[lucyyyy]

Hi, this is kind of hard for me to write but I think my boyfriend is addicted to cocaine, we met each other online and got pregnant really quickly and unexpectedly, we both used to enjoy a party together before I got pregnant however as soon as I found out, my priorities changed very quickly! I feel completely lost as to what to do, our baby is 11 months old and he will stay up taking cocaine on the weekend and sleep in all day, he’s horrible to be around and becoming extremely paranoid. He’s constantly accusing me of cheating on him and he will look through my phone while I’m asleep to check. He’s started taking cocaine during the week now and on a bad week he can have it every other day. We don’t have the money to spend on this and he’s asking me to help more with bills, I’m unable to do this as I’m on maternity allowance and only get 150 a week, he’s started asking to see receipts to check how much I’m spending on food and electric bills which is absurd and it’s becoming a toxic environment. During lockdown it became really bad and he was drinking and using every day. I’m at a loss for where to go and how to get help. I don’t have any family close to me and o don’t have a car to be able to get anywhere. Does anyone have experience in a similar situation and if so do you have any advice? I don’t want my baby to grow up in this environment at all it’s horrible. He tells me all the time how selfish I am and how I love the sympathy and it’s really starting to get me down. I feel trapped and hopeless

[ash2013]

Oh Lucy, I read your story and could have cried for you.

Everything you say rings true, and reminds me of my past situation. My husband is 18 months clean, but was using on and off (mostly on) for the 12 years we have been together.

You really need to get out of this, I appreciate he is your baby’s father, but he will drive you insane.

After 10 years of torment (the last 5 being the worst) I tried to take my own life. To be fair, i was not actually serious, it was a cry for help, and a way to escape from the drama. He was doing lines of coke while I was led on the floor after taking too many codine and paracetemol. I remember him being nice as pie to the ambulance people, but to me he was so horrible, why did I do something stupid like this? What was I trying to prove? I had to get a £60 taxi home the next day from hospital because he wouldnt collect me and I couldnt tell anyone what had happened, because his drug use was not widely known.

He too was convinced I was cheating, I was not, yet he was.

There is nothing you can say or do to stop him doing coke, coke is the most important thing in his life. If you try to stop him, or give him reason not to do it, you are trying to control him. An addict never sees it as you helping, they see it as you stopping them doing what they want.

If you can leave do, go to parents, please. Your happiness and your childs happiness is the most important thing, and you will end up going mad if you stay and he doesnt want to stop.

Sending love x

[lece13]

Hi Ash

Was reading your comment in regards to your husband now being 18 months clean. What made him start his journey to becoming clean?

I also seen you mentioned he accused you of cheating when it was actually him? Have you been able to move on from this?

I am no longer with my partner he chose cocaine over me and his children. He has battled with his addiction for around 12 years or more. The last 3 – 4 being the worst. He cheated – found out just after Christmas. Something I just can’t get out my head even now when we are not together.

The pain and heartache he has caused and still I wish for him to get better not that he will. The drugs have consumed him now. He is a shadow of himself. He’s been buried alive by the addiction. It’s just sad to live and see how someone can change so much from a drug. Lies, manipulation and unfaithfulness – it’s awful and best to be away from but hard to move on from.

[ash2013]

Hi Lece,

So in order, I’ll reply as best I can.

1. Why did he start the journey to stopping?

Honestly, I think it was probably the fact he was developing a hole inside his nose, regular nosebleeds, it took his health to visibly suffer to stop. His parents dont know anything of his coke use, and I think he knew that if his nose got worse he wouldnt be able to talk it away!

Me being anxious, sad and worried, our child wondering where he was every weekend, and working late all the time, none of that really came into play intially. it did after he started the journey as he had some clarity and he was disgusted with himself.

2. The Cheating.

I have had to compartmentalise this as a symptom of the drug. There is no way in gods earth that he would have gone near the woman clean and sober! Coke addicts gravitate to coke addicts, and they’re more often than not drunk quite a lot, I had to tell myself that it was the coke, the devil on his shoulder. I believe he already feels enough guilt, and me dragging it up is useless. I know he regrets it, and I know what caused him to do it. I have to think like this to move past it.

My husband would have always chosen cocaine over me, he stopped numerous times before, and then started again, but one day when they stop they’ll stop for good right? I’m hoping this is that time.

He is 51, you’d have thought he’d have grown out of it by now!! Lets hope so 🙂

I hope you are happy Lece, and that your children are too, thats the most important thing x

[lece13]

Hi Ash

Thanks for you reply. The children are so confused as they are only little. They are starting to realise that something is not right due to the continuous disappearing acts over the past 2 years. However, they are coming to an age where they are starting to grasp the concept that he is never really going to be around full time. They can sense my worries and stresses which i know is not a good thing, but its hard to control my emotions all the time when they are around. It’s difficult trying to explain things to children when they are of a young age, so I simply tell them that Daddy is not himself at the moment and until he can be a better Dad they wont see him.

At present I’m struggling. I accepted that he was an addict a long time ago and still chose to stay with him and try and support him. Like most it crept up on him. Firstly it was a social thing at weekends then odd times during the week. He then started with a few day blow outs and disappearing acts. He has been in two induced comas due to paranoia – this still has not stopped him.

It has been a long bumpy road which ultimately has led to him having 3 different flats during the course of our 17 year relationship. Each time i have welcomed him back into the family home in the hope he could get clean. He has been to NA, had a sponser and to be honest at times he has really tried to fight his demons but he has never succeeded. The drug always pulls him back.

The past 2 years have been the worst. He has gradually become more dependent on it. He coincides cocaine with gambling and as mentioned earlier I found out he cheated. He was going with another woman for about 5 months!! The whole time he was still stopping at the family home odd nights and even took me away on holiday! The girl in question seems to be a homewrecker i have heard numerous stories about her splitting up families. Seems she likes to take Coke and drink too. He was sorry when i found out and sort of blamed the drugs. I think most of the time when they were together they were snorting and drinking whilst I was at home looking after his kids! There is no excuse for is as when he was meeting her / picking her up he wasn’t high.

Since his infidelity he has never been the same – well to be fair he hasn’t for a while but now he has drifted from his kids, his mam and family (who are aware of his addiction), his close friends and basically just cut himself off. He went 3 weeks without seeing his 3 year old. When he does turn up its all lies that come out of his mouth. At times I cant help but feel sorry for him when i see him. I’m looking at the person i fell in love with, but he is a complete stranger inside. He still asks if i want to go out with him and the kids like a happy family. Its like he cant fully let go and neither can I. Why is this?

