[redvelvet]

Hi there, I’m very new to this site and I’m in need of some advice. I am 32F.

My partner (33F) does drink beer quite often and has admitted to me a few times that sometimes she needs it to “take the edge off” or “numb the pain”. When I say “quite often”, I mean she will either go out to our local pub on the weekends, or have a few cans of beer in on work nights. I haven’t gone as far to actually count how many she drinks, but it’s always more than one, and it’s every night.

This might not sound like a lot, which is why I’ve taken quite a significant amount of time to think it through before seeking advice, because a part of me thinks that maybe I am overreacting. She is high-functioning, has a stressful job, and her alcohol intake is done as responsibly as possible. She never returns home to me in a “black out” state, but she has come home a few times in such a manner that I hardly recognise her. As well as this, on more occasions than I can remember, she has ended up vomiting due to the amount she has drank. This was what triggered my concern a few months ago.

I have gently brought this up with her on a couple of occasions, kicking it off with expressing my worry that her body shouldn’t have to endure that much vomiting. She agreed with me, stating that it was because she has a bad habit of drinking on an empty stomach which is what prompts the sickness. I then asked her to consider having a meal before going out for drinks, as she struggles to maintain the 3 meals a day thing anyway, and this could help her with her diet. She agreed, and very much to her credit, she stuck to it. Until one night she came home from the pub and I heard her vomiting again, and she admitted she hadn’t eaten. I sat her down and tried a different approach. I asked her if she would consider going 1 week without alcohol at all, and she immediately agreed and said it wouldn’t be a problem. This was during the week leading up to our 1 year anniversary, and we were going away to the coast for it, so it was nice to know that she was more than happy to avoid alcohol too. I was hugely appreciative of her cooperation.

That week sailed by and I’ll be honest with you, I had completely forgotten about the deal we made because I was having such a nice time on holiday with her, until the week ended and she asked me if it was alright if she bought a case of beers. I happily said she could, because she did indeed stick to the no alcohol rule for that week. I immediately had an internal pang of worry, thinking that maybe I was enabling her, but I let it go. She experienced zero withdrawal during her time away from alcohol, and I hadn’t noticed a change in mood for her at all. This is why I am questioning whether my partner is an alcoholic, or just a little bit dependent on it.

Here’s where the problem truly began for me. A few nights ago, my partner had gone out in the afternoon after spending time with her father for his birthday (I was unable to make it, so I stayed home). So, she had started drinking early in the day and continued on until evening time. She came home to me, stumbling around and I froze up. This is where I should mention more specifically that when she is THIS level of drunk, I feel deeply uncomfortable around her. I am an anxious person generally, I take medication for it, but sometimes things will trigger me and I fall into fight-or-flight mode. When my partner is this drunk, all I want to do is walk out the room and leave her to it, but I know I’ll be destined to have the “responsible sober person” role and make sure she’s okay. So sometimes I just freeze. When she’s like this, she’s unable to hold a conversation, she’s loud and clumsy, she is guaranteed to vomit, she’s overly touchy and sexual and is unable to read my signals showing her I’m not in THAT kind of mood, etc. This is not the woman I fell in love with. She sensed my discomfort (because I did not hide it) and I told her that I wish she wouldn’t drink so much.

This resulted in our first explosive argument. We have had disagreements before, sure, but this was full blown screaming. This was the first time she did not take it well, and became massively defensive. And, of course, because she was so intoxicated, her arguments weren’t making any sense. It was like arguing with a wall. As well as this, she was also screaming at me for things she THOUGHT I said, but actually didn’t, because she was seemingly incapable of hearing my words and understanding them at that moment in time. It was unbearable. I tried about 4 times to explain my side as gently as I could, but I ended up in tears as she screamed me down. She ended up becoming very spiteful, attacking my character and saying things I never thought she would ever say to me. This was when I did indeed leave the room and shut myself away in the bedroom.

She joined me in the bedroom minutes later, profusely apologising. She admitted that what just happened wasn’t the true version of her, and she doesn’t want me to be fearful of her. She explained how difficult her day was and how she used the alcohol as a coping mechanism, and I silently listened and understood. She then asked me to write down everything that had happened during our argument, in case she forgets the next day. The fact that she wanted a reminder was a big boost of hope for me, as I had thought that maybe she was going to use it as a reason to cut back on the drinking. I told her, quite firmly, that I never wanted a repeat of this kind of situation, and she agreed. We made up, and things have been absolutely fine since.

However, I do have a nagging doubt. When she woke up the next morning, fully sober and set off to work, I was hoping that she and I would have a real discussion about her alcohol intake when she got home. Instead, she ended up repeating how bad her day was the previous day, and how stressed she is at work, etc. I appreciated that she had apologised on the night of the argument, but she has made no effort or shown any remorse once she sobered up. I also completely understood that things have been very tough for her lately, and I’m doing everything I can to make her life as easy as possible. A part of me is concerned that she is trying to use her stress as an excuse for the way she treated me that night, and I just cannot stand for that. Some of the things she screamed at me were completely uncalled for, very hurtful and actually made me scared of her for a short time.

It’s been a few days later, and like I’ve said, things have been fine, but her alcohol intake still has not come up. I’ve quietly made a decision to not bring it up again, unless something similar to before occurs again. I’m not sure if this is the right way to go about it, but I’m honestly terrified of triggering another argument. Hell, even as I write this right now, she is at the pub. I’m hoping she knows better than to come home wasted.

I’m sorry this is such a long post, but I wanted to ask for some real advice. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to her about it again in a different way? Or is this a lost cause that I need to just forget about because she’s a grown adult and can make her own choices despite my profound discomfort?

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