[smiler101]

Hi, I would really appreciate some advice. I have been with my partner for over 15 years and we have 2 small children. I found out a couple of years ago that my partner took cocaine at a friend’s party which was a huge shock to me. He admitted it, said he hated it and that he had done it once before too. I give him an ultimatum that if he ever done it again we were over. He promised it would never happen again and I believed him.

Since this happened at a friend’s party I have always been suspicious/paranoid of his behaviour, this is where I need the advice because I don’t know if I am over thinking it or if it is blaintly obvious, but I am pretty sure he is taking cocaine in our house. I havent found anything so I have no concrete evidence but his behaviour etc is what’s making me think this.

To put it short, he has friend’s that take cocaine regularly and the majority of them deal. He often nips out on a Saturday on his own and says he going to the shop or lending his friends something etc and I have a feeling this is when he is buying it.

Every Friday/Saturday night without fail goes like this… opens a can or 2, 10 mins later he goes to the toilet, if I am downstairs he goes to the upstairs toilet, and if I am upstairs he goes to the downstairs toilet. He’s in there aboit 5-10 mins. He then comes out and randomly has a runny nose. Throughout the night he is back and forwards to the toilets and he is sniffing all night. I end up going to bed earlier than him because I can’t stand to be near him, it’s like he just changes on a weekend. We put a film on and he talks all the way through it, and I have noticed he can never give me eye contact.

He stays up until 3-4am sometimes later, when he does come to bed, he is up and down blowing his nose etc and just generally faffing about before falling asleep.

Sundays he stays in bed until around dinner time and spends the rest of the day blowing his nose. Monday comes and he is back to work and again he’s back to his normal self.

Now this is every weekend without fail.

I have never taken cocaine before so I don’t know if all this is me being paranoid. I havent asked him because I have no concrete evidence and I know he would deny it if I asked him with no proof. I have searched all his belongings, and I have not found anything.

I’ve also noticed there is really fine scratches on my toilet window sill, some diagonal and horizontal lines. Could this also be a sign?

Apologies for the long post.

[warriorgurl]

Hi, sounds ???? like he is doing coke. That’s exactly the pattern my bf is in. You should confront him (when you’re sure he’s not high). Don’t tell him all the ways in which you know as he will then get cleverer about hiding it. Good luck and be strong! Stronger than me, I should have left my bf ages ago

[smiler101]

Hi warriorgurl,

Thank you. I need to get the courage and come straight out and ask him. Deep down I really feel like he is but part of me is in denial that he would do this in the house where our kids are.

How are things now with you and your bf? I think I read a few of your posts at the weekend too.

[warriorgurl]

I only just joined today so it wouldn’t have been my posts you have read! But like so many on here that I’ve seen, I’m with a man who does cocaine, and does it in the house when his kids are there (which is absolutely abhorrent – and for you, I think that is the biggest thing to make your husband wake up to himself). Does he smoke / drink / gamble? These are all addictive behaviours and go hand in hand with drug addiction. My bf does all three. We broke up over it, and then got back together when he promised he’d stop doing it. Surprise surprise, he hasn’t! And I hate that feeling of sadness, anxiety, and just resigned disappointment.

Happy to chat any time, I’m glad I found this forum as part of me was starting to feel like “am I just being controlling? Shouldn’t he be allowed to have some fun?” But cocaine is a horrible horrible drug – I have done it before but only once or twice, and I hated it. I didn’t feel anything good, and felt shocking for days afterwards. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to do it!

[smiler101]

Sorry must have been a similar name ????

How did you confront your partner? Did you have proof he was taking it or were you just suspicious like me?

Part of me wants to just find something, I have searched the bins on a Sunday morning in the hope I would find the slightest clue, but nothing. He is either really clever at hiding or I really am paranoid ????

The main clue for me is the scratch lines on out window sills. There’s one going along and then 3 parallel going down, literally in line with where you would do it if you were sitting on the toilet seat.

I have never done coke before so I have no idea anything about it really. He has a couple of friends that deal, more than one has already been locked up.

Although it’s not nice reading or hearing other people’s stories it kind of helps to know I am not the only one in this position.

I joined a while ago but never posted incase people thought I was stupid for not just getting to the point and asking him.

[warriorgurl]

No you’re not being stupid. You start telling yourself that you’re overreacting, that you’re being paranoid, and then you’re worried about their reaction when you do confront them.

