[brrwz]

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he had done coke before we started going out. I was told that he didn’t do it anymore. He then started using behind my back, I was convinced he was having an affair but he would talk me out of it, he suffers from some mental health problems so naturally I would worry anyways. found out before Christmas 2018, as someone messaged me saying he owed money. When I confronted him he told me everything. I was beyond angry, hurt and upset that he lied. I told him I didn’t want to be with him if he carried on so we seeked help. We made appointments at no limits, we went to 3. He said it wasn’t working. Then he slipped back into his old habits of disappearing. About 6 weeks ago he sat down and told me he finally was ready to give it up, felt he wanted to do it for himself and not me. Which I thought was positive and we may actually have a chance of getting through this. I am finding this still so difficult and hard. I stay with him nearly every day either at his or mine. I just went to get some stuff from his as he’s been out at the pub. And I went up to his room and there was an empty baggy and ripped up paper. I have confronted him by text (won’t answer the phone) he has just ignored me. I really needed to vent. I can’t imagine how hard it is for him, I never have done it. But it’s so difficult to know how to support someone through something like this.

[centralscot]

Brrwz. Everyone’s story overlaps and I see much of my partners behaviour in ur story.

Sometimes it just help to get it out. I go through every emotion – anger, hate, frustration, sympathy almost every day.

We’re at the stage where it’s not even mentioned (it’s like the elephant in the room). I hope for your sake maybe he will succeed in giving it up at some point.

You need to look after yourself and stay strong x

[brrwz]

I hope you are also ok. I find this makes me feel so alone. We talk about it, but I have to be in the right frame of mind or it just ends up with me being judgmental and not very supportive. I have never done. It is so annoying because he’s not done it since we spoke properly and he only told me Tuesday how proud he was. And now look! X

[danman83]

He needs stop alcohol for a start.. alcohol is the main trigger to get coke. He needs delete all his coke dealers out of his phone, and mates and fam who have it. Avoid pubs at all cost. Its in every pub going.

Come off social media aswell, and basically avoid anything to do with coke. If hes picked coke up on say asda carpark… he needs avoid going even there as it triggers his brain to get coke.

[brrwz]

I’ve been reading your replies on numerous posts for about 3 months now. Thank you for being so open about your problems because it made me see how difficult it can be from his point too, without having to go on about it. He doesn’t know I’ve spoke on here. But I’m going to show him some of your answers, I saw somewhere that you were taking a supplement which was helping? I will show him your reply tonight!

[danman83]

Thanks for that it means alot. My gf just says. Just stop dan.. its not hard.. just get some will power. She pisses me off sometimes. Shes not supportive one bit, but i dont blame her tbh.

Yes im still taking then chinese herbs, theres no harm in trying, i even tried a hypnotist last week.

But regarding coke.. its everywere, i was just talking to a girl at work then on my nightshift, and she said she brought some in on the day shift this week to keep her going! Its mental.

Some of my 16year old sons mates sell it on snapchat. He doesnt do it though thank god. Im not defending your partner here, but once you have it and are hooked. You litrally need to avoid everywere and everyone.

Have you heard of emotional, mental, physical relaspe? Basically its like were i can start an argument with my gf on purpose just as an excuse to get coke.

Its about learning these behaviours and avoiding them.

[brrwz]

That’s the trouble it really is everywhere, we are quite young. I was quite naive never thought it was a big a thing as it is. He has tried to explain, and I’m tying my best but sometimes it does end up me shouting out of pure frustration. What were the herbs called? Think he’s wiling to try anything at this point! No I haven’t heard of the relapse. But actually makes sense. ThNk you for your honesty!

[danman83]

jia wei xiao yao wan. You can get them off ebay. I get the ones that are i think… 12 pound for 2 packs. 200 balls in each pack. You take 10 a time. They are only small.

[brrwz]

Thanks! Will see if that’s any help!

[brrwz]

So this morning he phoned me apologising, I was supposed to go to his tonight 10 minutes before I’m supposed to be there. He texts ‘do you mind if you stay home tonight’ yeah actually I do.. but what’s the use or point

[danman83]

Well hes obviosuly getting on it again. Soo what are you going to do?

[brrwz]

I have no idea, my parents saying the truth yet I don’t agree as my heart is telling me another… I never saw myself in this position and always thought I’d know what to do, but I have no clue anymore

[danman83]

Your just gonna have sit down with him and have a good talk, you obviously want to make it work with him. So tell him he gets the help and start putting the effort in and proving to you he is. Or he carrys on using and you just stay with him and put up with it. But if you have no kids, i wouldnt go start a family till he is fully clean. Thats just my opinion.

