[grannie]

My son is now 38 he started on drugs at 15 years old we have been through everything the mental torture the begging phone calls etc this was mostly in his early twenties , we still get them but not as much he lives on his own and the flat is a tip he looks like a tramp and was never ever an untidy child I have been heartbroken so many times i cannot begin to tell you , I think now I have just become hardened to it all and heard the stories so many times I switch off . What more can we do I try to take food over but now he has ripped out all the electrics , probably to sell so he can not warm anything up in the micro wave so I brought it home as when he is out of it he could eat it raw or cold and get food poising he also has hepatitis C and will not go to his hospital appointments . How long will this last

[cant-take-no-more]

Feel for you….Addiction is an evil thing that grips the whole family and those who love the addict…..Isnt it sad at what lengths they stoop for their choice of drug….stay strong hunni and know you are not alone x

[lolipop]

Oh lovely girl Your 8 months pregnant of course you want support and to feel like your loved you deserve it . This should be a special time for all of you and addiction is robbing you of it . It’s a terrible thing to live with someone who is a drug abuser It takes everything good in your life and destroys it if you let it. Do you have family or good friends who can be there for you ? Don’t be alone with your worries share them with someone . Now is not the time for you to make big decisions about what you want to do concentrate on you and your family . I wish I could say more to help love and hugs lollipop xxx

[hopefull]

Anne1 I can relate to your story. Take any and all the support thats out there. Take care of yourself.xx

[icarus_trust]

Hi NJ,

That is an awful and tough situation you’re in! You need to have a break and speak to someone about what you’re going through to help process it and get the support you deserve. The Icarus Trust are a charity who provide a free service called Family Friend. These are people who have also dealt with addiction in their families and can try and provide the support service you need, as well as a signposting service. Drop them an email on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website http://www.icarustrust.org.

Wish you all the best!

[icarus-trust]

Hi Vickie,
I’m so sad to read your story but think you are very brave to use such a hard time in your life to help other people having similar experiences. Good luck to you.

[asibling]

Thank you for sharing your story.

It seems there are few services and research done considering the experience of family members, in particular siblings. That is why I am conducting a research project looking at the narratives of siblings, encouraging others like you to share their experiences. If you wish to participate and share your story or would like more information please contact me at u1422721@uel.ac.uk. Thank you.

[nj]

Hi, I will try to contact them, I really need help, I love my husband very much and can’t bear loosing my family. How does it work

[grannie]

Thank you I have carried this burden for 20 years only me and my husband know the true extent of his drug taking, I only told one of my sisters last week , she has not mentioned it since. We dont know whether to give up or keep going I know one day I will get the knock on the door to say the worst.

[rosie82]

There is a lot more to this and have supported him through other drug taking, I have tried but looking bank on situations I think this has been going on for a while, everything seems to be falling into place, but it’s just constant lies and dishonesty, I just don’t know where to turn

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey Rosie, you must feel so devastated, but you have done the right thing for now…..being around an addict is extremely hard, and their addiction is all that is important to them. He has got clean once so can do it again, but it’s his fight! Please source out support groups for you….that was my lifeline, and coming on here..it made me stronger, and more able to cope.knowledge as they say is power…hugs Hunni xxxxxxxx

[rosie82]

I am absolutely devastated, he was my world, i haven’t been able to go back home as the thought of being there without him tears me apart, he is the best person I’ve ever met when ‘straight’. I just cannot understand why.. Why after so long go back to it, knowing that it would be the end for us. I thought we were happy, I just cannot get my head around it, and cannot stop worrying about him, what he’s doing and where he is, is he safe, so much going on in my mind but he wouldn’t tell me the truth if u were in daily contact with him which I was last week, he was still lying. Drugs ruin so many lives x

[icarus-trust]

Hi
I am so sorry that you are so stuck in such a difficult situation. Its very sad that you feel so alone, and in a different country it must be very hard for you to get support for yourself.
I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity that supports the friends and family of addicts. If you think it would help to talk to someone who would understand please get in touch. We could put you in touch with one of our trained volunteers called Family Friends who would be able to talk to you in confidence and perhaps help you to find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope this helps. Good luck!