I didn’t need to confront my bf, he admitted it – it’s almost like he’s proud of it ???? I’m going to have a conversation with him tonight and just say it’s me or the drugs. I don’t want to live like this, in this perpetual cycle of anxiety and depression and worry.

If you want proof, try checking jeans pockets and his wallet, although you said earlier you’d searched his belongings. If he’s going to a mate’s house then maybe he leaves it there? Hopefully if you have kids he’s not stupid enough to leave a stash in a hiding place at your home.

I’m so sorry for you, it’s horrible isn’t it. But the sooner you confront him / ask him, the sooner you’ll be able to make a decision and what to do going forward.

[smarker]

Oh girls I’m so sorry to hear your stories! Very similar to mine. Feel free to read my previous posts. It 100% sounds like he is doing cocaine. It’s such a huge giveaway. I literally turned insane I checked everywhere but I did always find something. Believe it or but hiding it in their socks seems to be the norm now days! I left my partner and literally left the country. But we are back together now and he’s 6 months without anything. If he ever went back to his old ways Id be gone and he knows it. But It really does drive you insane. They say the partner of an addict is most effected. Makes you question everything! Even though my partner is clean I still to this day doubt him and overthink/paranoid. It’s awful but please don’t do this alone. This forum has helped me so much and talking to friends and family. But sit him down and stick to your word. Stay strong xxxx

[danman83]

Hiya hope your OK.

I’m coming up to 11 week clean from cocaine after 11 years of using. I’ve tried for years to stop but I finally joined CA anonymous and I’ve been clean since.

Anyways.. I’ll be honest he just exactly sounds like me. I was always in the toilet using on my own. I definitely couldn’t make eye contact with my gf. It makes you edgy and full of anxiety. Again I talked alway through a film. The sniffing is a major give a way.

I hid the coke in my sock. But I also hid it undersomething in the bathroom. Also look for traces of white powder on the floor as it can drop there.

Alcohol is a main trigger for coke, I can have 1 sip of beer and I’m on phone to my dealer. That’s how quick it is. I now can’t drink alcohol ever again if I don’t want coke. And I’m not even an alcoholic.

You could buy an online drug test try ebay or amazon. Ask him take it sat night see what he says. Or tell him after he has used the toilet not to flush its broke, and test it your self lol. Or just hope he doesn’t flush anyway.

Also loss of appetite when on coke no one eats on it. With his mates dealing, having drinks with them, I doubt he doesn’t do it. Its just today’s society its everywhere.

Feel free to ask me anything

[smiler101]

Danman that is amazing. Well done you. I have read many of your posts and you should be so very proud.

I have plucked the courage up to ask him today and he has denied it. Which I knew he would do. He knows that he would be out of our house and back at his mums if I found out so I wasn’t surprised he denied it. I dont know what else I can do.

I think he thinks I am so naive and clueless (which I am in a way) but I feel like he’s treating me like a mug.

I have thought about getting some tests online but wasn’t sure how accurate they were or if he would actually do one. And I know this is insane but I have been tempted to plant the go pro behind a plant pot as the downstairs toilet rarely gets used, infact it’s only him that uses it on a weekend ???? but I didnt really want to do that.

I have even checked search history on his computer, he sits on betting sites until 3-4am every weekend.

Deep down I just hope I am wrong.

[danman83]

BTW it’s so easy to hide it. It’s only a small bag. I use put my empty ones in tissue and flush down the toilet. When it’s wearing off it sends u depressed for days and suicidal in alot of people. This is one of the main reasons I want to quit.

[danman83]

Thanks for that 🙂

Addicts are good liars, and I would of done the same if it means me getting kicked out, I think most of us would lie.

Just read the reviews of the test, and get the best one. What’s a go pro? A camera?

I have a downstairs toilet, weekends I used in there only lol. It’s crazy how we all think alike.

I only bet on sites when I was on coke aswell. Not all do it. But it seems like he uses in the house on his own. Which was my problem. It’s embarrassing really but what happens what a Councillor told me is that.. At 1st it was party’s or pubs, using going out. Then I stopped going out. But I was addicted by then and didn’t know. Then I started using on my own downstairs. Getting it dropped off at 4am. Getting it posted through the letterbox or on the wheel of my car.

You should always go with your gut feelings. Why the hell is he sniffing all the time. Apart of me feels guilty telling people these things who are not addicts, because I’m an addict and I wouldn’t want to see me on the streets. But he obviously needs help. If he is doing it. And on his own. If he refuses to take a test. There’s your answer. If he says the test don’t work, there’s your answer.

