[lookingforhope]

Hi all, I’ve been reading this forum for the last few weeks but felt I needed to post for some advice.

I have recently found out that my partner has been using cocaine in our home, in secret, for the last five years. I never suspected until I found drugs in his wallet a few weeks ago.

We have a nice life, a family and I’m so confused. He says it started as a way to manage his depression about his father passing and he has never tried to give up in all this time… even when we had a baby.

Since I found out, I have told our immediate family as I’ve needed the support and he has agreed to counselling, couples counselling, attending CA meetings and anything else that he/I can think of.

I see him working hard at recovery, but I can’t help worry that I am naive if I believe that he can stop after such a long time. I feel like I’m holding my breath waiting for the next revelation or him to relapse.

I just wanted to know whether it is really possible to give up cocaine, or am I being foolish? I have a young family and job to think of, and I can’t live with an addict that is using drugs

[danman83]

Hiya, hope you are OK.

I’m 107 days clean I think now from cocaine. I decided join CA after vowing never to go.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than using cocaine to beat depression, because cocaine causes depression and I mean alot. It uses all your dopmine so you have nothing left then it’s a bad come down for weeks. And feeling depressed.but each to there own I guess.

Soo.. How much clean time does he have? Does he have a sponsor? Does he go to meetings each day?

Also does he drink, because drinking is a main trigger for cocaine. I’ve had to quit alcohol aswell. Most people in recovery quit both even though they are not an alcoholic.

I’m in the meetings now, and I’ve read so many true addiction recovery books, and podcast with addicts. And a lot of people have years of clean time. Some have 2, 5 10 even more.

But what I have seen and heard from people from the meetings and this is true from my own experience. We can’t think we are cured anytime, and just have 1 small glass of beer, say 5 month, even 3 year down the line. We are never OK and some people have and gone back to using for years.

We have to stick to this programme for ever, go to meetings, connect to addicts ect.. Don’t get me wrong some people might just get 2 years in then just leave CA, and be OK. But would the addict want to risk that?

The programe makes us stronger and able to say no to a drink ect.. And we just ring our sponsor if we are struggling.

So my answer is yes recovery is possible if you put the effort in and stay away from using friends, don’t drink, and work the programme each day. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask me anything

[ggilmore]

@danman83 i saw on a previous post you mentioned you’ve taken the chinese herbs, my boyfriend has just bought them as he has a coke addiction we’re trying to work through. He does coke almost every friday, its never on any other day. So does he just take the herbs on the friday or does he take them all throughout the week? Thanks so much in advance.

[danman83]

Hiya, I think it’s 10 a day. There just little black balls from what I remember. His using routine sounds like mine, every Friday ect. He needs to quit alcohol if he wants to quit coke, its a big trigger to get coke.

I’ll be honest I tried everything to quit, I was never to sure if the tablets worked for me. I didn’t use for a few weeks sometimes on the tablets, but I don’t know if it was them. But as long as you try these methods there is nothing wrong with it if it helps to quit.

I’m 10 days off 4 month clean the best clean time in 11 years of using. But this is because I joined cocaine anonymous and I’ve never felt so better and its helping me so much., I’m working the 12 steps and have a sponsor. Would your bf do this?

[lookingforhope]

Hi, thank you for your response. He’s been clean and sober for four weeks now, since I found out, but hasn’t used cocaine since November (thanks to pain from Covid)

He goes to one meeting, as well as individual therapy once a week, and couples counselling once a week, plus with a young family that doesn’t leave us much time…

I’ve read a lot of useful things that you’ve posted and he’s reading the book that was suggested which is helping (I think!)

Glad to hear that you’re doing so well and I really appreciate your perspective

[danman83]

So glad to hear he is putting the effort in. If he puts his recovery 1st, everything else will fall into place. Always here if u need chat, have a good weekend

[jamesb]

Hi @lookingforhope I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. The guy above Dan is probably the most helpful person on here and has helped so many people on here already so I’m sure a conversation with him will go a long way but I just wanted to comment because there’s alot of similarities to what I went / am going through. Without going too far in to me. I was not long ago in the same position as your partner. My daughter is now 4 months old and up until recently I had been using cocaine at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember.

But here’s the important part. It started for me the same as most young lads at the weekend and only a little but then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away about a year later from being diagnosed and then 3days prior to the 1st anniversary of her passing my dad passed away too. I was 26 when my mum passed and 27 when my dad did.

Cocaine has the ability to make you numb. Absolutely emotionless. And I know now through being honest with myself and some counselling that a big part of my using cocaine (of course there was an element of selfishness) was to do with blocking out any greif I may of felt losing my parents. I would feel the natural pain of bereavement but then all of a sudden as soon as I did a line I wouldn’t feel sad anymore. The chemical attributes of the drug literally rewire your brain to block all of that out. The problem was is that it always ran out and then like Dan said those feelings come back 10fold and also with the guilt and come down that anyone who does drugs experiences.

You say you never noticed or had any idea, to me that makes me think that it’s because instead of expressing the signs you’d expect from him like depression etc he may of seemed absolutely fine. That could possibly of been because the cocaine wasnt giving him so much of a high like you see in the films where he would be bouncing off the walls. But because he was so low it simply brought him back up to a “normal” level.

