[curlyc]

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I’m having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

[cal9968]

Dearest CurlyC

I am so sad for you and the loss you have suffered.

Alcoholics are masters at hiding things eg feelings, booze. You were not to know how he was feeling. Addiction is just so powerful and the drink becomes number 1 in the addicts life.

Have you thought about contacting Cruse Bereavement for some support?

Here if you want to chat. Be kind to yourself xxx

[curlyc]

Thank you for your kindness. I think I will try to find a bereavement counsellor as its such a struggle and I miss him so much. xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi CurlyC

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling over the loss of your brother. I feel so sad for you. It is such a hard thing to come to terms with.

May be talking with people who understand what you and your brother have gone through might help you make sense of what’s happened. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which is there to support people dealing with the impact of a loved one’s addiction. If you think it would help to talk with one of our experienced, trained people please get in touch.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Hoping that this is useful Good luck.

[curlyc]

Thank you for your kind words. I will take a look at Icarus Trust.

[icarus-trust]

All the very best to you. I really hope you can find some help and support.

[broostine93]

Hi CurlyC,

I am so awfully sorry about your brother- drinking truly does ruin the lives of the whole family, not just the individual.

My Mum died last year from ‘chronic alcoholism’- she was 51 years old. My family and I had tried everything we could think of to get her to stop drinking.

You never think it will happen to the people you love. When I heard the news that she’d died, I went to her flat and found so many empty bottles of whiskey (that she had clearly been drinking neat)- so I really do understand how you must have felt upon seeing the same kind of thing at your brother’s place.

It is a massive cliche to say this, but you really can’t help people who won’t help themselves. If you are hammering on their door, screaming at them to get help, to stop doing this and promising them that you will do everything/anything to help them, if they’re not ready to help themselves, there’s really nothing that we can do.

As someone who is slightly further along ‘the line of grief’ than yourself, I can tell you that it doesn’t get better- you will never get the answers you’re asking yourself and you will never stop feeling guilty because you think you could have done more. However, I will say that you start learning to live your life for the one you’ve lost- every time you try a new activity or go to a new place or laugh or just generally have a really good day, you think of them and you may be sad for a moment because they weren’t there to enjoy that time with you, but you start to realise that they would be happy that you got to enjoy and do those things.

Life slips back into some sort of ‘normality’- they’re always there, but it goes more towards the back of your mind rather than constantly being at the forefront from the minute you wake up, like it is in the beginning.

I really, really wish the best for you *sending hugs*

[curlyc]

Thank you so much for your reply. Im so sorry for the loss of your mother. It must have been so painful for you but I’m glad to hear that there is a way forward and you’re feeling more at peace. Did you speak to a bereavement counsellor at all?

[broostine93]

Hi CurlyC,

I attended a couple of Cruse group sessions, which I did find helpful.

I tried their One to One counselling sessions, but I personally don’t think they are beneficial for people who have lost someone to addiction. The reason for this is that they only assign six sessions per person and it takes that many sessions to explain everything that led to your loved one’s death. It doesn’t give you chance to deal with everything. That is just my personal experience, though. I’d certainly recommend trying it to see if it helps.

The worst part of losing someone from addiction is not knowing anyone else who has experienced an addicted relative because only these people truly understand how you feel.

I wish you the very best of luck if you decide to try counselling

[louise1974]

Please believe that things get better curly c – because they do but you can’t always see that when grieving and you’ve gone through a horrendous loss it’s hard to imagine how you feel- stay strong and look after yourself x Lou x

[louise1974]

Hi there chic – how are you doing? Lou

[cass1932]

Hi! I can 100% relate to this.

I’ve wrote on tumblr my story about how I watched my dad slowly decline through alcohol and diabetes. I go on to talk about all sorts of health issues, including, grief, struggling at work, even my councillor experience.

I needed a outlet and writing it has been great for this. I start by mentioning me being diagnosed dyslexic. Which is important to the story in regards to confidence I talk about. I thought other people may be able to relate to my story or might even help me make sense of my emotions! Even if it makes someone not feel so alone than that would be nice.

If you or anyone is interested My tumblr blog name is : themindofcass

I Hope your alright

[cass1932]

Also, the blog has to be read from bottom up to follow the story just as a heads up!

I would give you the full url but this forum doesn’t allow that.

Anyway I hope it helps you. I can relate to your feelings just in your short message!

Have a good day

[michelle39]

It’s kind of reassuring to no your not on your own reading everyones post. My brother is 45 & skin & bone & he’s been in hospital after a heart attack & then a stroke over Xmas but still he has continued to drink. How he is a live I don’t no. Now he just says he sticks to his 5 cans but I don’t no. It’s my mum that hurts the most, she has screamed at me in past & called me cold & I should do something to help my brother. I’ve screamed at her back that I don’t no what she wants me to do about it & felt like I was losing my mind. I had my own problems with my partner’s addictions. Of course I’ve told him to stop but I can’t make him. My mum says she would rather die if he goes. The rest of us don’t get a look in coz mum so consumed by worrying about him. To be far she has got a bit better & on mother’s Day he said in front of me mum I choose to be like this. Coz she was saying the whole , can’t you go in somewhere please. The stress & hurt that addicts cause ????

