[snuffysmith]

Hey all, new to the forum. I’ve had an ongoing battle with cocaine for years on and off, but right now I’m in recklessly deep and its killing me. Not only me but everyone around me, I’m embarrassed it’s got to here, the depth warps my thoughts to perceive theres no going back. I’ve lost belief in myself on this, and if you knew me as a person that is hugely out of character. And that makes me over analyse it in a negative light, which in turn turns me self destructive and wanting to escape reality. Im stupidly strong willed with everything, dog with a bone… but this is my Achilles heel. Tried so many times (so so many) to kick it and yet still on the merrygoround. I’m trying to shift my mind set onto a path through this, hence here I am! I’m a self content private individual, but I need to open up know this. I need somewhere to bounce off when I’m feeling weak, think that’s what has been missing- a direct point of contact full disclosure. I have friends and family that are partially aware (my poor partner most aware) but I have never spoken to someone all in about it. And had that crash mat there. Cocaine is ruining my life, I have to find the way out of this before it gets too late.

[gigi12]

Hey, so I have also probably reached the same point as you in the sense that we have both realised it’s a problem enough to reach out to a forum. I’ve used cocaine for years, mostly because it gave me confidence. But I’ve now found myself doing it alone when my partner is in the house and thinking to myself why are you doing this? It’s a fucked up situation, the hold it has over you even when you don’t realise it

[snuffysmith]

Hey Gigi, more than happy to have someone to talk to in similar circumstance, surely we can help each other out. Its a slippery slope, starts off as you said a confidence booster and before yku know it you’re using it just to function how you see normal. Lockdown has definitely given me harder time with it all, how have you found it? yesterday reaching out on here and having yet another realisation, making last night the last time… again. Think that’s what makes it worse, I dont have faith in myself after do many fails. Putting it out there now though so I can be held to it. What’s your current situation?

[gigi12]

It’s actually nice to speak to someone about this so I really hope you come back to me! Maybe we can help each other

[zen]

You’ve both done the best thing by reaching out … I’m the partner of an addict and I always try and see things thru his eyes currently very difficult since he has walked out on me. You guys just need to know you have it in you to take control, it’s not easy at all and gonna take all your strength but it’s gonna be worth it in the longer term. Got to use these feelings as motivation.

[snuffysmith]

Thanks CHall, great to have a bit of encouragement. Am hoping (really really hoping) that with some support like the forum I can use this alongside the other positives that will come from clean living. I’ve been on it every day for over a month this time round, today has been cocaine free. Going to get an early night and hopefully start to feel more human day by day, I have to do it this time round no excuses or relapses. Why has he walked out on you and is it cocaine as well? Turns people recklessly and selfish, I’ve been horrible of late 🙁

[gigi12]

I have found lockdown really hard, and I almost feel so guilty for that as I have friends who are nurses who are out risking their health and I’m working from home. I’ve been using mid week alone which I never used to do and I feel terrible about it, but the worse I feel the more I feel I do it. I’ve been so selfish and acted in ways I normally wouldn’t! Snuffysmith – do you ever get that feeling the next day when you Have been taking it and you wake up That you literally hate yourself so much, your thoughts are running a million miles an hour through your head?

[snuffysmith]

Hey Gigi, I think there is an almost identical series of mindset with the morning after. Like you say, wake up thoughts spinning and self loathing at an all time high, makes it like a never ending cycle as I treat the hate with abuse and self destruct, so unhealthy. Like you said, working from home and that has made it more accessible and open for midweek which is ridiculous… ashamed and embarrassed that I would do this to the people around me let alone myself. Well, on the up side – yesterday was coke free, first time for a while and hopefully first of many. I do feel positive about it, but I feel like shit at the minute. As Chall81 said theres a first few weeks to claw through which are the peak of it, then hopefully will ease a little. It’s now or never though, this is a battle of years for me and it CANT win. It’s easy to feel hate Gigi the next morning, dont let it guide your mental state. Doesn’t do any favours in my experience.

