[mattingly45]

As a young adult, it took me up until now to stop being blind to my environment and come to realize I have an alcoholic parent. That being my mom.

I’ve never really had the best relationship with her, and the excessive, severe drinking she does…doesn’t really help with the situation. I have a hard time trusting her because of this. A very hard time.

I can’t trust her with going out to a gas station or even someone else’s home without thinking she’ll pull out a can of lager from her bag. I can’t walk out to the kitchen late at night to get a glass of water without looking out to see my mom on the porch drinking glasses of wine, too many glasses to count. I can’t even go to my part time job without the paranoid, intrusive thoughts of what my mom could be doing while I’m away for 6 hours, 4 days a week.

What’s even worse is that she drives under the influence, and there have been people who don’t do anything about it cuz they too are either drinking or are afraid to say something. My younger sister and I would be in the back of the car listening to music while our mother is in the front, driving a bit faster than normal with little to no sense of where she’s headed whilst drinking endless cans of beer or sneaking wine in a metal water bottle.

There have been times where my sister and I are terrified or are crying from the fear of danger we’re in, or one person will try and contact another nearby while the other basically silences them. Because we’re that afraid to know what our mom could do if that person went to her about the matter.

On that note, a ton of people, including my dad and grandma and many others including me, have tried so many times over to tell my mom to stop drinking and even driving drunk, yet she keeps doing so behind our backs.

She has been verbally aggravated as well when drunk, if drunk enough, being up in our faces and making verbal threats, including to my younger sister.

I’m always afraid to say something because I tend to lack the confidence in standing up for myself and defending the people I promised to protect.

Sometimes I start crying too, as if I get the sudden feeling that my mom is or was consuming alcohol, and there are times where I’m correct on the matter and stay in my room for hours upon hours at a time, frozen in place and in fear.

I don’t know what else to do besides advice I was given from friends and loved ones, I have plans set up for if and when this ever occurs again yet I’m afraid to act on them, afraid of what the person who raised me could do if I did.

I just want to do the right thing and call somebody. And I can! But I’m afraid to. And I don’t know what to do.

[bookholm]

I feel like you are a lot younger than me (I’m 38) but I am facing the same situation I have always felt when I am around my alcoholic mother.

First of all, if you and your younger siblings are unsafe, you need to and DESERVE to be safe.

The only thing that ever worked for me was to try to get out and stay out of that situation, physically and emotionally. It’s complicated because you have younger siblings…is there a family who could help care for them? Might be best to go through a safe family member first rather than child protective services.

I think if I was younger the only things that would have been helpful, besides getting out of there, was remembering:

1) the situation really is “that bad”. She is a “real addict” and not “just coping” with whatever or whoever she blames her behavior on (her kids, parents, husband, or her difficult life). My mom blames her behavior on her childhood trauma and her divorce and hasn’t changed her tune since my 20s. She went through messed up stuff…but that doesn’t mean it is safe for me to be around her behavior.

2) In a few years people will tell you you have to forgive your mother and take care of her, especially as she gets old and frail (with alcoholics this happens sooner than later.) They will say things like “there is no manual for bringing up kids, everyone makes mistakes.” You need to remember these people don’t know her or have any idea how it is to live with a self destructive and manipulative person. Her problems will be real and she may start referring to herself as “abandoned by her children”. But when you get out of there, you can’t let her toxic behavior influence your wellbeing, even if you feel bad for her, even if she is in a horrible situation.

Anyway that’s about it. You can’t change her behavior, but maybe you can help your siblings who are also victims of this situation. But you shouldn’t try to do that on your own, and ultimately she (and the other adults in your family) should be the ones providing a safe environment. This shouldn’t be your responsibility.

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