[fi100]

My son is 30 and has probably been taking drugs, mainly cocaine, I think for about 5 years. His problem is also alcohol which is how it all starts. He cannot control the amount he drinks and never wants an evening to end. This leads to house parties where he takes drugs.

He has not held down a job during this time for more than 12 months, has no money and as a result is still living at home. I can see now that my husband and I have enabled him by helping him with debts etc.

He is now mentally far worse than he has been all along. He calls himself “ the master of manipulation “ and he truly is! When drunk/ high he has been verbally abusive and aggressive to my other son and friends of his.

I do not know what to do. I want to throw him out but my husband can’t bring himself to do this. We are thinking also of rehab .. can anyone recommend somewhere?

He says that he is going to give up all this poison and for the last few days has been relatively normal. He says he wants rehab. Any suggestions? This is my first message on the forum.

[bt1978]

Hey and welcome. Was just replying to someone else and saw this.

Your son reminds me of me way back when, before I sorted myself out.

It reads like he has a bonafide alcohol and drug problem. One leads to the other, the it way to overcome that is abstinence. Most alcoholics and addicts battle to do this alone (I’m not saying it can’t be don’t btw) and struggle to stay stopped without support or that void being filled.

He’s dead right about manipulation, it’s what we do to get what we want, avoid detection and carry on without question, trouble is there are always consequences.

The first thing to do is to set some boundaries and tell him you won’t be enabling the behaviour any more. The more you enable the less likely he is to make a serious attempt at quitting

Second up there are aa and NA meetings on zoom alld at every day which require a phone or tablet or of to attend remotely, that’s it, maybe he can get identification there and peer support.

Rehabs are great, I don’t have anything against them, however they are bloody expensive and not a guarantee to work – are you in the UK or US?

[fi100]

Thank you so much for your reply. We are in the UK

[jennifer68]

Hi going through same with my son it’s heartbreaking I have rang every helpline going over past few years if your in position to afford rehab then ring Frank they will give you information I sadly am not and sadly unless you can pay for help is virtually impossible so try Frank and I wish you all the best it’s a lonely sad life dealing with a child with these problems x

[fi100]

Thank you for your message. It is a sad and lonely life. We try our very best as mothers to help and educate our children. I feel so helpless now. X

[redfox20]

Hi so sorry to hear your son is going through this, my partner has an addiction that’s tough it must be so difficult seeing your child struggle too. Have you thought of getting in touch with your gp they can help refer him to services that are free to use help groups, cognitive therapy to understand the triggers in using, im not so sure how funding for rehab will work but gp will have the information you need to help. X

[fi100]

Thank you for replying. I will certainly do that. I am looking at all avenues before making a decision as to what to do next.

[bt1978]

Hi Fi

Sorry missed the reply it’s chaotic in here with notifications!

To get a rehab or detox outside of private is impossible I think, especially with the current Corona situation.

Is he receptive to help?

[fi100]

No he has always said that he does not have a problem as he does not drink or take drugs daily only when he goes out. He has now admitted that there is a problem. I really think that he should go away for a few week and so does my husband. We could do this financially but we would want him to be with a mix of people so that he gets a broad view on life. Thanks x

[bt1978]

Thanks FI

Typically a rehab would be 28 days. You will get a mix of all sorts in there anyways.

I strongly suggest online meetings asap to get an idea of what to expect, most rehabs are based on the 12 step programme. He will meet people with the same issue from all walks of life and more importantly how they stopped using. Meetings are free and on all day every day

[fi100]

Thanks . I will suggest this today. X

[icarus-trust]

Hi

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really sorry to hear how your son’s drug and alcohol problems are affecting you. It must be very hard to know what to do and I’m glad that you have got the support of people posting here.

If you would like more help for yourself, please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the families and friends of people with addictions as we know how difficult and lonely this can be. If you get in touch I can put you in touch with one of our ‘Family friends’. These are our trained and very experienced people. May be talking with one of them would help you to know what avenues to follow.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[fi100]

Thank you for your message. It is good to hear that there is help if we want it. My son has admitted that he needs help and wants rehab so I feel slightly encouraged at the moment. Unfortunately he has to self isolate for another 10days before he can go anywhere. I will be in touch if I need to. Thanks again

[jennifer68]

Hi how s things with your son , did you manage get some information on rehab x

[danman83]

Hiya Jennifer how have you been?

