[justus2]

My partner is a alcohol and cocaine addict. The last year has been horrific with lies, gaslighting and abuse so he could maintain and hide his habits. This is majority of our relationship. I see a good man trapped and care for him. He has sworn he has stopped the drugs, but still drinks on occasion. He has moved in with me and I am trying to be supportive but am sure he is still using….! He doesn’t disappear on benders anymore which is a big change as he would for days before, But on occasion stays up til 6am downstairs on his own having a drink. And the next day is blowing his nose constantly. He says his body clock is messed up. maybe I am looking for signs that aren’t there? He struggles to manage money and doesn’t contribute to my house at all but practically will help with jobs. I find myself footing the bill for everything- is he pulling the wool over my eyes and I’m being taken for a ride?

He changed his number to avoid dealers and friends who influence but has numbers saved in his phone as his sister when I know it isn’t her. I then wonder if he’s essentially hiding out at mine and changed his number as owes money to people?

I feel like I am loosing my mind. I’m trying to be caring and want to support him but feel a complete fool. And feel if I say anything I’ll be the excuse for a relapse.

Has anyone got any advice?

[jamesb]

Ahhh this is such a hard one for me because I’m commenting on posts from the perspective of a recovering cocaine addict so I’ve been in the situation your boyfriend is in right now. Its like a moral conflict for me. Not wanting to “snitch” on your partner because I was at one point just as bad as him etc but equally I feel like people like yourself and my Mrs (who left me due to my addiction) deserve so much better.

I can’t tell you definitely of course but I will say this…..

It’s very rare a Cocaine addict will be able to drink without doing gear.

Its very rare a recovering addict or anyone who isn’t doing something they shouldn’t be would still be up until 6am

It’s also very rare that someone who wasnt hiding something would have numbers saved to their phone under false names.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to him. Safe guard yourself but also try to be understanding and supportive if you can.

All addicts lie. We can’t help it. We have to so we can continue with what we are trying to do and as long as an addict can get away with using 9 out of 10 times they will.

You clearly care for him deeply so he is lucky to have you. When he isnt using I’m sure hes a great guy. Try and bring it up when you think he is sober and tell him how your are feeling how its effecting you.

Also maybe tell him to come on here and talk to a few of the guys who have been through the same thing.

Alot of the time there’s so much more going on deeper down than just the addiction to a substance.

Communication is key in any relationship so don’t bottle anything up. Talk to him and if you need support we are all here for you x

[justus2]

Hi!

Thank you so much for your reply! I did try and reply some time back but the site never let my reply post and I got caught up in everything else since but I can’t tell you how much I appreciated it. However if this allows me to post it will be somewhat a different reply as much has changed since- apart from how grateful I am you took the time message me and how difficult I am sure it was, and how it gave me some clarity! When you said what you did it made me feel less bonkers, it offered reassurance and you was spot on. It was a really helpful perspective thank you.

An update is- My partner continued to lie to my face, convince me I was mad and the same patterns continued…. Until I physically caught him doing it while we was at friends house. At which point he STILL told me it was in my head and I was mad. We had his teenage children over that night and they was downstairs on camp beds. He was still down stairs with them – they had both fallen asleep and he was insistent on ‘staying up to watch tv’ while clearly wired continuing to drink and probably do gear. I confronted him- (I know I should have waited until he was sober but I couldn’t bare the thought of him doing it in my home with kids here too!) he got shouty telling me to go f*** myself and woke his daughter. At which point he decided he would leave and stay at his mothers- taking his kids with him at 2am (his mother collecting him too). I even found cocaine on the floor where he was sat in my living room between his kids.

He apologised the next day and totally came clean (but played it all down) promised to get help etc etc. that was a few weeks ago, and he has sought no support. I am massively unhappy and not myself. I don’t think I can keep trying to support him as it’s destroying me, making me snappy with my everyone including my own son and impacting my work.

It’s so tough as he has made MASSIVE changes, he doesn’t drink as much, and isn’t going out disappearing. There are dates he definitely could have gone to parties etc and declined to. He has not had a day off work in ages, a bit better with money, and I do believe he has cut down significantly.

But we went out Friday night together as a ‘date night’ and I was suspicious he was using. I did confront him and he made me feel mad and awful for saying so. He went to ‘visit a friend’ before we left- his nose was running all night, pupils huge and a bit of a gurn. I’m not stupid. I just knew he was! At the end of the evening he brought food, made a point of eating it and saying ‘see if I was on something I’d never be able to eat this’. I can’t help thinking he forced himself to be able to. To me I felt used as someone to go out with so he could drink and use. As if our night together was just a smoke screen for that rather than it’s intended purpose of trying to restrengthen a definitely fragile relationship.

my head has driven me mad since so I have looked at his phone tonight, I feel terrible for doing so but of course the calls and messages asking for drugs are on there. I really don’t know what to do – behind all this is he a wonderful man and my son thinks he is great too. I am also becoming something I am not as I am not distrusting and wouldn’t invade someone’s privacy by going on their phone etc. i just feel I need to reassure my sanity at those times if that makes sense. It’s all the lies deceit and gaslighting. I’ve never been so depressed in my life

[justus2]

P.s – I told him I had tried to seek help from forums because of how it is impacting me and suggested he did too. He refuses any idea of groups etc as says he ‘doesn’t need them’ and that it would make him feel worse. A close friend is over in England for one night this weds who is many many years sober and I am hoping he will join me when I meet him. I struggle to talk to any of my friends or family about how I feel as I feel I am bad mouthing him ????

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

So sorry to read your post and see how you’re depressed because of your partner’s addiction. I’m sorry that you can’t speak to family or friends. If you would like to talk with someone who would understand what you are going through, please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people like you dealing with addiction in the family. If you get in touch one of our trained Family Friends would talk with you which might help you to move forward.

you can get in touch at contact@icarustrust.org

All the best.

[Author]

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