[icarus_trust]

Hi Rosie,

Yes they do, drugs and addictions are horrific things which effect more than just the addict – their families and the ones closest to them. There are support networks out there and you can speak to people who have been in similar situations to help you. They are called Family Friends, who have been there so do know more-or-less how you feel. You can contact them by dropping an email to info@icarustrust.org or you can go the website http://www.icarustrust.org. I really hope he manages to sort himself out for you, like he did before. As “CANT TAKE NO MORE” said, it is his fight.

All the best.

[rosie82]

Thank you, I still can’t get my head around it so I do need to seek done kind of help I think, although today I am feeling angry at the moment, I’m worrying myself sick every minute of the days and it’s clear he isn’t thinking about me one bit, I honestly thought that he loved me so much but now I think that if he thought anything of me he would have sought help by now after I was on my hands and knees begging him to get help last week. I may be sounding like a cow now but I can’t understand it, I can’t understand drugs and why people would want to ruin their lives and the lives of everyone else around them who only want the best for them and love them with all their hearts

[cant-take-no-more]

Hi Cappuccino…..as a mother and grandmother,your responsibility has to lie with the child….I’ve talked to many grandparents in the same situation…3 years ago I was in a similar situation, my son had left his partner, who was struggling to cope with my GS and her other kids…both were into some form of addiction….and social services were called..I decided to try and support initially, however I could see my GS was not getting the care…after he fell down the stairs and was rushed to hospital. I knew I had to air my concerns and look out for him…my son and his GF hated it….but I don’t regret it. Thankfully they worked closely with SS and have since realised I’m not an ogre but a support system for them..All children deserve to feel loved, be safe and fed….

[rosie82]

So the last contact I had with my partner was Friday night, I have been in contact with his family to see how he is, today apparently was the day he was going to get help, why wait until today anyway I have no idea. Instead of a positive phone all, I had yet another heart wrenching call to say he had overdosed yet again, the 3rd time in 8 days. He is now back in hospital. I can’t take much more

[sally]

I agree that it is a big problem. My husband started smoking skunk from a young age. He gave up for a while then started again when I became pregnant and his hours were cut back. It is totally destroying our marriage and is a constant cause of conflict. He has changed from a calm loving person to one who is very angry and unpredictable unless he has been smoking. His anger and nastiness knows no bounds and nothing is ever his fault.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Anne,
You might like to contact The Icarus trust as we are a charity that supports the friends and families of addicts. You might like to have some support for yourself and we could put you in touch with one of our Family Friends. They are trained volunteers who would understand what you are going through and might help you to find help.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
I hope that this helps you. Good luck with everything.

[cant-take-no-more]

Oh Rosie, my heart breaks for you….I can see this from his parents point of view…I told his then GF to stay away because it would drag her down..they have a son to think about…but, whilst staying away, she told him she would support him IF he was serious about getting clean.we were in constant contact…it took my son to get to his lowest point to realise his life was shit…..he is still in Recovery and I can see every day is a struggle..he sourced help, got himself a job and is really trying..he had had 2 relapses , the last one where he too ended up in hospital…on his wristband it said unknown…that broke my heart…but I didn’t go and get him..made him make his own way home, where as a family we had a meeting , he got straight back on the phone to his counsellor, and thankfully his work have been amazing…his supervisor is an ex addict who has taken him under his wing, and that has also been a tremendous support for him…..the only thing I can say is it really is his call….as hard as it is to want to save them, we can’t…they have to want to save themselves..hugs my darling….and get some support, please! X

[icarus-trust]

Hi Roo,
I m so sorry to hear your story and the situation facing you and your daughter. I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity that supports the families and friends of addicts. It might help to talk with someone who would understand, so please contact us and we would put you through to one of our trained volunteers.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!