[jbetty122]

Two of my friends lost their dads through alcoholism. Both of them love/loved to drink. One of them went to rehab three years ago abs been sober since. The other one seems to have a bit of control over it, but he definitely drinks most nights in excess My point is addiction is hereditary. Usually it runs in the family. My mum is an non confessed alcoholic, me I Abuse substances and drink and am starting to seek help through these forums. I lie to my loved ones all the time, but the addiction is much stronger than my love for anyone. I can’t really explain it…She is diagnosed with anxiety and takes medication. I should do the same but am too proud to admit I need it. The irony is my pretty normal gf takes meds for anxiety and I’m not sure why. My point I guess I if u need help, go get it. It is a disease. We’re powerless against addiction.

[thelostone]

Hi Curly,

firstly, so sorry for your loss. My brother died of cancer (drink and smoking related cancer). This was not easy to watch and haunts me still. My partner is also addicted to crack, so I have learned a little about addiction. I hope what I write helps you.

An addiction supercedes EVERYTHING else in an addict’s life. Love, family, work, kids.. nothing will be more important to them when they are addicted. When you understand and accept this, you stop hurting and start healing.. you have to learn not to take a person’s addiction personally.. it is not a reflection on you or your family. We all choose our paths and sadly, when an addict chooses theirs, they don’t care who they hurt – the sense of shame and guilt they feel only makes them use more. No amount of blackmail, tears or threats will stop them (unless and until they decide themselves they want to beat it).

You will heal over time and learn to accept it, I am sure. Sending you healing thoughts.

[alxa]

I feel extremely sorry to hear this. Heart breaking story it was but it’s bitter truth of our society now a days. I am telling you with my personal experience when I faced the similar case of my husband 3 months back. But thanks to my childhood friend who suggested me to contact the one nearest Rehab Center which is hardly 5 kms away from my house. My husband’s treatment is going on from there and now quite better than before and hopeful that he will soon become normal as before. I have a humble request to all members If someone is struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, then try to join either in AA course or contact to any addiction center near them and help in saving someone’s life. , if someone around in New York then for reference I am here to share links with the hope that it may helpful for someone

Drug Rehab Centers in NY

[shalanisingh]

Feeling so sad for your suffered, and it makes me sadly again. My father died at his mid forties also from alcoholism. Similar situation with your brother, I can’t understand it also. I found a lot of research, you may interested in this article also: https://docsbay.net/what-makes-alcoholics-drink-research-shows-it-s-more-complex-than-supposed

[hearty]

Hello curly c, I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my husband a few wk ago to alcoholism. Cruse wasn’t really helpful for me. You need someone who truly understands alcoholism, the journey we go through as their loved ones and family and someone who understands we start a recovery ourselves once we have lost our alcoholic. I have approached icarus Trust and have spoken with a lovely lady there twice and I feel she will be able to help me. It’s not limited to 6 sessions. It will be for as long as I need she said. What I learnt during my time with my husband is that the alcoholic feels they wouldn’t live without alcohol. They feel they are the lowest of the low for hurting their loved ones. They feel guilt, anger at themselves for not stopping, but feel they would die without it. Your brother would have loved all of you, because he didn’t stop doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. I believe my husband loved me as much as he was able to. I know he hated himself when he saw me in tears. He tried to get sober twice by going to rehab but relapsed. He had too many demons he couldn’t live with them sober unfortunately. The alcoholic does go into a denial to cope. To live day by day. Please try the icarus Trust see if they can help. I know how heart broken you will be feeling as I am too. I sit some days just thinking, why? Why couldn’t you just stop? That’s all he had to do stop picking up a bottle. Life his so hard. I pray you find the help and support you need. Hugs

[curlyc]

Oh Hearty. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Thank you so much for your kind words especially when you are going through this now and must be feeling so raw. I did go to Cruse and found it helpful but I think more addiction specific help would be better. I had thought of attending Al Anon but I didn’t feel it was right to go and speak of grief. I think its more for relatives trying to cope with current alcoholism. I am now over two years on from my brothers death and at times its still so hard to believe he’s gone. I’ve found some peace in that I’ve accepted that I will never have the answers that I was so desperately looking for at the start. I’ll never know why his wonderful, talented life ended this way and I’ll never know why he didn’t seek help or even admit he had a problem. Life is too hard for some people. I do still wish I could have done more, although I don’t know what that “more” would be. Your words ring so true – that they cant cope with demons when sober. I hope that you have a good circle of friends and family that will get you through this awful time. Please take care of yourself and I wish you love and healing. XX

[henrijohnson]

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