[lauraj]

Hi everyone, I’m a bit nervous posting on here publicly as this is an issue that I have kept to myself for a while (out of fear that my family and friends might judge my partner).

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 year and a half, and found out that he takes cocaine regularly with his friends about 3 months in. He said that he used to be ‘so much worse’ than he is now, but I still think he is addicted.

Every weekend without fail he will have his mates round or go out to the pub and they will all drink (a lot) and take coke until about 7 in the morning. He will then spend the rest of the weekend feeling horrendous with a headache and waste his days away in bed. This is obviously having a massive impact on me and our relationship.

I have tried to speak to him about it and he will agree that he probably has a issue with it and he says he will try and calm down with both drinking and drugs, yet a few days later he’s at it again. His friends all take it, so this obviously doesn’t help, and he is a completely different person that I do not recognise when he is high (one that I do not like to be around as he is very depressive and constantly repeats things, so you cannot communicate with him whatsoever).

He knows that I do not like this lifestyle that he chooses to lead yet I have tried my best to be understanding, but it is worsening my anxiety as he also does risky things when he is on drugs (like getting in his mates car for a drive who is also drunk/high). I do not like to tell people how to live their lives so I am very close to walking away from the situation.

I am at the end of my tether..any advice or information would be very welcome and appreciated. Thank you.

[debc]

Hi LauraJ,

Welcome to the Forum.

My Son (29) is an addict and has been for over 10 years, he is doing ok at the moment, but constantly living on egg shells is not ideal.

If I’m honest, I would have to walk away from the situation that you are in at the moment, because unless he wants to stop, he’s never going to change. As you said they change when they are taking the drugs and they are not very nice people to be around, then when it has worn off they do nothing but sleep and be miserable. It is also a very costly habit.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is very draining and heartbreaking being involved with an addict.

Taking care of you and your anxiety is most important.

Keep in touch and know that you are not on your own.

Take care.

Dx

[lauraj]

Hi Deb,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I do think I’m going to end the relationship as I can’t see things changing while he is friends with this same group – he is 28 now and shows no signs of stopping or slowing down. I would never tell him who he can or can’t be mates with so I think it’s best for me to just remove myself from the situation completely.

I did not have to seek treatment for my anxiety until I was with him so I’m wondering if this whole situation made it worse. His behaviour is also erratic and I never know where I stand with him. One minute he will tell me how much he loves me and the next I’m ‘so judgemental and need to loosen up a bit and I’m apparently ‘highly strung’ for having these concerns.

It’s been a huge burden for a while now and I can’t cope with it anymore, especially because he now argues with me a lot and puts less effort into our relationship.

Again, thank you for your advice and I hope your son continues to do well with his recovery.

Best wishes,

Laura

[ash2013]

Hi LauraJ,

I couldnt read and not reply. My husband was a coke addict and is 11 months clean, after 15 years of using on and off (mostly on).

He has finally realised that he cannot pick it up and put it down, it takes hold, reels you in and makes you a different person. He would love to be able to do it a few times a year, but he cannot. And he also cannot drink now either, as it lowers his control defences.

If you are young, and have no children, and can leave. I agree with Deb, you should really do that. If he sorts himself out then you can get back together, but why should you live in this constant state of anxiety.

I have PTSD from the years of living with an addict, I dont speak openly for fear of being shouted down (even though that wouldnt happen now he’s clean) I worry if he sees certain people, If he comes home from work in a funny mood I wonder, if he’s overly happy I wonder.

Honestly, take a look at your life and realise that your happiness is the most important thing, and if he’s not making you happy all the time then thats a problem.

Sending love x

[lauraj]

Hi Ash,

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yes I think that’s one of the main issues – all of his friends do it whenever they have a drink (even if this is just a chilled one at someone’s house) so I can’t even go out for a drink or two with him as I don’t like being around it. I can’t build a future with him as I don’t think we could live under the same roof since he is so irresponsible – he has even had drug dealers knocking on his door looking for his mates due to all of their involvement and I cannot believe he would put his loved ones at risk like that. We are not married with kids so it would be easy enough for me to leave him.

He is patronising sometimes when I try and speak to him about it, saying I’m like a teacher he’s scared to see in case I ‘tell him off’. He also let me down with plans a lot due to being hungover from drink and drugs and I know that I deserve better than this.

Again, thank you for your advice and I’m pleased that your husband is clean now! 🙂

Best wishes,

Laura

[ash2013]

Hi Laura,

Honestly darling, go and find someone who deserves your love.

Life as the partner of a drug user is no life. We have a child together and that made me choose this path, but had we not had her I would have been gone. It pushes and pushes you.

Be happy and live your life. There are good people out there.

xx

[icarus-trust]

Hi LauraJ

Thank you for sharing your story. Its very hard when you don’t feel able to talk with family and friends but I’m glad you’ve found this site as there are some really good people on here who I’m sure will help you.

If you feel that it would be helpful please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that provides support for families around an addict as we know how hard that can be for everyone.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[Author]

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