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I’ve posted on here a few times before. My 39 year old alcoholic son is no better than when I started posting a while back- maybe a year and a half ago. He is getting more desperate because the small inheritance that he got from his Grandma is running out. He has been living on it to supposedly finish his PhD and it’s obvious that he’s not doing the work for it. He doesn’t work at all and I’m pretty sure that drinking is all he does- alone in his small apartment. He’s getting more and more desperate and mean because he is running out of money. I stopped giving him money a long time ago, but have tried to be there as a support. He was hospitalized last September for severe withdrawal when he tried to quit. He was sober for a few months and relapsed again in late December. It’s been really bad since then. He’s been blaming me, asked me to continue to support him to finish his degree (the answer was no) and since then has been constantly sending me texts day after day after day, all day and night, saying I judge him for being an alcoholic- I don’t, and that he is going to be on the street soon. I told him I’m frustrated because he won’t seek any help for his addiction- if he’s feeling any criticism, it’s that. He says he didn’t choose to be an alcoholic, it’s his chemistry and that he has no free will to get better because there is no free will in this world ( he’s a Philosophy major ) and tries to philosophize everything away. He’s never gone to rehab and won’t do AA- he says it’s a cult. Sound familiar?
I stopped taking his phone calls because he goes on and on and then we fight. He just kept texting me all the time about the judgment and that he doesn’t want me to have this sin on my soul! It was starting to make me ill. I have a chronic immune illness, it was just too much. So with a heavy heart, I told him I’m blocking him on my phone so I could get some peace. He’ll still email the family with the same stuff about judgement of his addiction.
The next steps are hard. He will most likely end up on the streets because he’s not doing anything about his life. I’m pretty sure that he thinks that I will “rescue” him when that time comes and take him in. I know that I have to let him face all the consequences of his addiction and that will mean letting him fall hard- even if it means the streets.
Have any of you reached this place where you have had to cut your toxic, addicted adult child out of you life? Do you have tips on how to live your life and be happy when you have an addicted love one out there?
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Hi February Marie,
I was sorry to read your story. I wondered if you read the Thread, there are several of us mums all with sons with addictions.
We are all here to support each other.
Danman83 is a person in recovery, he offers good advice and is currently doing well.
I think until he admits he needs help, there’s little we can do until then.
Please look after your own health and well-being for the moment, confide in a close friend or just vent here.
The Icarus trust posts here, I believe they offer advice and support too.
For the moment take pleasure in the little things, maybe meditation to calm your anxiety.
Take care of you first and foremost.
Lx
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Forgot to say the thread is called Theresa!!
Lx
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I’m so sorry to hear of your grief. Your boy is ill. I hope from the bottom Of my heart that he takes control and makes the choice himself to survive.
I lost my mum to alcoholism she was in her early 50’s. A close friend of mine was an alcoholic who put his parents through the same troubles your son has put you through. They sent him away to another country for rehab. Miraculously when he came back he stuck with it and I think it’s been 13 years for him with no alcohol.
Another friend couldn’t control his addiction ended up in a hospice and sadly passed. He was a gentle lovely guy.
Alcoholism is such a poisonous disease it’s made even harder that alcohol is on every corner every shop every restaurant. Giving up must be such a difficult and continuous challenge.
Sometimes miracles do happen sometimes they don’t and I’ve seen both. And it does sometimes take one to be at their lowest point to hit rock bottom to find the light and courage to take that first step.
The fact is only your son when he decides can save himself.
You must now compose yourself, be strong. Find enjoyment from this life, you have done everything you can with the card that you have been dealt. I wish you all the best.
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That’s good February Marie!
Stay strong, remember we are here for each other.
Lx
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Hi Februraymarie,
Firstly I’m so sorry you are going through this. Whilst I cannot fully relate to this as I have an alcoholic father not a son, I still read your post and understood so much of what you are saying. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing to me, the worst thing we can do as loved ones with someone with an addiction is to enable them (even though it is the most natural thing for us to do which is why it is SO ridiculously hard to cut that cycle).
It sounds like your son does need to hit his rock bottom for him to have a chance of recovery, I know this from my Dad’s situation. He started engaging with services and showing signs of recovery when I got him removed from his elderly mums home, however unfortunately she took him back in and is in complete denial about his drinking and therefore enables him everyday and because of this he is the worst he has ever been.
Up until a few months ago I was starting to struggle with my mental health because of it, but I started going to art therapy (sounds a bit hippy dippy but honestly is one of the best things I have ever done!) I also started attending a monthly support group which is local to me for people affected by a loved ones drinking and this has also been amazing, hearing others in the same situation and being able to learn so much from them. I know from the group the people who are doing the best and have sons in recovery are those who have shown ‘tough love’.
I really admire how you are dealing with this and I really think you should be proud of how strong you are being! You need to start putting yourself first as also you can’t help anyone if you’re not in a fit state yourself.
Sending you all the love,
Natalie
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Hi february Marie,
Thank you for sharing your story. You sound a very strong person and it takes real courage to stop enabling your son as you are doing. But this is really hard so if you would like some support for yourself please contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to families around those with addictions. if you contact us I will put you in touch with one of our Family Friends who would listen to you and offer you support. They are trained and experienced and would understand what you are dealing with.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.
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That’s awesome, I can also do this for my son. Moreover, you can learn from
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