[meg]

although it seems your relationship was a lot more serious than mine was – the story is exactly the same..my boyfriend at the time was so honest about his past drug use I just presumed that even if the drug use did start again he’d be comfortable enough to tell me but that was far from the case. I didn’t include his suicide attempts in my blog as I feel that was more to do with his depression but someone once told me that if somebody truly wants to take their own life, they will, somebody who ‘commits suicide’ and survives, doesn’t really want to die, they want help. It’s just so hard to find that balance between looking after him and remembering to take care of yourself too because it’s almost impossible to get the balance right – I know things will get better for you, and I hope you’re looking after yourself x

[mccvaer]

hi

[rosie82]

It is so hard, I have been to see a family support officer today, and some things she said, I’m wondering how long this has actually been going on for, there have been lots of occasions and things within the home that I have thought has been strange and I’m wondering now whether the pieces are coming together, I’ll never know the truth as he won’t tell me. I feel as though he has been living a double life and wonder whether what we had was real. I feel sick to think he still hasn’t got help and worry constantly, although there is nothing I can do, I understand he has to seek help and take those next steps, I just hope and prey to god that he does. Thank you all for your support xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Laura
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I am sure you are not a failure. Its just so hard having to deal with the affects of a loved one’s addiction. At The Icarus Trust we try to support the friends and families of addicts. We are a charity and offer the free service called ‘Family Friends.’ These are experienced trained volunteers and if you contact us we could put you in touch with one of them. You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Getting in touch with us should give you someone who understands to talk to, who can hopefully help you with the way ahead. Good luck.

[tinanortheast]

you know its his nightmare..not yours…..
he did do well…
its a slip.. if he can get through this chapter of his life.. it would be nice to have someone to support him.. but you are to close to him….
tinanortheast

[cant-take-no-more]

Hey grannie….I have removed myself from any contact with my son for the foreseeable future….we have had 4years of hell…he has just spent 7weeks in prison and is back in court next week…I am ashamed,disgusted with him, and at times hate him..how sad is that? I constantly think I will outlive him…heart breaking!

[cant-take-no-more]

What I will say is let him get on with it…whatever you do it will never be enough….feel your pain Hunni, and hope you make a decision that’s right for you xxxx

[cazandyx]

Tears come again today, the loss of my brother at times becomes overwhelming. Guilt is present when I think about the anger I felt for him.
He used to scream down the phone for £25.00 and a lift. On route he would be retching and forever grateful for my time and money… apologising on route promising to give it up. I used to be fuming begging him to stop, He used to cry saying he knew his only escape was death but said he didn’t want to die yet. So he would give it another go, delighted with himself on day four when the worse of it was over. See..I can do it, honestly that’s me clean!
I said everyone around him would forgive his past, he used to say it was harder than everyone believed, the guilt he held for stealing of everyone. He said it hurt him. The loss of his partner and daughter hurt him. He said he wasn’t sure he could live a normal life again.
He asked if I found it hard to trust people, to accept a hug, we would laugh and he’d say we were really let down weren’t we. He said why did no one pick up on me eating loads of sugar, so I could stay awake. He felt completely let down by professionals and people around us. He said he still shakes himself to sleep.
Thieving barstard, psycho, black basted, thick, stupid, evil…. words that were regularly used to describe him.
After his beatings he’d come out of the room, sheepish, bruised, red faced, sometimes he couldnt move properly, sometimes he wouldn’t come out till the next day. I said I could hear you screaming Andy are you okay, he would say “I screamed so he’d think it hurt me.”
We were told our father was a black useless piece of shit, and he didn’t return for us cos he hated us. One year he told us he had seen him hanging when he had been working in Saudi. We were deflated we sat for hours praying he would come and protect us, but he didn’t. Andy always said he would like to meet him, he was Iranian and we were told lots of different stories, so to find him would have been impossible. Apparently he sent family over but nothing after. So he knew where we were at one point.
Our sister was taken on holidays and we stayed at home.
Mother had several boyfriends, one strangled me with her with a scarf, I remember feeling feint and passed out. Andy was fuming, he stole from his wallet cos he said he deserved it but he was caught..
Wow so many stories, so much pain… Andy wasn’t able to manage his emotions and used to get cross… It was put down to him being mental, a psycho, no recognition of how the evil environment impacted on him. When she was beaten and never came out of her room we were terrified because he hated us and we were at our most volnerable when she couldnt protect. I remember our breathing became quieter so he couldnt hear us…terrified!
He started smoking at about 7 yr. I remember he made me take a deeeeeep breath and I coughed my lungs up went green, we were terrified we would wake her up… He left me, she didn’t wake up 🙂
Love and miss you loads Andy X

