[ginger71]

I don’t really know what to do anymore. My daughter has used a wild concoction of drugs for at least the last 4 years. She is now 18. In her lucid moments she will admit she needs help but then won’t follow that through. If I make suggestions I am interfering and she believes she can suddenly fix it by herself. Everytime I think she’s turned a corner she changes direction again. She has a job, gets paid and blows the paycheck in a night and then ends up running up debts. I know she manipulates me and I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I’m so scared that I will get that call to say she is dead. That I will bury my child. I want to stop it but I know that I can’t. If I talk about it to people you can see that look in their eyes, that thought that their child wouldn’t do that but maybe that’s just me. I’m sorry to pour this out but maybe this is what I need to do to keep me sane so that my son has a mother.

[deedee]

Hi ginger

You haven’t failed

I’m in a similar situation my boyfriend is addicted to coke and he lies and manipulates me all the time. One minute he will say he has had enough and will do something about it but the very next day he is back doing it again .yesterday I came back from seeing my dad who is sick to find he has pawned my laptop for drugs. I am so angry at him. My only advice is to try looking after yourself easier said an done I know but going out with friends will help take your mind off of what’s going on. I’ve learnt that they will only get help when they fully admit they have a problem and really want to quit. Trying to make them get help wont work in the long run . Just know that your not on your own

[jasmine]

I’m sorry to hear of your situation with your daughter, it’s a tricky one. My son has been an addict for about 10 years, he uses heroin, gets onto a methadone programme, starts reducing the methadone then we go back to stage one. He steals and manipulates me for money, I can’t see an end to it. I dread waking up every day, he has made it my problem, he steals from his Grandad then denies everything. His room is a cess pit full of rubbish, needles and other drug paraphernalia but he denies he is using. If I’m honest I wish he would disappear off the planet. They say drugs ruins families, well it’s certainly ruined mine. I go through all sorts of scenarios to stop him, do I kick him out? Shop him to the Police? Go and see a Solicitor to get an injunction to keep him away from me? What worries me is that, I’m now 61, over the next 10 years I will become more vulnerable to his manipulation. Like you I have blamed myself, his Dad was an alcoholic so I shouldn’t have had a child who inherited the addiction gene, at the end of the day he’s the one who started injecting himself, like me you are not to blame.

[ginger71]

Thank you

It is so difficult living the feelings that you want your child to vanish. So difficult being scared of seeing them and not knowing what the day will bring. It is wearing to play scenarios in your head, I think I’ve played those same ones. Thank you for replying because although people say you’re not alone you never really believe it because it is such a lonely road full of deceit and lies. Thank you for replying because it makes me talk and get the feelings out. A tiny thing but has to be good right?

We’re not alone thank you.

[poppy10]

Hi ginger , I’m in a similar situation. My daughter 17 started taking Xanax a year ago, overdosed several times and ended up in hospital.

We really thought that she would die at one point as she had no control over what she was doing. Couldn’t remember what she had done for days on end , didn’t eAt and was covered in bruises.

The effect it has had on us as a family is huge, I have 2 other children younger than her.

They witnessed paramedics and sometimes police in the house in the middle of the night.

One positive thing for you is that your daughter is managing to hold down a job… not easy when you have a drug habit.

My daughter is ok at the moment. Probably partly because she doesn’t want to take it but also the supply has dried up!

I guess there has to be a point where we as parents say ( once they are 18) it’s time to move out as the we cannot cope anymore and you are affecting your siblings who really don’t deserve this!

What drugs is your daughter using?

We are a nice family and she has brought this dark world of dealers, shoplifting and lies into our world!

You have my sympathy it’s just good to know that we arn’t alone in this !!

[ginger71]

It varies what she takes and goes in cycles. We started on weed and mdna then moved to ketamin then went back to only weed now she takes cocaine, weed, nitrous oxide and have seen her on tramadol. Feels like she wants to work her way through the list! She too has a brother and he has seen her in terrible places had to wrestle knives off her and carry her upstairs to bed when she has collapsed on the floor. She wakes him up at stupid times because she lost her keys. At what point do you say there is no hope for your child? That is so hard. And then we put on a mask and carry on the day .

