[tw82]

Hi, I just need some support as although I know I’m doing the right thing for my family I feel guilty and I’m worried for my boyfriend, after a talk on monday he said he wouldnt drink in front of our daughter that he was having a few weeks off and he wouldnt drink again until a stag weekend at the beginning of Oct that me and our daughter were more important and he could see she was being distant with him (always coming to me because I’m the one that’s always there, he’s really loud when drinking so she’s a bit scared as she thinks hes shouting she also doesnt like it when he smells of drink so avoids him plus he let’s her down alot by saying hes going to take her places then just leaving me to take her because he’d rather sit at home drinking alone) anyway come Friday and my mum was looking after her so he came home from work with the usual excuses, shes not at home tonight, it’s been a long week, I want to spend some time relaxing etc anyway I’m past caring so dont even bother arguing but again he sat up all night drinking when I got up at 9am on sat he was still drinking continued all day, i went out about 11 and returned at 3 he was still in the same spot in the same clothes drinking even though I’d asked him to sort some things while I was out just a few simple things like asking his ex if he could have his son next week for daughters birthday party and take the bin down but he done nothing, the drinking continued even after I picked up my daughter at 4.30 he then spent the rest of the night complaining that he was being ignored and he felt like the invisible man that she’d only cuddle him when he asked he refused to let her have her favourite things because she was being rude to him, when I said it because your drunk all I got was you blame everything on my drinking but it’s true hes lost all his friends and family due to arguments hes started when drunk my family dont like him because the amount he drinks he doesnt get invited on work nights out because of his drinking the only person that doesnt see his drinking is a problem is him

I’ve now decided I need to leave, i need to do what’s best for my daughter I know it’s going to be difficult to get him to leave and he’ll fight me all the way it’s going to be very stressful I also dont know where I stand with contact with lo as he will expect me just to hand her over but I dont want to leave her alone with him, i have videos of him passed out and a diary of the amount hes drank over the last month I want to insist on supervised contact until he can prove hes capable of being sober when he has her but I’ve no idea where to start

I suppose what I’m asking for is some reassurance I’m doing the right thing and if anyone has any help or info regarding how to safeguard my daughter while still maintaining a relationship with her dad? I know it’s not going to be easy but any advice to make it as painless as possible would be greatly appreciated thank you x

[deedee]

You are doing the right thing your daughter must come first. If she is scared when he drinks then that’s quite damaging. Your husband wont stop until he really wants to. I know you must be worrying that if you leave he will get worse trust me I’ve been there. When someone is an addict then their substance whatever it is will be the most important thing in their live and they will carry on no matter who they hurt.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. It’s really brave what you are doing and I guess it must be really hard for you.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust which would offer you help if you think that would be useful. We have people you could talk with and that might help you to answer some of your questions.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck to you.

[daisy12]

It’s really brave what you’re doing and I’m so sorry your in this position. But you must put your daughter first as things like this can be damaging later in life.

I’m sure if he looses what he loves he will realise and get help. I’d like to think he would for you both.

Good luck

[cruella71]

I feel like I want to leave my husband because of his mental health and alcohol issues. I just don’t know which way to turn. It’s making me ill

[lem40]

I’m in a similar situation- my husband has poor mental health at the moment and I’ve discovered recently that he’s been drinking in secret every day! I knew he liked a drink and had always drank at home, nights out etc but it’s like he doesn’t know his limits and gets to the point where he becomes argumentative and just basically behaves like an idiot! I feel his mental health has been caused by his need to have a drink. He’s been put on antidepressants about 4 years ago – some days he’ll take them, other days he won’t so hasn’t been getting the benefit from them plus he’s always drank while being on them which counter acts what the tablets are trying to do. New Year’s Eve was the last straw for me -i have threatened to leave so many times if he didn’t change and he would for about a week, but then go back to the same old ways. On New Year’s Eve he got drunk to the point where he was being sick in the car, out the window and all in front of our 9 year old! She was upset and disgusted at his behaviour and the way he was speaking to me. When we got home, he kicked the back gate in, was swearing out in the street and then stormed off across the fields! I couldn’t find him! In the end he came back at 5 am after falling over and sleeping under a tree! A 41 year old dad of 3!! I was so disgusted that he’d behaved like that, so I told him to leave and he went to stay with his mum. He swears he hasn’t had a drink since – which I believe- and he wants a chance to make things right between us. Sadly, with addiction, I’ve learnt that only a crisis situation such as a marriage breakdown, makes a person realise they have to change and get help. Sorry to hear bout your situation- does your husband drink to excess everyday??

[lamouette]

You are doing the right thing.

I am the other way round to you in that we have my partners children every other weekend.

Today my partner is definitely not in a fit state to look after his children. He downed 12 beers and a whole bottle of sherry last night and sat up drinking until 6:30am.

I’m about to call their mother as the little one is 2 1/2 and is refusing to let me change her nappy and I don’t want to force her and frighten her.

I worry when they are here becasue I don’t want to leave his own children with him so I can go out. Trust me – you’re doing the right thing.

I’m about to ask him to leave my house – he needs to get his life together and realise what he’s got and what he can lose.

Put yourself and your little ones first- good luck x

[Author]

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