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hi all especially Fiona and Susie
well its been a sad old couple of weeks was on holiday when we got a call from my son he was distraught not making any sense, it turned out that a friend of his for many years had collapsed while with my son, an ambulance was called and he was rushed into hospital, sadly he had a massive heart attack which led to a coma the result being his life support was turned off and he passed away, I attended his funeral today, Im mentioning this because this man was only 36 yrs old, from being 16 he had been an addict, suffered mental health issues etc etc, does it sound familiar ladies ? his death was not due to the heart attack but of organ failure from many years of drug abuse, I sat in the church listening to everyone saying he was a lovely young man, polite and well mannered, not a word was mentioned of his addiction, 20 yrs of stealing, lying was somehow forgotten, I spoke briefly to his mum who I have known for many years a good hardworking proud lady and she said to me “I knew this would happen, at long last I can concentrate on my other sons its such a relief that the years of stress and heartache is over”
And my son did not attend the funeral he said he couldnt bear it instead he went and did what he does best was so out of it he didnt even know we were in his flat,
I feel so numb and drained, how long before we are in that situation, I found out that he had overdosed 5 times since easter, but after being admitted to hospital discharged himself as soon as he was able, no one can get through to him that it could have been him in that coffin today, he doesnt seem to care about anything any more,
I’ve wrote this down not just to clear my mind but if there is the slightest chance that it serves as a wakeup call that heroin and other drugs not only affect everyone around the user but can kill, sadly I fear its too late for my son to change and if he doesnt want to there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him
sending cyber hugs and prayers for everyone affected by addictiontake care look after yourselves and keep strong
Sue Xxxx -
Hi Sue……..Ive read your post with tears in my eyes…Its so hard sometimes to hear these sad facts about how drugs take lives… Our children are good..its the drugs that change them…And its never too late…its just hard for them to see it at the moment… Im still not talking to to my son…Ive told him not to come to our house until he starts to sort his crap out…Yesterday he went and had blood tests done and a liver check…..until they get get the results he wont know if he will be able to take the anitbuse drug…..Yes its one step, but im sick of his BS….i HAVENT GIVEN UP ON HIM….but I want him to start taking responsibility for his life….and until I can see marked improvements then I cant be around him….Sue your son does care, deep down he cares, but the drugs mask all of those feelings….I paray that ALL those we know who have succumbed to drugs find the strength to FIGHT, with every last breath….THEY SO DESERVE to be HAPPY, leading a fulfilled life….Prays, love and hope to all especially you Sue, Fiona and those I have conversed with xxxxhugs hunny xxxx
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Hi Anarette,
For a situation such as this, you need help too. This is an awful lot for one person to take on, and it is having an affect on you too. I know you are doing all you can do for him, but what about you? The Icarus Trust is an charity which provides a free Family Friend, who is someone for you to speak to. And then there is a signposting service to help you find the best help for you, your family and your situation. Please get in touch with them on info@icarustrust.org or go to their website http://www.icarustrust.org.
I really hope this is some help for you. All the best.
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Hi Jac
if you feel you need some support and would like to speak to someone who would understand what you are going through with your son, please contact The Icarus trust. We are a charity and offer free support to the friends and families of addicts. You could be put in touch with our experienced trained volunteers which might help you.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.
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Thank you for the kind words you left on my blob, it meant a lot 🙂
I can truly empathise with your journey and as others have said you must get support, I wish I had years ago, but in the three years prior to my brothers passing, I did get help and it really helped me put things in to perspective. I hated hating him, it was awful. I think the drug takes hold of us all doesn’t it, it becomes all of our dirty secret, it has such power.
I know in my heart my brother would never have chosen that journey, as no ones family, partners etc would have had they have known just how powerful it is. Which is why I am so appalled at the lack of supports given, its more than ‘just a junkie’.
My heart goes out to you, it really does because its a horrid place to be, the pain is relieved everyday when you see whats happening to the person you adore.Its like an illness, so do and some don’t beat it. I just wish the government would give more supports but then the system is no longer about people is it, its about money.