[mccvaer]

hi i read your post and i want you to know that people living on drugs are so difficult to change i also lived with my husband who was a drug addict for 18 years but today his story have changed for good he is now a changed man and we are happy again but i may not be able to write out all that happen or what suddenly changed him but i can discuss this on email if you can email me on my private mail on mccartkatty @ gmail. com it very important i will tell you on what to do on your husband ok

[icarus-trust]

I am sorry to read about your husband’s drug use which I can see must be having an impact on you. The Icarus Trust is a charity set up to support people like yourself who are affected by a loved one’s addiction. If you feel it would be helpful to talk with trained people who are experienced in what you are going through please get in touch.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.

[cant-take-no-more]

You are a survivor xxxxxxxxx so many people let you and your brother down….I feel so very sad at your words……your brother is free now…god bless Hunni and so sorry for your loss..your brother sounds like he was a wonderful human, lost ……,take care xxxx

[cazandyx]

I’m embarrassed to admit how I judged you, how I hated the path you had chosen. I just didn’t get it, and probably never will. But in your passing I feel empathy. I genuinely believe after reflecting and looking back over the years reliving your journey (the segments you shared)can only be described as your horrendous journey. Not only a battle with in, but a battle with societies perception of you because you had been over taken by a stronger force than yourself. The hatred of society and the battle within must have been horrendous and my sincere apologies for being part of your pain. Tears flow as I write this in shame, my brother, my friend yet I judged and condemned you 🙁
I have realised too late really that no one would chose the path chosen in naivety, that one fix, pure bliss, escapism, a mask initially portrayed acceptance, bravery, no more pain, but little did we know was strangling you slowly, killing you day by day, that false sense of security was in fact an enemy that you would never free yourself from. As with child abuse, society judge what they see and not the invisible buckets of poop we carry around.
I recall your attempts to give up and how you were always asking us to see you as a person and not an addict. Jeez what was I thinking 🙁 only in your passing do I see it. Why so late?
I recall how you used to cut up the £25 bag in an attempt to cut down and let us see you could do it.
We need to as a society remove the stigma of a drug addict, it’s more than just a choice, if it were that easy to break away from it, let’s get real there wouldn’t be as many deaths. Andy used to cry in the knowing it would kill him, please who would chose that life…no one. It was agonising for him, he wasn’t a dirty junkie, he was a human being trying every day to break free he DID NOT want that life, he had lost the choice it had hold of him.
There was more to him than being a junkie. He loved helping people and became a well know figure within his community, he had compassion, he was still a human being.
I miss you every day, tears flow, the pain of my guilt rushes through me every day. I know now you would never have voluntarily subjected us to your plight. You always said you hated it’s power.. now in your passing I recognise how powerful it really was.
I hope you are now resting, sleeping without fear, without the knowing that you needed another fix.
no gas, no electricity, no food, no more nice clothes, ostracised from a judgemental society really didnt have a clue, just adding to your internal pain, wanting to escape.
I wish you back everyday and can’t wait till we are together again, so we can really get to know each other, share laughter unconditionally.
I miss you so so much, if only it all were a dream 🙁 X

[cazandyx]

Can’t take no more- Thank you for your generous words.. I wish you happiness and love X

[cazandyx]

