[andylou]

Hi, I’m sure my story is like others but this is the first time I have tried to connect with people that understand. I have been married for 20 years but together for 30. We have 4 amazing kids ages from 6-18. I’ve never used drugs. My hubby use to dabble when he was a teenager and smoke. 14 years ago our baby was still born… this was the beginning of a downward slope. I cant remember how but he started using coke and was bought to my attention when he had chest pains and I called a ambulance… he admitted he had been using coke…. life carried on and things were ‘normal’ but while I was pregnant 6 years ago he started staying out, not coming home, the lies etc… eventually came to a head when he hadn’t come home one night the next morning I dropped kids at school and went to his friends ( business partner) house where I found him… he had slept on the sofa. This was the turning point where he accepted he had a problem. He went to NA and got clean. He stopped drinking, parted from his business partner for various reasons…. life was better! Fast forward to this year, he reconnected with the people who he did drugs with before… then the tell tale signs.. ignoring my calls after work, home late, drink/drug driving and then eventually didn’t come home at all. He has admitted ( in august) that he’s been using again. I had all the promises….but nothing has changed. I do believe he doesn’t want to lose me/family but is now in total self destruct. He’s still going to work and supporting us as my business has been effected big time my COVID. I’ve cried, shouted, said nothing false threats but nothing is working. I’m scared if tell him to leave what he may do. So here I am 11pm he’s not come home and ignoring my calls… I’m just at a total loss as what to do 🙁 I just want my husband back but this evil drug is slowly taking him….

[debc]

Hi Andylou, welcome to the Forum, where you will find many people in the same situation, a great place to connect with and chat to other people.

Your story makes me feel sad, I have a Son who is an addict, and after reading your story, I wonder if the addiction ever goes away, what a thought, to have to live with.

My Son is currently in recovery, but always waiting for the time that they relapse, which is awful really.

Friday nights always used to be the worst when he was really bad and I know exactly how you are feeling about ignoring the calls etc, have been there many times.

They will only change or reach out for help when they want to. Cocaine is an evil drug, completely changes them in lots of ways. I think the lying is the worst thing, and it’s very hard to learn to trust them again.

Read other stories on here. Most important thing is to look after you and your children first.

Keep chatting on here, I find it helps a lot.

Take care.

Dx

[stemgirl]

Hi,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’re not alone. Our stories are all a little different here but ultimately we all love or have loved an addict.

In my limited experience, making threats with no follow through will just allow your boundaries to be repeatedly destroyed.

My relationship wasn’t nearly as long as yours so I understand the unwillingness to risk all that. However, every time I set a boundary but didn’t follow through when it was broken, another boundary was soon broken until I was living a life I didn’t want with a person I didn’t recognise. I walked and he didn’t even fight for me. I know he loved me but unfortunately he loved alcohol and cocaine more.

If you do ask him to leave you must be willing to allow that to happen. An addicts life needs to become uncomfortable enough for them to choose change or indeed relationships over their beloved drug. The codependency we as loved ones foster can make it easier for the addict to continue as they are and for us to be consumed with caring for/worrying for them.

Don’t sit there feeling alone. This whole experience is so very lonely sometimes but these issues are more common than I had ever realised.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck and strength to fight off this sickness.

[andylou]

Thankyou for your replies, he came in @ 3am climbed into bed then got up for work @7am. Back home now and sparko on the sofa. Im so sad its come to this. I know I need to ask him to leave but jeeze its hard. My 6 year old idolises him. Previously he wanted the help…now he says he wants us, says he doesnt want the coke but doesnt want to stop drinking and seeing his ‘friends’ for as long as he has this attitude theres no hope. I just need to be strong…Im fed up of being the strong one. I cry behind closed doors..when im out running, in bed etc…kids just think its normal that dads not here. It fustrates me that they think he is just out working….im trying to hold it together but im struggling…

[stemgirl]

This sounds so, so hard.

The bargaining seems to be a theme. Unfortunately, if there isn’t complete abstinence from gateway drugs like alcohol I’d be worried too. Like you say, it has to be his decision and it sounds like he’s still hedging his bets or but willing to accept he needs to stop everything and probably stay away from triggers including friends who use drugs.

I really hope you are doing as ok as you can be. It took so much for me to leave my partner and his children, and to continue to stay strong and not give in now we are apart. I hope you have some support from family and friends?

It is frustrating that the kids can’t understand. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to best deal with things in the best way for you and your children.

Stay strong and don’t feel alone or let yourself be too isolated. Take care 🙂

[georgie1410]

My partner died at the aged of 46 from heart failure due to alcohol and cocaine. My son found him and he was only five years old. I suggest you ask him to leave until he gets himself sorted. The children must come first. My son still has PTSD and he’s 21yrs old.

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