Be strong, seek supports, stay positive. x
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Morning Sue, Just checking in to see how you are…..That dark cloud hangs around alot for families of addicts..My OH, who is stepfather is in contact with my son….he is an amazing man, who has always been there for my son…he has great strength, and has kept me sane many times…He knows how hurt I am, and can understand me pulling away fully…..My son has another court appearance the end of the week, and no doubt will do another stint in prison..,its never ending, and im not shocked any more….I think not being involved with him at the moment is my way of dealing with his shit life…….I have made the choice and at the moment its the right thing for me……Sue the rest of the family need you too…as parents of addicts we have to keep some kind of normality….and that is heart breaking…knowing that one of our kids is out there and shitting all over their life…..Im not religious at all, but I havent prayed so much since the preverbial hit the fan…..stay strong hunni, and know its their fight…lets hope they take the bull by the horns soon and stop xxx hugs sweetheart xxxx
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Hiya Ladie’s I feel a bit hopeful for us all tonight, you see I met with my cousin today, for the 1st time in about 13yrs.. he had been a heroin addict for around 15yrs, locked away in his bedroom injecting heroin, a shadow of his former self!! He is clean, has been for quiet a few yrs now.. We hugged like we did as kid’s and the warm’th i felt off him was so good..I’m spending the day with him tomorrow, If he can do it, so can our boy’s .. We won’t be beaten ladie’s stay strong love to you both Fiona xxx
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Unfortunately hes an addict ????!!hes not ready to admit he has a problem so there is no way of helping him YET!!i say yet because every addict will hit there low!!he may aleady know hes got a problem deep down but hes in denial.its up to you if u are willing to wait for him to realise and get help or if u decide its too much!!either is a choice that can only b made by u.i hope u find your happiness xx
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Hi
I am sorry to read about the difficult time you are having dealing with the impact of your husband’s drinking. I’m wondering whether you might like /need some support for yourself?
I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust who have trained volunteers called Family Friends, experienced in helping people in similar situations to yourself. If you are interested you would be assigned to one of these Family Friends. They would listen and talk to you in complete confidence and may be able to help you to find a way forward.
Please contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org
I really hope that this will help you.-
You are not alone hun, there are so many parents whose kids are addicted ,whether it’s alcohol, drugs etc. I felt exactly the same when i found out…I didn’t want anyone to know. It took me a few years to come to terms with his addictions,Find out as much as I could about it, and the biggest thing was to stop enabling ….that meant no handing over money, locking away valuables, and never under estimating his manipulation. The biggest thing is he must want it…and that’s the hard part. We can support our kids, but just don’t make it easy for them..and I say that with a heavy heart, because even after my son nearly died through his addiction, the light bulb still didn’t go on for him….he does just enough to get by, so I’m now at the point that until he really wants it, I will take a back seat and love him from afar….stand tall, set boundaries, and stick to them…and stop feeling embarrassed…this is his addiction not yours…let him own it! Sending hugs x
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Thank you. It’s just so hard. I’m trying to stay strong but so tearful. ‘Hiding’ it from the family is really difficult. I understand what you say about enabling and have to admit that has been a problem before as I have wanted to help him when he has got in to trouble with money. That has to stop as its now thousands of pounds. But he’s my little boy and I struggle to understand why. Hoping that he is realising it is a real problem and will seek professional guidance and support.
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Your doing the right thing, by finding out, asking for help etc….a very good friend who I met on a group similar to this gave me wake up call,when she said this..” Your child is not a child, but an adult…and as adults we have consequences when we make bad decisions…why is your adult son any different.” ? And she was right….up until that point, we had set him up with his own place, paid his bills, helped him with shopping, clothes etc….a bottomless pit as far as he was concerned,not to mention the abuse if he couldn’t get his own way, the phone calls etc…..as for the whys…I still don’t know, other than I now know his triggers, when he’s going to relapse….I don’t think thry know why…my son tends to self medicate when things get too much….until he really wants to change the cycle, I’m resigned to the fact….. Educate yourself , get smart, and learn to say no…set boundaries if he’s living with you and stick to them hun…..I hope ive helped, and I truly hope he gets help xxx
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Hi Mac,
I know this is very hard for you and it must tear you up trying to make sense of it all. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust that supports the families and friends of people with addictions. If you feel it would be helpful to talk with one of our experienced trained volunteers please get in touch.