I would love nothing more than him to get clean for his kids sake but i don’t see that happening. Its like he has resided to that life. I just wish i could move on from it all!! He is constantly popping up in my head which is doing me no good and when he does show up he tries to act all normal which confuses me even more. That’s the manipulation though.

A lot of people say guilt can sometimes play a role in the continuous misuse as they would rather block out there thoughts by taking the drugs than face the guilt, feelings and emotions when not using – God knows.

Hope you are well and thanks for reading!! Take care x

[enrindaa]

Hi there i really hope you will replay this i really need someone to help me and i see you know more about this. Im 27 years old and i am in a relationship with this boy we have 4 years together but only the last year i desoverd he is taking coke and lately he told me and he says its nothing but he takes it everytime we go out i really love him so much if i would known it early i would leave him but now im totally in love with him he works has a good job he still lives with his family he has a strict dad if he finds out he will probably go mad i dont know for how long he has been taking it he doesn’t want to talk about that evertime i start to talk he goes mad and tells me he can quit and is nothing but lately i think he takes it daily i am in soo much pain i dont know how to help i cant talk to my family and tell them it will break their hart to know im dating someone like this i live in a traditional country this things can even be talked im dying everday he is always coughing his nose bleads sometimes and puking hard sometimes i really dont have any experience i hope you will see this and help me im dying here seems like im alone in this .

All the best for you

[Justin34]

I was taking at weekends then turned to everyday. My ex rent though he’ll she tired everything. My advice give them one chance if they take that chance and turn there self around amazing but if they don’t you Just go though hell the lies and can become dangerous for you you will be the victim in this

[lucyyyy]

Hiya, I’ve recently looked to his mum and our neighbors for help because I don’t know anyone else around here and hit the roof when he saw my messages, his mum came and got me and my daughter but we came back to talk things over and he hasn’t had the conversation with us yet. He doesn’t see an issue with what he’s doing and that sometimes makes me question whether I’m being too dramatic. My parents live abroad but they want me to come out there to them

[ash2013]

I’ve had the same, treat you like crap but you can’t tell anyone what you’re going through because he doesn’t like it. It’s guilt.

Honestly, I’d go to your parents even if it is abroad. Go and be happy. You only get one life, and if you are anything like me, you’re thinking, if only I can fix him, I don’t want him to get worse if I go.

It’s not your fault. He’s not your responsibility, your happiness is paramount. Unless he stops using, you’ll be on this rollercoaster of emotions for too long.

Here anytime you need to talk x

[paul0572]

Hiya,

I couldn’t not write something back after reading your post . I’m currently going through similar with my partner .

What I’ve learned is , they will choose coke over me , you , kids , money for food etc….

The grip of cocaine is somthing really sent from the devil himself .

My advice to you is to get out now . As fast as you can . I am not an addict buy I am a man . No man deservers any woman , especially with a baby . To stick by someone like that . He needs to hit rock bottom to change .

Your words don’t mean a thing to him , just like his words shouldn’t mean a thing to you . Just look at his actions .

Ask your self this , when your little baby grows up . Would you want them to stay in a relationship like this ?

So get out as fast as you can . Don’t listen to the I’ll change , I’ll stop , I’ll delete all the drug dealers number etc….it’s just words that you want to here . But the grip of the addiction that’s hes currently in will take years and professional help to get anywhere near to the person you remember .

If you leaving is his rock bottom then it will make him better . If not at least you know it wasn’t ment to be .

But enjoy your life with your little baby . That’s no life or environment for a little baby ..

I wish you the best of luck , buy honestly get out now or you will be stuck in this loop for years.

You will threaten to leave , he will say he’s gonna stop , he promises this time is different.

Then you catch him again , you threaten to leave and this is the cycle with and addict .

Take care of yourself and your baby . That’s all you have to do

[debc]

Hi Lucyyyy,

So sorry that you are going through this. Living with an addict is hell.

I would listen to all the advice on here and run for the hills while you still can, it will be hard, but a much better life for you and your Baby.

Take care

Dx

[lucyyyy]

I feel super guilty reading all these messages because compared to what everyone else is going through he doesn’t sound too bad, he says he only gets one bag at the weekend and maybe one during the week but he’s losing so much weight it’s crazy, I don’t want to not believe him but he used to never have it in the week and all of a sudden it’s a normal thing, he has a lot of debt and he’s spending a minimum of 30 quid a week on a bag plus more for beer and more on top for weed, o didn’t realize quite how bad his debts were when we first got together and I feel a bit trapped like I don’t want to leave him in such a hard time but he’ll leave bags of coke in his sock draw which our daughter can get to and will leave weed and his rolling stuff on the couch which obviously my baby can reach too, he doesn’t see the problem with any of what he’s doing and I feel like I want to help him but he sees it as me being hateful when it’s the opposite

[ash2013]

Hey Lucy,

Can I ask, and you may have said – how long has this been going on for? Your story may not sound as bad as others, but it may get to the point that it is.

I think what most are saying is that you should get out now, before it gets worse, which if he isn’t admitting to it being a problem, it will.

It got to the stage that my husband was needing to use it to feel normal, not to get high at all. Because his brain reprogrammed to need it more and more. He used it for probably 15 years, for a long time it was just weekends, then one night in the week, then before he knew it it was every other day, and at its worst daily. Its a slippery slope and the problem is that it starts as a bit of fun, the party drug. And for some it remains just that, but for others it does not.

x

[lece13]

Hi Lucy

I have to agree with Ash. It does slowly creep up on them. I’m at the stage I am at now after 12 years of misuse/addiction. It does get worse.

I know people who can control it. In the sense they use at parties or going out with friends and socialising. However, cocaine in my eyes is a devil it takes peoples soles if they are not mentally strong enough to fight it. It sucks the life out of them and buries them deep inside. I never thought cocaine could be so harmful. People always assume heroine is the worst with the physical withdrawals. I often question this as cocaine mentally destroys a person.

I hope your partner does not fall deeper into the trap. My only advice is to get out when you can if you see no change. The stress, upset, trauma and negative effects it will have on your own state of mind is horrendous. I would not wish my predicament and that of those on this forum on anyone.

Take Care x

[paul0572]

Hiya , just wondering what makes you push people away who are trying to help you and love you. My partner and I have split up now cos I told her family about her addiction and she’s blamed it on our relationship! Wasn’t an issues until I told everyone about her addiction ? Yet she still tells me she wants to get back together but doesn’t know how to tell her family

[lece13]

Hi Paul

Sorry, I am confused what do you mean what makes me push people away?

