[pepsi89]

He’s only 8 months sober and although working full time, he isn’t going to meetings or anything. he’s choosen to just manage it alone.

Weve only been involved a few months. He’s told me everything about his past. How he stopped. What happened etc. Basically an extremely bad back that opiates can’t touch led him to drink and a suicide attempt. But he’s now as I say 8 months sober.

We are taking things slow. Just friends. But we fancy eachother alot. We’ve just not made that move yet but we’ve talked about it. We want to eventually start dating.

But I feel like I need to hear some opinions. He’s mostly a positive person in my life. I have clicked with him more than I have anyone. But I’ve seen him struggle on the odd week. Not with drink. But with his depression. He can feel really lonely and sad. He’s always still nice to me but he looses his bounce. On two occasions I’ve found it hard. For example he brought me perfume one Saturday. Told me he hoped it made me smile when I wore it. Then the next day was the start of a few days of him feeling low. It came along with him stopping opiates that he’s never liked taking as he can’t function. So I knew it was likely that. But I had a few wobbles that week and he ended it. Two days later we spoke about it. He didn’t seem to see any issues with himself and said it was just me worrying. He said he can’t handle me doubting him because it makes him feel so rubbish. He was up and down in the call. He wanted me. But wanted to concentrate on work for now. I agreed and said I was happy with that. Then he said he wanted me but without the doubts. Then he was confessing to being scared of a relationship. Said his heart was on his sleeve. I suggested he stayed single for now. But then he said he hates being alone and just wanted to be happy. In the end we agreed to try again.

We’ve been fine since. I’ve helped him buy some stuff online for his flat (he paid) we’ve been laughing. Back to our old chats.

But everyone warns me you can’t trust recovering addicts. Everyone is thinking I’ll get hurt. Everyone is telling me their opinions. I can’t help feel they don’t know him so can they really judge.

Please advise me on what you think. Thank you.

[lilgunner]

Hi Pepsi,

I was in a similar situation to you until recently.

Knew someone for several years and started getting to know one another more personally. Thing is, I respect this man, even after everything that’s happened, addiction is horrible.

He told he had past and was trying to recover from cocaine addiction, but a year and half down the line he still uses.

He promised so many times he would get clean and seek help but failed to do so. We saw each other a few times, nothing has happened between us other than talking but he told me he had commitment issues, wanted to start something, go slow and each time he went for drugs instead.

I don’t think for one minute he doesn’t care about me but he’s mind is consumed by drugs. He comes across as manipulative especially the days leading up to cocaine use, almost deliberately seeking an excuse to use.

When he knows he has let me down he’s apologetic and on the other hand he says so many things I don’t know what to believe anymore, he’s told me he pushes good things away, and as much as I do care about him, I need to protect my own mental health, it is soul destroying watching him spiral put of control.

Like yourself, this man works, uses work as an excuse to use and then days he’s just busy with work.

He is using atleast once a week, but I’ve decided to go no contact with him as the whole situation was bringing me down. I blocked him a few months ago, he then messaged me from another number when high on cocaine and we ended up back in the same predicament.

From now on, I am getting on with my life and I will keep messages and any form of contact to a minimum.

[danman83]

I’m 5 week clean from coke now, and I have joined C A anonymous, but regarding your question. Since I have been in the meetings a lot of people say because they still didn’t work the steps after, 6, 9 month even 2 years it causes them to relapse. I even did it my self after 2 and 3 month. I never did the steps then but I tested myself with a party – stupid decision!. I guess you can tell what happened.

You have to have some sort of programme or strict rules to obey weather its 12 steps or not. Your mind will always play tricks on you and trick you into using.

I don’t agree with you can’t trust recovering addicts, I’ve seen so many videos and read a lot of books and a lot are successful people, even millionaires and they help other addicts. Everyone makes mistakes and can change. But it all boils down to are they really trying, and sticking to their princiciples.

My opinion is if he is giving up on doing his usual stuff that helped him quit, I’d say he more or less will relapse. That’s my opinion though.

Feel free to ask me anything

[Author]

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