[songbirdgarden76]

Hi Everyone. I’m glad I found this site and I’m hopeful that connecting with some of you will help. This is all new for me.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8. I truly believe he is my soulmate, my best friend, my entire world. I thought he felt the same way. Together we have a 7 year old and I have a 16 year old from my previous marriage. He is 13 years older than I am.

My husband had a very traumatic childhood. He was never shown love, affection and that continued into adulthood with numerous woman, relationships, multiple children. I had a completely different upbringing. Mine was full of love and support. When I met my husband he told me of his past and of the decades of drug useage. I believe that was all in the past and never judged him on his past. Over the years every so often I would figure out that he was using but the instances seemed isolated. I am not familiar with addiciton. I am not familiar with drug use or what to look for.

My husband suddenly walked out of our lives two months ago, 3 days after I was discharged from the hospital after having minor surgery. While I was in the hospital I kept our autistic child with me the entire time. My husband did not visit and barely called me. When I was resting at home, he stormed into the bedroom, picked a fight over something ridiculous and stormed out of the house. He came back 2 weeks later telling me he didn’t love me, hasn’t been in love with me and he was leaving. He took 2 suitcases full of clothes, left everything else here and was gone. He closed the bank accounts and locked my debit card. He did not pay our monthly bills. He took the down payment we were saving for a house.

For the first month he texted me all hours just blaming me for everything, all our problems (we argued occasionally but it was never anything too too bad), he totally ignored the large sum of money he removed from the bank account or his actions. He was just mean, so mean, and downright cruel. He took my brand new vehicle and gave me back my 17 year old vehicle without working air conditioning. I am a stay at home mom and completely dependable on his income.

I was able to confirm two of the people he is hanging around with, both are homeless, one is an alcoholic and one has an extensive drug use and criminal past. I have a feeling that neither one of these people are homeless anymore. His drug of choice was previously crack and/or cocaine.

His work has suffered and he’s been kicked off numerous projects. He is barely hanging on to the one he has left. Work was everything. He was so good at it. He made a name for himself in his industry and he destroyed it. People who would only work with him now want nothing to do with him.

Watching someone I love, admired, looked up to spiral out of control is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t know what to do, if there’s anything I can do? I am terrified that he will wind up overdosing and die. I don’t want that for him or for our children. My daughter and our son were his world. He isn’t in the best help and now the coronavirus is going around. I doubt he will go to rehab…how do I even approach that? He doesn’t have any family here and his family isn’t helpful and they aren’t close. He really doesn’t have any friends except one or two close friends who have known him for 30 years.

Our chemistry is still there. I feel it. I love him with everything I have. The kids want their dad back. I want my husband back. I know there’s no crystal ball but I have no idea what to do. I have family telling me to file for divorce and end it. I don’t want to.

Do addicts ever realize what they are doing and decide to change/seek help? How will I know when it’s too late? I know he is a grown man and has to realize things for himself. I don’t understand addiction or what goes on in the mind of addicts. He had everything going for him until he got caught up with the wrong people. I thought being almost 60 years old, this was past him.

Any advice? Suggestions? Anything?

Thank you all so much for reading my story.

[lemonysnicket]

Hello @Songbirdgarden76 I am sorry to hear about what’s happened to you, your family and your husband. Cocaine has wrecked my family. I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt for over 5 years not realising that the addiction he had confessed to years before had never really gone away. Financial and emotional catastrophe ensued. Everything came to a head not because of his using but because of hidden debt and its consequences. Despite some positive signs in recent months, I chose to initiate divorce because I need security for myself and my two teen children. I need to put on my life jacket now. I suggest you do the same. It won’t be an act of betrayal. It doesn’t show a lack of faith. You just need to protect yourself and put yourself first before you can help him. But first he has to want to help himself. Take care xx

[songbirdgarden76]

Thanks LemonySnicket. I can relate to your situation so much. I too, believed that the addiction he told me about had never really gone away. The financial and emotional catastrophe I am currently enduring is just unbelievable. It is completely unbelieveable what he did and how he did it – to ruin us financially – and take away so much from his own children. It’s all still so fresh, still so new. It’s like I’m so angry and sad at the exact same time. I want him to see and to feel the consequences of his actions. I want him to be held responsible. I want him to look into the eyes of his children and see what he did. But he doesn’t, does he? Do addicts ever? Then of course I am my own worst enemy and start second guessing what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently. It’s a hard pill to swallow trying not to think of it like I wasn’t good enough to stop him, that the kids and I and everything we built together wasn’t good enough to stop him. That he should have chosen us over the drugs. I know that’s my way of thinking and in time that will pass.

Just everything right now is so difficult. Kudos to you for taking such a difficult step and initiating divorce and moving forward for you and the kids. I should most definitely put on my life jacket.

Thank you!

[hox-26]

Cocaine has also destroyed our life. ‘Husband’ and I are separated. He has huge debts and is now in prison.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying as it has happened to me but like Lemony says he has to help himself. I also had to put on my life jacket and I am busy treading water but protecting myself.