[smarker]

Hey Danman! Your posts have helped me so much. Thank you for your personal story on here. Can I please ask you a random question. As you have been very open about your previous addicted, would you say it’s possible to just have 1 bit ? Say at work in the afternoon then come home as normal, eat dinner, have snacks etc if you’d had it earlier in the day? And no changes to personality/eyes/etc. How long does it last? My partner wants me with him every day, not in a weird obsessive way but he says he sleeps better and feels better when I’m here (We do live together but I have my own house too so sometimes have a night on my own) I would know straight away when he was using before but he is 6 months clean now so he says, no alcohol or gambling either but I still worry alot even when there’s sometimes no reason to. I suppose if I see a slight change I assume the worse. Most days his nose is runny some more than others but he thinks he’s done damage from years of abuse? There’s no obvious signs apart from one night his mouth tasted funny and he had a really hot neck (random I know!) Which I mentioned to him and nothing.. Crazy how this turns us into detectives I hate it. I’m trying my best to trust him and put my faith into him but I can’t help but worry. He knows I’d leave if it happened again x

[danman83]

Thanks for that.

It is possible, but if you are bad on coke or have it, 1 little bit is nothing, it will lead to another bag then another bag. When the bag runs out u just want more and more until you have no money or dealer won’t give u any lays. After each line or key it last 20 mins roughly. But the more you have and the longer you take it, you just get worse and worse. In behaviour, anxiety, paranoia, eyes popping out. I’d think its pointless him just having a bit at work. But that’s just guessing. Just keep an eye on his behaviour. No drinking what so ever as this triggers coke. His eyes popping out, anxiety, talking alot, not looking at you in the eyes, staying up late, loss of appetite.

Just buy a drug testing kit of ebay or amazon and tell him take it. And that you just want piece of mind, and then you will both get on better. You just need to know. If my gf asked me now, I’d say fair enough, as I know I haven’t took anything. Just make sure he’s not eaten anything with poppy seeds in. Like certain bread. It comes up you have had heroin.

Trust is the best thing in a relation ship, so just have a amicable chat about it all.

[smarker]

Thank you. We have drug tests already at home but I think because he’s done so well I don’t want to go backwards by starting to drug test him again. He doesn’t drink anymore but occasionally he has at xmas and new year and he was a very different drunk! He struggles to sleep some nights and has been very open that he struggles with anxiety (ever since he stopped taking that it’s come to light) I’m not into drugs at all but he does sometimes smoke marijuana. Mainly at night which helps him sleep? Would this hide it?

[smiler101]

This is going to sound really strange danman but can I ask a personal question too… if your girlfriend asked you outright when you were taking it, would you have told the truth or lied about it? What is the best way to approach to get the truth from someone who is taking it? I feel I have took the wrong approach now by threatening to kick him out ????

I have just ordered cocaine detection wipes and I am going to try them on the window sill where the scratches are.

Also can I ask when you were doing it at home on your home, how many times would you take it/how often? Would the runny nose come on immediately after the ‘toilet trip’ and would you then spend the following day blowing your nose?

Again I am so sorry for all the personal questions. You comments on mine and other posts are so very helpful.

Smarker – you sound just like me. Its the constant thought of am I just being paranoid or is this real.

My partner denied it all yesterday and hasn’t spoke to me since. And now I’m sat thinking surely if someone is innocent they would want prove/argue their innocence. But no, I’ve not had a single word from him since his one word denial.

[danman83]

Funny you ask that because I’d always deny it soon as she asked me. And she could tell I was on it then storm bed sometimes. Then I’d go wake her up at 4am or even earlier and say.. I’m sorry your right I’d did use it. As it sent me on a downer I told her everything this was more or less everytime. I think this is because I really want to stop.

I’d normally but 2 bags at 1st. Toilet every 30 mins. The 1st time your nose just becomes really runny. I’ve always had hay-fever as a kid and problems with my nose so I have always got tissue on me lol Im constantly blowing my nose. This has been since primary.

But yes course the next day you will be blowing your nose alot. It will have all dry coke up there and dry snot and so on. And your constantly blowing it. Plus I had blood everytime I blew. But not bleeding bad. It just takes away the inside gradually I imagine

[smiler101]

Hi Danman, thank you so much for all your help. So the wipes came and I wiped all over over downstairs toilet and there it was, all over! I am absolutely heartbroken. He admitted it all and is glad I know because he would like to stop. He doesn’t think it’s a problem however I have my concerns because he admitted on his last night out that he tried so hard not to have any but he ended up doing it.