[justamum]

Hi, I know the failure feeling. I know the guilt I know the manipulation. My son has been using for 6/7 years, started on cannabis, now it’s cocaine and the £10000 debt that comes with it. This past weekend I’d had enough, we’d got him into a programme smothered him with family love and support…. but he couldn’t do it. So, I asked home to leave home. I took his key and I hate it. My baby is sofa surfing with so much pressure and shame consuming him. But, I was enabling him, killing him with kindness. It’s time for him to take responsibility and hopefully make the right choice. I can’t eat, sleep I cry all the time. Yet, I won’t have him back. So although I feel like I’ve failed,I know I had no more fight in me. I’d exhausted it all. I hold onto hope ……

[ginger71]

We’re all traveling this same road just at different junctions along it. For me right now I don’t think there is an answer. I am trying to keep a lid on my own feelings so that I can function. This is a release valve which allows me to let go some of the feelings before they get topped back up again. I’m glad I was brave enough to do this…. Crazy that it takes guts to use these forums but we all have that. Guts to say I’m important enough to matter and although I may have come here because of my child I think I’m really here for me . By writing on here I’m saying to myself be strong. I may fall many times but I will get there. Stay strong

[justamum]

My son came round last night, was calm and reasonable. Told me that he hadn’t taken any coke for 4 weeks, he’s gonna apply to uni for September move away from it all….. then started to say he has no money and is going to festival at the weekend and needs money to give the driver. I didn’t bite, didn’t offer money. Then he calmly left after having a shower and some tea. I locked the gate then locked the door not knowing where he was going to sleep last night. At times I hate myself for doing this to my baby, but then know I have no choice. I want to believe him, but I can’t. I just to have hope.

We are all the same road, and we do have to keep our strength, and if this forum is the place voice it then we need to use it. Sending so much love to all us wonderful mums living the life we never imagined. Stay strong wonderful women x

[ginger71]

Your post gave me the strength to say no. ” Mum can I have money for x birthday and y birthday I need £60″ no I don’t have it. She asked me to ask my friend and again I was able to say no. She still went out and on the doorstep asked for £5. I’m proud of myself for today. Can’t promise to always be so strong but thank you.

We are good mums and we should say it even when we don’t believe it.

[huddle]

Oh Ginger you are so right. My son is 39 and a weed and crack addict. He’s spent 12 months in prison for robbery for drugs money, he’s been in rehab twice and relapsed. He begs in the town centre near to our home in front of passers by who know him and know his little family. My son looks disgusting. His flat (gorgeous when the rehab clinic set it up for him, fully furnished etc) is now a filthy hovel. I went inside a few months ago & felt physically sick at what I saw. He doesn’t look after himself and is skin and bone. He visits every now and again, has a shower and a meal and then leaves but not before asking for money and cigarettes which I refuse.

My husband (his step dad) and I have tried everything – bribery, pleading, shouting, lecturing. His natural father has disowned him and his older sister doesn’t want him anywhere near her 5 yr old, my darling grandson.

I will always love my son, I gave birth to him but I will not enable him and I detest the person he has become and the life he prefers to live. Drugs have claimed another prize. I pray one day he will say “enough” and change his life but I can’t put my own life on hold waiting for that day to come. Heartbreaking for the loved ones of all addicts but we must all try and stay strong. Sending love, x

[justamum]

Well done… the first “no’s” are hard. You might get some backlash, but stay strong.

Have you read the book. ““mum, lend me £20?” It’s what helped me ….

[nannyt]

I’ve read mum can you lend me twenty quid , and watched the film “a beautiful boy” oh I cried and cried . I’m reading one atm called A thin wire , about a daughter and her mother . It learns me a lot and brings me some comfort

[jim]

I’m a dad and in the same situation. my son, 17 has been smoking weed (and taking other stuff, although I’m not sure what) and getting drunk for 2 years now. He’s getting worse and regularly passes out in town on a bench somewhere or in the park and we have to drive around looking for him or get the police involved. Won’t talk about it…promises to stop but then he’s hammered again and we don’t know where he is. And yeah, we have the begging for money to go to the ‘cinema’ or out for a meal with his ‘friends’ – it really is hard to resist sometimes because you so want that to be true. At his worst, he swears at us constantly and I’m worried that he’ll turn violent. His behaviour really is tearing the family apart. I feel all of your pain…x

[ginger71]

I’ve ordered the book “justamum” suggested. It arrives today so we shall see. My daughter appeared so reasonable last night but didn’t come home and I don’t know where she is. That has just become normal. The saddest thing is my son has gone away on a school trip and when his friend said she would miss her mum he replied I’m just worried leaving mine with my sister. At 16 that’s just not fair!

