[jilly]

Hi,

This is my first post. I don’t have anyone I can speak to so feel this might be a good way to start. I am 40 and have been married for 8 years and with my husband for 15 years. We don’t have any children.

I think I have reached that point where I think I am going mad or wonder whether it is me and my problem. I don’t know if I would describe my husband as an alcoholic but I do think he has problems with alcohol.

He doesn’t drink everyday but when he drinks he drinks and I don’t think he knows how to stop. I think he does try but perhaps not hard enough. A couple of weeks ago on a Sunday he started drinking beer before 12pm. He said it was just a beer but then it was 3 or 4. I kept asking him to stop and he just went mad with rage. He shouted and punched the door. We avoided each other and didn’t speak about it. He won’t.

On New Years Eve he fell asleep on the sofa. He hadn’t had a lot to drink for him but had hardly eaten that day. I think he had 4 beers, 3/4 bottle of red wine and a glass of Prosecco. Last time I tried to wake him up he had a go at me so I left him with a blanket on. Anyway, when he came to bed in the middle of the night he woke me up. He was so angry at me for not leaving the heating on (it was already off) and he woke up freezing cold. He was so mad. He shoved me hard a number of times to the other side of the bed. He has never done this before, he is so angry inside.

He has always had problems with sleep but is now sleeping most of the day and getting up in the evening. He didn’t get up until 7pm yesterday. We just watched TV but didn’t speak. I think he was probably ashamed.

Anyway, he started drinking first a glass of leftover Prosecco, then a couple of beers, and then after I went to bed at 12.30ish a couple of glasses of red wine that were leftover, then he opened a new bottle of very nice red wine that I had bought for myself. I came down this morning and my heart sank – what is he trying to do to us. Is he punishing himself or me or can he just not stop.

I feel like we are moving further and further apart, I feel so lonely. I just don’t know how to deal with this. I really want to make this work but at the same time I feel that if I don’t say anything about his drinking then I am part of it.

[holkat]

Hello Jilly,

I have just registered and reading your post has really struck a chord with me as I am having some similar issues with my partner. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and I feel like I can really relate to a lot of it. I, like you, feel extremely lonely and I don’t know what to do next – everything going on with the lockdown and Covid is also not helping. I will tell you my story and perhaps we can help each other out, I don’t speak about this much to anyone either. I have been to some support groups but I don’t even tell them everything and I sometimes just tell them things are ok when they’re not.

I’ve been with my partner for 2 and a half years. When we met he told me he has had some issues with drinking in the past, but when we met I didn’t think his drinking was an issue as he didn’t drink to excess, just a couple on a weekend. He has had quite a traumatic childhood, losing his mum when he was 11 and his dad then becoming and alcoholic and neglecting him until he left home at 16. He works as a chef and in the time we’ve been together, I’ve seen how his job has had a really negative impact on his mental health. This year he was on furlough for 2 months and he was like a different person, in a good way! He was in a great mood and really looking after himself without the stress of work. He was starting to have a drink more and more often but it didn’t feel like a huge issue then, just a few drinks in the evening. He then went back to work but under more pressure than ever, working in a restaurant with skeleton staff and working 60-70 hour weeks. He started coming home from work every night either already drunk after drinking at the end of his shift, or bringing drinks home and getting drunk at home every single night. He then continued drinking on the nights he wasn’t at work.

When I started telling him I was concerned, he carried on but started hiding it from me. He would put some of the cans in the regular bin instead of the recycling, and sometimes would get up in the morning and take recycling out before I got up. I tried to be really supportive, offering to help him get some support, suggesting other things we could do in the evenings, offering to pick him up from work. He still drank every night and just started getting more annoyed that I kept going on about it, constantly telling me he was ‘fine’ and not concerned about his drinking. I worked out he was drinking 40-50 units a week. His work got more and more stressful and his mental health was really spiralling. One night back in October when he’d taken the car to work, he drove home and crashed into a curb, and my car was written off. He said he hadn’t drank over the limit but I don’t know if that’s true. He got home with the wheel hanging off telling me he wanted to die, it was traumatic.

He eventually just left his job in December, handed in his notice with no other job. I praised him for it because I couldn’t bare to see him suffering any more, he was so depressed and just wouldn’t stop drinking. I really thought things would get better and he would take a positive turn and stop drinking but that hasn’t happened. Now, I am starting to just feel really upset and angry at him because I now am starting to feel like he is just treating me so horribly and taking me for a mug. He now goes out for a ‘walk’ but comes back 5 hours later and has been drinking, even thought he says he has no money. I ask him when he say’s he going out walking, ‘are you going to have a drink?’ he says ‘no, I have no money’ but then comes back drunk. When he’s sober and I try and talk about it, he just gets annoyed and walks away. He is incapable of talking about anything.

At this point I just don’t know what else to do. I care about him and want to help and support him, and I have offered him so much sympathy and support but he has just ignored it. I am angry with him that he just keeps lying to me constantly and I feel like an absolute fool and feel like just leaving him. But now with lockdown and him having no job, I feel so guilty doing that and I even think if I told him it was over, he would just ignore me, or probably wouldn’t be able to move out for a couple of months. Not to mention how guilty I feel even thinking about leaving him when he has an addiction which is an illness, he has mental health issues and what would that make me if I just walk out on him and don’t support him.

Wow…that was a long story sorry! But it actually feels good to write it all down. I don’t know if this is helpful but maybe having some things in common we can chat about it and try and help each other.

Take Care x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jilly, I’m so sorry to read of your husband’s problem with alcohol. It’s sad that you are feeling so lonely and I am glad that you have found this forum.

What you are coping with is hard, so if you would like some help please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports families going through what you are. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with or they would help you to find local support.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

If you are worried about your husband getting physically aggressive with you please don’t hesitate to phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247or information and advice. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I hope this is helpful. All the best.

[Author]

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