It may help you to talk through things with someone who will understand what you are going through and help you to see the way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck. -
Thank you. I have already made contact with the Trust. My son is on Day 4 of abstinence. One day at a time.
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Hey Fiona…..that was just the news I needed to hear……I am in awe if those addicts that beat this terrible illness……..hugs to you and your son xxxxx
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Hi Sebiana,
This is really tough for you but I think you are being so strong in what must be such a hard situation.
I am glad that you are going to see a counsellor who I hope will help you.
Sometimes it helps to know that there are loads of other people who are dealing with similar problems, and often it helps to talk to people who really know how you feel.
There is a charity called The Icarus Trust who offer a free service supporting families affected by addiction. If you contact us we could put you in touch with one of our trained Family Friends. They would be there to talk, share experiences and offer help and support. Its free so it might be worth you giving it a go.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything!-
Jennie what a very sad story. Thanks for sharing it . If you felt it would help and you wanted any one to talk with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports the friends and family of addicts. Our’ Family Friends’ are experienced trained volunteers who would understand exactly what you have been through.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org -
Hahaha. Sorry, but you try and advertise a spell casting service to a witch? That’s like advertising a new toy making service to Santa’s elves. Anyone who knows true magic would know that spells take time to work, and that they are most powerful when cast by the person themselves. Please do not waste your time here. Sorry this has made me laugh. People really will do anything for money.
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Our stories are almost identical.
I have been with my husband for 16 years,married for 9. We have 2 children -8 and 4.
Like you, over the years i found evidence of him using cocaine and got the same excuses as you -“i was drunk”, “it was a one off”.
He ran his own business but, i realise now, his head wasn’t in the game to be professional enough to run the business so he started losing business due to his unreliability. His contributions to the household finances became more adhoc and hr stopped paying the mortgage which resulted in a court hearing for repossesion early on this year. Luckily i managed to scrape some funds togethers but we know have a suspended court order on the house.
This year has been a nightmare. He has been the docs a couple of times, started on antidepressants, started counselling but only keeps it up for a month or two before he goes back to his selfish cocaine using self. Whats frightening is his begaviour can be “normal” and i see glimpses of the man i married to completely erratic. I have made it overwhelming clear to him that i would support him if he got help to get better but i now realise he was doing it to keep me happy rather than wanting it himself.
My situation came to a head in september when i came downstairs at midnight for medicine for our ill daughter and caught him snorting cocaine off the kitchen side. He moved out immediately but i think he thought i would change my mind in a week or two and i would take him back if he promised to ger help. I have done that a couple of times over the past 2 years. This time I havent. The family home is up for sale. During this time, he has made NO attempt to work on his addiction. He says he will but doesnt. He claims he isnt addicted but he is. My hubbie was the vainest man you could meet -now he can turn up wearing the same clothes for 2 days not having had a shower. Like your partner, he says if he isnt with me he has no incentive to change. I point out that even though our marriage is over, we still have 2 children together that he should get better for.
I wont lie the past 2 months have been rough. He doesnt give me a penny yet i know for a fact that he uses what little money he does have to go out drinking. He turns up to see the kids when it suits him and it id usually only a brief visit -he says it is “too hard” for him. I have had to contact a debt charity called StepChange to help with my finances ( they are fantastic!) as i have had no support off him whatsoever. What i can say is that although i have tough days, they are nowhere near as bad as what they were like when he was still at home -the lies, the moodswings, the empty bags of cocaine found hidden in coat pockets, down side of couch etc. towards the end, i could feel anxiety taking over me and i didnt want that for my childrens sake.
I know i am the start of a long road but i feel stronger than i did when he was here. Yes there are times when my heart breaks for him and i want to “rescue” him but then i remind myself of the times i have text or rang him begging him to come and see the children because they miss him so desperately and he ignores me. Its hard to bear as prior to this he was a fantastic husband and dad but cocaine and alcohol has turned him into someone i dont recognise.
My advice to you is focus on getting yourself better and strong. Focus on your childrens happiness, not his. Maybe when he sees how strong and serious you are it will kickstart him into getting some help. He may though continue on this path of self destruction though. You can’t save him from this. He has to want it himself. If you continue to take him back with no real positive action from him, your misery will continue-believe me, i’m proof!
I wish you the very best. Please know that you are not alone in this struggle. Take care x
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