[poppy10]

My daughter was doing ok until 2 nights ago , went on a drinking and valium binge. Didn’t turn up at work yesterday or today and has been sacked! Was crying to me on the phone “ sorry mum” etc etc

She rang her 13 year old sister up

Last night crying saying I’ve taken loads of valium, don’t tell mum! Sister is now worried sick about her.

God. Knows what she’s up to right now with the new boyfriend. She’s gutted that now she has no money to buy weed etc she will no doubt start phoning her grandma who finds it difficult to say no!

Oh well ..,. The saga continues!

Thinking of you all …. we just have to try and stay strong!

[justamum]

Hay, ginger poppy & Jim.

What hell are we going through??? I’ve just read some information about a course called CRAFT, it’s basically a way to change your interactions with an addict child to help them into a program whilst they are living at home. I think it’s around us changing our behaviours that might enable the addiction ( like we don’t know we that huh!!) perhaps I should have read it before I made the decision to ask my baby to leave? But I think I’d stopped enabling it a long time ago…. or did I! Still feeling crappy with myself and the worst parent ever.

Isn’t it strange how I feel worse for not enabling the addiction than I did for supporting it??

Have you read any of the book ginger?

My advice is take it hour by hour, notice the good stuff your kids do… there will be something even if it’s just the fact they walked upstairs rather than stomped!! There is good in them, some times were just to wrapped up in worry, which they perceive as anger/nagging/controlling, to notice. Stay strong x

[ginger71]

Hi

I read the beginning and it was like having a mirror held up to my life. My friend reminded me it wasn’t my life it just showed that I wasn’t alone. You’re right with what you say to try and see the little bits of good. It is very easy to spiral into a very black hole. The drugs make the addict selfish and egotistical and I hope that one day we will get the chance to reflect with them about how we felt.

Love to you all x

[justamum]

You are so not alone.

Remember the addiction has taken over our child & ruined their life as well as ours.

I’m certain you me and every other parent going through this will reflect with our babies about this one day.

Hold on to your sanity.

Hope the read isn’t to distressing. It’s not meant to be. Take on the strength.

Maybe one day we’ll be writing the book!!

X

[ginger71]

Have read the book and would say it is worth the read. Two things really resonated with me firstly the photos the author included which scared me. They showed highly addicted young men appearing on the surface “normal” and secondly one of the parting comments which said we should begin to think that drug dealers groom potential addicts. I know that at one point I believed my daughter could fall victim to CSE but now I think it was not really sex it was money and profits for drug dealers. That book was written over ten years ago and I have not heard the idea of drug dealers as groomers before but she is spot on.

Stay strong x

[justamum]

Hi, just wondering how you are all doing?

For me I feel like I’m going through a grieving process. I’m so tempted to say “ come home” I don’t know what to say , do or feel. I can’t bear it.

[ginger71]

I was looking at old photos the other day and I don’t recognise the child I have now. The smiling, laughing eyes have gone. She believes the only way to feel happy and excited now is through a drug induced haze. As I looked at the photos I thought yep I lost my daughter long ago yet her shell still inhabits my house determined to replace the good memories with bad. It is like some second rate gothic horror story.

She sent me a text at 4am this morning telling me she was done with the world. When I read it at 8 I believed it was true. I Went down to her room and she’d locked the door so I broke in and she was drunk in bed. I feel drained and exhausted. She staggered upstairs she said sorry for sending the text and then suggested I stop being upset. Of course emotions turn on and off like taps don’t they.

They not what they do……

I’m trying to cling on and stay strong and I hope the rest of you are too. Strength from knowing I’m not alone x

[jim]

You’re not alone, Ginger71….we’ve just gotta keep going – we’re doing the best we can….one day at a time….x

[huddle]

Oh wow Ginger71 how dreadful for you. I’ve replied to Justamum so hopefully you’ll read my post & learn where I’m up to with my son. Hubby took me to Cumbria overnight this last weekend as he could see I was at breaking point. As I’ve mentioned I got home to find a note from my son asking for food & money, then I saw him tonight (all described in my post to Justamum). All the benefit of the fresh air & “away from it” vanished in a millisecond on seeing my son & the awful state he is in. More tears, more worry & despair. My heart is screaming at me to relent, let him move in etc but my head equally screams “No!” – he MUST help himself & stop relying on me & others to bail him out & keep lifting him up only for our hopes & dreams to come down with a crash when he returns to the one thing that is destroying him. I have this constant image of him now in my head. I can’t help but look at photos of him as a young boy – laughing, smiling, healthy & loving life. My heart will never be the same. I cannot stand the lies, the deceit, the false promises. It’s a rollercoaster of intensifying agony & I really can’t bear another moment. Tomorrow is another day, wearing my mask as so many others suffering have to do as their loved one presses “self destruct”. I am trying to stay strong but every minute that becomes harder. Hugs to all especially Danman83, Justamum, Ginger71 & all that have posted a reply to me. God Bless you all xxx

[justamum]

Oh how awful for you. And bless her too, what must she be going through?