[paul0572]

Sorry I thought you had been an addict . So I was just asking why addicts push people away and hurt them so much when all we do is care

[lece13]

I thought you may have assumed that – it’s my ex partner who is the addict.

I’ve asked myself that question for many many years and still no straight answer.

What I have learnt is;

1. Sometimes they don’t want your help the drug is the only thing they desire. They have got to want to be clean in order to accept your help and not push you away

2. Their feelings are suppressed due to the misuse, leaving them with little to none emotions, empathy and understanding of what you are saying, doing and trying to help them with. I could cry tears, scream and shout and still my ex would have ne emotion or reaction to the situation. He would just stare blankly at me.

3. Anger and aggression from the come down is taken out on those close to them regardless if you are trying to help. They need to take their frustration out on someone and its always the ones who try to support them.

4. The love for the drug comes before everything – their kids, family, true friends, work, bills etc.

5. They will lie, manipulate and are deceitful

The main thing that I have established is that being in love with an addict can be one of the most loneliest places in the world. If I knew what I know now I would have walked away years ago before I got in to deep and had children.

Wishing you well and hope you are doing ok

[paul0572]

Thank you for you explanation.

Yeah I’m ok , I’m just sick of being let down by her .

I had a message off her on Friday night saying how she’s made the biggest mistake of her life and she wants us to get back together and she wants to get help etc……

So I thought brilliant finally!

She was staying in her grandmothers house . So she said right I’m off to bed now I will see you tomorrow .

That following morning I woke up to a phone call from a rehab center . She gave them my number as she couldn’t remember hers as she’s had a new phone . So I asked the lady on the phone , what time did she request the info . The lady said 5am this morning .

So straight away I know she had been using . Buy I think why lie about where you are as it’s no secret to me that you use .

1 hour later she phones me and wants me to pick her up from her friends !

She tells me how bad she still is on coke and how much she owes and she wants to change etc….

Came home with me and she slept for 24 hours !

Woke up Sunday and she didn’t want any help and I’m the most horrible person she’s ever met .

Really had to take and to be picked up and dropped straight back down

[redfox20]

They do this because there are ashamed because of the hurt they have caused us that’s what I think it’s not personal to us it’s them. They want to hide the destruction and chaos their lives have now become.

[paul0572]

Is there any way out for them ? As I’ve told her she needs to tell her family the real truth why we split up if we are gonna get back together . And she needs professional help …but to me it seems she’s just given up on life …she says she’s doing my favour and I need to get as far away from her as possible

[redfox20]

There is when they have reached their deepest and darkest despair then they will reach out, some don’t and sadly death is the only way out. Rock bottom is different for all addicts some don’t have a rock bottom. Gp is best place to start but many do it without help or use AA or CA. I genuinely think they keep you away to not hurt you even though as we all know on here it causes more pain as we love them. My ex said before I kept away from you and the kids because I was no use to you all and I let you down. This was when he was drinking may I add so maybe they so open up more when under the influence but communicating is key to recovery and getting help so if they lack that it’s just a vicious cycle. We are powerless only they can change it took me a long time to accept this.

[lucyyyy]

Hiya,

He’s been using on and off but mostly on since he was maybe 18 and he’s 32 now, we’ve been together for almost 2 years and I’ve seen it become more frequent in that time, I guess I was hoping once baby arrived he’d want to change but if anything it’s gone the other way

[lece13]

Sorry to hear this. Well there’s the lies and manipulation! My ex pretended he was going to have an early night and stay at my dad’s to get a good night sleep for work, but would end up using. I dont understand why she has phoned the rehab clinic? Is this something she does when using coke. Is it a guilt thing where she over thinks when high wanting help but then when she crashes she’s not interested.

The anger is part of the come down. I would say don’t take it personally but you do. Your the person that she sees in her way when she comes round from the drug. Basically she can’t be bothered with the lecture or to discuss what’s happened so she snaps instead. I would say your lucky to still be getting a reaction. It doesn’t feel that way at the time, but when they stop reacting you know then they are completely consumed and just don’t care about anything anymore.

It is an awful rollercoaster to be on. Up and down, highs and lows, constantly questioning things in your head. Some days I have felt mentally drained through it where I have had no motivation whatsoever.

You will never really understand an addict and what goes on in their mind. I have spent years questioning things and still no real answers.

You need to look after yourself, put yourself first, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I spent years trying to make my ex better through trying to help and support him and in the end I’ve lost myself whilst making myself ill. Don’t let that happen to you. Stay strong

[paul0572]

Yeah when ever she is using , it’s like the old person is back .

She understands what she’s doing is wrong . She understands what she has to do to change . She understands how good I’ve been to her .

Then when it wears off , she back to the vilest person you’ve ever met and she wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire !

[emjay]

Hey.

Reading your story is just the start, if you chose to stay.

You have to focus on you and your baby. Go to your parents, even if it’s for a break, some support and for him to have a reality check.

My husband is a coke addict… I’ve been subjected to his addiction for over a decade. He has months of being clean… but always goes back to it.

I’m not going to bang on about my experience, feel free to read my post. This is about you!

The advice I will give you is addiction is a circle of destruction for the addict and their loved ones. One of you has to break the circle.

Cocaine there is no substitute medication for. Its down to the user, their will power and desire to be clean.

You can never fix him.

Cocaine wins pretty much all the time over family.

If you want to support him do it from a distance or be prepared for a roller coaster.

There are people who fully recover from coke addiction, but they have to be ready, want it and committed.

Good luck xx

[debc]

Hi Emjay,

Very wise words, I hope Lucyyy takes on board all of these comments that are on this thread.

I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), although doing well at the moment, you are just waiting for the next relapse.

Having lived with it for 10+ years, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

This Forum is brilliant and so glad that I found it when I did.

Thinking of you all on this very difficult journey.

Dx

[paul0572]

My ex partner came home tonight . I asked her why is it when she’s on coke does she say how much she’s loves me and she wants rehab . But a day later she won’t even talk about it .

She basically said when it’s in her system , she feels normal again and she can think clearly without a distorted vision .

When it’s run out and shes craving it again , there’s nothing she wants more than to get some and everything and anything makes her angry.

She said she wish she could stop the thoughts of this little devil inside her head , but she said he just keeps on and on at her about getting it .

It’s really scary if you think about it !

She said she doesn’t really Want to stop taking it as she’s scared of the effect it’s gonna have on her mental health and she’s had 2 bad break downs before . Shes currently using 3 to 4 grams a week .

So I said this is gonna be you for the rest of your life then ? She said she doesn’t want that but she can’t stop .

I think I understand it all now and I understand she will end up in a very bad place .

