[111becky]

Hi, I don’t know if anyone can relate to my circumstances as I’m in a very difficult situation.

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 6, but he is not from the uk. He has been on a spousal settlement visa for nearly 5 years and close to applying for indefinite leave to remain. We have a 3 year old and a 6 week old.

I love my husband more than anything in the world (sober) and he is an incredible father to our children. However, he has grown up in a society with an extremely bad drinking culture and we’ve been through it all when he’s had one to many over the years (arrests, drink driving, disappearing, lieing, hiding alcohol, damaging hotel rooms, even messing himself when he’s that drunk, countless phones and wallets losts, hundreds of pounds wasted on alcohol, family disputes because of his drinking, and so on) It’s been a long long emotional rollercoaster but these episodes rarely happen, maybe once every 6-9 months. I thought children would stop them, I thought his job (social care) would stop them, I thought having our own house would stop them but they have continued.

The last episode was the worst, I was in hospital for a bladder problem and I was also 12 weeks pregnant, he saw this as an opportunity to lie to me, said he was home all night and went out on a bender. he was arrested for drunk and disorderly, didn’t turn up to work and spent hundreds that night. My dad and myself (catheterised at this point) were driving around for hours looking for him. I decided we both needed to talk it out in a counselling session where I poured my heart out. I made it quite clear this was the final time. It’s been 9 months since then and he hasn’t had a single episode, he’s been sober throughout.

Last night he told me he was on shift until I saw a number of transactions from our account for cash withdrawals, off licences, pubs and a hotel room. I drove out to the hotel but couldn’t see his car parked anywhere. He hasn’t been in touch for a couple of days, so worrying sick about what could have happened to him, I sent a message to his work colleague to make sure he was ok. He immediately called me from work and blamed me for his disciplinary having messaged his colleague. I don’t know where he slept, who he was with, where he drank etc. But he spent over £200. When he called I received a bunch of lies about him working all night but I could hear how hungover he was.

The question is what’s next. I have recently given birth, with a challenging 3 year old and the thought of being a single mum scares me to death. If we split, we have to notify the home office and they could revoke his visa meaning there’s a chance he may never see the children again, I definitely do not want to separate my children from their dad. He is nearly ready to make an application for indefinite leave to remain which will cost thousands; we have been saving for the past 2 years and I’ve budgeting things throughout but for him, it’s ok to go and blow hundreds on this binge. It also angers me that he is willing to sacrifice his job, his source of income and the financial security of our children and our home. He also risks with another arrest, having his visa application refused.

I can’t comprehend why anybody would risk losing their entire life, their family, our newborn baby, all for a drink.

I’m at a breaking point, I’ve enabled him so much over the years and fixed what mess he has caused but i feel like now there’s no excusing it anymore. I don’t want my girls to grow up thinking it’s ok to be disrespected time and time again.

What’s the best way forward? I want my children to see their dad everyday and for that to happen I would have to bide my time so that he can make the visa application. I hide all of this from my family and friends because of turmoil it has caused throughout our marriage, and I have to pretend to everyone around me that I’m ok and that we are ok. We are due to go on holiday next week with the kids. I want to go together but I don’t want him to think that everything’s fine now and that I’ve accepted his betrayal.

The sober husband who I fell in love with is what keeps me holding on every time just that little bit longer, but with every episode I become more and more hopeless. It’s taken so much hard work and pain for us to be together in this country, for us to have our own house and be together with our kids. The journey we have been on made us so strong so putting an end to this feels like I’ve failed. I don’t want to be lonely with 2 very young children and a mortgage to pay on my own. Please if anybody can offer advice, this is the first time I have ever shared my story.

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