[ivy]

Hello,

I’m writing as I really am at my wits end. My son is a heroin addict. He has just come off the phone and for the first time in six years I have left him to his own devices. I have refused him shelter or money. He is in a really bad way, but so am I. I have become too ill to go to work or function properly and for the first time in many years I now realise that if I don’t try to look after myself, then I probably won’t be around for much longer. I’ve burned out all contact with family except for my mother. Not because they didn’t care; at first. Because they don’t understand. Does anybody? I was about to phone the samaratans, then noticed this group . I’m reaching out for any support possible/available. The pain is unbearable. Thanks for listening.

[lindyloo]

Hi Ivy and welcome to the forum.

There are lots of people here from all over the country ( and world) who have a loved one who has an addiction. There are also people in recovery offering support and advice. So don’t feel alone in your daily struggle.

I’m sorry to read your story, it is so similar to others here. We love them as mothers, but hate what this addiction does to them, and to us. Its a very stressful and frustrating situation for all parties involved.

I don’t have all the answers, but read the other threads. Some people who post can offer advice and support, others just want someone to vent to, there will always be someone to offer you words of comfort.

We’ve been told so many times that an addict has to reach rock bottom before they feel the consequences of their actions .

As a mum this is very hard to do.

My adult son has alcohol and cocaine addictions. My heart has been broken so many times, shed so many tears over 10yrs.

He finally reached out to us a year ago. It really has to be their decision. He’s had some weeks better than others. He attended AA and CA meetings daily online now mostly. This is really helpful as they meet others who want to try and stop their addiction. They support each other too. If they are serious about stopping they start a 12 step program and maybe get a sponsor.

First and foremost look after yourself. Do 5 minutes meditation, look into ‘mindfulness ‘ go for nice walks. Just do what makes you happy, it will be easier to deal with things better.

The forum homepage has advice and support too.

I hope this helps you, please don’t worry, its not worth it.

Keep in touch

Lx

[debc]

Hi Ivy,

I can only echo the advice from Lindyloo, take care of you first, it’s very hard when we are always putting others before ourselves and sometimes wondering why we bother.

I also have a Son who is an addict, he is doing well at the moment, but I’m always anxious when he goes out, I try very hard to not let it get to me too much, because the worrying and fretting does eventually make you ill yourself.

I don’t think we will ever understand how an addict thinks or anything, my Son tells me this.

This forum is great to share our stories and chat with people in the same situation. Read through some of the other stories. I have found the Forum to be really helpful and glad that I found it.

Take care and keep in touch.

Dx

[ivy]

Dear Lindyloo and Debc. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have been trying many of the things you suggest here, and have read many of the other posts where I can relate. My son is 27 and is still on his downward spiral. Last night was very difficult for me as I know that he had nowhere to go and was sleeping in a car park in Glasgow City Centre. It was a horrible rainy windy night last night. I didn’t sleep.

He phoned this morning demanding money, he was so water I could barely make out what he was saying.

I find it difficult to close my eyes as all I now see are images of my son either begging outside in the street or injecting up a filthy lane.

One of the things that resonated with me on another post was a sort of it’s him or me situation. I feel I have done all I can for now as My own health; physically and mentally is failing. I will carry on and try to find some strength , but it’s all so painful, maybe the situation with Covid is making things worse, but the most difficult part is that my son still blames me for everything. No one is perfect, but I always do the best I can and feel he had a good upbringing. Once again thank you for your support. It does make a difference.

Ivy x

[ivy]

*wasted not water

Or perhaps the proper vocabulary is “ high “ though I often find that word redundant as the addict is usually the complete opposite when using.

[lindyloo]

I feel so bad for you Ivy.

Please don’t feel guilty, he’s a grown man who has made these choices. Maybe this is the rock bottom they say an addict has to reach before they seek help.

I hope and pray that he’s fine and will seek help.

There are a lot of AA meetings in and around Glasgow, even some face to face ones.

When my son was desperate, he contacted them. But it has to be their decision..to admit that they have a problem and need help.

I hope you hear from him soon, give him food and water, no cash.

Stay strong and have faith Ivy

Take care of you.

Lx

[ivy]

I’m pleased your son is making progress Lindyloo. My boy shows no interest in AA. He used to say he would go to a meeting or try to get into rehab, but he was only saying those things to make me feel better.

My son is still roaming the streets as I type. He is trying to phone, but I can’t let him into my house.

I have remained mostly positive and hopeful over the years, but his situation is devastating right now. I know he is in trouble, but I cannot help. I am heartbroken. My own life has gotten to the point where I just hide away on my own all of the time. The reality of the situation has made me weak. I’m not sure if I will ever recover enough to lead something resembling a normal life. Another sleepless night for me.

I wonder if you or other mothers parents lost hope?

Ivy x

[lindyloo]

Hi Ivy

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve been and you still are a good mum. You can do no more. Its totally down to him now.

If he has a phone, text and let him know that you’re worried about him, but you’re not there to fund his addiction.

