[floo64]

I cant do this on my own, i really have no idea where to even go or what to do anymore..
ive been smoking weed and cigs hardcore sine 2009, i have been actively trying to quit for a year now. I cant even go a day without smoking, its all i think about, it consumes my life now. it never used to be this way. i have an addictive personality it sends me into panic mode thinking of not smoking ever again in my life .

i know its just weed and tobacco, but its to the point where i cant eat or sleep if i don’t smoke, i go into rage modes where i physically hurt myself and others, i try killing myself, i literally go insane. After the rage stops my whole body and mind just hurt, for up to 4 days after the rage episode. its like, once my mind is there i cant stop until i explode, i call it a brain orgasm, im so mean, i don’t even remember half the shit i say to people or do, i just get so angry and upset.

the longest ive gone without smoking in three years is about 7 days, the nightmares, the waking up in a wet bed from sweating all night, even if its cold inside my room, i sweat, makes sense, im going through withdrawals, but i cant eat for five days, i don’t sleep for five full days, its hell.

its to the point where i only smoke to feel sick, i like the tobacco buzz, my mind also thinks it wont get high unless the cig tobacco is mixed with it. i smoke all day long, i puke about 3 times a day from it.
my lungs sound like a 90 year old, i have really bad congestion where i cant even breathe after i smoke, i have to gasp for air.

with that said, i still dont care what its doing to my body as long as i have my weed and cigs. I have been to the doctors and they tell me i either have bi polar, or a mood disorder with depression. I cant even keep a job for longer than a year. it always ends up with this cycle.

im not a really lazy person, i like, i NEED to be around people to feel happy, but its like once i have a job, even one that i love, i can only hang for about 8 months, then i go into these huge depression spells where it effects everything in my life. I almost got fired for exploding on my manager four months ago.

im afraid to go back to work or even look for another job, i dont want to be stressed out and have to smoke weed after work, it will make it worse. i really just have no idea what to do anymore. ive asked, and ive done everything i can think of to make this change possible. i just cant do it alone, its so hard. its such a hopeless feeling, im so tired of crying over the same things every time, my fiance’ deserves better than this.

i need help. idk what to do

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