Is she willing to talk to a substance misuse service, or perhaps you could? If you ring FRANK ( google it) they can tell you where the nearest one to you is. sounds like she hit a real low last night.

You are doing all the right things, you are good mum.

Try and keep your strength as hard as it is. In one shape or another you are managing day to day.

Much love.

[rani123]

Hey love to all you lovely parents fighting a hard battle… I read all your comments and it made me think …

Thankfully my children are not drug addicts or alcoholic but my ex husband is and my children aswel as me witnessed a lot of abuse from him.

I was often drained energy totally stressed and anxiety was just out of the roof always worried sick about him and I fought this battle for 6 years ….

I couldn’t be a Normal mum to my kids because of the high level depression I suffered due to my ex husbands drug addiction..

cocaine and alcohol..

I would cover up for his behaviour and actions all the time but there came a time I had to put my foot down and put myself and my kids 1st so I got rid off him ..

best decision I ever made ..

Happier than ever but unfortunately that’s something you guys crnt do because it’s your child and you can’t break all ties and stop caring loving them ..

My advice to you all is sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind .. so therefore put your foot down tell you child to get professional help to put a stop to the addiction and explain to them what it’s doing to you all as a family and if your child still refuses to get help then show them the door and wait for miracles to happen …

Either way if they still going to continue using it then it won’t make any difference to them if they living with you or not but at least that way you don’t need to witness any of it no more and if they choose to finally get help then bingo the ultimatum has worked …

Good luck to you all … my heart goes out to you all.

Stay strong .x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ginger

Thank you so much for posting your story. I really feel for you. It’s so hard what you are going through and it’s easy to feel so alone. It’s good that you are gaining support from people on the blog. You are important enough to matter!!

If you feel that you would like some help from us please contact us at The Icarus Trust. we are a charity that provides support for people in your situation. we have experienced trained people you could talk with if you feel that it would be helpful, and they can also signpost you to what other help is available in your area. You don’t have to be alone.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[justamum]

Hi everyone, been a while since I posted….. how are you all doing?

X

[huddle]

Hi Justamum

Ty for your post. Saw my son tonight. He had a black eye and from what I could gather a couple of broken ribs all inflicted I think by a dealer he owed money to. His key worker made an appointment for him to see his GP this pm but he didn’t go. The rehab offer is still on the table and once we have a confirmed date his sister says she’ll drive him (125 miles) but he does need to make a gesture & help with the petrol! My son is desperately thin as he is spending his benefits on drugs not food. I gave him a big meal tonight & he showered. My daughter (his sister) gave him clean bed linen too. He couldn’t remember the last time he had washed his clothes, bedding, cleaned his flat up etc. He has no gas or electricity & despite getting benefits twice a month (more than I earn over a month) every penny is spent on drugs! It sounds dreadful but I pray this is my son’s “rock bottom” & he decides to accept the rehab & follow it through. Hugs to everyone in pain because of the effects of a loved one’s addiction – sending love & good wishes to you Justamum & Ginger71 xxxxx

[ginger71]

I don’t really know. I thought we were getting there. There were some huge positives and have in theory started university but she clings to those who offer a quick fix. It makes me so sad. How are you all? Hope some of you are getting somewhere and if not that you are at least still ok enough to function and get through with a bit of hope and belief that one day it’ll get better. Love to you all xxx

[justamum]

Wow… uni? A huge step…. and you’ve had some success’s? We’ll still always have the “what ifs and whys” though won’t we.

I’ve been going to a family support group once a week which I’ve found amazing and so supportive, they look at things like enabling, guilt, acceptance etc…. really helping me to see that there are things I can’t change, and how for me to be ok with him not being ok… if that makes sense.

Still miss him like crazy, and carrying around a broken heart is really hard work! However, he claims he’s been clean for weeks, yet refuses to do a drug test so we’re all still in limbo, waiting for one of us to give in. I’ve wanted to… but know I can’t.

I long for him to lie next to me with a hot choc watch monsters inc and fall asleep in bed … just like he did when he was 6!!! However he’s 21 so that’s not really possible. Ha!

