[fireandice]

I’m new here, Tonight’s been possibly the hardest night of my life. I don’t quite know what to write, what to feel or how to process everything. To many thoughts are racing around for me to make sense of them. Firstly, Have I made the right choice? Secondly, Will I ever see my friend again it will he hate me for this? Third and the one that’s most painful, Will he be ok? My friends an alcoholic, Can go months without a drink and suddenly pick up from where he left off. Recently it’s become more difficult to manage. Lately he’s been drinking on a weekly basis. Passing out. Becoming verbally aggressive, pushing me away with angry words. Tonight, I knew he was drinking, he passed out, I couldn’t rouse him so I had to call an ambulance. He also has cancer, Incurable. I’ve reached a point where I can no longer pick him up, put him to bed, keep watch over him during the night to make sure he’s breathing. I’m exhausted, I feel awful for feeling these things, for being weak, unable to keep pushing forward for him. I feel scared, Scared that by calling for help because I couldn’t help he’ll hate me. He cried in my arms, he was so scared, I understand he’s been scared for a long time, drinking quietens that. Drinking quietens the side of him that I value as a friend and replaces him with someone who will say and do anything to hurt me because he feels worthless. Perhaps it’s the pain from his past, losing babies, his father, his mother? Perhaps he’ll hate me? But it’s okay, I didn’t give up that’s my secret, I did the best I could at a time where I felt things I’ve never felt before. I broke a part of me because I knew I was risking our friendship but praying that I’d somehow help him to help himself, That he’d get the treatment he needs. Tough love, Studies show this, others show that, Does it work? Everything else I’ve tried hasn’t worked. Will he fight if he knows he’s being fought for? Did I do the right thing? Am I alone in this? Have I left him when I should have stayed? His words before he left, I love her, but get her out I don’t want her here. I don’t want to go. I didn’t want him to go, I’ve spent a year fighting at his side, good periods where he doesn’t drink and we laugh and he shines with happiness. Bad periods where he passes out, I have to try to get him to wake up, he verbally abuses me because he wants me away from his demons, bad periods where he sees the world and everything within him is toxic and all I see is someone desperately fighting and fearful at what recovery means. If I could trade places I would, if I could I’d take away the pain of addiction from us both. If I could I’d be with him now, reassuring him, but I know he’s come to rely on it, lean on it and expect it. I know I have to tough it out to give him the best shot at recovery. His addition is his secret although one he’s not good at hiding, mine is the inexplicable pain that I have felt for over a year and tonight feel it’s full weight. I need to understand what to do? were my choices right to get an intervention in place? How do you cope with everything?

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