I think my time is up now

Now she’s just taken 2 diazepam and she’s sleeping .

[paul0572]

What a life !

[paul0572]

She woke up today and I had to phone work for her as she’s been working for home (her nans) . But was suppose to be back in the office today but she was shaking about going , so I had to phone work for her and ask them if she could work from home the rest of the week . She took 2 diazepam then went off to work at her nans …it’s like she needs any type of drug just to keep going

[redfox20]

I would let her face the consequences and phone in herself as enabling doesn’t help I know you’re a nice guy and that’s what you want to do is help but she needs to face reality of what she’s doing. Will she work from home is she able she sounds in a bad way does she suffer from anxiety?

[paul0572]

Yeah she’s be diagnosed with major depression , anxiety and bpd , from child hood trauma . Then after she was off work for 7 months and I had to keep everything going and paid for , she finally went back to work .

About a month later she tried coke off a friend , then gradually got addicted to it and that’s been the last 2 years of my life

[ash2013]

Oh Paul, sounds awful for you. My husband was using coke and diazepam, I know what you are going through.

Redfox is right, its guilt pure and simple. She does need professional help, but until she’s ready to accept it, the thought of it probably terrifies her. The existence she has at the moment she thinks is acceptable, she can function to an extent.

Do her family not know? My husbands dont/didnt, but they must see the difference now that he’s clean. They probably wouldnt have ever thought drugs, but they may have thought drink.

You need to look after yourself, she is not your problem, you didnt get her into this, and you can’t get her out of it. She has to want to, and i’m not sure shes there yet.

Take care of you.

[paul0572]

Well I told her mum and dad last year and they said they would help , but there help was a phone call once a week . Basically her issues have come from her mum and dad not being there for her and not loving her .

So I told them all again about a month ago and her grandparents , as they are basically her mum and dad .

She turned it round on me saying she’s only done it once or twice and I’m over exaggerating and she’s only done it because of a way out of our toxic relationship …even tho we were engaged and very happy before the coke started .

So her family have pushed us to sell the house and split up . She’s living in her nans but she comes here quiet often cos she says she misses me .

She was using on Friday night and wanted us to sell the house and find somewhere together and she’s saying she wants to get married and have a baby . But she doesn’t know how to explain getting back together to her family …as shes told them I’m controlling etc….

I just don’t know what she wants anymore and everything I think I’m getting some where , the following day she will be dead nasty to Me and disappear for the night to her nans or her friends .

Then yesterday I didn’t answer the phone to her cos I signed up at s gym and she had a right go at me saying am I getting fit for a new girlfriend and have I fallen out of love with her ….

Thing is it’s her that never shows Me any love or puts me above coke or friends …

Then she sees her arse if I miss a phone call of her !

I just don’t understand anything anymore , this is a girl who I’ve spent 10 years with and know I don’t even know her ….

[ash2013]

And theres the paranoia. Why can’t you join a gym and keep fit for you, its not always for someone elses benefit.

Honestly, you are better off out of this toxic situation. You sound like a good guy and you’re getting taken for a ride. Ask yourself one thing – what are YOU getting from this relationship, what have you got from it in the last 6 months. I suspect the answer is not much, and you deserve better.

It sounds like you have done plenty to help and support her over the years, now its time to move on. Don’t worry about what she’s told people about you, you know the truth 🙂

I once didn’t answer the phone because I was at a company customer event, in a keynote speech, and I had 46 missed calls in 5 minutes, all because our daughter had been sick. I was 2 hours from home. Why wasnt I answering, what was I doing that was so important…. it does not get any better until she’s clean.

[paul0572]

I have had nothing for this relationship from that last 18 months , apart from lies, manipulation , blame put on me . I know what I should do I really do . It’s just hard when you love who they used to be and when you see them crying for help but a day later they don’t want help.

[redfox20]

It really is hard Paul but I promise you once you pull away it will be hard at first you will get good and bad days you will go go back and forth with your decision but in time you will heal and you will be happy again for you, make your own happiness. In time you will heal and hopefully find someone who truly loves you and appreciates you. Mentally she has a lot on cocaine makes the sanest person mentally ill so with her mental health problems i can imagine she feels scared there is no medication detox for cocaine only therapy mainly cbt it’s all in the mind and having the will to stop.

[paul0572]

When she had a mental health breakdown before she started taking coke . It was that bad we were in the hospital in a private room and she was actually pulling lumps of her hair out crying she wants to die ….

That’s why I think she does coke cos like you say it gives her a half decent standard of living compared to that .

But if she ever does come off this devil’s drug , there no saying how bad it’s gonna be . But I know it’s gonna be bad ….

[paul0572]

Do you actually think she feels guilty about things and that makes her use more ?

[ash2013]

Its a chicken and egg situation. Its either the guilt or its the excuse.

[ash2013]

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I get that you love her, but her actions should not define you, zapp the life out of you, make you feel like you’re treading on egg shells etc etc.

Hand the responsibility over to her family and let them deal with it. You need to take control back, its lucky you don’t have kids.

Believe in yourself, and have some self worth. You are better and deserve better than this chaotic life, none of which is down to you. 🙂

[ash2013]

It sounds awful and she obviously needs help, but you can’t help her when she’s like this. She needs professional help, someone who is detached from her and knows what they are doing.

Coke is only going to make her issues even worse, it messes with the neurotransmitters in your brain, and if she already had mental health issues this will be even worse.

I’d go so far as to suggest that she needs sectioning, please get some professional advice yourself. Icarus are really good 🙂

[tillyxoxo]

Hello Lucy, I hope you are ok and am always here if you want to talk.

I hate hearing what other woman are also going through.

I’ve never posted on something like this but feel I need to speak to others who are also going through the same thing or even for some advice. Hopefully we can support eachother.

My partner has a cocanie addiction I believe, I think it has got really bad which now has caused me to leave him.

From growing up with a bad gear addict father I can notice this from a mile of and I understand that lying and cheating comes with it.

Within a year my partner has completed changed as a person he would sit up every night and get on it or go out and not even come home at all. Although he will deny having any problem or even doing it but I’m far from stupid.

He’s now a compulsive liar, paranoid and completely nasty to me.

I was pregnant for a while and actually planned to keep our baby although he made the environment so toxic i had to make a heartbreaking decision to abort my baby, he didn’t support me through any of this and refused to see me just 2 days after this I caught him with another woman in my own home.

Me and my partner are only 21 years old and unfortunately I know that this is only the beginning of his addiction.

I have left him and moved back to my mums, I refuse to answer any of his phone calls and do not want to see him.