Look after yourself.

[songbirdgarden76]

Thanks Hox26. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I guess with all of it I’m just scared he won’t help himself. Like everything, it’s hard to accept that this is out of my hands. Especially when it’s just watching someone you love just destroy everything, including themselves. Even more so with wondering if today is going to be the day he overdoes and dies?

[fatherof3]

Hello Songbird76, As a recovering addict who has relapsed multiple times, it’s the guilt of falling so far so fast that may be holding your husband back from seeking treatment. Trust me he knows what it’s like being clean and sober and accomplishing so much. That’s what makes addiction so insidious, you don’t know it has you until it’s too late. No-one sets out to be an addict, it starts out as being fun. It’s funny because I am going through the same exact situation as you but the roles are reversed. It’s my sons’ mother in which I am 14 years her senior. Your husband has to get a support group. The people he’s around are contributing to his sickness. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to progress, I know I did. I admire your decision to stay and try to help him but he has to want help in order for his recovery to succeed. You have children that are depending on you as well. You have to make life for them as normal as possible. Stay strong.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. Thanks so much for your post.

Your words really hit home. Since my post my husband came to visit with the kids and as he was leaving he sobbed uncontrollably in his truck. I do not think he saw me and I pretended as if I did not see him.

I definitely want to do what is best for my children and myself. I know there is nothing I can do for him if he doesnt want the help. I see glimpses of hope but it quickly fades as he returns to his apartment that he is sharing with his new friends, the one who are in this mess with him and considering they are homeless and how much money my husband went through, I’m sure my husband is feeding everyone’s habit and paying all the other bills as well.

I suppose I’m nervous about filing for divorce or doing anything to “push him over the edge” so to speak. I don’t know if he realizes what hes done. I don’t know if he realizes what he lost. I have no idea what hes doing and I guess since this is all new, I want to somehow fix it. I think I also cant accept that this is my new reality and I’m hung up on wanting him to realize the consequences of his actions.

This completely came out of nowhere. Im sure it started out as fun and then he used our arguments as the catalyst to move out and go be with his new friends. I mean he moved out of a gorgeous, large home with his family and moved into an furnished apartment with homeless people.

I guess there is really nothing I can do except walk away? Focus on healing myself and taking care of the kids. Perhaps that is what I’m struggling with the most. At the end of the day I’m really the only person that he has and its frustrating to watch him continue to destroy everything. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

[fatherof3]

You are doing something about it, it’s called tough love. I’m going through the same exact thing. I shared my story earlier and something just bugged me to read yours. I think your husband is at a place right now where he wants the help but doesn’t know how to humbly himself and reach out for it. The hardest thing for an addict, is admitting you are an addict. The thought of not using any mind-altering substances for the rest of your life is scary for a person in active addiction. Once he gets over that hurdle things start to get better for him. He has to learn to love himself again. That’s why it is extremely important that he removes them friends from around him. They are going to keep him sick because he’s their meal ticket. I think you should find a local NA meeting and sit and listen. It will come to you who to reach out for. Like the saying goes, “birds of a feather flock together. Get them crows away for your husband and surround him with doves. In other words, help build him a new support system.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. To be honest I don’t know if this time he will be able to get over that hurdle. I don’t think he’s ever loved himself, or felt worthy or loved. Until he met me and then we had our family. But I guess old habits never die and it was easy to give in to the drug just “one more time”. Which of course led to the situation I’m in now.

I don’t even know where to begin to attempt to get him to realize to remove the toxic friends. I’ve offered for him to come home and we can live separately until we can figure something else out. Our home is plenty big for that. He has his own office here where he used to work out of. I mean it has everything he could need or want (or so I thought) and he loves his kids. But at the end of the day, he chooses to stay where he is, with those people who he feels he owes something to. I have no idea where that idea even came from.

I don’t know how to build him a new support system. I’ve told him and showed him I am here for him. His business partner has told him and showed him the same. But he doesn’t want the help. I haven’t shamed him, embarassed him or belittled him. I tried showing compassion because I can’t imagine what he is going through in his own mind. He’s been through hell and back in his life and I can understand what initially tempted him to use drugs decades ago.

I started attending a NAR-ANON meeting this week. I think it will eventually help. I will try finding a NA group as well and see if I can sit in on one of the meetings.

Just seems like there’s no way out……unless we turn our backs on the person we love.

[icarus-trust]

Hi

I’m very sad reading your posts. I really feel for you being in this horrible situation through no fault of your own. It is very hard to know that he has got to want to put things right for himself. But you really are doing all the right things. I’m glad you are finding support here and in your group but if you would like any one else to talk with please contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that offers support to people in the same situation as yourself.

Maybe talking to one of our trained people would help you to answer some of your questions and make sense of what you are feeling.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope this might help. Take care of yourself.

[Author]

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