[caregiver19]

Hello all. I’m new to this group because I desperately need to talk to someone that understands what I’m going through.

My husband is an alcoholic. I just found out this year. But let me provide some background.

Last year my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. He ended up being in the hospital for a month due to complications from surgery. Then we endured six months of chemo which turned him into a person I didn’t recognize. When he was done with treatment, I thought FINALLY we can start to live our lives again and establish a new normal. Last winter I started noticing some odd behavior from my husband and thought they were just prolonged side effects from chemo. Well I got a dose of reality when he went to pick up our kid from a sleepover and never showed up. I was worried sick and my daughter and I tracked his phone to find him. He had crashed the car because he was drunk. That was when I found out he is an alcoholic.

His father was an alcoholic. He lived with us for years bc he was a widower and extremely depressed. We invited him to live with his family, foolishly thinking that family would fix him and of course it didn’t. I ended up kicking my father in law out when I came home with my son to find him passed out in the yard. We had given him warning after warning and I was scared my kids were getting old enough where I couldn’t hide it from them anymore. So I packed up all of his belongings and moved him out. He ended up dying a few years later. When I cleaned out his rented room, I found empty bottles of vodka. I am convinced he drank himself to death.

So here I am again but with my husband . Except now I have the added bonus of worrying about his cancer coming back. Will today be the day that he causes a bad car accident and get arrested? Or worse, seriously hurt himself or someone else? How do I protect my kids when they’ve been through so much already with his cancer? I have been protecting him and them from the truth for months. My teenager knows the truth now. She saw him come home drunk after he had disappeared again. I felt it was time to tell her the truth. I have told no one else in my family bc it’s humiliating. He missed work today on a very important day. Now I’m worried about him losing his job. I just don’t know what else to do. I love him and don’t know how to live without him but he’s not the same person. I’m exhausted and can’t take anymore.

[laurenellis123]

Hey huni I am just replying to your post because I am also new to this group and here for the same reasons as you. I just wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don’t I’m also at my wits end and in limbo on what to do next to chuck him out and let him get help on his own or to try my very hardest to get him back to the person I no he is? You are not alone I promise! Wil your husband seek any professional help on his own or is he in denial? My children are knowing exactly what is going on now too and this is why I’m here I want to protect them and make sure they know there mum is strong but I also want them to know I want to help him my children are still young 9 is my eldest but they are now afraid when he’s drinking as he completely changes! He’s a brilliant father 4 days of the week and the rest he’s on a bender or binge drinking for 12 hour and sleeping the rest. I’m scared he’s going to lose his job to. I wanted to reply to you so you know your not alone.

[caregiver19]

I can’t express how grateful I am for your reply. Your words “Hey huni” alone had me in tears bc I have had to put on a brave face and smile for so long when people keep asking “Hey, hows your husband doing?” (Because of his cancer). They don’t know what’s going on now. I am a very strong-willed person and last year people kept reminding me of that over and over again with his cancer. Though they meant well, what they didn’t realize is that strong people feel pain too. Sometimes more I think bc we are so busy trying to take care of everyone and we get lost. I don’t want to be that strong person anymore but I don’t have a choice bc of my kids.

Like you, I am at a crossroads and don’t know if I should keep him home for my kids and also so I can control something about the situation. Or do I send a strong message and kick him out until he can prove to me he has gotten professional help?

My husband isn’t a mean drunk. I can imagine what thats like for you bc my husband was very mean while on chemo. I can’t express how sorry I am that you and your kids have to experience that. My husband is a sloppy but dangerous drunk. He likes to disappear for hours and drink in secret. He turns off his phone so I can’t track him. Then to try to keep his secret and not make me suspicious, he will drive home. Last night he came home and could barely walk up the sidewalk. So my daughter and I hid his and my keys so he couldn’t drive. Today he wanted the keys to drive to work but I told him no. I drove him to work and will pick him until whenever I feel that he can be trusted again. I told him that he has hurt me enough and I’m not going to let him hurt anyone else. He has made a fool and now a liar out of me and I take my integrity and character seriously. So that is a whole other level of betrayal. I told him on the drive to work that I need him to stay gainfully employed and not drive until he can get his stuff together so we don’t lose everything and my kids don’t lose their father. He did agree that he needs professional help but I’ll believe it when I see it. He also told me during the drive that he has been secretly drinking for a month. That’s his, and was his fathers way of doing it. He drinks in secret until he gets caught….stays sober for a while…..starts drinking again in secret….gets caught….and repeat. He admitted that’s he’s been drinking in secret in our home too. I can’t trust him in or outside of our home. So what do I do with that? I just don’t know. But thank you for listening to me vent. It means more than you know.

[caregiver19]

I didn’t sleep well last night and my head is killing me. I hate him for putting us through the hell of six months of chemo and the hellish side effects, just to throw it all away for a drink. And I hate myself for sometimes wishing he didn’t make it just so he could have left us with dignity and so we would miss him. I know that sounds awful. I do. I love my husband and don’t know how to live without him bc I never have. We are high school sweethearts but I’ve been through this hell with his dad and I know how it will end.

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