He has been really open and honest with me, I have asked him to delete this person’s number but I really don’t think that is going to help because if he really wanted some then all his mates do it anyway so he could easily get his hands on some.

I have told him I am concerned about him drinking and this triggering it. He said he doesn’t want to cut out alcohol and that he wants to see how it goes after he’s had a drink to see if it is or is not an addiction, then take it from there.

I have literally just stopped crying from it all. He has agreed to doing the tests to put my mind at ease, i just feel like I can’t relax now its the weekend.

[danman83]

So sorry for this late reply, I have only just seen it.

I know he was, that was clearly all the signs. I hope your OK.

If he tried so hard not to have it then got it, he clearly is addicted to coke. He needs to delete everyone to do with coke really. I can just text my mate and ask have u got that dealers num? So I delete anyone who knows dealers lol. Or I tell them do not give me that num.

He’s talking like an addict. I can see it a mile off. I’m the same. He’s buying time to use. He’s gonna quit coke but still have a drink to see if it is that?? Everyone knows soon as you have a drink your getting coke, plus if he is using just coke with out alcohol. That’s worse. He might able go without a week or 2 having a drink without coke and that’s it. Soon as you have a drink and u have 1 thought of coke, you are literally powerless to overcome these cravings.

How’s he doing now? Are you OK?

[danman83]

It could be because of the cocaine use he suffers with anxiety. Or he did before and that’s why he took coke. To boost confidence and then it causes anxiety. Bit strange how it causes confidence then anxiety lol.

What would the weed hide sorry?

[smarker]

Yeah he suffered from it for a while and took the cocaine to make him feel better so he said, then addiction came. He’s been very open and honest. He even wrote a letter about everything. Would weed hide the effects if he had taken cocaine?

[danman83]

Ye it’s just one vicious circle.

Normally people I know, and I have aswell. If they have any weed, they smoke this when the coke as run out. It’s to take the edge off the comedown and probably try and get them to sleep. Theres no point in having coke feeling up or off your tits and smoking weed at the same time. There totally opposite drugs. One is and up and the other is a down or relaxer. So weed normally comes after coke. But some do have it together.

I guess it could slow you down and mellow you out so your not as bad from the coke. If this makes sence

[smarker]

That’s the thing. It’s hard to know what’s happening but I know truth always comes to light so I suppose I’ll have to believe in him until proven otherwise. And I do have the tests available if I have concerns. Thank you for your help. Good luck with the rest of your journey x

[danman83]

Well have a good positive weekend anyway, thanks very much ????

[llm888]

My boyfriend is a coke addict in denial. he told me he only did it on special nights out with his friends but he had stress in his life with work last year and injured his back really bad so was prescribed pain medication. So this became his pattern :-

Stress, drink, coke more coke so high then back meds to sleep taking enough drugs to floor and elephant. Nearly lost his career and is still on the line with that. I could see it spiralling out of control but I also know there is nothing I can do. We are not financially attached I have my own home and I have my own life friends etc so I take care of myself. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him and if there was anything I could do to help him I would but I can’t. Not until he wants to help himself.

We split for 4 months he told me he is getting help from his work with the booze and pain meds but he can’t disclose about coke as he would loose his job. He is back at work, training hard in gym but I know he’s still doing coke. So it’s only a matter of time til it goes more and more down hill again. I know when he does it the same old tell tell signs sniffing, nose running, wired, heart racing, gunning taste when I kiss him, I have evening experienced a numb lips when I kissed him in the earlier days disgusting I don’t kiss him now I know. He try’s now to keep it from me as I left him and he was devastated and I know he doesn’t want to loose me again and I love him and I will be here fir him but I safe guard myself in every way but like I say it’s sad. I am posting here because I want to know if there are any one here that can give me any tips or anything to say that can help. I think really only rehab when he’s ready can help him it’s been 15 years of drug abuse for him I hate cocaine it ruins everyone’s lives. Thank you in advance

[llm888]

My boyfriend is a coke addict in denial. he told me he only did it on special nights out with his friends but he had stress in his life with work last year and injured his back really bad so was prescribed pain medication. So this became his pattern :-

Stress, drink, coke more coke so high then back meds to sleep taking enough drugs to floor and elephant. Nearly lost his career and is still on the line with that. I could see it spiralling out of control but I also know there is nothing I can do. We are not financially attached I have my own home and I have my own life friends etc so I take care of myself. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him and if there was anything I could do to help him I would but I can’t. Not until he wants to help himself.