Please can someone tell me if this is the right thing to do. I want him to get help now before it’s to late but I also don’t want to live a life of hell?

[mammyessex]

Hi to everyone in this journey of hell , Paul I’m like you with my husband been married 24 years he’s just a different person now these last few months have been torture the coke is the devil I’ve got ptsd off the trauma of it all , he blames me constantly they are transferring there guilt on to us , look up codependency I got the bill massively on this , I love and adore my husband but he’s not going to ever be that man again unfollowed, this new man has no money for our kids no food for our children it’s just heartbreaking x. To the young girls on here honestly get out while you can they don’t change unless they want to and even then relapses are part of it , run don’t look back x

[ceecee]

Hi.

Is anyone still on here that has been discussing this?

I just stumbled on this tonight and I’d love to be able to talk to someone.

I have being seeing someone for just over 6 months who uses Coke regularly (most days). Before I met him I probably did it once a month, but it’s been getting more and more often, and I’m worried I’m not being clear in my thighs because I enjoy it, and I also don’t donut as often as him.

He has very volatile mood swings and can be quite mean and unpleasant, and I am wondering is it the Coke or is it just him?

I’m also wondering if I have it 1/2 times a week and look forward to it then is it a slippery slope for me?

I think my (very few who know) friends are worried about me.

I’m trying to be sensible and I don’t want to go down a road that I can’t reverse down, but I also don’t feel I’m that bad. Does anyone have any advice, ideally someone who might have been here where I seem to have ended up.

Not that it matters, and no judgment, but I have a professional job, own my own house, and from the outside appear to be totally together and respectable. Anyone?

[ceecee]

Hi.

Is anyone still on here that has been discussing this?

I just stumbled on this tonight and I’d love to be able to talk to someone.

I have being seeing someone for just over 6 months who uses Coke regularly (most days). Before I met him I probably did it once a month, but it’s been getting more and more often, and I’m worried I’m not being clear in my thighs because I enjoy it, and I also don’t do it half as often as him.

He has very volatile mood swings and can be quite mean and unpleasant, and I am wondering is it the Coke or is it just him?

I’m thinking I should maybe cut all ties.

The reason?

I’m also wondering if I have it 1/2 times a week and look forward to it then is it a slippery slope for me?

I think my (very few who know) friends are worried about me.

I’m trying to be sensible and I don’t want to go down a road that I can’t reverse down, but I also don’t feel I’m that bad. Does anyone have any advice, ideally someone who might have been here where I seem to have ended up.

Not that it matters, and no judgment, but I have a professional job, own my own house, and from the outside appear to be totally together and respectable. Anyone?

[ceecee]

Hi, me again.

I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have posted this here, it’s him I’m worried about really, but I also realise I am not helping the problem by letting myself be dragged in. This probably isn’t the best forum to ask advice from.

Certainly not wishing to offend anyone or sound like I condone my actions or anyone else in my situation.

I’ve been Googling quite a lot lately, this is the first time I’ve commented on anything, but reading your experiences and heartaches has really struck home with me.

Best wishes to all of you, and again, I apologise for posting on here and that it may offend and be inappropriate for this forum.

Clare

[ceecee]

Hi, me again.

I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have posted this here, it’s him I’m worried about really, but I also realise I am not helping the problem by letting myself be dragged in. This probably isn’t the best forum to ask advice from.

Certainly not wishing to offend anyone or sound like I condone my actions or anyone else in my situation.

I’ve been Googling quite a lot lately, this is the first time I’ve commented on anything, but reading your experiences and heartaches has really struck home with me.

Best wishes to all of you, and again, I apologise for posting on here and that it may offend and be inappropriate for this forum.

Clare

[lucyyyy]

Hiya,

From my experience his mood swings and aggression will be a mixture of him and the coke but it’s certainly not going to get any better, you can spend your life trying to justify and explain away their behaviour but is that honestly the life you would like for yourself? Because this is the absolute best it will be, it is very unlikely to improve and will more than likely get worse. I’ve left the situation I was in and I am now so much better off, my little girl is thriving and we are both happy.

I will admit that I had started using again with him, I enjoyed it while I was on it but would regret it the day after, I realise now that it wasn’t really the coke I liked but that I thought he was trying to make a connection again I’ve later learned that addicts don’t like to use alone and will try to convince those around them to use to, in my experience that’s been so they can later justify the behaviour.

In terms of your use, if you’re having doubts I would say listen to your gut 100% before I had my daughter I was exa tly like you and didn’t feel I was bad at all, looking back now it was getting worse and worse and would of sent me down a not nice road. You’ve already said that your use has increased since you’ve been with him, I think you know in your gut how you truly feel but it can be hard to listen to sometimes.

If you need somebody to talk to I am more than happy to be here for you

Stay strong and listen to your gut x

[lauradee09]

Hi everyone this is something I never thought I would find myself doing !! About 4 months ago I met what I thought was the man of my dreams after taking some 4 years to get over my last relationship we clicked immediately and he regularly began staying over which very quickly moved into basically moving in .

One day he takes his 2 elder children to London as they had a family funeral I was expecting him back mid afternoon . All throughout the day he’s giving me updates and that he won’t be long etc this went on long into the night with I’ll be 15 mins , I’m on way ..he never arrived .I was sick to my stomach I thought he might have had a car crash .later the following day I hear from his mum who says he arrived at her house at 1am off his face I was furious I ended it I am dead against drugs and was furious he just didn’t care .anyway silly me accepted his I’ll never use again promise and we carried on .ever since I have been suspicious .he would regularly go out for a cigarette and sometimes be gone for quite a while I started watching my ring door bell . You can see that on occasion a car is parked around the corner and is flashing his lights he then goes around the corner and goes back to his car . I looked in his car and found empty cocaine bags I was devastated I confontred him and initially he lied but eventually admitted he’d been doing it to block things out of his head .I have given this guy everything he had no stable home of his own I gave him this provided food washed his clothes and ge wasn’t really contributing financially .on top of this I found he had Also messaged another woman . I am just really struggling to understand why ge has done this he had the works at his feet and a chance to move on and he’s doing this ?? I’ve had to kick him out the week before Christmas and I feel terrible any advice grateful I really feel for all of you in similar situations

xx

[kulstar]

LauraDee, why do you feel bad? You gave him another chance and he simply disregarded it. Sounds like someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility or change at all. I’m a recovering addict btw so am all too familiar with this process. You shouldn’t feel terrible, trust me, you don’t want an addict in your life who continually nods his head in agreement then picks up hours later. He’s clearly chosen his path for now and if you meant anything he’d comeback with a refreshed attitude. If he doesn’t you have your answer.

