[anonymoustoday2]

Ok so I don’t know where to start but my partner and I have been together for two years. I always knew he did cocaine on the odd occasion with his friends. I was never happy with this and I always expressed my views. There was one night in particular he stayed up with his friends until 11am and I packed my stuff and said I was leaving as I couldn’t do this. That morning he said he would stop as it wasn’t worth losing me. But evwr since then we have slowly gone back into a space where it was just “I wont be up all night this time” “it will only be a little bit” “I enjoy doing it with my friends”. Since that time I have brought it up and he just thinks I am trying to control his life. I have said “you said you would stop or make an effort to” and I just get back ” I only said that to shut you up” etc. Fast forward to years we have a baby together and during my pregnancy he went out with his friends and has taken cocaine. It is a really hard situation for me because he is a truly special man, loyal, trustworthy etc but when it comes to cocaine he never wants to leave a party will let me leave by myself. Now we have a baby I have been more angry about it and l I have bought it to attention that he might have a problem. But he gets angry claims it’s minor says things like “if I was an addict I wouldn’t have money, I only like to do it with my friends, I don’t want to stop” etc he thinks I am trying to control his life. The other day we both went out as we had birthdays to go to. I asked him to not do it but we just agreed to disagree. I ended up meeting him at around 3am and after half an hour of being there I asked him to come home he said he didn’t want to and he was not leaving. I stupidly which I know was unfair but said if you don’t j am breaking up with you. He let me go home by myself and ended up coming in at 8am. I don’t know if I am lying to myself or believing his manipulation that he is not addicted to drugs. My rationale is that he doesn’t do it every day nor does he need it however he can not go out and have drinks without taking drugs or craving them and when he does end up taking them he cannot go home at a decent hour. He also is in his thirties and goes out every four to six weeks. I don’t know what to do. We have a newborn baby and I don’t want him to hate me but I have taken him back once again as when he is not out taking drugs I am in love with him and want him by my side but when he does our relationship is volatile and toxic. If I bring it up he is defensive calls me a policewoman and belittles me and says things like “do you know anything about drugs ” “you sound like an idiot” etc…Please let me know how I should deal with this. There probably so many things I have left out in this thread and I know people are dealing with bigger problems but I really am at my wit’s end and I just feel like it is destroying me. I would appreciate any type of advice or comment thank you xx

[redfox20]

Hi there hope you’re okay. Personally he sounds like he’s addicted but in serious denial. If you have issued serious ultimatums and he’s still stayed out that’s a red flag as addicts will choose the drug over their family partners children jobs everything, it comes out on top and they can only stop if they want to you cannot force them. They also don’t have to use every day to be an addict if they can’t or won’t stop they are addicted, it’s out of their control. He sounds like he isn’t able to as he uses all night long and binging like that tends to lead into being dependent on it. My ex started out the same way now we’re not together me leaving with the kids wasn’t enough he’s still using. Our newborn daughter after two boys wasn’t enough. I would sit him down tell him how you feel and to prove he can stop if he makes excuses to go out doesn’t come home or goes and gets on it without asking you then he’s got a problem. Hope this helps I like you asked this question over a year ago i am much further in now I wish I could say it gets easier but protect yourself have boundaries and don’t enable him. Hope you’re okay xx

[res19]

Hey,

Wanted to reach out as I have been in the same position. My ex of 5 years was a cocaine addict (it didn’t become apparent until around 2 years). He would constantly lie to me about taking it, even when I found evidence.

I would often tell him I would leave him, sometimes I would but within a few days of him saying he will change, I would take it back.

It got to the point where I was miserable, he would leave me on nights out to go pick it up, always had to be the last one standing at parties or on nights out, so I would often end up going home alone. I would beg, plead and insist he get some help, sometimes he would say he would and other times he would argue that he didn’t need to get help as “he didn’t have a problem”.

Around 2 months ago he was out and didn’t come home until 7am and I knew it was because he was on a coke binge. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me and the next day I asked him to move out. He agreed and left, I don’t think he will ever change, as now he can do the drugs without consequences but the relief when you finally let the person go is worth it.

I leant that no matter how much you love a person or give them support or everything you have, it will never be enough if they have an addiction. They have to want to change for themselves.

I would advise leaving him and going on to live a life you owe to yourself, it will be hard and you may have moments where you miss him. However it’s worse to stay and see someone self destruct before your eyes and choose the drugs over you time and time again. Be strong, get support around you and find someone who appreciates you and doesn’t need drugs to enjoy life.

Good luck xx

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