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Hello, as the title states I have just found out about my husbands addiction. Literally about 3 hours ago. We have been together since we were in school, I never thought this would be something I was having to do. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. There has been things in the past few weeks that haven’t added up and he has looked me in the face and lied. I found out about a secret credit card about 6 weeks ago which he said he had been gambling. He finally admitted everything this morning and that everything he has told me is a lie and it was all cocaine. To make things worse he had taken my credit card without me knowing. As I had paid it off I had cancelled the direct debit and didn’t check the account. Stupidly I didn’t get rid of it. I now have £4000 of debt under my name due to his addiction. I feel so alone and so betrayed. I can’t stop crying
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I cant really offer any advice because im in the same situation myself and dont really know what to do. I got engaged a year ago and found out that my partner had been a cocaine addict all along. He has told so many lies and owes alot of money to drug dealers.
Hope you are ok x
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I really feel for you. I came on this sight because I haven’t got anyone i can speak to about it, if i speak to family they wouldn’t understand and obviously want to protect me. I have found it a comfort talking to people who understand.
If im honest im not dealing with it very well, my partner did go to some drug counselling but only went to 3 sessions and lied about going and then eventually stopped going. I dont think he is using now but i cant say 100% hes isn’t because of all the lies he has told me.
He is a different man to the one i first met, he hit a very low point and things did turn around a bit after that but im so full of anger and upset towards him because hes ruined what we had and broke my trust. I cant see our relationship lasting because its not and never will be how it was before this mess. Im thinking of you, i know how horrible it is x
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Good afternoon. Really sorry to hear more stories of how this awful drug cocaine has been destroying families and relationships. Cocaine really is the road to ruin. I absolutely hate the drug, loathe it in fact. Long story short, I lost my kind, loyal, loving family man to this drug. He is no longer none of that, and in truth if they don’t get the help they need then you can bet your life on it they WONT stop or be the person you need them to be. Cocaine is a powerful drugs and seems to transform people into monsters. I’ve read alot about how the drug affects the brain, so it might be worthwhile doing some research to understand the substance.
Beware for the constant lies, deceitfulness, betrayals, mood swings, blame and damn right nastiness.
If these people don’t get help then I’d say “get out” because they will bring you down into their destructiveness.
How to deal with an addict is simple, you can’t! Accept that you are powerless over THEIR addiction and you’re half way there. You can only focus on YOU now. Detach from their behavior and all the rest of it and begin to focus on yourself and what you want in your life and believe me it’s not this life.
Like I say I was with my partner for 22 years – good years. Two lovely girls with a fairly good life but he chose cocaine – cocaine will always win unless they want help, and even then it’s a long road to recovery!
Wish I had better and more positive things to say, however very few make it after revealing this devil drug.
And 4000 on one credit card – sounds like he has it pretty bad to me.
Just bear in mind an addict will tell you what you want/ need to hear in terms of “wanting to stop” but it’s all bs… It’s all in recovery and hard work so if they are lying about sessions and not attending CA etc because “it’s not for them” then there’s your answer! They ain’t motivated to stop yet!
Good luck people and remember you deserve better than this!
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Can i ask you kel at what point did you decide enough was enough and walk away. I have days where i think he can be a family man and he just needs some support and we can get through it. And then he will lie and something or be sneaky on the phone or accuse me of something and then it reminds me that actually he is still that person.
Thank you for what you said in your last post, it is something i needed to hear.
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When it finally broke me was when I found out he went home with a stranger and had unprotected sex with her and decided to tell me all of the details of the sordid encounter in front of one of my daughters. That was when I knew he hit an all time low and enough was enough. On top of that the lies was relentless and the blame. After my mum died of cancer he was looking at porn. Now this is a man who was loyal and loving. I lost him to that drug. He changed, cocaine changes their character completely. What’s heartbreaking is that we was not his rock bottom so prepare yourself for that reality. He lied to my face initially but call it women’s instinct I just new. Betrayal comes hand in hand with that drug but I suppose you have to face up to whether you want to excuse the behavior or if you’re worth more than that bs. And you definitely are worth more. It would have gotten alot worse and it will.
It’s awful the longer you stay, in fact it’s just devastating whatever way round you look at it.
One thing I will say is that if you stay keep yourself safe and keep talking to others. Do not hide behind THEIR shame. Because it’s their shame and not yours. Despite what you feel do not isolate yourself.
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Thank you for your honesty. I have only just started speaking out because i had got to a point where i was so hurt and upset and angry inside it was/is changing who i am as a person. Like i said i dont think he is still using, but can never been 100% because of the trust issues we now have. But he still isnt the person he was. He spends half the time sleeping. Your right it is devastating which ever way you look at it. It breaks my heart to think that what once was, is just gone now. Abd the alternative is to put up with this awful situation until or if something changes.
Hes said and done some awul things, it really is soup destroying when i love him like i do xx
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You still love the person, but not the addict (behavior), always drum that into your head. Well, sleeping is a sure sign. Other signs include, running nose, almost mimicking cold like symptoms, dilated eyes, talkativeness, secrecy, mood swings, anger, and the lack of emotions! That’s the biggy the complete loss of emotions! Depression follows, amongst other signs.
You would not really know if an addict has stopped if you’re listening to what they say, the only way to know is to watch out for the behaviors as listed.
I hope you are one of the very few that make it I really do, but in all honesty I would not hold you’re hopes up to high. What follows are the relapses and that can just be as awful. Trust your senses. Get some support from Al Anon as they help people like us that are affected by another person substance misuse.
