[fatherof3]

First, I’m 5 years sober, I know what addiction is like on both sides. I know it is a struggle and I empathize with those in active addiction. On the other hand, when’s enough , enough?

My wife is addicted to alcohol and cocaine, I did know she was using but did not know how serious it was until 4 years ago. I was 1 year into my recovery when she started going out and staying out all night. I would call her mother and she would make excuses for her. Until later I found out that they were smoking crack together. So I decided to purchase a home in the neighboring state. The area is beautiful. during this time she was doing well as far as staying sober. But she got bored and wanted to start working. So, I paid for background checks, certifications and uniforms. That’s when it all started over again. She found an area where drugs were being sold and started getting high in our new home.

[fatherof3]

I work at night and get into the house at 2 am. One day I came home to find her gone and my two boys (8 and 12) were in their rooms sleep. She apologized, I forgave her.

But this particular day she did not get the boys off the school bus and they were in the house all night by themselves. Being scared they walked to the police station. Finally, she arrived with my neighbor to pick up the children that’s when the officer smelled the alcohol. The next morning she left and did not come back for 4 days. When she did come back, she was very mean and disrespectful and violent (throwing things in the house). The police came and locked her up. She gets out of jail promising to due better. Also, there is an open DFS investigation on her for leaving the children home alone.

She did fine for about a week. Now it’s back to the old behaviors, staying out for days. I get worried sick because she turns off her phone there is no way to contact her.

[fatherof3]

Since she was arrested, I have been home trying to get her help. But she has to want it,

She is using Covid-19 as an excuse not to seek treatment. I have taken off work for 5 weeks now and I have to return. I just feel like giving up. I’m depressed, exhausted and frustrated but I know my boys need me. I wanna put her clothes in a bag, put them on the porch and tell her to go back where she came from. I feel so alone right now.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. I can see why you posted on my thread. It is as if the experiences are the same. I know that depression, exhaustion and frustration. Knowing the children need us while our spouse just does whatever he/she wants. My husband walked out 2 months ago so I have no idea what he is doing or when. He goes days without calling his children, weeks without seeing them. We moved around alot for his job. When we were in different states there wasn’t as much as a problem. But as soon as we moved here, 3 years ago, he knew exactly where the drugs would be. Afterall, these were his old stomping grounds. Guess I wanted to believe that the hard working, dedicated, trustworthy husband wasn’t the person I thought he was. I know he is hurting, just like your wife is hurting but it’s different than our pain. Not that it’s an excuse but they get to numb their pain. While ours is raw and almost undescribeable.

You aren’t alone. I feel the same way you do. I want to tell him to come get the rest of his belongings and file the divorce paperwork myself. It’s so terribly hard to know what to do. I am lost and that’s why I’m glad I found this site and posts like yours. While I wish you weren’t going through this, it is nice to know that I’m not alone.

[fatherof3]

SongbirdGarden76, thank you for your kindhearted post. It really means so much. I am just at my wits end with this and yet making an impulsive decision can be devastating for my family. I grew up in an era where Mom was the nurturer. She kept the house cleaned, cooked and handled a lot of the miscellaneous things. I never thought in a million years that I would be playing the role of Mom and Dad. When she away for days at a time, the boys constantly ask for her. So I try to keep them occupied. Normally I would take them out somewhere to keep them distracted. But with Covid-19 that’s not possible, which makes me extremely sad. Many times I just wanna go in a corner and cry because I feel so alone. I know what addiction is like and it comes a time where you say enough is enough. At some point you have to make your choice, family or misery?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. You are completely describing my life, it’s so weird the similarities. My husband grew up in the same era as you and his father worked and mom took care of the household and the family. We agreed we would do the same. We agreed for me to be a stay at home mom, especially as our youngest has special needs and major separation anxiety. I have not worked in over 15 years. Now I’m faced with having to support myself and the kids. Basically starting over. My husband earned a very comfortable living and now that is all gone. Not only is that income gone, theres no way I can bring in even half of that. So there goes our nice, beautiful home in one of the best neighborhoods and I will be lucky if I can afford something in one of the worst neighborhoods. Helpless and hopeless comes to mind.

Yes I would always take the kids out to distract them but COVID 19 is really messing that up. I totally understand that.

That is what I’m wondering. Do addicts finally come to a realization that they have a choice to make? I’ve never been on the other side of this. Or is my husband walking out 2 months ago and staying gone his way of telling me he made a decision and it’s not his family?

[songbirdgarden76]

I forgot to say congratulations on being sober for 5 years! That is remarkable and you should feel very proud!

