[bunnyblue]

I’m the daughter of an alcoholic mother. Sadly as I child I didn’t understand to what extent alcoholics lied for their own selfish ends. So when I was told repeatedly (both when she was drunk or sober) that it was all my fault, I believed her. I’d ask my dad was it true you wanted a son ( I was 3 rd girl ) he’d say “ I can not tell a lie….yes it would have been nice”. I took this as confirmation, IT WAS ALL MY FAULT! My mom said he hated her and the fighting/arguments were because she hadn’t given him a son. Lie. They fought because she was a binge drinker. But I didn’t realise this until I’d left childhood well behind. I hated my dad during those years. I spent many years following guilt ridden trying to fruitlessly make him proud of me to make up for it. A massively critical dad ( who to this day admits he wishes I’d been a boy) made this an impossible task, which in the past 5 years I have given up on ( I’m 56!). My childhood was confusing, frightening and emotionally crushing and has left me feeling totally worthless. So what did I do? I marry a drinker who I believe when they say once they are married they will quit. 30 years later after so many lies and being manipulated into believing it’s all my fault, I’m done.I see no hope, no future. My beautiful children have left home (I’ve had joy in my life from them for 25 years). There is still a voice that no matter how hard I try to reason with, that will not stop telling me I am defective, mentally unbalanced and to blame in some way for my husbands drinking. That voice has a partner in crime in the form of my husband who resents the love our children give me and puts me down endlessly. I have fought for years not to drown in the sea of dispair. So desperately wanting it all to end but conscious of how the easy way out would affect my children. My mother had made 3 suicide attempts when I was 7, 10 and 12 ( timed she confessed recently so I’d get home in time from school to get help) . I’m ashamed at how I’m moaning but feel lighter for my winge. It’s happened, move on. I can’t because it’s the endless lies and manipulation I’m still embroiled in. How can any human being be such a selfish, manipulative and proficient liar. How can the love and support of their family not be enough. What drives them to destroy other people’s lives. And how could I let history repeat its self?

[cmxx]

Dear Bunny Blue,

I am so sorry to hear of what a hard time you have had. I am very glad you have such loving children though.

If you ever feel like things are too much, please call Samaritans to talk it out on 116 123.

Best wishes,

Clara x

[icarus-trust]

Hi Bunny Blue,

Thanks for posting your story. I am so sorry that life has been so difficult for you, and how other people’s drinking has left you feeling.

Clare is right, the Samaritans would be really good to talk to if it gets all too much to bear.

Meanwhile, you might find it helpful to know about a charity called The Icarus Trust that provides support for people who are having to deal with addictive behaviours of family members. We know how hard it is for people in your situation and talking to one of our experienced, trained people might help you. Everything would be in complete confidence.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you.

[Author]

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