I also feel for the contributors with partners that are going through the mill st the minute. One thing I can say which you guys have resonated already – underneath that horrible draw that gravitates to use cocaine is a good, caring person (in these cases anyway) dont give up on them. I’m do lucky to have an unbelievably understanding and caring other half, without which I would have gone well over the edge by now. One of my drivers in getting clean is to make her proud, prove I’m better than I have been and that she deserves more. Because she does, she’s a saint to have put up with me. Well worth a few shit weeks to get my head from up my ass and back in the game… I miss real life 🙁

[zen]

Small steps for now and use any bad feelings as motivation , it’s all easier said than done we know that but dig deep you are on the best path. Communication is the most important thing, my partner just shuts me out because he knows I’m the one who will try and stop him, but I’m not built for that kind of treatment I’ve been there for him and always said I have faith in his recovery but it seems to mean nothing to him. Im being trampled on atm and it’s breaking my heart. He has now blocked me so I can’t have any contact. It’s so unfair

[snuffysmith]

That does seem really unfair, lockdown is a devil for this it seems. Hopefully theres a light on that front, hopefully will be easier to communicate once that’s over? He’s lucky to have you having faith in his recovery, I find it hard to have my own faith so having a partner to back it up is crucial. I hope for both you sakes he realises what he has to fight for. I dont think I truly understood (I mean I got it for sure) how strenuous it is on partners until I started talking on here and saw all the views. Communication really is key, hopefully having here to vent and chat will be the out I needed to beat this.

[mo229]

CHall81 I’m in the same situation as you, I tried my hardest to see things through my partners eyes but in the end he left me a few weeks ago on a relapse. I have no idea what he’s been doing since but I’m assuming he’s been using cocaine again, so devastated because he is the most loving kindest guy when clean but the past few weeks he’s had a personality change. Sometimes the only thing we can do is step out of the way otherwise we will make ourselves ill

[zen]

Exactly the same as me. We’ve been together none stop for months as we don’t generally live together and then boom he has gone I can’t cope with it, I’m not built that way it’s killing me, he has let me know he is ok and that is all it’s like our relationship has meant nothing to him. I wish I could take a step back I’ve become so in tune with him.

[r7byrne]

Reading what you’ve just said I can totally relate to you, I had to leave as my partners drinking has gotten out of control, I have a teenage daughter so wasn’t a happy environment for her. Only differences between us is I’m still in contact with my partner, it’s starting to have an effect on my mental health as he calls me when he’s had a drink crying asking for help but I or his family can’t do anything as he has to want the help from rehab. This weekend was very hard but I’m now wondering if I should take an even further step away from him as I can’t let it effect my mental wellbeing. Its really hard!

I hope you are coping as well as you can be x x

[zen]

I literally don’t feel like I can walk away everyone is pushing me to do so but nobody is in our shoes. I can’t even explain it the feelin ive been thru so much shit in my life and managed to pull my head round but this is just the strangest thing. Total head rot

[r7byrne]

When you love someone it’s very hard to walk away even when you know deep down it’s what you should do. It’s very easy for others to give advice but unless you’re in that position they can easily say walk away.

Only you can decide what to do x

[zen]

Take it a day at time even an hour at a time if needs be it’s getting the first week or 2 out the way the best you can. This is the result of a Coke binge it’s heartbreaking

[zen]

Exactly the same as me. We’ve been together none stop for months as we don’t generally live together and then boom he has gone I can’t cope with it, I’m not built that way it’s killing me, he has let me know he is ok and that is all it’s like our relationship has meant nothing to him. I wish I could take a step back I’ve become so in tune with him.