The problem is regardless of the reason you use it. It will eventually grip anyone no matter who you are and he may of found that even when he may of wanted to stop the addiction had set in and for many people it becomes an endless cycle of having to feed the addiction due to the psychological torture whilst also trying to keep the secret from loved ones and also maintain his level of normal life like work and healthy relationships etc.

I can’t put words in his mouth but as a man he may of found it easier to not show weekness and depend on you when he was grieving and instead used this artificial happiness just to get through the days.

Again you mentioned you have a young family, the feeling of needing to provide and “be a man” would be more important to him when having a child than ever and opening up and putting the heartache and stress of his addiction on you at the time of having a family would have not of been an option. I can only imagine he isn’t happy about his use and wouldn’t be proud of it so would want to keep it from you as best he can.

That in turn creates an endless cycle of him tying to keep you as his partner happy and unaware, while also trying to deal with the issues of addiction such as finding the money without it being noticed. Doing it and not being caught and everything else whilst still trying to hold on to the part of him that is the man you clearly love.

I’m more trying to hopefully tell you things that he may want to say but wouldn’t be able to as everything I just said is things I wish I told my partner years ago.

I think the ultimate cure for addiction is love. And if you can I’d say please try to understand as much as you can. I’m not saying he hasn’t done things that are wrong that will upset you but please know that every person who is addicted to anything is still the person they was deep down.

I hope that he can find strength and get back to a place where you’re both happy and free of this stuff. But please know that the more comfortable it is for him to be honest the most chances are he may break free.

There’s plenty of good people on this forum who sit at all angles regarding drugs so I’m sure many more people will reach out. This comment is only from my point of view other people who are partners of users like yourself may be abke to advise from another angle.

I wish you both all the best and I hope you can work through it together x

[lookingforhope]

Hi! Thank you for your response, and I can completely see a lot of this making sense now.

I think I’d worked hard to think that the problems I saw were a natural consequence of a young family and full time jobs, but I can see now that it was the drugs affecting our lives without me knowing what was really going on.

I really am trying to understand and it helps to know that I’m not alone. I want what is best for our children and for him too, which is obviously not drugs. I hope that he can work as hard as you have to realise that a drug free life is the only way forward from here

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad that you’ve found this forum as hopefully talking with people like Danman will help you. I’m glad that your husband is getting counselling but if you would like some help for yourself you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers help to people going through what you are , dealing with addiction in their family. We have trained and experienced Family Friends who you could talk with if you get in touch. Talking with them might help you to move forward and they would be able to let you know what other support is available .

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[angiej82]

I would like to know this too . my husband has been taking cocaine for years although i was oblivious to it for a long time i just thought he was drunk . He only ever takes it when he’s had a drink , problem is he binge drinks . he works hard and we have 4 children but he’s been in hospital recently after having a seizure at work and was told/warned to make lifestyle changes . He didn’t drink for a few weeks then on easter sunday he drank and took cocaine and has taken it again today . I just feel sick when i see him and i know he’s taken it , i just cry and cry as when he’s not binge drinking and using it he is the loveliest caring funny husband i fell in love with ,but this is ruining my life, i feel i am spending all my time trying to save his life . we have been drs and seen a local councillor but nothing has helped, I’m willing to pay now i just feel we are going to loose him x

[danman83]

The minute u have a sip of alcohol u can be craving coke like mad. So I now have to quit alcohol even though I am not an alcoholic.

Has he tried cocaine anonymous meetings these have kept me clean for over 3 mth now

[angiej82]

Ive emailed them asking for any advice on services in our area . we have been to a local centre (not CA) i felt that didn’t help , bare in mind this has been going on for years , he doesn’t think he should stop drinking because he doesn’t think he has a problem with alcohol but he doesn’t take coke without having alcohol first . When he had a seizure we all thought that was it we thought it had scared him enough to stop , he was in hospital and crying to us over the phone saying he is going to stop but that lasted 3 weeks .

[danman83]

I had the same mindset, but a alcohol and cocaine come in hand in hand, everyone says the same in the meetings. I have finally admitted that I have to give up alcohol if I want to quit cocaine. So I can’t ever drink again even though I am not an alcoholic. Drinking alcohol leads to wanting cocaine so much. That’s why everyone is on it in every pub and club. Then u start relying on this with out alcohol like I did.

You can search in Google.. Cocaine anonymous meetings in UK. And loads come up, most are online now, u just need to download zoom. What area are u from? You have some from areas, but as they are on zoom you can go on any meeting. This is because of the pandemic. But he really needs to want to quit for himself to do this.

That we’re he was in hospital, if he used and that caused him to be in hospital or was a few days before, I don’t know if u know, but when cocaine is wearing off basically an hour after using, it makes you depressed and suicidal, then the nxt few days you say I’m never doing it again, and then come Friday.. Your buying it again, all you think about is the positives of coke. Then depressed and suicidal again Monday. It’s a big vicious circle. But joining CA helps and you talk to addicts each day.

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