[moodyg]

Hi all,

I’ve come to this forum as I don’t really have anyone else I feel comfortable talking to this about and usually my way of coping is to throw myself into work and keep myself busy.

Two years ago my parents split up. My dads always been a drinker and after time went on he became an alcoholic. Mum told him to leave in hope that he would sort himself out and come back home again. Sadly in the last year Dad has moved on to heavier things and become addicted to crack cocaine.

He recently lost his driving license and been banned for three years. This was a massive shock to the family and feels like he’s on a downwards spiral. Growing up I was extremely close to my dad and ever since he’s left we’ve lost our relationship. He never contacts me only when he wants to borrow money for his dirty habit.

I took it upon myself to give him another chance and to try make frequent contact with him but he would turn up for dinner out of his face on drugs and lie constantly saying he hasn’t taken any for months.

I feel like the only choice I have is to cut him off completely and that’s what I’ve done for the last few months as having him in my life causes me too much pain. But I’m struggling with the acceptance of how much of a different person he is and why would he want to do this to our family.

It’s really hard to have grown up with a dad who was completelty involved in your life to then having nothing. It’s painful that he never messages me to see if I’m ok or what I’ve been doing. It’s like I’m mourning over a person who’s very much still alive

[icarus-trust]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can understand how very hard and painful it is for you to have lost your dad in this way.

It is a shame that you don’t have anyone to share your feelings with so I wonder if you would feel it useful to contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people, like yourself , who are dealing with the impact of someone close to them who has addictive behaviours. If you get in touch, you could talk to one of our experienced people who would listen to you and may help you to make sense of what is happening and where other help might be available.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope that you can get some support for yourself. Good luck.

[lara20]

Hey after reading your post I decided to sign up to the forum.

Reading your post was almost like reading a story on my own life. My dad became alcohol dependant in my late teens, and my mum decided to divorce him. I was the only person who kept in contact with him as he was estranged from most of his own family and my brother and sister were too young to take him on.

I kept contact for 5 years but he got worse and more depend, nastier and more out of touch with reality (although never moved into drugs). I decided to cut contact because my dad wasn’t there anymore and don’t want help and I couldn’t do it myself. Grieving for someone who physically is still there but not in any form you recognise is so very hard.

My dad died in August as as his oldest child in his main next of kin and it’s been a horrendous experience. I always hoped my dad would come back release he needed help and would get it but now that can never happen and I’m grieving all over again.

[pumpkin]

I too just signed up to this forum after reading your post. I have been struggling for a while picking up the pieces of my Dad’s alcoholism. I live in a different area to him and have been travelling back and forth to help, visit him in hospital etc. I just feel he is beyond help now and he lost his job in the past year too.

He was widowed from my Mum when we were kids then met a woman who was a heavy drinker/ I suspect alcoholic then. I went off to uni over 10 years ago and ever since I think his drinking has got heavier and heavier with an on and off toxic relationship with this woman. 3 times he has been in hospital this year, been detoxed then got out and drank again. His excuse for drinking now is worry for his partner of the toxic relationship who also ended up in hospital recently. I have tried everything to help… Shouting, stern, nice approach, understanding etc, but he just won’t stop. He says he goes councilling but I don’t believe him as he sounds slurry on the phone and then tries to blame his medication. He forgets things and now him and his partner that led him down the path of drink are planning on getting married. I said I would attend for him, if he stopped drinking. I am the only family member who still keeps contact afterall and worries that if I said no it would drive him further into a manic alcoholic state. But even still now he is drunk again, so I told him straight I don’t want to go the wedding and he said don’t come then and hung up the phone. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach as I remember him when he was “Dad” and now it is just sad to see this alcoholic he has turned into and it breaks my heart. I want to cut contact as it is making me ill with stress and unable to sleep but I just can’t bring myself to do it. So guess I have joined this forum to read other peoples stories and hopefully find answers. He drinks the hard whisky stuff, sneaks off to shops at all hours and doesn’t eat properly. He is slowly killing himself. But I feel he is beyond help.

[lara20]

I guess the big problem comes because they need to want help. My dad never wanted help a lot of the time he didn’t even think he had a problem. Although a weekly shop involved 6 boxes of wine, 11 bottles of wine and 5 bottles of brandy.

You can only do so much, ultimatums don’t work because they will agree and then break them. You get angry/hurt they get angry and you end up in the same place over and over. The pain never changes whether you in contact or not. I guess I’m way further down the line than both of you, you guys both still deep down have hope!

[pumpkin]

I’m sorry any one has to go through this. It is heartbreaking and so sorry to hear about your Dad, I fear mine will be lost soon due to not admitting the extent of the drink problem. He always uses an excuse of stress etc. The health impacts of alcohol so far have seen him suffer delerium tremens, be put on beta blockers for bad heart, incontinence problems, depression and anxiety medication, but he won’t take his medication and continues to drink. I fear for his life, but I’m reaching the end of my tether for helping him. It’s been a downward slope for over 10 years now. It’s like the nurse said not last time but the time before he was in hospital that people go on about how bad smoking is but it is nothing compared to the destruction she sees with alcohol addiction. That was the time my Dad was in hospital and on 95% oxygen support with severe pneumonia, bought on by the drink. He has also had sepsis in the past which I think was too bought on by the drink. Back then the consultant said he was malnourished due to him filling his calories with drink. All they could do was keep him in for 7 – 10 days, detox him and send him on his merry way. The nurse said ideally, he should check into a rehab, but he prob won’t as alcoholics rarely do. They just get home after a detox, last a few days then hit the bottle again. She said they need to want to help themselves. My younger brother cut contact a while back because of the drinking and his choice of toxic relationship with his partner. I feel he is disillusioned and have spent the past couple of weeks mulling over the idea of cutting contact and even said with him being drunk again it can be a goodbye for now. If he sorts himself out then he can be in my life. But I doubt he will even remember the conversation in the morning or even in an hour. I fear he has pickled his brain and memory from the addiction.

[Author]

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