Have you read the Theresa thread here – there are about 6 of us mums, all with sons with addictions. There are mums in the same situation as you are , at the moment . There is also Jaynhissay, who is turning life around as a person with addiction. Giving lots of advice and support to the thread, which we as mums

appreciate .

Please don’t despair, be strong, have faith and don’t give up. A person with addiction can turn their life around, but only when they themselves realise that they are powerless and need help and support.

This covid situation is compounding matters too. Find time for you. Don’t make yourself ill with worry, look at some useful apps, like 5 min meditation, headspace, a walk in the park if it’s sunny, or even rainy!

If you need to chat , there’s always great support here.

Take care of you

Lxx

[jaynhissay]

Hi ivy it’s absolutely heart breaking to read your story and truly appreciate what your going through right now. Like lindyloo has said there really isn’t anymore you can do to make things any better for him until he is ready to take the next step towards recovery. Please please don’t think for 1 second that you as a mother could of stopped this from happening with your son. I know that regardless of my families efforts to help me stop/keep me away from the drugs were never going to be enough. As an addict we will always find a way of getting the substances if we want them. I wasn’t particularly keen on the idea of N.A. meetings as I thought it was a bit of a cult but I was so wrong and the people involved in N.A. are so supportive of the newcomer to any meeting. Even if he’s still using the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using. As I offered to another mum in the same situation if he would consider talking to another addict that has been where he is now then I would be happy to talk to him and share my experiences of active addiction and the struggles of getting clean again.

[ivy]

Hi Jaynhissay,

Thank you for your offer. Should I ever have an opportunity to talk to my son again when he is lucid, then I will suggest he speak with you or consider a meeting.

I have been following your replies on the forum and I think you are amazing. Your presence and continuing recovery gives us hope.

Keep on keeping on

Ivy x

[icarus-trust]

Hello Ivy,

I’m so glad you have found this forum as it is a great place to talk with other people going through what you are. What you are dealing with is very hard and a lonely place. if you feel it would help please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the family that are having to deal with an addict’s behaviour. One of our trained and experienced people would get in touch with you if you contact us. They would listen, understand what you are going through and would be able to let you know what other help is available to you.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best.

[ivy]

Hello, I just noticed this message just now. Yes, I will get touch soon.

Also, I too am glad I have found this forum.

Kind regards

Ivy

[ivy]

Dear Lindyloo, Jaynhissay, and anyone else who has taken the time to read this far,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. They are appreciated and needed very much by me at this time. I pray for your continued recovery Jaynhissay , and the same too for your son Lindyloo. Sincerely.

However I am not yet at a stage where I can buy into the

“ He has to want to stop “ philosophy. He did want to and has tried many times over the years. Now it seems he is preparing to die. He has nowhere to go and noone to really help. The hospitals kick him out overdose after overdose. The social work department are jaded and really don’t have the facilities to help. They just go through the motions. They mostly hate their work, but are in the trap of – I need to pay my bills and the monies not too bad. You can see their contempt towards the heroin addict and feel their lack of enthusiasm.

The police harass the most vulnerable of addicts: the injectors. Although they let the dealers get on with business as usual. The police are corrupt.

I have so many storIes I could tell. Here is one small example.

One time I called the police. I told them that although I do not use drugs myself, I could point out three different doors on one street where I could purchase anything I wanted with just a chap on the door. Heroin, crack, coke, valium, etc. etc . Yet they did nothing except nod in agreement. No interest, no arrests, just business as usual. The reason I called the police was because my son was venturing into his first experience of recovery. This was a few years ago.

My son who was being supported by family and trying his best to quit was given a script for Subutex. He was stopped in the street by the police almost every day on his way to the chemist and strip searched. Humiliated . Day after day, week after week until they broke him. Sent him straight back into the arms of the dealers who were hanging around like the vultures they are. Waiting.

This is the level of corruption the addict is powerless to overcome. I could go on. I have seen a lot now over the years.

Heroin addicts are stigmatised here in Scotland. The general public mostly perceive them as dirty and lazy. Shame and stigma abound on every level. The most vulnerable are the most vilified. People make mistakes.

That’s how it is here in Glasgow. We have the highest death rate in all of Europe. The situation is a failure of society. People drop dead almost daily on the streets in the city centre. Almost 14 in one week at the start of the Covid. Yet people just walk on by. I guess it’s easier for people to pretend it’s not happening, not their problem, which in fairness it isn’t, but where is the humility?

There is no kindness anywhere anymore for the addict who injects. Other than a few wonderful volunteers who walk the streets at night and of course many of the general public who kindly donate to charity. It’s not enough though. We should ALL be volunteering. We should ALL be out protesting. We should be educating each other.

Is another night in watching Boris et al steal from us all really so difficult to give up for a night or so? Could people not march en mass for a few hours and at least try and make a difference. Addicts are not treated this way in other countries, right enough neither are children or pensioners. Sorry, please forgive me my frustration and my diversion.

I have read all of the posts and threads on here. I can relate and take much comfort from your words and experiences, I also feel a little less alone . I admire the strength and sense of community. I’m glad you are all here. I thank you.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to conduct myself in a more lighthearted manner? However I’m not there yet.