[jennifer68]

Hi , how you doing ? Hope your ok , I am ok same old situation with my son , lockdown was hell ! You would of thought no drugs would of been available! But drug dealers seemed to be exempt from all the rules !! But unfortunately shops still sold alcohol which is my son’s favourite vice at moment been horrendous couple months had police involved just gets worse total self destruct he looks like down and out it’s heartbreaking but only he can help himself and don’t think he ever will I just can’t see things ever changing it’s 8 years now of drugs and alcohol . Anyway what’s your situation now ?

[debc]

Hi, my Son didn’t think he had a problem with drink and drugs until he went to Rehab, they are very good, and also very expensive.

I think as somebody else said there are meetings every day, and start looking at the 12 steps to recovery.

[lindyloo]

Hi debc

I’m happy that you’ve found rehab for you son. Its so difficult to know what to do for the best.

I’ve been trying to get on with my live and try not enable my son.

However, this has not gone down well with him.

I’ve had several calls from him ending up with him yelling at me that I’m not a caring or loving mother cos I’m not helping him when he’s struggling and him having no money for food or anything.

I’m now sitting in floods of tears yet again. I’ve sent his sister to get some groceries to his house as he says he doesn’t want to see me again. I Don’t know what to do for the best, he just makes me feel like I don’t care or love him.

I don’t know if that’s him manipulating me again as he’s good at that too. Am I wrong in trying not to enable him so much – I don’t know any more im exhausted with it all, I feel its affecting my health as its on my mind 24/7.

I’d be grateful for any advice or support.

Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

It is so hard to know exactly what is the right thing to do, I think I have spent/borrowed (never having any back) thousands over the years, but they are very clever in making us feel very guilty and also saying the most vile things at times.

I have learnt that they do not mean these things that they say, although very hurtful at the time.

I have read lots about addiction, but not really understanding the way that they think, I don’t think we ever will.

I have probably enabled my Son lots over the years, but not knowing what else to do, it was sometimes the easiest option, as soon as they have what they want they are calm again, it’s one big viscious circle, which if they never seek help for will never be broken.

Like you it does affect my health, I get really anxious and have a permanent knot in my stomach, which quite honestly really doesn’t make you feel like doing anything at all.

I hope this helps you a little bit, stay strong and it’s really good to know we have somewhere to come to share our problems. I only joined today. Take care.

[lindyloo]

Thank you so much debc, your reply really means a lot to me.

I feel i can’t talk to my elderly parents or my sisters about this, it would blow their minds and they would worry about me.

I have told a close friend so I can confide if I need to. But people don’t understand like you or I, or the others in this forum do.

Its a horrible existence isn’t it? That permanent knot as you say, is there all the time. I see his name coming up on my phone and I dread what’s coming next.

I do love him as he’s my son but I don’t like this person that this evil drug is turning him into, I feel i don’t kniw him any more ????

Thanks for reading my story and understanding. Lx

[debc]

Hi Lindyloo,

I feel exactly the same about talking to family members, as you say it would blow their minds.

I do talk to my friends, but they are lucky they don’t have to deal with addiction, and I don’t think people really understand unless they do have to deal with it.

When he’s clean and sober, life is good again, such a dramatic change, and a pleasure to live with.

The drugs and drink completely take over their life and turn them into people that you hardly recognise as belonging to you, which is very hard to see.

I love my Son too, but boy it’s hard work sometimes.

Wishing you all the best and hoping your Son reaches out for help.

Dx

[lindyloo]

Thank you i hope so too.

Take care Lx

[lindyloo]

Hi Jennifer

Good to hear from you but sorry to hear that things have not improved with your son’s addiction.

You’ll see from earlier in the thread, my son has the same issues as yours. Over a year ago, he admitted to us that he’s been struggling. He attended AA and CA meetings, did the 12 steps, got a sponsor, it was going great until he met a girl with alcohol addiction and she drove him to relapses.

However in the last month, he has ditched the gf, and reached out to us. He had to, he was getting to rock bottom. So things are going well just now, he’s contacted his sponsor attending online/face to face meetings now. Not drinking at all, as this is the main trigger, paid off a chunk of his drug debts. (Lockdown has been good for his Job, as he would have been sacked otherwise) He’s been clean for a month now.

Sorry if I’ve been talking about my situation, but I wanted you to know that it’s possible to get clean without rehab sometimes.

It’s really up to them, until they decide themselves that they need help and seek it. I know he went to to doc first and got medication (dunno what though)

In the meantime, you try to take care of yourself. Google 5min meditation, go out walking, find something that makes you happy.

Maybe confide in a close friend, read the other threads, people on this forum are so supportive and friendly.

Feel free to chat, I check in daily.

Be strong and keep your chin up,

I’m sure he’ll come round soon.

Take care

Lx

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