Thanks for replying, good to know that in some form or another we’re making it to tomorrow. Take care. X

[kathryn]

My son started by smoking weed at 14. We’ve gone through it all. Police, hospitals, therapy, jobs lost, violence, stealing, etc. Last Christmas, he was arrested yet again. We decided that the only course of action at this point in his life was to petition the courts to take away his rights and force him into a long term clinical rehab program. My husband felt this was the only way. I, on the other hand, felt sorry for him and believed him when he told us that he could do it on his own. I gave him another chance, but, I told him I didn’t want to see him until he had started to turn things around. That was on December 28th. On Jan. 16, I got a call from the ambulance that my dear son had died. He had a seizure alone in his apartment on a cold, snowy night. I stayed with him for hours, wishing that he would wake up. Wishing that he could have one more chance. Wishing that we would have forced him into rehab.

[clare-bear]

Kathryn, I’m so so sorry and sad to read your post. I don’t really know what to say, I’m imagining you are heartbroken. I hope you have support around you, take care x

[poppy10]

Hi Kathryn

I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be heartbroken.

It is so hard being a parent , trying to decide what to do for the best.

My partner thinks that we should throw our daughter out but I don’t think that would end well as She is vulnerable and it may push her over the edge.

We are all trying to do our best in a very difficult situation.

You loved him and you did everything you could to help.

Rehab has been offered to my daughter but we know that if she isn’t willing then it won’t work, even if it was forced it may not work.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope you find some support to help you get through this

Xx

[jasmine]

Well I just don’t know how much longer I can take it. My son just lies and manipulates continually. He claims his methadone is insufficient to ‘hold’ him and is buying it on the black market to keep himself comfortable. Apparently his Substance Misuse Team are looking for offices so he can’t get an appointment to increase his methadone. He tries to get £70 off me at least 3 times per week, even though he is working. His Dad was an alcoholic, now I’ve got a drug addict for a son, I’ve been truly blessed. Ten years of suffering for me and I’m getting older and more vulnerable. I’m tempted to shop him when he goes off in my car to buy heroin. How can I get him out of my life because I realise I can’t stop him doing drugs or sort this out for him. It’s time I thought abut me.

[nannyt]

My son is on methadone and still using, he was on the streets and then went to prison for 3 weeks , when he came out I thought this is it , but it isn’t. I feel like I’m coming to the end with it all and chucking him out . I’ve done everything possible and even let him back into my home again , it’s bloody heartbreaking , I find some comfort in reading book about addicts and it learns me stuff I never knew . But one things for sure , my son is not ready to give up , this I know . I believe he’ll be back in prison soon and I can rest easy and sleep soundly . My heart goes out to you and everyone on here . Sometimes we have to think of ourselves and our own welfare and the rest of our family . One thing is very true they will only stop when they are ready , doesn’t matter about substitute or breaking their parents hearts or seeing their mother crying , they only care about their next fix . So we must go on and try to fix ourselves as we cannot fix them , only they can do that . If you want the names of any books I have quite a few I can point you towards just ask . They may bring you some comfort as they do me

[justamum]

It is time for you now.

Because when he/ they eventually are ready for recovery you will have the strength to help them. Until then step back. That might be asking to him leave the home, don’t lend him car, shop him. Stop the money giving. It will get harder before it gets easier. It sounds like you have reached your limit. Go to the substance misuse teams speak to them yourself. They are great at helping you find the strength to move on.

Good luck

[pixie269]

Hi everyone

Firstly, Kathryn, your post made me cry. What a terrible thing to happen – my heart goes out to you and your family.

Secondly, reading all the other posts is both upsetting and powerful at the same time. I have just told my 21 year old son to leave after yet another incident where he came home completely out of it on some kind of drug (ketamine, diazepam or something like that). I had told him previously (he ended up in an ambulance after falling asleep on the bus and was totally unresponsive) that if he came home like that again I would have to kick him out but after numerous more times, I had no choice but to follow through this time. He left that day (last Monday) and by Thursday he had moved down to London from Yorkshire with a friend who already lives there as he is at Uni.

He was meant to be coming round last Wednesday to get his stuff and say goodbye but when I rang him, he couldn’t even speak and ended up hanging up on me cos he was clearly off his head on something again. Literally 3 days after I had kicked him out, he was in that state again. He ended up coming round on Thursday morning as i was rushing to go to work, and had no recollection of the phone call. It was incredibly hard for both of us to say goodbye. I am still devastated now, but I know deep down it was the right decision. He has never had a permanent job and just keeps saying how he is going to change etc but obviously never does.

