[lbz16]

I met a lovely man and we just “clicked” really hit it off. After a few weeks he told me that he was having a joint, I immediately disliked this, couldn’t believe what he was telling me, I felt angry at me for not telling me right away. I told him my views on weed and he told me that it wasn’t that bad and it wasn’t something that he did regularly, I really liked him so I believed this. And now nearly 2 years down the line, I’m here, living in his house, paying all the bills because he lost his job through his lack of motivation and nothing seems to get through to him. I love him totally, but I hate that he smokes weed every day and that he doesn’t see on the rare occasions that he hasn’t had at least 1 or knows that he can get some later that he’s a complete nightmare, he behaves like a spoilt child and is so cruel to me verbally and then he’ll completely shut down and ignore me. I cry a lot and I know that doesn’t help the situation but I feel inadequate all the time, that I’m not good enough because if I was then he wouldn’t need it in his life!! I’ve tried so many times explaining this to him, asking him, begging him to stop, to please make me the priority. He’s told me that he isn’t addicted and always gets really defensive and hurt if I even hint towards that but I just don’t understand how he can keep doing something that he knows makes me desperately unhappy and feels like it physically hurts every time he does, why would anyone conciously hurt the person that they say they love. He’s tells me that he’s never going to change, it’s what he does and I don’t know what to do with that information. I love him, I really love him but I don’t want my life to be like this. I’ve got a good responsible job, I’ve got good friends and good family and weed just isn’t acceptable for a man in his 30s to still be doing like he’s a teenager. He has responsiblies, he has 2 children (they don’t live with him but he is in contact with them) and he’s now been out of work for a year. I pay all the bills and any money he does get he always finds a way to buy weed with it, even though there are more important things like rent and electricity, he takes for granted that I pay them. I gave him money over Christmas to buy Christmas presents for his family and I’m fairly sure that not all the money went on presents even though I said that’s what it was for, I struggled for money so that his family, his children could have something and I would have appreciated if there was spare money that it would go towards bills. I do believe that he loves me, I see glimpses that tell me that he does, but it feels like he can’t let go of his past habits, which isn’t helped by the people that he calls his friends…all drug abusers. He would drop anything to help them if they need anything, giving them a place to sleep etc even when I’ve said I’m not happy about it. I feel so unimportant to him, it feels like the only thing that is important is his bloody plant!! I’ve read lots, I know it’s not as dangerous as some drugs, I’ve never disputed that but it’s tearing us apart so why can’t he stop?!! Why aren’t I and what we have a good enough reason to stop?! Why is there no fear of losing me? Why is there no pain from hurting me? I don’t understand!!!! I can’t talk to my family about this situation because they would disapprove of me living under the same roof of someone that takes any kind of illegal drugs, I’m scared because I have a responsible job that I could lose my job because there are drugs in my house! I hate the smell around me all the time, I hate always being made to feel second best to everything, I hate that he can close himself off from the world and not be emotionally attached like I am!! But I love him!! Any advice would be welcomed, any support would be welcomed, I don’t know who to turn to and I just feel alone all the time!!!

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