[wdmcwill]

This is a first for me, so here it goes. And yes there will be a lot of eras in my grammar eras.

11 days ago my husband came home and dropped a bomb on me. He had been suspended from his job because they found out he had been drinking on the job and wasn’t performing his job correctly.

But let’s back up a little to get to where I am right now.

Years, and years of telling him he had a problem with drinking. Years and years of im going to stop or im stopping for my family. I’ve been married to this man for 25 years and I’m not sure when he has not drinked. It all was beer at first and maybe on the weekends, he knew when I married him I had a very serious problem with anyone being an alcoholic. My dad was one till I was about 11 and then he stopped cold turkey and did it all to be a better dad and husband. I’m 45 and he has never ever touched it again. Lord knows that man has been through a lot and could have easily turned to it but didn’t.

That’s all I asked, never let it get bad with his drinking and never cheat.

Well years rocked on he drank, my 3 children saw it they begged him to stop, he drank, he would work off and drink so then on his days off he would lay in the bed while they wanted him up and doing stuff with them.

I would b*tch, he would say that’s why he drank because of my b*tching.

Now let me tell you this man has no worries, all he has to do is go to work and come home to 3 awesome kids that I have raised. A wife that has stood with him over and over and took up for him when people would notice that change in his behavior. I have spent my life trying to make all of their lives the best.

But i think it’s finally festered up so much that this, him finally getting caught at work having to go to AA meetings just to keep his job. it’s not healing me. it’s making it so much worse on me.

For one. i’m 2 weeks into recovery from having my thyroid removed. i should have been recovering but nope it was all about him.

Now let me tell you what he has been telling me for years

I AM NOT DRINKING!!!!!! YOUR LYING AND TRYING TO START SH*T!!!!!!

I’VE WORKED A HARD DAY!!!!

I SWEAR I’M NOT DRINKING!!!!!

THOSE ARE OLD CANS AND BOTTLES YOU FIND HIDING AROUND THE YARD, there old and I’m just looking to start crap.

My life has been like this every 3 to 6 months, a melt down from me because of something he did that triggered me to ask him if he was still drinking. After over and over he would tell me NO i’m not.

Me thinking my husband was getting sick or having something go wrong with his brain. He would act so strange at night and forget stuff and just stare out in space. I knew he was drunk , my gut always told me he was drinking. But then my poor heart that loves him would say no, he has begged you to trust him, he has told you over and over he is not drinking.

He does not get that my children who are now 23, 20 and 16 have had to deal with this emotional yo-yo for years. Because their selfish mother wanted to stay with him. I should have left years ago and found happiness again. But then I would think I would love him through it all. One of these days you will have your husband back. One of these days he will finally see that his family is worth fighting for.

So now when HIS pride and joy ( his job) is being at risk, he’s going to change and get help.

Right now he is trying to become a better person. He hasn’t drank in 11 days.

HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM!!!!!

and the blank look at why we are all not happy for helping him is just a shock to me.

HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT EMOTIONAL TOLL HE HAS MADE ON US. THE FIGHTING, LYING AND BETTER THAN ANYONE ATTITUDE, IS JUST TO MUCH.

My days go by now, i wake up early ( i always get up first ) and then i have to beg him to get out of bed before 9.

I put on my makeup, and try to make it a normal day. But I will think about the lies, think about him only doing this for his job. Why did he not get help or stop when we would all be in the living room on our hands and knees begging him to get help or go see a doctor if he wasn’t drinking then we thought something serious was wrong with him.

If you have ever seen your kids beg their dad to stop something that is hurting him and them and their mom so much , it would rip your heart out. These are grown kids crying, pouring out how much they love him into every PLEASE do it for us and that sucker would just look at them and say IM NOT DRINKING.

And then he finally gets caught at work and now he is going to get help.

They are still mad about it, but hopefully this will show them what not to do in their adult life. And not to stay in a relationship if it’s affecting them this much. My heart tells me that I deserve happiness , but my husband begs me not to leave him.

I’m torn. I want to be here when the good parts fall into place. I want the husband I married. I want to help him start over and build a relationship back with his kids. But in his mind everything is ok now that he is in AA.

There’s a ton of other crap I could go on and on about. and i know this story is all over this place. I guess it’s a reflection of me. a freaking basket case that can either cry one min or scream to the top of my lung the next.

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