[kittycat21]

It’s been seven long years that feels like forever, my boyfriend turns into an abusive monster when he drinks and I can’t take being around him any longer so now I banish him from the house if he drinks. It’s easier now that he has his own place – I don’t feel so bad for locking him out – but I still can’t shake the worry and anxiety around his drinking. I creep around the house, keep the lights low at night and feel like a prisoner. Not left the house in over a year due to shielding so even more isolated than before. He has schizophrenia as well as alcoholism – a double edged knife, that I have to balance upon when I’m around him. He has hallucinations and is very paranoid. In a way I’ve become his carer – but sometimes i feel he’s taking advantage of my good nature – I end up doing everything when he’s around just to keep the peace and to prevent him stressing out on me. He can be verbally and physically abusive, he upsets my neighbours banging down my door in the early hours and shouting like a madman. I’ve lost count the number of times the police have been called. He’s relapsed again with the drinking – he’s managed to stop for six months. But then the schizophrenia gets worse – it’s like the drink calms him down to a point until that takes over and the monster is released. He gets scarily angry in fact they are violent rages that leave me literally shaking. I can’t believe how I’ve managed to stay sane through all of it – he’s physically injured me on a number of occasions but the worst is the mental abuse and manipulation. I feel like I can’t even trust my own judgement – somehow he always manages to get back here – even though I tell myself to stay strong and don’t let him back. I don’t really have anyone else around – I’ve become like a hermit, lost good friends along the way, struggling every day. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise the sad drained face I see some days. I don’t know who I am anymore or what makes me want to live like this. Like I’m invisibly disintegrating, and no one will notice when I vanish completely. Insignificant, is how I feel. He says he loves me and wants to talk. But I think that just because he ran out of money now! I want to believe him but there is no trust. I’m afraid to end things for some reason I keep holding on not wanting to give up on him, just one last chance in a sea of chances he’s already had. I’m better when he’s not around, but lonely and scared that he will die. I want a normal life but this existence is as far from normal as you can get.

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