[nathan-parkinson]

I posted this on my facebook feed last week. I thought I would share.

Time for honesty.

The grief over losing my dear partner after several years together is like I’m going mad… He was my soul mate and my world, I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. For those who knew him you can only agree he was so unique and special. He made me laugh and smile more than anyone on this planet could. 2013 was so bad, 2014 the reality sets in.

The whole situation has been made much worse by his family; arguing in the intensive care unit. Him going missing and just calling me, the constant animosity from the due to lack of acceptance, the bankruptcy, us splitting up, his brother threatening me via email the night before the funeral, his family saying in his eulogy “if he had only met someone special in his life”, the priest at the funeral saying “he went to London to expand his business where he met friends, but ultimately some of them were not”, his mother telling my mum last month not to tell me where his grave is (later blocked my Mum on FB) and the ultimate throwing away of so many of our belongings – it’s a dripping tap and nightmare that wants to make me scream all day long. The fact is we adored each other, we text and called each for a decade, 20 times a day from every single corner of the globe, travelled the world, sang songs, danced around our apartment and cried at looking at each other we adored each other so much. It was a gay relationship but who cares? He was my family.. He was just 37. :(((

Seven stages of grief? It’s a relentless torment that never goes away 24/7. A few close friends let me down massively last year too. Maybe it was too much for them I suppose. We all hide away from trouble – some just hid too well. Grief comes and goes in the strangest ways but for some reason I’ve cried my eyes out every night this week – missing him, the unfairness of it all, the lack of respect and support from his family, so many reminders of him now I’m back in London (I moved back from living abroad 2 months ago), the need to be good and rise above people all the time, moving countries, trying to prove a point, constantly trying, missing friends, settling back into London. Blah blah blah…

Worst is people saying “it will get better” “time will heal”… What if I don’t want it to? Maybe I don’t want to forget! “Be strong and move on”…. Why? For who? The phrases are automatic because people can’t cope with the subject of death.

I normally share so many amazing moments, stories and places. Today my friends, this is me being open, helpless and sad…. (And no I’m not going to kill myself, like some have suggested after I posted this) I have thought it, but I won’t…. I’ve had the worst most inappropriate comments said to me over the past year. “What will you do”, “I feel so sorry for you”, “oh I’m so sorry”…. Well Winston Churchill famously said never ever ever, ever, ever, give up. This week ladies and gentlemen and heart on my sleeve – I’m done.. I suppose you always see me loving life, being so energetic and passionate. Well here’s the reality. The brave face has cracked….

This is a very personal status update – I’ve been thinking for weeks about sharing my true thoughts and the time came. Beats theatre reviews and cat videos. I’m so tired of it all spinning around in my head…… If you find it hard to imagine how I feel, imagine your wife/husband/partner dies – then their wicked family says you meant nothing after a decade of love and throws everything you had away, teddy bears with names included.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel – yes. Problem is, the journey of grief is harder than any words can say. I was going to delete this as soon as I wrote it…. a few of you have messaged me to say “it’s not good to project such stuff on FB” – but why not, part of me wanted to be daring, open and to share. Maybe I’m too honest.. But unlike many of you I have so many friends I love all around the world. Please don’t judge me for being open and honest guys..

It was a bad few days. The ups and downs of life… 2013 is catching up with me it seems.

Grief is the price we pay for love. My world has changed forever…

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