Jeez this has to be the toughest part of life’s journey so far. The knowing that you have just gone, suddenly away with no warning.
Had I of known you had starting injecting maybe I could have somehow started preparing but you kept that to yourself because you didn’t want us to worry I guess. The first abscess should have been the warning signs, then the second came untreated.
I don’t know whether it was a twin insight but I knew yr time with us was limited which is why I made sure this Christmas was spent with you. How I hold my head in shame for not spending more time with you, absorbing my thoughts to you being “JUST A JUNKIE”, getting cross because you weren’t taking responsibility and taking control to break free from the drug. I know in my heart you would never have just given up on your daughter, your nieces. But your body was tiring and you were weakening as everyday came and went.
In many ways as you became more entrapped your inner child surfaced more and more as your body weakened.
With the only escape you had being the very thing that would ultimately kill you. But in reality your soul had already been taken as child. One blow after another, physical, emotional on a daily basis. We used to laugh when we spoke about from an early age and our belongings thrown down the communal stairwell, as we were being thrown out of the family home and neighbours harbouring us, thankfully they realised the oddities of our mother and they showed us kindness.
I remember one day I disappeared to have a sneaky bath next door as I was grounded from bathing and showering for disclosing to a relative what was going on, I certainly lived to regret that. The stepfather was on route to eat you, which was why my disappearance was obvious and she used to give me strawberries and cream, and bubble bath, I was I heaven for that short period of time. Even when you returned home for a holiday at that time I wasn’t allowed to talk to you because of what I had done. I got a lift home from school, because I was so excited seeing you and from that day on I had to sprint home because if I could get home for my Nigger brother then I could do it everyday day. You even hated coming home, it wasn’t long before you regretted it and we’re being punished. It’s unbelievable the life we had wasn’t it. I know there was the occasional good day but as we both recalled neither of us remember birthdays or Christmas’s so the good days were far and few between.
We did recall one Christmas when his parents bought us some toys, it wasn’t long after that the fence in the garden got a hole in it, we must have been no more than 5 years old, we were sent out in the freezing cold garden to talk and one of us had to own up to putting the hole in the barbed wire fence, you said you remember taking the blame, I also remembered taking the blame, our punishment was to bring down our Christmas presents that he stood on and broke up and put them in the bin, then we were taken upstairs bent over their bed, we had to remove our clothing and he beat us with his belt, that he ceremoniously removed to beat us, then we were sent to bed, even now that brings tears to my eyes because we didn’t do that and would never had the strength to either. Evil man.
Your bedroom in the house of horrors was always dark, I never real a light on and I only remember a mates being in there. You used to play with soldiers I remember that.
On Sundays we were forced to watch the horse racing and we had to sit on the arms of the sofa and if we didn’t giddy up quick enough he used to kick us of the sofa and we would have to do it again, this was performed every Sunday, we all hated Sundays. He used to whistle down the path and fear would engulf our hole bodies, petrified not to speak or say something out of turn. I know Andy why you wanted to escape and even really some of this it takes me back to the fear, the fear of life that never really left us did it. My fear of the dark is still real and it’s weird how you left me the dog, maybe he is my support in your absence.
I want to tell your story in your memory as I feel you deserve it to be told.
So much opportunity it stripped away from us, because we were born her ‘half cast’ children. Do you remember she used to say she brushed out our afro hair, I wish she still had the combe I’d be a millionaire!
I want you back, I wish we could start again and the outcomes would be so different, we would have had confidante, trust, belief but we were stripped of everything considered normal.
you had some amazing years though, and everything you did you did it the best, always achieving high in sports, which always helped when you had to run away from him. You used to run away so often, it was scary. And yr punishment was always terrifying because I always feared he’d kill you. He hated you so much. Unbelievable what he got away with.
This is so painful, I miss you and I’m so sorry for your agonising journey from start to finish, tear engulf me as I write this but I want your memory heard x I prey you are resting in peace with unconditional love around you x you were an amazing man x

[anarette]

Im so sorry for your loss.Tears came to my eyes because I am now facing my dear husband who is on the road to his grave.I try to get through to him but he is in a world of his own. Now he is still alive I want to hug him and tell him I love him so much but he is not there anymore, just his body.Its like he has already gone .He also had a horrible upbringing ,beaten by his father while his mother encouraging him.He has never got over it.But I hear your words and they’ve touched my heart . Because I know that one day I will feel just like you are right now.Its like reading my future . But you can keep loving him even though he is not with you.You can keep his memories alive in your heart.You can tell your children about him and honour his life .Loving someone is a precious gift and you love deeply. Its just so tragic.I feel for you. xx