[fatherof3]

SongbirdGarde76, Thank you. (Side note, something is wrong with my spell check so if you see obvious mistakes it’s my computer). In terms of coming to a realization, I can share with you what made me come to my decision to get help. I was eating dinner with my family. At that time my youngest was 3 years old but he was eating more than me. I weighed 129 lbs. at that time and miserable. For years I avoided looking myself in the mirror because I knew and felt the deterioration in my body. So that night after dinner I went to brush my teeth and something told me to look in the mirror. Finally, I faced my fear and did it. What I saw was a hollow shell staring back at me and I cried to myself for about 15 minutes. The next day I went to work, called a meeting with my superiors and told them that I had some family business that I needed to take care of and I’ll be gone for a while. They knew what was going on, shucks I was 129lbs., my normal weight is 180lbs. I had to swallow my pride and humble myself and let someone else drive. My way wasn’t getting me anywhere. SongBird76, that was the best investment I’ve ever made. I keep a picture of myself when I was at the airport holding my 3 year old ready to go to Rehab in Florida. I still look at that picture today and it reminds me of how I was feeling at that time because of addiction. Now, if the thought of using cross my mind, I ‘play the tape out” because I know that 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough (NA literature)

[songbirdgarden76]

Your post brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. That must not have been easy by any means. But thank goodness you looked into that mirror. That very well might have saved your life.

I thought for my situation that when I saw my husband crying in his truck on Sunday that, that was his moment to realize. But I guess not as he is still living with his new friends.

I’m in Florida and checked into some rehabs to find out information but I dont think he would ever go. I dont know….but like you said and like you experienced first hand, we cant make anyone do something they dont want to do.

Is your wife at home? Are you able to talk with her ? Does she just not want the help yet?

[fatherof3]

I think she thinks that I am going to keep dealing with this. I don’t know if I told you this but I moved from Pennsylvania to get her away from that crowd. I bought a beautiful home in Delaware only to have her find that crap down here. I packed some of her things and they are in the front foyer. This is it! Either she gets help or I’ll drive her to where she was and drop all of her things off with her. As I sit and think about the mess that she has caused our family. I want to go over where she is and hurt each and every last on of those people she hangs with. It’s like the person I met has died. I don’t know the person she is now. But I need to be happy as well. I’m tiered of staying up wondering if she is alright. So I think a good hard clean break would be best if she does not get help. We both deserve to be happy. in my case, I have to step away because in my heart she is not ready to get sober.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. I visited Delaware a few years ago and fell in love with the area. Its It’s amazing how they can find the drugs! My husband is the same way 🙁

It’s so hard when we think of everything they have put us through and we are the ones left to pick up the pieces. When I really sit down and think about it all I get so angry. All the time he blamed me. Insulted me, belittled me, yelled, screamed and picked so many fights. All the times I had no idea what was going on.

I know who the people are he is hanging around well. Well I found them on social media and it is so tempting to reach out to the guy who introduced my husband to them. But at the end of the day it was my husband who chose to get involved in this while I was in the hospital. He completely abandoned his family. Times like this as I sit here and write it all out I just get so angry. Angry at myself for still loving him, wanting him to get help for himself, our children, our family. All the while he is almost 60 years old and should know better! Makes me wonder about the last 12 years 🙁

So is your wife approachable about it or is it just goes unsaid? My husband and I were basically roommates and my stupidity thought it was because he was working so hard and I was busy being mom. I feel ashamed now. Only to go into the hospital and 3 days after I’m released he storms out and tells me he is no longer in love with me. Then I find out about the drug use. It’s so hard not to take it personally. But I do. Oh but I do.

[fatherof3]

Your husband and my wife are the same as far as blaming others for their drug use. She finally came in the house. Scared the crap out of me. I asked her why did’t she call? She said she went to sleep and somebody stole her phone (B.S.). The kids come running downstairs asking where she was. She said over her girlfriend’s house. She told me she was waiting to get that stimulus check so she could pay the girl back. I LOST IT. Now mind you, she claimed my son on her taxes when she was not supposed to. She was only to claim my stepson, both of whom I take complete care of. She got over $8000, that was gone in 1 month. She did not buy the kids anything, I mean anything. Now she’s out here getting drugs fronted to her with intentions of using that stimulus check to pay these people back. I’m ready to hurt all of them. One phone call is all it takes. I love her but I can’t stand her at the same time. She tells the kids it’s because I have a car and I do what I want, which is not true. My schedule consists of 10 hours a day for work and nursing school. Whatever time is left is spent with the kids. I wish I had a machine that can separate the defective parts of our loved ones. Something Star Trek like.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi! I also wish there was a way to separate the defective parts.

