[broken2020]

Hello

Tonight I have walked away from my 4 year relationship.

I believe the 4 years have just been lies. I have forgiven and offered so many chances, so much love but they have been lies from cannabis, heroin, crack, porn, gambling. If I was to write it all down I would be here forever!

Most recently I found out he was dealing and using crack again. I told him whilst dealing I would not be in his life. He assured me it had ended along with the drug use and I agreed to another chance. His mam has already detached and I didn’t want to leave him alone. But tonight I found out he still has been dealing, using crack, gambling and going on sex sites.

I walked. I walked away for the first time and it took every ounce of strength I had left. I’m in so much pain.

I don’t know what to tell my family, my children who will wonder where he is? We don’t live together but he has been present in their life so much.

I really don’t know what to do, I feel like the person I shared my life with was not real. It’s all been fake. He says he loves me but that is not love.

It’s so hard as I have to still function, go to work, look after the kids, look after my parents I can’t afford to grieve and I don’t want anyone to know how stupid I have been. I have hidden the situation from everyone for years.

Now I am all alone in this grief. I’m sorry for wallowing. I just needed to reach out.

[esta]

Forgive yourself and let go

You have nothing to be ashamed of you have been honest and given love to someone who has abused it beyond all limits

You feel broken because you are mentally and physically exhausted but day by day it will get easier

Some days will feel just too hard (just do what you need to do to get through them) but they will fade as your self confidence and strength comes back

Keep moving forward

He will not change

He will let you carry his weight without a care for your feelings as long as you let him

There is life without him and you will look back and realise you are right it’s a relationship based on lies, manipulation with no truth

Let yourself be free of it all and live again – not having to lie and cover up all the time feels so good

You deserve to be happy

And you will be once you get through this part which is horrendous the grief can be overwhelming and you feel it will never end and you will never get over it – but you will – eventually – just try to stay strong and not go back

Being on your own is less lonely than being in a one sided relationship trying to work out what is lies or truth and left in limbo when they disappear for days up to all sorts and we are left worrying when they don’t give us a second thought

You are not alone – there are so many of us going through the same awful torture because that’s what it is – and a good relationship is not that – it’s full of love trust and honesty and you don’t find that stuck in the past

Don’t be afraid to tell your family the truth it will help draw a final line underneath it all

It’s done and they want better for you and you telling them means there is no going back

It will all pass and everything will change for the better

You took the first step and walked away – now keep going

X

[adfren67]

This is so hard, especially being alone in your grief however, Esta is right, you took the first step and now keep on going. You’ve done what’s right in the long run for you and your family. You deserve more and to be happy. I know it’s so much easier said than done but you’ve overcome one of the hardest parts by taking the first step, many of us are yet to be as brave and strong. Your not alone (albeit I know internet support is not the same) but hopefully can help you keep going Xxx

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to read your story and see how much pain your very hard and brave choice has given you. If you would like to talk through how you are feeling and get some help, please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that offers support to people going through what you have been dealing with. One of our trained and experienced Family Friends who would understand what you’ve been through would get in touch if you contact us.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[broken2020]

Thank you for your kind words and taking time to respond.

I’m really struggling and not going to lie. I thought I could be a strong independent woman and do what needed to be done and get on with it with my head held high. I’m so wrong☹️

The forum is my only outlet as I’m having to suppress everything and no one knows about my situation I still have work, look after kids, pets, house etc. It’s causing extreme anxiety. I just feel like I can’t grieve, breathe or think as life is so busy with everything else.

I made the mistake of seeing him today. I drove him to his therapy session on my break. When I had to drop him back off it was like saying goodbye all over again. My heart’s broke and my soul aches. I sobbed and sobbed and he held me but he didn’t shed a tear. He must of got board as after about two minutes he said he needed to go in and have something to eat!

This hurt so much as I wish I could eat!! I just feel sick to the stomach.

I know he doesn’t deserve me and what he has done has been cruel but then why do I care so much, I think there is something wrong with me. If I was giving advice to a friend I would tell them to have got rid ages ago. Seems I can’t follow my own advice.

I feel empty, confused and deeply sad. I wish I could say I’ve made the right decision but I can’t see past the sadness yet.

[esta]

How are you doing ?

[esta]

It’s co dependency and trauma attachment

It’s so hard to separate from someone who you have given so much to and to realise they don’t appreciate it at all – you end up trying to prove yourself again and again

Trying to validate it all

I promise you that you will eventually Get to the other side

Don’t beat yourself up you are exhausted and that makes everything seem so much worse

Accept that you will feel absolutely broken and helpless and sad (maybe bordering Hysterical) beyond belief – that’s all a normal part of the grieving process – it is horrendous

You don’t have to end things on a bad Note

Honesty has been missing in the relationship but maybe now you have nothing to lose you can speak truthfully to get closure

There is no right or wrong way to deal with it just so what you need to do

Clarity will come with time and what is now so painful will pass

Give yourself time x

[broken2020]

Hi Esta

I was overwhelmed that you thought of me and then couldn’t find the strength to respond because of the mess I am in and feel so stupid.

Will try and cut a long story short but I stuck to my guns, then his mam cut him off and I knew he had no-one at Christmas. I felt so sad for him stuck in his horrible flat with no food. So I said he could come for Christmas dinner. It was horrible he was skin and bone and he was falling asleep at the table. Nothing would wake him and I know too well that that is his come down sleep. I really don’t know what my family must of thought but they said nothing and neither did I.

I took him back home Christmas day and from what I gather went on a drug binge and then fell in to depression and told me he was suicidal. He said he was done with drugs and wanted help.

Stupidly I agreed to help and he managed 2 weeks sober and now he is back hounding me for money. Tonight I have flung money at him and walked out. I know it enables him but I can’t stand the thought of violence. So gave him it and left. At present I am a mixture of anger and sadness. I don’t know where to turn.

Whilst he was doing well for the 2 weeks he went and asked for help from drug services but it was useless there is no treatment for crack cocaine. He is already on a opiate substitute. There really is not much in our area.

I’m sorry for my late reply but I’m so disappointed with myself for being so weak.

I hope you are well as you obviously have your own story. Thank you for thinking of me.

[Author]

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