[mo229]

Yep, it’s like our partners are the same person! I think with the lockdown, has caused him to go into self destruct mode, as soon as he left me to isolate with his mum he has just gone downhill, just rang me drunk/high and told me he didn’t want this anymore and that he wants to be on his own. Then that’s it, he’s just ignored me since, even when I tried to offer love and support he threw it back in my face and told me I need to go and ‘fix myself’. I struggling to cope with it too, we were so happy and he constantly told me how much he loved me, and now its like he hates me. I’m the same as you, I wish I could just let go, I know we can’t do anything to help but it’s so hard when you love someone and you know they don’t want to use. I have tried to take a step back and leave him be seeing as he couldn’t care less about me rn, I’m getting myself some counselling to deal with the pain, maybe it’s something you should think about too? I stupidly want him to come back to me and realise what he’s done when he’s a bit more clearminded but equally I know I should just let go. It’s so tough. Just know you’re not alone, reading this forum and talking to others is helping me a little. Sending lots of love x

[zen]

I’ve isolated myself from everyone all the people trying to protect me as i have always had this notion he can do it I have faith in him but how often can we go through this ? Days of turmoil for him to then no doubt tell me it’s over. Lots of love to you also talking about it helps a little we know times the best thing in the world x

[mo229]

It sounds like you’re in the same situation as my ex partner, its great that you have reached out and I hope that reading some of the threads on this forum will help you. My ex was clean for a year, and said he had never been so happy and clearminded, so I hope that gives you some hope. Read back on some of the threads on here, there’s been a few people that have written who are also addicted to coke, with some ways they have tried to kick it. I don’t know if you’ve thought about getting a sponser, but that might help too, to have someone to call when you’re craving who can talk to you from personal experience?

[gigi12]

It’s really nice to be able to speak on here. I feel like this has been a huge secret I’ve kept bottled up for so long and it Eats me Alive. I’m not scared to admit that I felt almost ashamed last night when I went to bed wired and looked up ‘cocaine help forums’ but I am glad now that I did as I think this genuinely might really help me. And as for you guys who are saying that your partner is using I feel so awful for you guys as I am probably doing the same to my boyfriend. It must truly be the worst thing to be on the opposite side of it all xx

[jessicaann]

Hey Gigi,

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve been in the exact same situation as you. I spent a couple of years trying to kick my cocaine use. I kept trying to figure out a way to give up – trying so many different things. Moving out of London, not drinking, drinking only on the weekend, hanging out with different people, going to a therapist… nothing worked. I was obsessed with the idea of being able to control my using but I just couldn’t.

Finally, I gave in and decided to go to a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting as a last resort. There I was able to find a solution to my problem and get insight into what was wrong with me. I’ve been clean from drugs and alcohol for 18 months now and would be happy to introduce you to some meetings and tell you a bit more about it. I don’t obsess over drugs anymore in the same way I used to, I live a totally normal life free of triggers – I even went to Ibiza last year completely sober.

Let me know if you want to chat and find out more, or check out their website, they’re currently offering online meetings: https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

Take care,

Jess

[jiar]

Hey I’ve just been on this and really been thinking it was just me feeling pissed off with my self now hope you guys get through this and me to just good hearing other people talk about it

[snuffysmith]

So third dwy, done Saturday and Sunday – morning has gone absolutely shit with work and thoughts started creeping into my head. Not going to fold, just makes a shit time shitter. 11am Monday and thinking about trying to escape from the world… just feels theres not much going atm

[zen]

You’ve done the right thing by checking in here!! Day 3 just think back to day 1 I bet you thought day 3 seemed like a lifetime…keep digging deep keep busy. Have you got support around you ? Don’t isolate worst thing ever yet the easiest thing to do. I’m going thru the motions my partner has been in touch but not been very nice tbh it’s sad We can’t go on as long as he is using.

[snuffysmith]

Yeah true, day 1 was hazy and a weekend, work has been a shit show today and I have got nothing productive done so far.

