[jess83]

Hello, i’m not really sure where to start. My boyfriend and I are together for a couple of years now. I always knew he was taking cocaine now and then plus he smoked weed daily. Now it’s even worse, he started drinking heavily about a year ago, uses drugs and gambles. Since he lost his job 4 months back he can’t see anything positive in his life anymore. He needs to drink first thing in the morning to gain some sort of confidence and get through the day. He treats me like a doormat, the abuse i am dealing with on a regular basis is just unreal, i’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Everything i do and try to help is not good enough, he is jealous because he confidence is just gone. He is very, very aggressive and even got arrested for the first time last weekend. I try to walk away to protect myself but after a week or so he’ll always get’s back in touch but when he does he tries to make me feel bad, hurts me by saying alot of nasty things and how it is my fault that the relationship doesn’t work out anymore.

I love him with all my heart but i feel like i am no good to him anymore. I am a mum, got 2 jobs, my life is normal let’s say and i wished we could have a pretty normal life together but he doesn’t want any help.

I also think something really horrible and bad must have happen to him when he was young but he says he can’t remember.

There are so many raw emotions he want’s to talk about but doesn’t know how to so he numbs the pain.

When we are together and it comes to sex, he is very aggressive, doesn’t take no for an answer if there is anything i don’t want him to do.

I know deep down he is a good person, he is just lost and uses the alcohol and drugs first thing in the morning to escape.

We are seperated again since a week now, it’s so hard to walk away as i want him to get better but he seems like he is not ready. How much worse can it get though?

I am scared of him sometimes as he can’t control the anger anymore.

I hope somebody can help me?

By the way he is only 30 years of age and i am 36. Also apologies for my english spellings, i am German so i do try.

Thank you all already, Jess

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jess,

I’m really sorry to hear what a hard time you’re having because of your boyfriend’s addiction.

I am worried that you say he is abusive so you might want to know the National Domestic Violence Helpline, as they will be best placed to give you advice on your situation and what to do next. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and it is free to call, open 24 hours a day, and calls are confidential.

You could also look at Women’s Aid’s website, they are the national charity working to keep women and children safe and they have a directory of local support services which you can find here – http://www.womensaid.org.uk/azrefuges.asp

Also I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports the families of addicts and if you get in touch with us you could speak with one of our trained and experienced volunteers. Talking to one of them might help.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Hope that this helps. Keep yourself safe.

[georgia26]

Jess, you absolutely need to walk away from this.

His addiciton seems to be out of control and there is nothing you can do to help him, if he doesnt want to help himself there is nothing you can do he honestly wont change, addiction is a disease and incurable most of the time.

You must put yourself first – he wont change. Alcohol and drug addiction completely changes the person you once fell in love with and its so hard to accept.

Life is way too short to be mentally drained by this, you deserve to live a happy life too and if his anger is out of control and hes being sexually aggressive you must walk.

I think youll end up going round in circles.

I wish you well my love – keep us posted x

[dnanon]

Hi Jess, I agree with Georgia and I think your need to walk away. Unless he admits he has a problem and is going to do something about it there is very little you can do. I wonder how he is affording his lifestyle if he is not working and hope you’re not funding it. Doesn’t sound like he is living with you as you have separated so is he back living with his parents or friends and are they awareness of his drinking, drugs and gambling?

You should not have to put up with his abusive behaviour. You take care x

[dadict]

Hi Jess how you doing ?

I’m a recovering addict myself and see it from your partners side I fully understand addiction altho I’ve never been an alcoholic.

My advice to you altho I feel for your partner and his situation is that you need to be away from him, you can only help him if he wants to get clean and he wants the help

It’s worrying that he’s abusive there is no excuse for abuse wether it’s verbal or physical I would never dream of abusing my wife in any way no matter how “smashed” I was or wasn’t no matter if she caught me on a lie and also no means no especially in the bedroom altho you are partners and obviously be openly sexual with each other if you say no then you are not giving consent and if you are not giving consent then that legally is called rape and I really am sorry to read what you’re going thru.

I hope you’re okay

You need to do what’s best and safe for you and your kids

Keep us posted

[jess83]

Thank you for all your answers. I would have updated you much earlier but for some reason i couldn’t log in.

Anyway back to my situation, so yes he lives at home with his parents and yes they do know about the alcohol and weed but not about the cocaine abuse at all.

They also support him with money which i don’t understand as they have seen the state of him and how aggressive he can get.

I am being very strong and haven’t seen him now in 10 days, it is so hard for me because i do miss him so much.

What is wrong with me though? How can i miss somebody who did all this to me and also does all this to himself when he can clearly see how bad he became?!

I feel like i need therapy soon as i can’t eat, sleep, or function properly.

I have spoken to his parents a few times but they seem very ignorant when it comes to admit that their own son is an alcoholic. I’d love to tell them about how much gear he takes but i am worried they won’t believe me plus he would just go mental again.

So yes staying away and ignoring his texts and phone calls is the smartest thing to do i know but like i said i love and miss him so much.

I just hope he wakes up one day and is ready to get some help, i’d be the first who would support him until then i just try to stay strong and live my life.

Also yes i have been told before that he actually raped me but i always thought it’s my own fault even though i said NO i should have just been stronger so i let him get away with it.

I don’t know, i try to clear my head and go from there.

Thanks for reading my story by the way x

[Author]

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