I’m moving out of my fiancé house because he wouldn’t stop doing coke

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    • #5914
      mm88
      Participant

      My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years, this year in February he proposed to me. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction for us. We both work at his family’s business, we we’re saving for a home in the suburbs, we were planning our dream wedding. Unfortunately Monday that all went to hell in a hand basket.

      When we first met, we both had a habit of partying a lot, experimenting with drugs and binge drinking. He was engaged to his high school sweet heart but they had broken up and moved on. On the outside my fiancé seemed like a dream come true kind of guy and deep down i been waiting for a guy that made me not want to party anymore, I had greater aspirations for myself and wanted to be better at my career (at the time I was working for myself before joining his families business) I wanted to feel better mentally and physically, and I wanted a family. I felt he wanted the same too. So like a switch I stopped doing drugs and over drinking. I started to distance myself from the rag tag bunch that I did these activities with spent more time with career driven friends.

      Unfortunately my ex did not follow suit. He said he wanted to change but continued to abuse cocaine and drink all night. Multiple times I would have to cover him and show up to meetings in his place! He would fight me constantly about having guy time and was unwilling to separate from his druggy friends.

      6 months ago we started seeing a drug addiction couples counselor so we could set some boundaries. I also learned his ex fiancé and him broke up for similar reasons. The therapist suggested to being accountable. If the ex wants to go out then he is limited to 2 beers and has to be home by the time he says he will. However he broke that trust every 2 weeks. He go out with the guys, say he be home by 9. He arrives home at 1am strung out on coke. I would go to my parents for a week until he could learn what he was doing was wrong. His family even had an intervention telling him he’s engaged and needs to focus on family and the business but never punished him just kept giving affirmation. I felt his parents relied on me to take care of him and made sure he got better.

      This continued on like so even in quarantine. We started fighting everyday and the arguments began getting more heated. This last Monday he took it too far when he told me he was going out with friends and didn’t know when he’d be back. I calmly asked him if he was planning on getting high and what the expectations were. And just like a spark to lighter fuel he flipped the table over and started breaking and throwing my belongings. Screaming to get the F out of his house and he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He was screaming an inch from my face calling me a pathetic bitch.

      He also said” I’m so tired of you and our family expecting me to grow into the man I’m expected to be, I’m not ready to grow up” I called his mother in panic and all she could say to us “get some space, sorry”. I packed a bag and left our house to my parents.

      The next day he apologized for what he had done and that he missed me. I explained I wanted to move out and calmly he agreed. He asked if we broke up and I said I needed a month without him to see how I really felt.

      I’m so scared to leave because although I wrote all the horrible things, the sober person in him is a complete gentleman. He’s sweet, shows interest in my hobbies and gave support in tough or sad times (outside his addiction). Even my parents loved him and gave him their blessing.

      I’m trying not to blame myself for this because he does pay all the bills and takes care of me, he would constantly tell me I should cut him some slack and let him have a night a week to do what he wants for all that he has given. I just felt so strongly if we were going to start a family in the next few years he would need to kick the habit.

      Yesterday I packed my boxes while he was staying at his parents. When he came home he maliciously verbally abused me, shifting blame that I over reacted and the relationship failed because of me. Telling me that I didn’t work hard enough at his business and financially took advantage of him. That he wouldn’t be drinking and drugging if I wasn’t causing him so much stress. Telling me that he’s going to sober up and meet a better woman than me.

      I’m so heart broken and crying every night, I don’t know how I’m ever going to heal from this and I don’t know what to do moving forward because I love him so much but not when he’s like this.

    • #17232
      kel1
      Participant

      First off I’m sorry to hear yet another story that’s so very sadly destroyed by this drug.

      His behaviour is unacceptable, and it’s definitely NOT your fault – how can it be? It’s a cop out classic line “nagging wives/ girlfriends” etc don’t fall for all that noise. This is deflection, avoidance and likelihood of a “come down”. This drug changes people into awful human beings, when once like you said a giving, kind man. Well that’s not him anymore whist on that drug. Sadly it’s best to separate the two – I’ve heard alot of people describe it as “Jekyll and Hyde”. It’s as though these people on drugs are so removed from who they are it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with them let alone conversations that make any sense.

      None of this is your fault, and let’s face it how is getting off your face from that dangerously drug a good way to have “man time” it’s not and those people he does it with aren’t his friends either.

      As for him getting another women, well then let him be someone’s else’s problem, as if he continues this way you will go down like a sinking ship with him. Plus, he is hardly going to meet anyone decent and maintain the relationship the way he is.

      One day at a time. Try places like Al anon for support, and don’t do what I did which was trying to understand his behaviour/ things he says because it’s completely irrational. He isn’t of sound mind so none of it will make sense. They sit in a state of confusion. It’s a merry go round.

      Focus on you now, lots of self soothe and care.

      • #17233
        mm88
        Participant

        Thank you for the kind advice. I know moving out was the first step for self care. I’ll try to keep moving forward :-/

    • #17251
      sickworried
      Participant

      I just wanted to reach out and say my thoughts are with you. I am in the middle of it right now with my husband and it is unbearable. Please take care of yourself.

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