[cazandyx]

Tears came down again today, it is very difficult knowing you are gone for good.
Your agonising journey, I judged you didn’t I, I fell into Societies view of your addiction and I lost sight of you.
But I have to say it was hard watching you on that path, and as much as the love I had for you I couldn’t help be cross and at a loss of what to do for the best. The more I helped I knew I was enabling, but now you have passed I would give you my last penny, its wicked how the drug controls so many factors of the jigsaw, its covered every part of the beginning, middle and end of the users , their family, friends life, complete control.
I hated taking you to the dealers houses but then I hated seeing you in pain, it was horrific to watch you crying, screaming, renting, begging, you lost all control to the drug. I question did you have any control? In your passing I recognise it was too powerful for you to ever overcome, yet it is what is expected, what would be a compromise because I do not believe you were treated or judged fairly but then what would have been right. You were stealing from us, manipulating, lying, it was a horrendous journey, you lost absolutely everything, you even lost the desire for love and companionship, the drug became your whole world. I know when on the drug you functioned, you were great, lived a normal functioning life, but your body and mind were driven to have the drug, there became no relief did there. It was a never ending cycle.
In your untimely sudden passing I have reflected and realised that its not a path you would have chosen, I know that in my heart had you have engaged with appropriate supports you may have still been alive.
Even the rehab ward in the hospital let you down, I remember you telling me that you heard a DR say they never come of it and how they treated you made you feel judged and not worthy.
Maybe if society change their perception and focus on the person rather than the addiction, addicts may not feel so detached. If he had one wish I know in my heart he would have wished he never tried it, but its distorts the mind.
I would like to start a campaign to change peoples perception of a drug user, lets start initially by trying to empathise rather than judge and ostracise. Of course we have be to be cautious not to enable but that can be achieved without stigma, leaving the addict wit two hurdles to overcome, the addiction and societies view.
I wish you back everyday and if only tears could wash away your pain and bring you back… Id tell you how much I loved you and Im sorry for the judgements I made, I hated the drug and its influence it had on you, I never stopped loving you x x

[icarus-trust]

It sounds like you could do with someone to talk with who would understand what you are having to deal with – the affects of your mum’s drinking. At The Icarus Trust we offer free support from our experienced trained volunteers called family Friends.
We are a charity set up to help the family and friends of addicts like yourself. Getting in touch might give you reassurance and point you to other help that might be available.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything.

[sianny25]

Hello Aimiee… this sounds just like my mum!!! I can totally relate.. what are we meant to do when they don’t car about themselves and wont get help!?… I keep telling my dad to get my mum sectioned, I don’t know whether this can be done… maybe we can make it sound worse than it is to make them take her?! this is how I feel!!!.. I do actually believe my mum has some sort of personality disorder or some mental disorder as she sometimes repeats things over and over when shes drunk eg ‘please god, please god please please’.. and rocks back and forth! don’t know if anyone can relate to this?

[cazandyx]

In silence you return
It’s then my heart burns
I judged you
I hated you
I lost sight of who you were
You’d gone to a place
that ultimately destroyed you
It took you body and soul
Stripped you
left you bare
No where to go
It took everything, blow by blow
Leaving you know where to go
Death being your only escape
taking you to your stairway to heaven
I felt lost last night when I couldn’t sleep, you creepy in to my thoughts, tragic memories of our childhood stripped from us by two adults who prioritised alcohol and their struggles mental health that maybe impaired their judgements, leaving them with no sense of reality. To beat, abuse, emotionally destroy a human being with no recourse or justice is so unfair. No judgements laid upon them, but Andy was judged, I was judged throughout our lives due to the impact of the wounds they left us to heal.
I will never forgive them, stolen childhood and the final blow was your loss. Unforgivable!
As much as it pains me to accept.. Heroine as much as it was jointly responsible for your untimely death, it eased the wickedness of your childhood.
Miss you everyday, wish you never took it, it never gave you the false mask that eventually took you. Jeez Andy this is so so hard, tears flow, it’s painful. You passed too early 🙁 my only comfort is knowing your agonising journey is over x x x