[brrwz]

I wouldn’t bring children into this, not on the cards until this isn’t a concern. It’s hard enough for me to deal with. Thank you for your help

[danman83]

How old are u both if u dont mind me asking?

[brrwz]

I’m 22 and he’s 23

[danman83]

Your both only young. I was late starting on coke i was 25. Im 36 now. I wasnt that bad for a few year. Just the odd time.

But ive always said.. im glad it wasnt that bad as it is now when i was younger. A lot of teenagers are on it now and with it being soo addictive. Young people go out every weekend more or less… they will be having coke every weekend, and they just will think its a social thing. But as they get older and stop going out, alot are addicted to it already and start having it on there own and at work.

Im basically saying if your young on it and your addicted, i wouldnt like to be in there shoes. My advice to anyone is .. dont even attempt to take coke

My sons friends all sell it on snap chat and insta! Pictures of the bags saying 2 for 60! Its madness. But my son doesnt hang around with them anymore

[brrwz]

I know, it is crazy isn’t it. He says to me and to anyone don’t even try it once. I never have done it and wouldn’t want to. It is ruining his life already, we should be preparing for a mortgage not worrying about this. But we are. I’m glad your son has stayed away, doesn’t need those friends!

[danman83]

But some friendly advice here lol…you obviously love him and want to make it work. But you have your own life and you dont want to waste it away waiting.

Id give him a set target say if hes not sorted in at least 2 year your leaving, and stick to it.. there are woman on here who have put up with her husbands like this for 10 year and same with my gf. But we have kids together.

You have your own life aswell. But plz dont take that the wrong way.

[brrwz]

No I appreciate it. I haven’t taken it in the wrong way at all. Honestly it’s all helpful and like I say nice to hear someone being honest from the other side. I’m going to leave him alone tonight, not text him and turn my phone off. Tomorrow morning I will go and see him to talk things through, and I think perhaps give him an ultimatum. I’m starting uni part time in September too, which means I’m going to have to start being selfish

[danman83]

You need to think of yourself anyway and your career. If i could turn back time and start all over again i would.

Ill shut up now haha.. have a good weekend ????

[brrwz]

No worries, like I say I appreciate the advice. And you, keep doing what your doing and here if you need to vent

[brrwz]

Just using this to vent now Unfortunately I haven’t seen him today, he said he is no good for me and doesn’t want to be around me today, but will see me tomorrow. Probably another empty promise

[danman83]

You vent as much as you want! Lol

Ye that… ‘he is no good for you’ comment seems like hes had coke last night and is on a downer.

[danman83]

You spoke to him?

[brrwz]

He text me last night asking me to stay away until tomrorow but then phoned me and said he didn’t want me sat at home upset on my own. His mum messaged me saying there was a family party and to come, so I left him at his stewing for a bit, enjoyed myself at his uncles and came back on and off. We haven’t spoke about it because When I got there I couldn’t be bothered. I stayed last night so hope we are going to speak about it properly today. Thanks for asking!

[brrwz]

So it’s worse than I thought. He’s in debt, still doing and has been on and off the whole time he was trying to quit. I’m trying to not be cross as doesn’t achieve anything. I’m so disappointed, feel so hopeless and helpless

[danman83]

So whos he in debt with the dealers? How much?

He needs to cut off everyone to do with cocaine. Even his best mates.

Does his parents know his situation?

[brrwz]

Yes with the dealers. We have been and paid everyone tonight about 1000. I’m hurt. I also have just been on his phone when he fell asleep (I feel awful now for going on it) deleted everyone who looked as tho they supply him coke.

I have said this but don’t know how to make it more clear, I think he needs to go to the GP as he is depressed as well as struggling with an addiction.

Yes but his dad does coke a lot and his mum is at the end of her tether.

[joanna1]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through – the ripple effects of addiction. The fact of the matter is that addicts are selfish, self-centrered individuals, and liars, cheats and thieves too when in active addiction. I know; I am an addict – but now a very grateful recovering one, 8 years clean. My advice to you is that your boyfriend has to want to be clean and free from drugs himself. You can’t save him. In addition you need to set boundaries with him as each time you rescue him you are enabling him. Leave him to protect yourself. Yes he may come back crying, making promises; but really it’s for himself he would be crying and not for you. When he uses, he may be taking or putting you at risk as hes not in possession of his faculties. One thing that certainly made me jack up and seriously embark on a journey of recovery was the threat of my partner leaving me. Yes it’s co-dependent behaviour but it kickstarted my recovery. I go to narcortics anonymous (NA) and it has served me very well for my recovery. There are meetings everywhere across the country. You can google this program.

[danman83]

Tbh if it carrys on id leave if i was you. Your only young, your going to uni as well. You dont need this and you have no ties with him. Plus how much is the next bill he is going to rack up. But thats your decision.

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