My husband took the down payment we were saving for a house. $30,000. Gone. He walked out, did not pay any of our bills, did not provide money for groceries, did not do anything that any responsible adult would do. He took my brand new vehicle back and gave me a car without working air conditioning. It’s over 100 degrees outside! I just cannot believe he is the same person I married and have loved for the last 12 years. I love him so much, want to fight for this, want to fix this, want him to want to fix this but I too, hate him. He isnt doing it just to me, there are children involved. Its heartbreaking. For me not knowing who he is really with or what he is really doing is beyond difficult. I keep hoping he will realize what he is doing but each day he doesnt speak to his children, doesnt see them. Doesnt help with the bills and I was/am a stay at home mom.

I’m so sad that you and your children are also going through this. Theres so much I wish we could chat about since our situations are so similar and you have insight that I am completely clueless about. Wish there was a private message option! Just having someone going through something similar helps so much.

How was your wife when you were recovering?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi Fatherof3. Just checking in with you. Hope everything is going okay.

[fatherof3]

Thank you SongbirdGarden76, I’m doing well. Yesterday was my son’s 9th birthday. I tried to make it special but with limited things to do, it was kind of difficult but I got it done. How about you, are you feeling a little better?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi there! Happy Birthday to your son. I’m not doing so great. I found out people my husband are associating with are into heavier drugs than I thought. I’m still having a very hard time that he chose drugs over his family. Now he is having these people address and handle his financial affairs which is something I did for 12 years. These people arent his friends. I dont get it. I got some troubling news regarding my family and I have no one there for me. The feeling of rejection is just so much. After countless messages to him over the last few weeks to make sure he knows he isnt alone, I still get nothing in return. He came to see the kids 2,days ago and started crying. I consoled him. Someone overdosed on his apartment floor, then died 3 days later. But he was crying as he read a text that he sent to the person avout their drug use. He somehow thinks the heavier drugs are worse than what he is doing. It’s like he cares more about these people and “helping” them and just left us in the dust. I just dont get how he wants to be around these people. He has children and I was a good wife, I loved him unconditionally. I messaged him today that not one thing he did over the last 3 months was him. I told him I have to handle everything now that he chose to walk away from our life. I juat dont understand. 🙁

[fatherof3]

Hello SongbirdGarden67, First, I want to thank you for wishing my son a happy birthday that really means a lot to us that you would take time and give him birthday wishes. But anyway, WOW! I am so sorry to hear that you are not doing so great. So, in my opinion you have 2 options at this point. One, you can walk away and let him continue down the road he is going to save you and your children. Or option two, after researching your state’s laws regarding cases like yours. You can file the Marchman Act petition. I know, what is the MARCHMAN ACT? Read below.

The Marchman Act is the nickname for a Florida Statute best known for its unique provisions that allow family members to petition the courts for mandatory assessment and treatment of someone who is abusing drugs or alcohol appear to be a danger to themselves or others.

There’s more to this you just have to do a little digging. But if you are willing to try one last thing, this is your best option in my opinion.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3! How are you? Thanks so much for the information. I reached out to a local attorney here and it appears I wouldn’t have enough for the Marchman Act. I’ve decided to let him go. I don’t want to but he made his choice. Rejection, abandonment and shame has consumed me for the past 3 months. I was holding out hope and praying for a miracle.

He isnt going to realize his mistakes. He isnt going to come home. He chose to leave me for a homeless drug addict / alcoholic. He chose to chose that life over ours. I put everything into our life, our family and our future.

I thought there were a few steps in the right direction as he cried a few times when he was here. When he asked for my advice when talking with family after his dad died (they weren’t close). But those werent signs. It was me being desperate and foolish. He chose to be with people who have criminal pasts including trafficking drugs. He told me that one of their “friends” overdosed on the bathroom floor of his apartment and my husband performed CPR and saved his life. He told me that person died a few days later. But he still went back to that environment, that life. I am beginning to believe that the past 12 years were a lie.

I think it’s just better for me to walk away. As much as I dont want to. I’ve asked him to get the rest of his belongings and he has refused. He is stalling for what reason I do not know. He doesnt make an effort to see our children. He just left us and only provides minimal money for groceries while I know he supports his new girlfriend and their new friends. All of these “friends” all came from her. I was able to track them back to her and the connection to her is from the handyman that was at our house for months and who my husband considered a “friend”. I’m not wanted. The kids arent wanted and it’s time to bury the hope and love I was holding onto. While I was at the hospital my husband was getting high and moving on, planning his escape. I am an exceptional person and a really good wife. It’s time I remember who I was and get back to loving myself and being strong for my kids.

How is your situation going?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. Just checking in….how are you??

[fatherof3]

I’m well, doing the best I can under theses circumstances. What have you been up too?

I hope you are doing well spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi Fatherof3. How are you? My husband told me today that he was hiding from me for years by focusing on his work. He said he didnt care how much money I spent as long as I left him alone. He completely ignored the drug use, his crumbling business and the people he is hanging out with. I completely give up at this point.

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