[worriedhubby]

Been Married to my wife for 20 years this year, she has always liked a drink (I am pretty much teetotal), we have 2 beautiful, intelligent girls. The last 4 years have been a living hell.

When we were first married and going out with friends, if she had too much to drink, it would always result in really nasty comments aimed just at hurting me – however, for a number of years that had stopped. We have in the last 4 years lost my Sister in Law to Suicide (she was an alcoholic and attempted it a number of times) – my brother to a sepsis after a motorbike accident, and the drinking kind of spiralled after that – she is usually around 2 bottles of wine or around 9 pints of lager every night, and along with that comes the arguments etc. I can see her spiralling out of control and IMHO into dpresession, and i cant help, plus I have to deal with teh arguments etc that ensue. It got to the point that she had an affair a year or so ago, and I blame that entirely on the booze – the person she had the affair with also was on the receiving end of the spitefulness with drink.

We lost my dad and her mum in December last year, and I was hopeful she would pull out of it, as she had come to blows with her mum over drinking as well, however, it is just getting worse. I can see the relationship with the kids crumbling as they want nothing to do with her when she drinks. It is at the point where she tries to hide it, but her whole persona changes, and it is obvious when she has a drink. Im no saint in it, I have retaliated when she says nasty things to me (including jeering me how the person she had an affair with is better than me, better looking etc), but I am at my wits end

I have been told I cause the drink by complaining about it, so I agreed to not say a word about it, as expected, the drinking didnt slow down at all.

I love her with all my heart (would have run at the infedelity if I didnt), and so desperately want the woman I know is in there back, and I really dont want to give up after 20 years together. I also want the girls to have the mother they deserve, and know she can be without the drink- please someone tell me there is light and hope!

I can see her going the same way her sister did (she has threatened numerous times), and after all the deaths we have had in the family, cant bear the thought of my kids going through it all again with their mum!

[donthaveaclue]

I’m sorry that I don’t have any great advice but please don’t think you’ve caused her to drink.

My addict partner does this – he says I cause him to use. Reality is, he uses when I’m not there and basically when he chooses to (which has been daily) so it’s nothing to do with me. They just use that excuse to control and throw the blame on you to make themselves feel temporarily better by imagining it’s someone else’s fault. It’s their responsibility.

Your wife can only get better if she realises she has a problem that she wishes to fix. Unfortunately, we cannot make the addicts in our lives want to do this or successfully achieve sobriety even if they want to. We can only be there for them and that’s a choice we have to make based upon knowing that we don’t have any control over it… so in my case, and after a long time dealing with his drug addiction/drinking/heavy smoking, I can’t live with mine anymore and I’m currently trying to move out with our child. If I’m going to be there for my partner it will be from a distance. I have to take care of me and our child first.

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