[cazandyx]

Why? why have you been taken from me, my heart is so heavy and the tears flow uncontrollably because of the unfairness, your untimely passing, such a tragic loss and I miss you so so much.
I have been grieving your loss for years but this is so final, I knew it was coming but I didn’t want it to happen, my dream was always that you’d return and I could get to know you, learn what made you smile, what music you liked, what clothes you liked. I don’t believe a bobble had, tracky bottoms and a big coat was you, Heroine stripped every ounce of your life didn’t it, taking grip of it all, no room for anyone to get in there and help you see the light. A false sense of reality, it made you believe it was your comfort blanket, your healer, your mask, escape from the world that in fact it took you away from, it ostracised you, stole you from you own life.
I know material things in life are all but an illusion but you weren’t, you were real, my brother, apart of my soul, that was robbed from me twice. Once in childhood and then again in adulthood. So tragically, unfairly abused in every way.
I hate the word, the meaning, the outcome of Heroine, its abusive, it has no mercy on anyone, the addict their family, their friends, its like a tornado with no care of human life, emotions, its gonna destroy at what ever level it hits, its either gonna kill, or at the very least it will be destructive, the pain the loss it leaves behind, just moving onto to the next victim.
Why are we conditioned to love, when loss is so painful, why…..what is this all really about?
I miss you Andy, I feel empty, your passing is so wrong, so unfair.

[cazandyx]

It’s hard to put this pain into words, tears flow leaving me speechless, breathless. . for the first time in my life ive no twin to share my today’s with, happiness, my dreams, my anxiety, fear…It’s now just me. I wish you back selfishly every day, I’m sorry x
I wish I could speak to you right now… This pain is unimaginable, never did I expect it to be this horrid.
I know you couldn’t stop it Andy, it took hold of you…It’s has no mercy does it.. It’s taken you and left those around you in heartache and pain.I hate this pain… It’s awful, agonising, I feel so lost Andy..
I don’t want to go home, last year you were with us for Christmas, even though I knew your time with us was limited NEVER did I expect it to be so soon.
Why are we taught to love when loss is this painful!
I know as the addict you felt people had lost faith and hope in you but I never ever did… i hated yr behaviour but never you. It was the drug I hated, how it gave you a false sense of security..then destroyed everything around you before killing you!!
Just one more hug 🙁 so so unfair! 🙁

[franticmum]

hi love,
you have just mirrored my story, Ive had 18 yrs of living this nightmare, some not as bad as others but I can honestly say that through this time even when he had been through detox I have not had total peace of mind, at the moment its sheer hell but like you both I have had enough, my son knows we will be there for him if gives up the drugs but refuse to be part of the life he has chosen, I cant stress enough that our sons have CHOICES !!!! although its hearbreaking thats the sad truth and theres not a thing we can do to change that, Sorry to seem so negative, but there is no easy solution, you must do what you feel is right for you,
take care of yourself love and keep strong
love Sue Xxx

[cant-take-no-more]

Hugs Hunni x

[helenjh]

Of course he blames you it’s easier than admitting it’s his fault! It’s his choice to use …… My son has been an addict since the age of 14 he is 21 this year he has been in and out of rehab and on and off the wagon for both drugs and alcohol

You cannot blame yourself for his choice!

It took me a long time to realise there was nothing I could do except be there for my son and try to help him make better decisions …. Ultimately though it’s up to him

I try not to enable my son – I never give him money no matter what i now try not to buy him things either as I know in the pas he has sold things I’ve bought in order to find his habit

I wish I had the answer for you but sadly I don’t :'(

[rayoflight]

Thank you Helenjh. Its helpful not to feel so alone with it. I appreciate your honesty

[helenjh]

You just have to try and be there for him ….. try not to beat yourself up about it – this is hard and takes time to master – i think part of me will always feel like i failed my son somewhere even though i tried everything i could at one point begging social services to help me when they were sure he was just a little unruly……i hope you can find some peace that this is not your fault

[Author]

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