Sounds to me as if you rescued him from the depths of despair and this is how he repays you? Good on you for taking decisive action, regardless of Xmas or not. No event in the calendar is worth sacrificing your happiness for or not taking action unless that event will change that individual for the good

[lauradee09]

I think it’s because of the time of year and he has nothing he was having it delivered to my house around the corner he would tell me he was going out for a cigarette and I quickly clocked on to what he was up to he is 43 and he had told me he used to do it am I naive in thinking he can stop? I’ve told him he needs to get help but I’m worried he’s so used to using to block things out that he just won’t be able . The messaging another woman aswell is just so hurtful I honestly have done nothing but give him everything the thing that sounds different here to others stories Is he’s not blamed me once he accepts it’s all his fault wtc however he does keep begging for me to take him back why should I? He really is such a nice guy too he doesn’t sound as addicted as others sound on this thread however he is still choosing to use it over everything else I appreciate your comments aswell thank you

[kulstar]

Your heart will tell you he has nothing but your brain will tell you he had it all but chose cocaine. You’re not naive in thinking he can stop, he can if he really wants too. Sad thing with cocaine is the pull is so strong it hijacks your nervous system and then takes a grip psychologically making you think you need it to function.

He’s used to blocking things out because he can’t face the truth. He needs to find the courage within to break himself free from the prison of addiction. Have you noticed this is all about him and not about you providing support? My change came when I decided enough was enough and that I had to change. The consequences of losing my wifey and having limited access to my lovely children (which I hadn’t factored in) completley got me in the end. It had too as the alternative was a life without these blessings in my life. To lose all this because of my addiction? Something had to give.

Messaging other women, well that’s the drug and beast within enticing you to go there. You know full well that nothing will come of it but the beast says it’s worth a shot pal, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain when the truth is completely the opposite. You’ve got everything to lose and nothing to gain, this highlights the hi-jacking nature of the drug.

You can take him back on the proviso he seeks help. You’ll know if he’s serious if he accepts he has a problem and takes responsibility to take decisive action to move forward.

Your comment around he doesn’t sound as a addicted as others sound on this thread is sadly misplaced. You don’t know the full extent of his addiction as addicts have an art of manipulation and creating illusions. Also many addicts start of lightly addicted (whatever that means) which then moves gears pretty quickly to becoming reliant on it to function.

I’d say all addicts are great within however have lost their way and need that internal shift to happen for a better tomorrow.

[lauradee09]

I really appreciate your side of thinking as it’s not something I’ve ever experienced myself so I just don’t understand . Sadly I believe he is still in denial he tells me he has an appointment tomo afternoon to sort himself out but looking back at his past relationships (4 children by 3 different mums 2 of the mums won’t allow contact but I don’t know the reasons why ???
it kind of stinks that this has happened before .and if he couldn’t do it for his marriage or children why would he do it for me when we’ve only been together 4 months .

I really want him to get help if I didn’t have a 14 year old at home I’d help him but I can’t risk having him around .
he has been begging me back for the past few days but I just don’t believe it’s actually for me it’s for what I provided nice warm home hot food and now I see I was unknowingly enabling him but not asking for financial contribution or any questions

[mazza2901]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted some confirmation to leave. I am 43 have a grown up son and have been with my partner for two years. When he didn’t live with me he would not answer his phone to me in the evening and would say he had an early night etc but this was all lies. He moved in with me and gave up his flat as he was here most of the time. I work hard and long hours but he drifts from job to job and whenever he gets money it goes up his nose. Last week he had money in the bank for his kids who are not mine thank god as then I would be really stuck. He spent the money and got paid four hundred pound after 12.00pm last night I woke up to go to the loo and he was gone still not back. He was supposed to give me money for Christmas food shopping but he will have spent that now. I was actually in tears last night I was so tired works been hectic and I am on probationary period so haven’t had any time off in three months and have been working weekends too while this joker sits at home and every time he gets a penny sniffs it. I know exactly what I need to do it he has no where to go I am so unhappy

[lauradee09]

Hey Mazza

 

god I feel for you I really do I have just made the decision to ask my bf to leave because of his cocaine use and cheating it’s so so hard especially this time of year as I now know he will be on his own Christmas Day but for me it’s the disrespect of it all .they need help we cannot save them .I’ve realised that in a way we are enabling them by providing them with a home food and working etc whilst they have spare cash to shove up their nose and don’t contribute to the household because that is the most important thing to them sadly . No one can tell you what to do but know that it will likely get worse for you if you stay and until he hits rock bottom he will do nothing to help himself it’s kind of tough love I guess .have you given him ultimatums? Offered to get him

help? I have done both hoping he’s going to get the help .I am struggling with the guilt of him being on his own at Christmas but we didn’t cause this , good luck with whatever you decide to do focus on yourself  xx

[steff07116]

Hi guys ,

so I found this thread today and I been needing help. My boyfriend was an addict for 4 years we been dating for 3 years and had our daughter almost in the first year of dating , during this time I didn’t know he was using I only found out about the using last year in February 2022 , I was crushed and didn’t know what to feel . I had a mental breakdown and at one point wanted to just end my life because it was too much to bare. I found out he has cheated on me with two women from the pool hall and he said he was sorry that he regretted it but I couldn’t believe it . I still can’t. He was hanging out with them 4 days before it happened so to me that’s pre-planned. I can’t believe that it was just the drug that was taken over him to do such a thing. He said he only slept with one once and the other twice but it’s strange to me. Also, he was going to massage happy ending places getting nurus which is pretty disgusting and he was doing that for a full year during that year I wasn’t able to work because I was with my daughter and he was working paying the bills & it got so bad he burnt through 24,000 in a year on cocaine and massage places . He was using every day and would go through one bag of $100 a day . It got so bad that he started asking me to help pay rent and I was so clueless this whole time that he was an addict and so I had money saved and helped pay Rent on two occasions. We barely had enough food in the fridge and I still didn’t get why he didn’t want to come home why he was out all day and would only come occasionally. I was pregnant while this was happening I thought maybe he is going through a lot because  he had just lost a house he had because he couldn’t afford the payments. His family didn’t like me and they were giving him pressure about leaving me. So I thought maybe he is dealing with it by being away but he would always drink everyday so I thought that was weird . So when I found out about the cocaine it was because he had bags of it hidden in the apartment. I confronted him and he came clean that he was using said he would stop he stoped for 3 days and went back to it. I didn’t know about the cheating yet. Then a month later I didn’t feel right my intuition was telling me there was more so I asked for his bank account info and there was all the charges from the massage places. Pretty disgusting  I also told him that I had a friend who was searching through his phone and that’s when he came clean about the cheating with the girls at the pool hall plus I saw he had  purchased a hotel room one night & I remember that night because he didn’t come home & he turned off his cell phone.  After I found that out I didn’t know what to do I love him so I decided to give him a chance he went to rehab but he went because he was scared to lose me yet I knew it wouldn’t work if he didn’t go for himself sure enough he came out and about three weeks later he went to pick up cocaine. I was about done with him at that point yet I felt like my daughter deserved to be around his dad if he was capable of getting sober. I think he hit rock bottom when he no longer had any money and I wasn’t going to give him any. He changed he has been sober for almost a year in June he will be a year.
he changed he become really supportive towards me and his daughter he comes home everyday but I struggle with the cheating , I struggle with knowing that other women touched him & he touched them .  It breaks my heart and I don’t buy it that it was just the drugs doing that ? I don’t know its hard believe. I feel I have ptsd from everything the drug addiction, the cheating, the lies , and man it’s so hard to believe him even if he changed has anyone gone through this? I just feel like I’m alone. Maybe I just need to leave. I don’t know , I’m not even in the financial situation to leave. I feel stuck. I don’t have family either that I could stay with so I really feel alone.