I really want him to come home, but I have realised I was enabling his behaviour so it’s important that I stick to my guns even though it’s killing me.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and making me realise that I’m not alone and there are many more people in the same boat. None of my friends or family truly understand so this is really helpful for me.

xx

[ginger71]

Dear all

These posts have been invaluable to me to give me a tiny voice which tells me I’m not alone. That tiny voice has to fight with the more powerful self destructive voices which constantly tell me I’ve failed. However, I am beginning to realise that those voices are what my daughter relies on to keep me in the position she wants; the one which will constantly pick her up; bail her out and make everything ok again.

She is nowhere near as bad as she was but I have gone to talking therapy for me. When she needed it she refused it and thought that the drugs would fix it… Well that is turning out well! I have to allow myself that 50 minutes every week to start fixing me and my self belief.

To all of you who have posted on here thank you. It is painful and yet powerful. X

[pixie269]

Hi

Ginger71, I think that’s a really good idea, I’m thinking of doing the same. My husband doesn’t understand it at all but I think it would benefit me massively.

I do have a question though, I haven’t actually had a conversation with my son properly about drugs, we normally talk about him getting a job and that always ends up in a row so I’ve never really spoken to him about the drugs (I’m sure all his issues are related though, including having no self-pride, not showering, cleaning his clothes or eating properly). Is it worth me trying to talk to him and see if he will admit he has a problem – he always tries to play down the seriousness of the situation, even when he ended up in an ambulance. I know he probably won’t admit it so I could be wasting my time and risking falling out with him again but I feel like if I don’t even try, nothing is ever going to change.

My husband has completely washed his hands of him but I just can’t.

Thank you in advance x

[ginger71]

All I can tell you is what has and what has not worked for me and my daughter. I have had conversations with her about drugs and it has made me believe things will be better but ultimately she has had to want to. I know in my heart she replaces one drug with another because she cannot face the black mess in her head.

I have often written her letters which I just store. This gets the anger out of me for a moment. I will sometimes send her texts and they have variable responses. When I have a verbal conversation she has a reason or an excuse or a promise. Once in a while she talks about the issue with clarity but not enough to change the behaviour.

I am sorry but I cannot tell you what to do. I can say you can change you and your mind but not his which is what I’m trying to do. Hopefully my daughter and your son will do the same for themselves before it is too late.

[justamum]

Hi everyone, been a while since I posted.

My son is still

Living with his girlfriend, kept up with his therapy and is still working hard. He is now clean. I’ve been testing every time he comes round, and he has stayed at home a few times. It’s better. I believe it’s better because I stopped enabling. I reached my limit and he hit is total rock bottom. He lost everything for a couple of weeks and it scared him. I stepped right away from him. He’s sorted his debt with the company step change. I still don’t trust him, I still don’t believe a word he says. … yet I’m starting to see a ray of light.

I saw addict first, son second. And I treated the addict and disconnected from my son. The hardest and darkest time of my life. A year on and I’m a changed woman, still don’t really fee like a mother. But I have so much hope.

Stay amazing people… remember you are x

[nannyt]

I totally understand this , I have just put my son out . He is probably in the streets again and already has a black eye . I as a mother done everything I could to help, encourage , support and put a roof over his head and good in his belly . But still he chooses drugs . It’s so hard but this time I have to be strong and disconnect from him . It was overtaking my life and destroying me yet again . Still he says it’s all my fault and all the verbal abuse again . I still see my son in there somewhere , but he will never come to my home again till he is clean and I will drug test him . The choices he makes now will determine what he wants , my heart is broken yet again but I know this is for the best . Stay safe everyone during this time of Uncertainty in our country . Bless you all

[ginger71]

Just a mum

You may not feel like a mum but that clearly is a mum talking. You took the hardest step, one many of us are facing and are arguing with ourselves about. You took it, yes to preserve you but out of love for your child.

Love, light and hope .

x

[lexie]

Hi ginger,

You haven’t failed at all. My brother has been a cocaine addict for over 10 years (hes 33) and Im the daughter (now 23) of a mother who felt exactly the same way as you. Please don’t think that you have failed.

As for your son, I can tell you he does have a mother, and that it’s painful seeing you this way. I can understand what he has seen and heard and my heart goes out to him. Please, if you can and obviously this is your choice-talk to him. I can tell you from the years watching my mum being destroyed by my brothers habits, all I wanted to do was hug her tight, and talk to her about some of the things I was feeling at the time and hope that she felt that she could talk to me ( depends on how old your son is- I know it can be hard). I know It’s not exactly a “happy” topic to be talking about with your son, but I think it needs to be done eventually and in a strange way it brought my mother and I closer. But I want you to know, you are a great mother, becuase you care. Stay strong not only for your son but for yourself too.

