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So me and my fiancé got together in 2017. At that point I knew he liked a drink and I knew he occasionally did cocaine on a night out but he managed it and it never got out of hand.
Fast forward to 2023, we are planning our wedding, have a house and a 3 year old daughter and the drug and alcohol abuse has got really bad. He doesn’t drink every day and he doesn’t take drugs every day but when he does he will get some cocaine on the way home from work so that he can go to the pub, have a drink and have cocaine. His excuse is “at the bottom of his pint glass is his drug dealers number” and “the drugs sober me up so I can drink more”.
He has started becoming more and more aggressive. He will say the most awful and hurtful things. He has put holes in my doors. Smashed up glasses. Put dents in worktops. Thrown his phone across the room. Tried to drag me out of bed….. the list seems to be endless now.
It hit a new low recently when I came downstairs one morning with our daughter, after he had been on a binge and I found a bag of cocaine in the middle of our lounge, thankfully our daughter didnt get hold of it!
After this incident he stopped going out with certain people, he joined the gym and became really proactive in trying to stop but has since slipped back into the same old habits.
Because he doesn’t drink and take drugs every day he doesn’t think he has a problem and he says he knows people that are far worse that him so he seems to think it’s acceptable!
I love him, there is no doubt about that but I’m starting to think that love might just not be enough anymore!
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Hi mate, I hope you’re okay and thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately it’s a story that so many of us know all too well. I myself, am a recovering cocaine addict and was once exactly where your partner was in many ways. From what you have shared it seems to me he is at a cross roads. He as you mentioned, shares with you when he has done it which is a huge positive but you may of fallen into a place where he feels there isn’t too many consequences of his actions. After the incident with the packet on the floor you made it clear you wasn’t happy and he took action which shows he does value your relationship and respects your wishes but cocaine is a sneaky drug that grips hold of a person and often cam take someone with the purest of hearts and make them do things tbey im a sober state would not. A little time has pasted and the dog house is behind him so he would think well I haven’t got on it in a while and I won’t be so stupid this time so there is no harm.
I think at this point the most important thing is clear honest communication. You need to set boundaries and make it clear what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. Equally, it’s really important that you ask him if there is deeper meaning to his use, if he is struggling with anything that may be effecting his head and also if he feels that it isn’t something he can control. If that is the case then, the most powerful tool for recovery is support. Support him and try establish a space that he feels comfortable to talk to you about things.
No body has ever chosen to become an addict, it isn’t something you wake up and day and say “you know what would be a great idea, I’m going to get bang on the gear and upset the Mrs and ruin my relationship” but it happens time and time again as I am an example of someone who lost the love of their life to addiction and no matter how much I wish I could, I can never go back and right the wrongs I put us through.
The people down the pub are not the people who will be there for you on your darkest day your partner and your family are. The night of fun on the gear with your pals is not worth a single second of a happy family life.
Talk to your partner tell him how you feel and let him know how it Is effecting you and as a team try to work out how you are going to get through it.
He is a lucky man to have someone in his life who cares about him still despite his struggles and I hope that together you can overcome this.
If he needs someone to talk to, I’m always on here and can talk to him too so he will know what will be waiting for him if he pushes you away due to cocaine.
I honestly wish you both the best
Stay strong, love eachother, support eachother and there is a better life waiting on the other side.
James x
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Hi Abecca
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It is concerning that he seems to be escalating his aggressive behaviour and that is not ok under any circumstances His behaviour towards you is abusive, and drink or drugs is no excuse for that.
He won’t get help or change unless he acknowledges he has a problem and also gets help. Sounds like he needs to work on controlling his emotions and stress better.
Please set clear boundaries and stick to them ,- something I am not great at doing myself and now I feel I’ve got into such a mess with my husband … His use wasn’t very day even when he racked up £kkk in debt …but it more or less is daily now and it’s a miserable life ????
Also please, if haven’t already, start thinking of safety planning, we always think they would never cause actual harm but its better to be prepared.. so think about what you would need to do for keeping you and yiur daughter safe… A friend/relative to stay with in an emergency , phone numbers /websites for women’s aid, refuge etc – lots of info online.
Wishing you strength and peace Xx
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NO. Is the answer to your question. Love is NOT enough. Get your baby and yourself away from him. Neither of you are safe.
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Hi Abbeca1,
I agree with thistim3, you cannot bring up a child in this environment. Don’t let him normalise this, it’s not safe for you and definitely not for your child.
Please remove yourself and your child from this relationship before it’s too late. In another year your child will start to understand too much and could be permanently damaged.
Yes you love him, but it’s not going to get better, only worse ( believe me I speak from experience, my late husband was an alcoholic and it got progressively worse, I had to leave with my Son ).
Think about it, the fact that you are sending out a message on this site is enough to tell you that this is a serious problem. Get out of it!
Wishing you all the strength in the world, think of your little girl, she does not deserve to be damaged by his behaviour.
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