[daniela]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a couple years now. We moved in together about a year ago and that’s when signs of addiction became obvious — hidden alcohol around the house and cocaine use. He’s using it often enough where he alternates between staying up for a couple nights in a row to crashing and sleeping the next couple days.

He convinced me that he was doing less and less and eventually would quit. But it hasn’t happened, and I’ve been left feeling super drained by this situation.

I just signed a lease to move into a new apartment next month. I feel really guilty, but also don’t really know what else to do. I’m also torn, because I’m moving out, but we’re going to stay together. I told him that I wasn’t going to allow any drugs or alcohol at my new apartment. I also told him that he needs to focus on improving his life.

Has anyone else done this before? I’m really confused and wondering if it’s better to just break up and move on with life.

[paul0572]

Move on trust me . I stuck by my ex partner of 10 years for 2 years through addiction .

I lost myself in the addiction, destroyed me mentally and physically. If I could turn back the clock now I would of walked away straight away .

If he loves you he will get better and come and find you .

Take time for yourself and do things that make you happy .

Trust me I was told this 2 years ago and I thought , no way . I’m not leaving her I can help . All it did is push us away from each other . There’s 3 of you in your relationship and your needs are last on the list.

Just get that now apartment and tell him you will be there for him when he’s ready to get help and leave and don’t look back .

I lost everything over cocaine addiction and I did everything to stop my partner from using and it destroyed us .

[daniela]

10 years is such a long time, I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this also. Can I ask what made you walk away? Did something happen specifically, or did you just realize it was time to move on?

[natty3]

That sounds heartbreaking. I might be on my way to a similar decision. What strikes me is the loneliness of living with someone and feeling like their presence is increasingly empty/estranged – like they’re in a bubble and I can’t get in (well, I could join in but I don’t want to) and they can’t get out. Your feeling of guilt is understandable, but you shouldn’t feel guilty – there comes a point when you need to look after yourself. Your emotional/mental well-being, your life, is just as important as theirs. You have done your best to help this person, but only they can make the changes/choices to seek support for their addiction and/or to give up the substance use. I wonder if, in some cases, leaving someone might actually be the push/wake-up call a person might need in order for them to initiate change.

[careaboutyou]

Hi Daniela,

I was married to an alcoholic who eventually died. I had to escape with my son to save myself and my child. It sounds like you don’t have children, which is good.

My advice to you is…..it will never change. You sound young. Please don’t waste any more of your time on him and cut all ties. Only he can help himself, nothing that you do will make any difference. You have to think of yourself, save yourself and leave.

Don’t let him around your new place, don’t tell him the address, he will only come around and try to get you to help him in a collapsed state. My late husband also turned up threatening to kill himself, my son was hiding under a table. Don’t let him come around. Routing for you!! Leave!!!x

[Author]

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