[selfhatred]

I am a cocaine addict that’s been battling my addiction for almost ten years I have a supportive partner but struggles understanding the demons that live inside me, I have two amazing daughters and when I’m with them it’s the only time in my life I feel truly happy, I can’t explain why I keep going back to it I can’t function properly, we struggle because of my problem, I get really paranoid and zone out staring at my phone saying nothing, pretty much paralysed Looking for cheap thrills (sexually) the problem isn’t a simple one my partner also dabbles but only on occasions, I know various people that can pick it up and put it down but once I start there’s no stopping, if there was a black bin bag full of it I would probably die trying to take it all, once the thought of cocaine comes into my head I can’t fight it and as soon as I’m high I go numb feel absolutely nothing, I’ve tried various things from ca to one to one counselling, the counselling worked better than most but that stopped, and i have to start paying for it which I can’t really afford, I don’t even know who i am

I’m not living,

I’m like a parasite

Most of the time I think my family would be better if without me so I can’t hurt them anymore every time I mess up, the pain hurt shame guilt is becoming to much I let people down constantly

[mo229]

Hi there,

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Your situation and feelings sound quite familiar to my ex partner, who is also a cocaine addict. He got help last year but has relapsed in the past month. We have had lots of in depth discussions whilst he was sober where he has literally said to me he would rather kill himself then go back to ‘that dark place’ again, yet he broke his sobriety on a night out, during a time of feeling weak, so I can appreciate how powerful addiction is.

I think you’re in a good place because you recognise there’s a problem and you want to change. A lot of addicts will never do that. And you’ve started to take the steps to recover, counselling etc. I don’t think it’s helpful your partner ‘dabbles’ in coke if you’re struggling, and you should mention this to him, but I don’t think they are better off without you because you are showing you want to change, it would be different if you didn’t. Your family provides you joy so you should hold on to that whilst you can otherwise you may just lose hope and just go into a downward spiral.

I’m not qualified to tell you how to beat your addiction, none of us are on here but read some of the previous threads on here, I’ve seen a couple of cocaine addicts have made some threads and give suggestions of ways they are recovering. Don’t lose hope, the year my partner was clean he said he had never been happier and so clear minded. Seek the help you deserve, ring your GP, look at support groups and get yourself a sponser. It’s great that you have a support network around you so I think you will find the strength to beat this. Sending love xxx

[Author]

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