Please do not think badly of me for saying this , especially as I have only been shown kindness here and I know this group has my own best interests at heart. Without sounding ungrateful – yoga, meditation, walks in beautiful surroundings aren’t cutting it for me right now. Nothing makes me happy. I practice all of these things regularly . I no longer care that I am dead inside. I don’t even want to be happy right now. I want change and peace for my beautiful boy and all the others who are suffering.

Ivy x

[jaynhissay]

Thanks so much Ivy yours and everyone else’s kind words really do give me a boost. I’ve had a bit of a strange day all things considered. I have been expecting a refund from my car insurance company after I cancelled my policy and that refund finally came today. £1300 in total was refunded to me and I couldn’t even trust myself with it so I transferred the money to my mum but since I did my brain has been telling me all sorts of stupid stuff. It’s stupid but I feel like it’s been a missed opportunity. That’s the crazy way am addicts brain works. I don’t want to use and I’m glad I haven’t and my mum was so relieved when I rang her to say “can you look after this money for me because I don’t trust myself with it” 34 years old and still need my mum more than ever

[ivy]

Oops just getting the hang of this. My reply is in the thread …

[ivy]

Stay strong Jaynhissay. It’s great that you and your mum are building a relationship together again. I imagine she is bursting with glee inside. I know I would be. This difficult gesture you have made will be building so much trust between you. Don’t know what to suggest to distract you from the brain “stuff”

When I decided to stop smoking cigarettes for health reasons, I used to indulge in a dialogue with my craving thoughts. I would openly say stuff like “ Ivy, this cigarette will only put your lungs under attack. You won’t be able to breath, your bronchi will hurt and you will cough. Then you will want another one” stuff like that. I still have to engage with myself in this way, it’s not easy, it costs nothing and It’s still working for me ???? Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did good today.

Ivy x

[lindyloo]

Jaynhissay – you should be very proud of yourself, your mum will be too.

Ivy – I understand your situation better now. I agree that more should be done in Scotland to help people with addictions.

I feel more empathy for people on the street now, as my son could just as easy relapse badly and lose everything he’s worked hard for.

At least you have an outlet here and people who listen to you.

I hope you manage to get some sleep. Take care,

Lx

[jaynhissay]

I have sat and thought about it and I can honestly say that I’m not sure if I would of had the same strength to get rid of the money to my mum had I not been reading through and talking with the people on this forum. I don’t think I would of been able to play the tape forward to see the devastating impact it would have had on my mum. So I owe you all a massive thank you for your honesty and openness about your experiences because it has been a huge eye opener for me.

Thanks to everyone

[ivy]

Dear Lindyloo and Jaynhissay,

Once again thanks for ‘ listening ‘ it really is helping having a place to vent.

I may come across as cynical, but I’m actually a real sweetheart and I used to have the most amazing sense of humour. People generally warm to me. Not so much the past couple of years, I am aiming to change this though.

I’ve been reading through the Theresa thread. What an amazing group of individuals. I am finding the thread cathartic in some ways, though frustrating too. The inclusions of humour and kindness are amazing and uplifting. The way everyone shows love and support to each other, honestly and without judgement gives me hope.

Cathartic as psychologically most of the scenarios mentioned my son has survived. I am a survivor too and accept that I am in it till the end. I will never abandon my son, but I need time for myself right now.

I do believe the strongest human bonds are genetic. Our children share their DNA with us. As mothers who carried and birthed them, we are forever connected. The link is strong and this is why we feel so much emotional pain. We are empathic towards them. When they go off as mature adults to a safe environment we experience feelings of joy when we are with them and we remain able, strong and helpful when we are needed. If our children reach and live life in their safe environment then they are able to help and support us when we become old, Ill or just can’t get up a ladder anymore, etc. etc. It’s a two way street. When things go wrong and in this instance drugs have taken them over, our brains become wired to their addictions. This is why we become anxious when, for example, let’s say it’s their “pay day”. Our flight or fight response kicks in and our brains are flooded with an overdose of adrenaline. Our brains are altered chemically, regularly; and in sync with our addict child. This is unnatural and eventually makes us very ill. I currently reside at this end of the spectrum. I hope none of you ever become this worn out.

Unfortunately I feel I have an insight into how dark addiction can become, even though I don’t use drugs myself. I fear my sons rock bottom has been and gone and now he has become his addiction and lives his life accordingly. Using isn’t a choice for him anymore. He is too far gone, his brain chemistry is altered too much. The professional support he requires is not available or should I say affordable.

My frustration comes from reliving the stories about the failures of the authorities. I have no faith in the councils, case workers, police or support workers. I have wasted so much of my time engaging and trusting them. Now I know from experience, I see what is really happening. Having lived the ways of the ‘system’ for years and the realisation of what is available against what should be available. It isn’t working for most addicts, whatever their addiction may be. The current system is complicated, deceptive, terrifying and exhausting.

Thanks for listening. I feel a bit better getting this out!

Ivy x

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