We split for 4 months he told me he is getting help from his work with the booze and pain meds but he can’t disclose about coke as he would loose his job. He is back at work, training hard in gym but I know he’s still doing coke. So it’s only a matter of time til it goes more and more down hill again. I know when he does it the same old tell tell signs sniffing, nose running, wired, heart racing, funny chemical taste when I kiss him, I have evening experienced a numb lips when I kissed him in the earlier days disgusting I don’t kiss him now I know. He try’s now to keep it from me as I left him and he was devastated and I know he doesn’t want to loose me again and I love him and I will be here fir him but I safe guard myself in every way but like I say it’s sad. I am posting here because I want to know if there are any one here that can give me any tips or anything to say that can help. I think really only rehab when he’s ready can help him it’s been 15 years of drug abuse for him I hate cocaine it ruins everyone’s lives. Thank you in advance

[smiler101]

I totally understand what you’re saying and I was also thinking the same ????

I feel like he is telling me everything I want to hear right now but doesn’t mean it. I am following him all over, when he nips to the toilet I am sat at the stairs waiting for him, he went to his mams yesterday and I just kept thinking he was going to buy some. I feel bad because I have told him how much it has affected me over the past few months. I am on medication for my mental health and Im constantly thinking that I must not be good enough for him, or have i given him a reason to take cocaine.

I’ve asked him if he would tell me if he ever felt or thought about getting some and he said he would. But he also asked me to stop talking about it because he has absolutely no interest in it at all.

But I cant just forget about it. I find myself asking him questions daily and I am worried if this is an addiction, am I making it every more difficult for him with my constant questions and concerns.

The first day he said he would delete the number, then a couple of days later he said no because it is a mate that he has known for years and he doesn’t want to cut him out.

I just don’t know what to do for the best, am I best just letting him get on with it and try and trust him, or do I keep checking he is OK, had no cravings, not going to buy any etc. I have been an absolute b**ch to him and I regret the way I went on massively ????

We both had a little drink last night, he only had 3 bottles of lager, the whole time I just sat with him thinking do I need to keep him entertained so he doesn’t think about it. we sat up until he decided it was time to go to bed and he even left half his bottle of lager which he never does.

So I think it has now been 2 weeks since he had any. I suppose time will tell ????

[danman83]

Listen its nothing to do with you, stop beating yourself up about this, you will make yourself ill. If anything you are too good for him.

I always said to my gf if I get cravings I’d tell her. Sometimes I did. A lot I never. Your addictive brain does not want to own up to it really. I guess it depends how strong you are.

If he’s been using longer than 6 month, he’s addicted. You don’t have to use every day to be addicted.mine was every few week. Or once a week. If you always come back to it. Your addicted, or every payday. It’s up to u what you want to do. At the end of the day, you can mither him as much as you want. An addict will get what he wants if he wants it.

Having the 12 steps and a sponsor, I have good tools to help me. I was in a bad way last night and felt like using. I can’t really say on here why. But I phoned my sponsor and had a good chat and I felt OK after. But it was hard for me last night and I know I’ve got a long way to go. And summer just around the corner. I’m not looking forward to it

[lindyloo]

Hi Danman83, you must be so proud of yourself and what you have achieved so far..

Of course you will have difficult spells, but at least as you say, you have the strategies in place.

My son is also still doing well. Almost 6 months clean, I’m so pleased for him and also proud as I know he’s had difficult times.

His support from his sponsor and fellowship have been brilliant, I wish I could thank them. He’s got to the stage where he is now helping others too.

Stay strong Dan, you are doing brilliant, and helping and supporting others here too!

Keep on doing what you’re doing, the summer will be memorable for you, spending time with your family, my son has told me the fellowship is all over the world. He says hed like to travel once we’re all able to. He got a bike too, and enjoys golf now, so hopefully the summer months will keep him busy.

Take care , stay strong

Lx

[danman83]

That’s great to here!! I’m happy for him! And you! Less stress for you now then and no more worrying.

That’s so good to hear some one happy in recovery and doing well. It really does work this 12 step programme.

Thanks you so much for your kind words. Tell your son I said well done, and keep passing the knowledge on what he’s learned.

Good to hear from you ❤️

[Author]

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