[blue-bird]

I am 23 and my dad has been taking cocain for around 17 years. Life has been hell some times. He has been taking as much as 8 gram at a time recently. I don’t normally complain that much as we have had a better life than some people. We have never really gone without and always had a roof over our heads.
My dad is the best dad in the world when is ‘normal’ everyone was always envious of my dad being as good as he was! And the relationship he had with me and my brother doing more than my mum when we were younger.
I got told when I was around 13 that my dad had a problem and that he was going into rehab as soon as they had gotten the money together for him (they didn’t and he never went in). In the time from then to now my dad has totally disappeared. His relationship with all my family has deteriorated along with his health both physical and mentally.
After going on a number of rehab programs and electro treatment all over witch never worked and he has admitted never doing more than around 7-12 days clean since he started using. Now is the last chance (so my mum says). And since knowing he was starting a new rehab program he has hit it hard we all had a bad weekend even though it’s only my mum living at home. Swapping the drugs for alcohol (he gets aggressive off alcohol ) . Then taking things anyway. He has now done 3 days clean although my mum said she has not gotten any sleep as of him trying to get hold of his drugs thankfully not managing.
My main issue is my dad’s health. This is his last chance at life basically. The doctor has told him the waiting list for nhs rehab is 9 months and my dad doesn’t have that long. His mental health is Really bad he hears and sees things even when not using he is completely paranoid has multi personalities. This has been going on for a for years,but has been getting worse obviously the longer the drug use has been going on.
I’ve not lived at home or had a brilliant relationship with my dad from being 16 and suddenly everything is all to much! I just feel like breaking down constantly, I feel depressed and this is my only reason.
I look at my little girl and don’t know how he could ever put us through what he has and denies what he is like he doesn’t remember what he has done in the past and will never talk about anything the next day if you try and pursue he shout and shifts the blame or just totally ignore it.
I don’t know why I am writing all of this but I feel a bit of relief as ive never really spoken to anyone in much detail. I feel like my whole child hood is just to much for me and that the weekend has just brought things back up to the surface for me.
I’ve got an appointment to see a family worker soon, but I don’t know if this will help or just make me feel worse.
I just want my dad back.

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