[hje]

I have just read your post. Although I can’t find the words right now, I hear you and even though my situation isn’t exactly the same I understand how frustrated they can make you x

[natasha911]

Thank you. That means a lot. I really appreciate you taking the time.

[careaboutyou]

Hi, the anger that you carry is typical for people close to or directly dealing with an alcoholic. I am the widow of an alcoholic, he died in 2012. I hated him at the end, he hated me and he hated his family, even though we’d all rescued him repeatedly and tried to help him.. to no avail.

I would say it took me 7 years for the anger to subside. The amount of stress that they put you through is phenomonal and like you, instead of seeing this as a disease, I believe that it was always my husband’s choice to stop, but he didn’t. They are totally selfish, completely unaware of what they’re doing to everyone around them and in denial that they have a problem.

You mention that he soiled himself. My husband was regularly incontinent due to heavy drinking ( usually urine not the other ), but this is one of the most difficult aspects of the condition to talk about. This is typical of an addict, with hindsight I know this, I didn’t at the time. He once urinated all over a leather sofa that cost £2k by accident of course…but it was ruined. It makes your skin crawl and it’s the horror of it. I too hated my husband for years.

I eventually reached a place of forgiveness, but it took years. I still have flashbacks of what I went through with it, but I’m now living a happy life.

But I have tremendous empathy for you and I’m writing to you, as when I was dealing with it, there was little to no support for partners and families. Al-anon were useless.

I would advise you to cut all contact with your brother, he doesn’t deserve to see you or your Son. It sounds like he is in a very advanced state of alcoholism and cannot be helped unless he does it himself.

I really relate to your pain and your anger…why should he be doing this to you, it’s affecting you. Just try to cut him out, tell him he’s never welcome again at your house. I do feel sorry for his wife, although you say that she is unstable as well.

You will just have to leave him to it and not get drawn into it. At least you are not living with him every day!! As you say the visit was bad enough, imagine what it’s like every day!.

I’m hoping that you can find peace for yourself and your family, and block out the menace. xx

[alexellis41]

Hi, I read your post a few months ago now and have wanted to reply for so long but wasn’t sure what to write and how to describe the way I’m now feeling. My older brother passed away last year at 41 years old due to alcohol abuse. He had an episode of drinking, decided to stop and had a seizure. This was a regular occurrence but this time the ambulance took 2 hours to get to him and by the time they did he was in cardiac arrest. I could have wrote your post, it’s how I felt, your story is so similar to mine. How he destroyed his marriage, lost his highly paid job, caused nothing but upset to our parents, tortured our Mum until she gave in to his demands. The countless times I screamed at him to stop his drinking and couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t stop not even for his beautiful 9 year old daughter. I can’t tell you how much I hated him just like you do your brother. Except now all I feel is guilt and would do anything to have him back even if it meant going through all we did again. I often thought about him not being here and told myself I wouldn’t care, that he would only have himself to blame. How wrong was I. My Dad passed 4 years before my brother. I would often tell him how he ruined the last few years of our Dads life. I hoped by telling him this he would stop. I begged him not to do the same to our Mum. He did worse, he died and she will never be the same again.
I’m not sure why I’m telling you this but I just don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. I use to try and understand why he would drink when he had everything. A wife, a little girl, a lovely home, a great job, money, family that would do anything for him but he didn’t understand himself. The alcohol just takes over and they don’t think.
I hope your brother is doing better then he was and please God he will change and one day be happy again.

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