Working from home at the minute is the shittest thing ever. Life is bloody hard atm, i dont feel it fair to he moaning on here when you guys are going through the mill on the other side of the story. Things used to enjoyable and easier, this year has been the single most demotivating time in my life. Had real serious personal circumstances happen as well which haven’t helped. I just need to get through to tonight so I can have a breather

[zen]

I don’t mind hearing the other side of things it’s good and helps understanding. I never underestimate what it must feel like. But ride the storm keep going it’ll get a little easier in time don’t give in. You looking at recovery help I’m not sure if we can recommend things on here but SMART recovery is a brilliant tool for both sides

[snuffysmith]

I’ll check that out, anything is worth a try. Today has been so stupidly stressy my second thought is constantly to make a call, it’s real hard. 3PM thought getting there. Think I’ll go to bed super early tonight so I dont have chance to contemplate. Honestly cant stress enough, lockdown has been the brain of my addiction. If I were at work I’d have colleges to bounce off and other outs and solutions for how stressy it is… its been made too easy to buckle. How do you go about getting a sponsor? Think I need someone to actually guide me, feel so weak and impressionable at times. Just wish life were how it was last year

[zen]

It’s a really strange time for everyone right now but the pressure is on for people who struggle with dependency , mental health etc. Make a small goal maybes? It’s getting it off your mind which isn’t easy we always want what we can’t have. Defo have a look at SMART. Google drug support in your local area but I know SMART recovery have drop in meetings which no doubt they will be running online at present. Do it now don’t wait. Keep going day 3 will be behind you before you know it. You don’t need that shit you can live without it just have to revisit yourself

[snuffysmith]

Thanks, sometimes need a few words of wisdom – helped stave the urge. Day 4, actually fee better than have done since Friday. Lot more positive today, going to dig into work and get loads done keep myself occupied. I’m actually home alone all day today so this will be the test, if I can manage today that’s another achievement under the belt. Nice name change btw!

[zen]

You are at day 4 man …. well done … defo tap into support networks as you need them even if you feel you are doing good you need backup. Keep it up and keep busy you got this !

[snuffysmith]

Cheers 🙂 today been ok actually! Going to cook my lady a nice meal up tonight, let her know how much she means to me. God knows have put her through enough shit. Hope things look up for you Zen eventually. Feel slightly more human each morning wake up atm, did fall asleep about 7 last night! Was right when you said ride the storm… day by day

[zen]

Day 5!!! Go for it. I’ve spoken to my partner this is always the same tho it’s like a cycle but how we both choose to progress from it is up to us and has to be time measured and sensible I can’t end up back to square 1 again. Lots of realistic thinking ahead and not gettin carried away in the feel good of these very early days of “he’s said he wants to change” have to not lose our heads as it creates a bit euphoria.

[r7byrne]

Hi

Whenever my partner would feel like that I would try and talk to him about thinking just one positive thought, happy memory or time with family and friends or even looking on social media for inspiration for positivity.

Hope this will help a little and remember to feel proud of the days you have done well on

[sukey51]

Hi, I hope you are doing well and congratulations on seeking help I know it must of been hard: my question to you is how would I get through to my partner who is in denial has an excuse for every action that relates to his cocaine taking: I’ve come to a point that I can’t handle it anymore and asked him to leave if he takes it again: I’ve tried everything .

[snuffysmith]

Hey Sukey, theres a host of questions off the back of that – how long has he been using firstly? And do you reside together? I know it must be hard, it’s been years for me on and off bit my partner changed her approach and it helped in my opinion. We used to argue madly over it which drove negativity into the whole situation, I dont know how she did it but she flipped to being supportive and not losing it when I fell off the wagon. I think she got to a point (sadly) that she didn’t want to upset herself for my ignorant choices. That one thing that made me realise what a doosh I was being. Communication is key if you ask me, and the format it is conducted in

[jessicaann]

Hey Snuffy,

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. I’ve been in the exact same situation as you. I spent a couple of years trying to kick my cocaine use. I kept trying to figure out a way to give up – trying so many different things. Moving out of London, not drinking, drinking only on the weekend, hanging out with different people, going to a therapist… nothing worked. I was obsessed with the idea of being able to control my using but I just couldn’t.