[ifonly]

Just read your post and can relate to what you have been going through I’ve been on the site on off for few years sadly with the same old story husband of 22 years an addict to cocaine I’ve had those debts and collectors long time ago now damaged my credit report and with no previous renting I’ve been sat on council for 5 years as homeless at home.I had my own business he worked with me but he was taking everything when he got out of bed I couldn’t keep going so I got a job and closed it down which he hates but I’m still there with a hope to eventually pass for a mortgage of my own .I’ve just got to my 6 year so bad debts have started coming off credit file which is a relief and I made a point of having all utilities and bills in my name paid to date I’ve never given him a penny in the last 6 years learnt hard way and it is hard the manipulation he used saw me withdraw from family and friends he’d say they had been talking about me and agree with him that I had issues I believed him and the horrible things he says or calls me you think he’s done his worst but no another shocker.

My husband has never been involved with anyone else.he is cheating on me though when he goes upstairs to sniff every night I can’t win coming second best I actually caught him last night because he thinks he’s hiding it he knows he has a problem but won’t stop for me I’ve been taking pictures showing his coke so he can’t deny call me a liar to me this is cheating.

I would give anything to have him sober like you’re other half I don’t see it happening For me.

I’m glad your partner has been sober for you and your baby and he’s helping more.trust is hard when it’s been broken have you spoken to him about it since he’s been sober or just when you found out ?
try explaining yes he’s doing really good staying sober and things are better but that your struggling with the broken trust you had?
Hopefully it could clear the air with a sober more honest response to show remorse and help you move on.

wishing you well.

 

 

 

[steff07116]

Hi, if only.
Reading your story makes me sad. I feel that , that’s really bad. It seems you been barely surviving and once you get through something you got another thing to worry about. 22 years is a long time , his body probably needs it to just be normal by this time.

As sad as this sounds and it will sound horrible but I would have much preferred to have been with an addict who didn’t cheat.

You are right that he is choosing doing cocaine over you every single time he uses. I’m sure in his eyes he things it’s just a way to survive. His mind no longer is able to make decisions from all the years of cocaine abuse. I feel for you I really do.  I couldn’t imagine being in your position. You are strong person!
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes , we have spoken about it but honestly he has so many versions of what happened that I can’t trust what he says anymore. One minute he is saying he did this and this is why and the next he is saying something different and by the end of it , he says it’s a blurr to me but then he says I can remember what I did. To me that’s not someone who is ever going to take responsibility for what they did. He says he cheated because they made him feel good so after the drugs that part doesn’t go away, any person can say something to him and he would just run off to cheat. To me I feel that you can’t repair that? Also , he says with the massages that he liked them and the variety of the women he got so to me that is also a sign that it can happen he can go into those massage places anytime. I think being cheated on is something you can’t forgive it’s different than having someone be an addict. Drugs don’t make someone cheat and your husband is proof of that , I just feel stuck right now and I have also isolated from family and friends. I feel unhappy with this life. He is a constant reminder of why I can’t move forward. I feel I’m on the verge of just leaving this man.

</p>
thank you for replying to me. I hope your husband does become sober for you. I hope he finds it in himself to do so before it is too late. Wishing you happiness.

[vaa124]