[jasmine]

Well here we are, 2 years since I replied to this post. I’ve spent another 2 years pretending everything is OK. I’ve just come back from 2 weeks holiday and my son has taken nearly £5,000 out of my bank. He tells me he’s getting a loan to pay me back, all lies, he appears to have lost his job 3 weeks ago, even today he phoning me up for money. Why do I give it to him? I’m so ashamed of him and it is like I don’t want to admit he sees me as a source of income, has he no morals, no shame? When I was ill with Covid he stole my credit card and racked up another £1,000 debt but he said I gave him the card, after that £3,000 on another card. His last payday he picked up nearly £2,000:but was asking me for money a week later. I want to do something to stop him. Can I take out an injunction to prevent him contacting me? Has anyone any advice? I am starting to get frightened of him as I get older

[jamesb]

Hi jasmine, I don’t have alot of time to reply now but I needed to reach out and hopefully we can carry on talking later. Firstly as hard as it is to comprehend right now I want you to know that despite all of this, your son still loves you and cares for you. Right now he is not himself and the person stealing from you is a unwell version of your son that he is battling with every day.

The problem is, as long as that unwell portion of him can find a way to keep feeding itself, the real person inside will keep losing the fight. You have to stop him from getting any more money from you. No matter how hard it is to watch him beg. No matter how many stories you are told. Every penny will be feeding the addiction and while he is doing drugs, it will sound like your son, will look like your son but I promise you that is not your son. Find a way to separate the the 2 parts of him. When he is sober, he will feel so much guilt and remorse for the short period of time before the cravings kick in and his mind is taken over which is when the calls for money and lies start. In that short window when he is sober. Talk to him, tell him the effects it is having on you. Tell him that you have nothing left to give. If you have to move your finances to an account he can’t reach then maybe look into that. Offer him support and try to understand that he is more than likely crying out inside for the strength to stop.

I’m so sorry this is happening but I hope we can talk some more. For the record…. I was once the son doing these terrible things. And I’d give anything to be able to go back and change what I did.

[jem]

Hi James my situation is similar to everyone here. My son is 31 and has been using heroin on and off for 5 years.

He hasn’t stolen from me but all his cash goes on drugs and he regularly asks for money from me making it very hard to say no.

I read your post and it stopped me in my tracks. I just wondered what changed things for you, that got you to turn your life around and also kept you on that journey? It’s one thing to decide to get clean but seems like a monumental task to stay on that path. Thanks again for your honesty, it helps so much to hear from people who are on the other side of this.

[ginger71]

Hi Jasmine, please know that you’re not alone. Difficult choices have to be made and ones I fight against all the time, always believing this will be the last and it will be better. My daughter is not quite at this level but I know the feelings this invoke. As James says somewhere your son is there but the behaviours are caused by the drugs and alcohol. I think all of us who have ever replied on here know that we have to say no but also know that it is hard and difficult and painful.

Please know you are always doing your best. Stay strong and hopefully your son will be able to find the strength to access the support he needs .

Take care of yourself.

Claire

[clare-bear]

Just reading through these posts, it’s so heartbreaking. I’m new to this site as my daughter seems to be on a slippery downward slope. It’s of some comfort to know I’m not alone but reading so many other parents are going through the same is hard. My daughter’s 23 now and slowly losing everything, she’s had jobs since leaving school but barely functioning these days, up all night and sleeps all day. Smokes weed and does god only knows what else. Constantly got her hand out for money. I’m having counselling but every day I’m asking myself where I went wrong for her to turn out so chaotic, she’s type 1 diabetic and has an ambulance at least monthly for one thing or another, I looked at her yesterday sucking on gas and air from a paramedic like a drug addict.

[ginger71]

I have driven myself nearly half mad asking what I did wrong but you have to try and believe that you did nothing wrong. Each child in these posts have made these decisions for different reasons I’m sure but there will always have been a dealer out there happy to take their money and help them to remain dependant on the substance they are using.

Your child has to make the choice to stop and then you can help. I’m waiting for my daughter to make that decision, desperately trying to be strong and to say no to her, something I find so difficult. I’m so sorry I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry and please look after yourself, don’t blame yourself and try to be strong.

Keep talking and finding people who kind of understand.