Finally, I gave in and decided to go to a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting as a last resort. There I was able to find a solution to my problem and get insight into what was wrong with me. I’ve been clean from drugs and alcohol for 18 months now and would be happy to introduce you to some meetings and tell you a bit more about it.

Let me know if you want to chat and find out more, or check out their website, they’re currently offering online meetings: https://cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

Take care,

Jess

[snuffysmith]

Hey Jess, there are a lot of similarities in what you say. I’ve fooled myself to think I could control my using for a long time but I cant. It gets a huge hold of me… also tried not drinking, not meeting friends, drinking at weekends only… have always ended up back there again. I do feel good this time but I have been here before. I’m going to check out the link you put, I said to my partner it’s obvious I cant do this on my own hence coming onto the forum. Thinking a sponsor or someone to chat to real time might help. Thanks for the post and link 🙂

[sukey51]

Hi snuffy

Thanks for the reply ,

We live together , 2 years he’s been always taking it since he was in his 20s on and off he is 49 now. I’ve only known him 2 n half years , he’s lost his job he is distant from family and friends, he blames me for being paranoid and the same towards his mum, denies all, I’ve tried the soft approach but it didn’t last long, now I’ve just been blunt and said straight if you go out in next few days when he’s caught up on his sleep and comes back high again we are over, ( of course I don’t want to break up ) losing hope to get through to him, he’s had issues I feel he don’t want to face reality; he doesn’t it every 10 days to 2 weeks, what approach did your partner use, I would love to know, I will be over the moon if I can get through to him.

[snuffysmith]

I used to think if I used every few weeks or so it was ok, I know its not but that’s what I told myself. My partner has been pivotal in my decision in the sense that she has been so supportive but the decision lay with me, I think it has to be that you want to do it yourself to make it work, I may be wrong as I’m only just getting clear headed myself but that’s the driver for me – I want to quit. I also know it will shorten my life span, depending how much he is consuming it could be doing real damage. Has he said he wants to quit? Has he lost his job since lockdown?

[sukey51]

He lost his job a year ago; he wS trying to set up his own business but because he was not thinking rationally it all fell under so he job went and his business,

He said he gave up drugs before he met me but he was lying I didn’t realize a year later,

He hasn’t admitted he’s taking anything but it’s clear from his actions he is, I’ve told him today no employer will take seriously when he is high on an interview he won’t hold a job down his health is up and down he has the same symptoms every month the now ache sniffles etc etc lack of sleep apatite is low then he’s sleeping it off and eating a lot he’s horrible negative then he’s is brilliant about 2 days just before he has his next hit, I understand it has to be him who agrees to have help; I’ve been blunt and said I’m here for you if you want my help and I have contact for professional help but he slams me down

He hasn’t said he wants to stop he’s in denial

[zen]

Hey how are you getting on? I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. Not so good my end to be honest but life goes on

[sukey51]

Hi Zen

Hope you are feeling better today, I’m on here to get advice for my bf but I’ve got the answer I need, and that is he needs to want to stop.

Right now he’s carching up on his sleep and is getting mood swings. Are you getting the right help ?

[sukey51]

Hi Snuffy

I hope your doing ok, try to keep your chin up keep strong, I wanted to say stay away from refined sugars and processed foods this all feeds the addiction too,

Get your fruits clean n veg n clean protein going along with fitness, if you haven’t already, and don’t forget B12

[jayjames]

Well done for reaching out, I’ve just joined I been doing cocaine for around ten years 30 next week and I needed to stop as i was doing 3/4 day binges non stop awake not eating i managed to quit it from sep last year to two days ago where I been on a binge again really annoyed at my self.

[Author]

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