[bluexxx]

I am not sure where to start,
its been an emotional rollercoaster the past couple of months. I guess i can say its always been this way, i should be used to it, My brothers addiction to alcohol is a never ending nightmare and its come to the point where i dont want to live anymore.

I have wrote a few posts on here, but havent had much of a response, i am not complaining im grateful to have a place where i can express how i am feeling without fear, but its also a very lonely place when our reality is a dark and grim as mine.

My brother has been drinking heavily since he was 16, at first i thought it was a phase or a rocky patch but it has got that bad now that he has been given medication to stop him from drinking. He was clean for 2 weeks and i can safley say it was the best 2 weeks of my life it was nice to have the brother i know i love back, but my worst fears came true and the demon drink has yet again taken over and the brother i loved has gone.
i have never known anyone to be so violent and abusive to women when he is drunk, to me exspecially, i defend my mother all the time and rather have him attack me than her. he becomes disturbingly scary and has a look that could kill. he rarely talks to me when he is sober and absoultley despises me when he is drunk, the anger fills the walls of our home and i feel like i am living on the front line in a foreign country. Im scared of going to the bathroom at night as he learks behind the cracks of the doors, he creeps up behind me when i least excpect it, hes there one minute than gone the next.
i watch my back constantly because my brother is unprediactble, im afraid of him.
my parents seemt o see his side and stick up for him, but when he is uncontrollable i am the only one to defend them, they turn to me for help but when i stand my ground and try to defend myself they turn on me and blame me for the arguments.
I can say i am stressed and anxious all the time, nobody sees the distress our household is under, i have been very poorly after being daignosed with a inhearited bone diease, my brother knew of my bad news and decided to get drunk and attack me, again my parents looked at me with daggers as they didnt want to acuse him because they were scared so they targeted me with there feelings as they know i wouldnt react.
but something inside me sort of snapped, i felt as if i was bending in half. every direction i looked someone was there pointing the finger at me. i question my own sanity at times.I feel as if im going crazy…

my brother is back working again but he was caught drinking on the job, smoking weed. and acting as if it was a normal thing to do. he spend every last coin of his on booze. He has stolen and lied and constantly starts fights each and everyday when he doesnt get his own way.
once upon a time i knew him, but now i dont have a clue of who or what he is. He seems so evil, words just dont cut it.
its a scary place to be, and a do fear for anyone who he meets or hangs with him, his disturbing behaviour will cause him a great deal of trouble if he decides to show anyone his real self.

I have a place of my own, and my own family to look after, i constantly threat about my mum and dad and other brother who is suffering with a eating disorder. that they need to do something before its too late. My alcoholic brother has already ripped the lining of his stomach, he already has major health problems due to drinking to much, hes still recovering from alcohol poisoning but continues to drink more and more to get intoxicated so the side effects of the previous binge settles and more is pumped into him to help him forget.
i dont understand why he would want to make it worse for himself, but i am not in the place where his mind ism i have tried everything to try and save him from himself but i am drowing in the process im killing myself slowly.

i am unsure to why my parents wont back me up, they except so much of me but i too except just a little bit back from them. I just feel like a china doll with so many strings and i am exhausted trying to understand why i am abused by him, why his anger is targeted at me. if he steals off me why should i be blamed, maybe i am the one closest to them but i no in my heart i do not deserve to be abused by my brother just beause he has an addiction…
i am very caring and patient… i have gone to hell and back to make him see that we love him and that he can quit the habit. things do not haveto be like this…but he has chosen his addiction over his family and said ” if he had it his way id be gone for good” i already feel like a broken woman…. i may not get a response at home i may not get a response on here.. but i am eternally grateful i can voice my feelings today right at this very second because one day it will be too late,,,

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