[huddle]

Another heartbreaking post. I’ve now made the decision to leave my son to it. It is breaking my heart. I am 62 now and have spent the last 25 years trying to get him clean and straight. Rehab (he quit twice), paid for numerous flat deposits, bought him food, clothes, furniture, mobiles. All sold or placed in hock for drugs money. My son begs outside High Street stores. He’s been in fully furnished flats and then sold the contents. He’s been in prison for stealing- the lust goes on and on. I spent years thinking I was helping him but I wasn’t, I was enabling him by freeing up his money for drugs when he relied on me for everything else.

He’s now been served with a notice to get out of his current flat by March 3rd. I know he expects me to have him live with us but that’s not going to happen. I can’t give anymore. I am exhausted and he has broken my heart. I love my son but I don’t love the life he chooses to live. HE has to make the decision to change himself. His failure is not my failure as a Mum. He has had every opportunity to embrace the help offered by professionals but still he carries on. I have to step back now. My love and best wishes go to all trying to deal with their child’s addiction. We live in our own personal Hell wondering where we went wrong but we haven’t gone wrong. We care. God Bless you all.

[jasmine]

So nothing has changed really, it’s gotten worse. He moved out in November to live with his girlfriend, so now I’m keeping them both. He’s definitely more manipulative and threatening, he tells me to just give him the money and he will leave me alone. I will have 10/12/15 missed calls in a matter of minutes if I don’t answer the phone. He owes my husband £900 for his mobile phone bills. My husband had a heart bypass in January and I was targeted mercilessly for money on a daily basis, looking back between £600 and £1000 per week, all my savings have gone and I’m accumulating an overdraft. He managed to get a new job in December via an Agency and they have now offered him a permanent job but he phones me every day because he has no money for fuel to get to work, electricity, food etc. He knocked the door at home an hour ago saying he had taken an overdose the previous night, had lost all his money on a payday loan, could I give him money? I said I couldn’t.I did hope he would keep his job but I don’t hold out much hope.

[jasmine]

So, here we are, no change. He continually asks or money for food/electricity/petrol to get to work and still lives with his girlfriend. A fortnight ago I told him I had had enough and could no longer fund him. He quickly ditched his girlfriend and said he was coming home to sort himself out. He stayed a couple of nights and I presume he has gone back to his girlfriend. He harasses me everyday for money, why do I fall for his lies? He needs new tyres for the car I bought so he could get to work !! Etc etc! He came back home, his Grandad (aged 95 is missing 700 pounds) and my purse has disappeared. I now have a text message (I froze my bank cards) saying an attempt to spend 265 pounds was declined yesterday. How on earth do I get out of his situation? I have threatened suicide and my Doctor has put me on medication. How do I get out of this mess?

[lezconnecting]

Wow , I am laid in bed 5 am with daughter age 30 next to me. Staying at my sisters house for a visit .

My 30 year old daughter was a successful business woman who got into an abusive relationship at 23 then took coke heavily drank heavily.

She then lost her baby at full term and nearly died all un substance related. Fast forward 3 years… 2 years of abusing , opiates, benzodia, alcohol, solvents …. Almost died of paracetamol overdose last November now with raging oxycodone and solvent problem.

Fighting a negligence case against NHS for the loss of her son.

I have even relocated with her to try and ‘save’ her.

I have tried everything to help her reduce , keep safe, get on track blah blah. Have given up my home, career everything to support her.

Where does this end??

I need someone to talk to who understands.

This is a living nightmare..

[ginger71]

As the person who started this thread I look back and see all the people who feel lost and helpless like me. I know there is no answer I can give other than to know that it is not you, it is not your child it is the drugs that are destroying everything. I read in a book that I think someone on here recommended that drug dealers are like groomers and that is so true. My daughter was given so much gear when she was so was young because in her words she was “pretty”. In my words yes she’s beautiful but she’s very manipulative and that is a word that repeats over and over again in these posts.

I cannot ever explain to anyone who hasn’t been there the pain of watching the destructive force of drug addict. I cannot explain the desire of a parent to fix it, to save them and to believe that this is the last time. My rational head tells me to be hard and that the only way is for my child to find her own way, to fall to darkest depths and hopefully, fingers crossed, wind blowing in the right direction see a light of hope of what could be.

I’m sorry there isn’t a magic answer. My daughter spirals between realising the mess she is making, to telling me she is wasting her talents to spending her money on coke, weed and alcohol.

Remember somewhere deep inside is still your child.

Claire

[Author]

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