Hi everyone. I never in my life wrote on anything like this but I think I just need to let everything out and this feels like a safe place after reading everyone’s stories. I’m so sorry that everyone had or has been dealing with someone addicted to cocaine. The experience is very sad and draining. I’ve met my boyfriend 7 years ago. He cheated on me like crazy the first 4 years, I don’t know what I thought I can change but I felt like I did change him a bit. He used to do cocaine pretty much daily. He now uses here and there when he can. Mostly when friends decide to come over for football or an event. Now this is where it gets rough. When he does cocaine he becomes very violent, within the 7 years I can’t count how many times he hit me. The first time he hit me was smacking me upside the head on Mother’s Day in 2017. That same year in august we went to go watch a fight at a bar and of course he was on drugs and drinking and thought I was flirting with the security guard while I was line for the restroom. I came out of the restroom and didn’t see him or his brother. Mind you that we were in a whole different city. We got back to the hotel and he accused me of cheating and I walked out of the hotel room and went to the lobby. I wrote my sister asking her to get me but he came down and told me to go up to the room that he will take me home in the morning when he sobered up. I went back up and he took my phone from me and started accusing me of cheating again. His brother and his brothers friend were in the hotel room as well. He then started hitting me so bad he busted the inside of my lip…I was leaking blood everywhere with no phone and no where to go. I thought I was going to die. I was so scared I kept looking at the door thinking I can just run out. The brother stood in front of me and I had my hands over my mouth and my boyfriend kept upper cutting me. Things cooled down and I had no choice but to just try to sleep. In the car the next morning he told me he was sorry and it will never happen again. I didn’t talk to him for a few days plus I didn’t have a phone. I caught him cheating serval times, even took two girl to Vegas with him and his best friend. He told me they were just all friends and I just dropped it. A year goes by and we were at a friends birthday party and again he was on drugs. He kept saying to his friends that he was taking his kids mother to Vegas and I just left the house and started walking towards my moms house which was 2 miles away. He then got in his car and followed me…he got out of his car and punched my side and pulled my hair to get into the car. He then started driving to my house which was about 15 miles from where we were. We were about 5 miles from my house when he started back handing me over and over and over again. I started to feel very light headed as we got to 1.5 miles from my house we were at a red light and I jumped out of the car and ran across the intersection almost getting hit by a car. Lucky there was a guy in a truck that screamed at me and said I’m calling the cops and he made a u turn and told me to get into the truck. I was so terrified because he ended up pulling up on the side of that man’s truck and was threatening him and was telling me he was sorry and he won’t hit me again if I get into the car. The cops ended up showing up, the boyfriend left and had my phone. The cop took pictures of me and brought me to my house. Which he was parked on the side of. He then took off and I was so scared to go into my house because of him coming back. I went to the neighbors and asked them to use their phone to Call my sister to come over. My sister came over and as she was parking he pulled up with his brother in a different car and handed my phone to her. He told my sister I kept punching myself over and over. I know I should’ve been long gone already by this time. He stopped using drugs and I started to see a change in 2019. Or atleast I seen a change or thought I did. Things felt like they were coming together. He then got caught cheating in 2019 in September. He was messaging this older woman and Facebook messaging her and saying how he was in love with her and he wanted to take a weekend getaway with her and wake up to her. I was so hurt. I ended up telling him about it and he got so mad he hit my stomach so hard I was wheezing. The cops were called that day and he went to jail for breaking the restraining order we had from the previous incident in 2018. I went to the doctors the next morning because I felt like I could breathe right, it ended up being a broken rib and the doctor told me I had a healed crack on my rib and asked me what happen, I had no idea what he was talking about but I’m sure it could’ve been the time he hit my side in 2018 and I didn’t feel it. Anyways he got out of jail 2 days later and he was telling me he was done with that life and no more this and that. Once again I believe him. From September 2019 up until Dec 23rd of 2022 he’s been great. He changed his job, he’s doing great, we were doing great. We had a baby and she’s 1. I thought things were finally coming to an end because we hardly fought. I don’t know why the 23rd Dec 2022 was one for him to act out on. He wanted his friend to come over and drink and do cocaine with him and I was just not for it. I told him he can drink but I don’t want to. My daughter was fussy. He then told me I would make him look stupid if I didn’t with him because his friends girlfriend was coming along as well. I still said I don’t want to and I decided to go upstairs to take the baby a bath. He come up very angry and got in my face as I was holding my daughter. I walked away and started getting bath ready still, he then pushed me hard I almost fell over and I told him to please stop I have the baby in my arms and he kept pushing and pushing me with her in my arms. I called out for my older daughter to come grab the baby and maybe I shouldn’t have but she came in with tears in her eyes and I said please take the baby and she tried and he said no give me my daughter. He then tried taking the baby with a diaper out to the cold and said he was leaving to his moms. I was scared so I went after him. He then gave me my daughter outside and then hit my face. I took off running because all I seen was the past and then after I wouldn’t go inside he told me he was getting a knife to stab me. My older daughter I guess seen that he pushed my face from her window and called the cops. Cops came and arrested him. He’s still here at home and i just feel so weak that I can’t leave. I feel like I’m stuck in this big deep depression hole. I feel like I’m failing both my daughters by not leaving him. I try not to say the wrong thing because I’m scared of him. My body starts to shake and vivid images of the way I looked after he hit me comes to my mind. I wish I can upload the images but I’m too scared to show what the damage was. I know this has nothing to do with everyone’s stories but I just needed a place to vent with someone that has the same problem with their boyfriend being addicted to cocaine and having to deal with so much nonsense that it hurts.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

It’s totally free also ????

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours.

https://www.adaptoxford.org.uk/support

They also provide free treatment to the substance user if they want the support themselves( under the adapt programme on their website)

[thistim3]

The shock and trauma of our addict’s behaviors is something that we have to settle in ourselves. Not for them – for us.  Whether we stay with them – or not.  The stories here are all very similar.  The addict’s will do what they all do. What they have always done. It doesn’t matter who they are with, who their parents are, who their children are, who they are married to, who they are.  We all want to feel that for us, they won’t ever do the awful things that they do – or did.  This vile drug – cocaine will change the best of the best. It will devastate them and all who love them. When you realize that it doesn’t matter what you say or do. When you realize that.  Only then can you figure out how to release them and move forward, to put your shock, pain, and trauma in a healthier place. So, there is a reasonable chance to heal and move forward. With or without them.

[Justin34]

This happened to my girl friend after a ten year relationship! She didn’t get pregnant but rent though he’ll because of me she tried everything to the point I could control my self. The best thing you can do is leave let him sort this out because the more you help him the more it want get better just leave him he have a choice then to to give it up all carry on. Sadly I didn’t and I regret everything that happened as I love my ex so much and I do anything to get her beck just a shame I didn’t have this way of thinking then x

[Justin34]

You’re the victim in this you have to leave and enjoy your it’s up to him there’s nothing anyone can do you only start helping your self when you lose everything. Hope it works out x

[Lizzie52]

I have just read through this whole thread and feel desperately sorry for so many people who are going through hell. I am also married to a cocaine addict (he has finally admitted it) When I first met him I found out he did it occasionally but gradually over 5 years it has now got to the point of addiction. I still have so many questions that need answering but I will ask him in time as I found out on Christmas Eve that he had taken it again. At this time I didn’t realise that he was an addict and it was about the 10th time I had found out in 5 years of which we split up about 6 times for a short period of time but I always took him back as I loved him despite family and friends all telling me not too. It is so hard when you love someone. I had been making excuses for him saying no he wasn’t an addict despite people telling me he was. Anyway I threw him out – it was my house before we married and his adult children went with him. I like Lauriedee felt so bad as it was Christmas but I just couldn’t take it anymore. Likewise I provided him with a nice house, food and he wasn’t contributing to any bills. I guess all his money was going up his nose and I do know that he is in debt but don’t know the full extent of it as he won’t tell me. We have now been separated since then and he has admitted his addiction and is going to NA and also seeing a therapist. I met up with him a couple of weekends ago and it was awful – just a barrage of nastiness came out of his mouth for which he was so remorseful afterwards. He is severely depressed and threatening suicide. Before Christmas probably for the last year he had become so nasty to me and there was hardly a weekend that his toxic behaviour didn’t ruin things. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so nasty to someone that they were supposed to love. I am still thinking that I want us to work out but am so scared that things will go wrong again. But I am starting to see the hell that he has put me and my family through (my kids hate him for what he has done) and am maybe starting to think that I don’t want an addict in my life anymore. Any advice would be helpful. He says he has had one relapse in January since Christmas but I don’t know whether to believe him. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. Any advice would be really helpful x

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