I’m a strong person but honestly this broke me and so I would strongly urge you to speak out to all support available to you. You will need the help and guidance.
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Thank you so much. Everyone had always told me im a strong person, and i thought i was. But this i having a huge affect on how i feel. Even if he isnt using i cant get over everything thats happened in the past ( i say past it was only xmas he accessed help and that soon stopped)
He thinks im just angry bitter and twisted, he doesnt understand that he has caused it all.
I agree with you about the complete loss of emotions, he was such a loving kind person i dont even recognise that in him anymore. He is cold and his comments are unkind. Often critical and accusing me of things. Very rarely gets out of bed before lunch. I have known him sleep on a friday evening and get up on a sunday and not even get up to urinate.
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Yep this is the behavior, the blame, criticism and nastiness. It’s all deflection. You are strong as am I but it’s a shock, huge one. Betrayal is the begining of hell. Lies, sleeping alot and all the awfulness that comes along with it. Unfortunately it sounds as though he has gone now. To get the balance back to the brain takes some time, but the pull of that drugs seems to be stronger than the will of these people. You will notice how selfish they become. I’m sorry you feel let down I really am, as I do know what you are going through, it’s awful and scary.
I’m always here if you need to talk.
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Thank you i appreciate that. I just keep thinking back to a year ago when we got engaged. He was so loving he would have done anything for me and our family he must have been using at the time as i didnt know about this then. But he was still a much nicer person. Its only since me knowing and challenging him about things that this behaviour has spiralled. A year ago he would have been furious if anyone spoke to me the way he speaks to me now x
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That’s the thing, addicts have skills, unhealthy skills to mask, manipulate healthy people. But then the addiction eventually rears its ugly head. Be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself or listen to any of the nastiness that spills from their mouths as that’s to wear you down. Next it will be you’re crazy bla bla or blow it out of proportion etc but that’s BS.
A life with a cocaine addict is not one you want and if this is a fairly new relationship then I’d think about you and you’re future and what you want. It’s hell and hard work supporting one! Ultimately it’s down to him tho.
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Iv already had all of that. Im the crazy one, and that hes ok now and im the one that needs help because i cant just get over it. Could understand if he had been clean for 5 years but its been months maybe less if hes used behind my back again. Denied it to my face then said he had to take drugs to be with me! Always turning things around. Did your partner just slob about all the time? He’s literally got zero motivation whethers hes using or not he only gets up if hes forced to half the time.
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Please detach from all that blame as that’s all projection and an attempt to wear you down. You’re not crazy and all the rest of it that’s spills from his mouth, his an addict period! Alot of the time these people defend, deny and blame to shift your focus from them to you because they simply don’t was to deal with their issues.
As for motivated or lack of yes my ex partner in the end was lazy, rude, unreasonable, and distant.
The thing with this drug it cannot coexist with another healthy person, unless this person “puts up”. Essentially this is what they want because they just don’t want to stop using.
In the end I think mine was probably using at least four times a week. Ended up whilst we was all in bed, so not even a social thing! That’s when you know it’s bad when they use in the home alone, in the car/van or anywhere actually alone.
It’s affects everything, work, relationships, behavior, mental health the lot. In the end he became a shell – nothing behind the eyes, just cold, emotionless carcass.
They love cocaine – at first, then hate it then love it. In essence they’re in a relationship with the drug.
The drug affects their brain which affects the way they think, feel and behave. Unfortunately cocaine seems to win hands down every time. I’ve heard all the lies and all the sob stories and excuses. It’s all just noise. It’s in the action, and by that I mean they need to be actively attending meetings, drug services and anything to get themselves better again. Also, they need to learn about triggers, cravings and coping strategies, but sadly that’s alot of effort and mostly people don’t do all of this until they are ready to change. And that could be when rock bottom becomes a basement and then some.
I’ve mostly read about loss, how this drug will take everything from a person and they end up with nothing!
Maybe it just “clicks” one day for them and they have enough! But like I say that could take years and a hell of a lot of motivation from self.
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Thank you what you have said makes so much sense. I find myself crying because hes just so cold hearted, hes horrible. But he does have times where he seems to go between being 2 different people. He say im ridiculous for still being upset about it when hes clean. Thing is he might not be using but hes still not very nice the motivation is still not there infact its worse than ever his mood and comments.
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Typically this sort of behavior is due to “come downs” so I wouldn’t be so quick to think he isn’t using. He may well not be but what id suggest in that case is to ask him if he’d agree to drug testing and do it weekly or every four days at least. When I did this I still got lied to even when the test was positive. Lying is ridiculous! I think they probably Believe their own lies – DENIAL!
If he is treating you this way when he isn’t using id be suspicious ad to why. On top of that I think you’ll always wonder and worry if he is using or not and that’s no way to live.
As for the Jekyll and Hyde, having a two-sided personality – one side of which is good and the other not so is all warning signs of drug use.
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The thing is i dont think he is using but the signs do say otherwise. I thought i would have known if he did it again after last time. Especially in lockdown.
Thank you for your advice, i have ignored my gut all way along and i think its time i need to listen. Its like hes a leech. He drains everything. Hes never got money even tho worked full time before lockdown always borrowing off someone or owing someone, he lost all my no claims on my car insurance, any change round the house he takes it, i pay all the bills and food most of the time. Saving for anything together would never happen. Hes also having a huge problem with snoring is that related to drug use?
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Awww listen I’ve been going thru it for a while now and you’re just getting your head around it all so don’t beat yourself up! Always follow your gut instinct, and don’t be like me for a long time trying to turn a blind eye which I will say is out of fear of change. Basically I didn’t want any of it to be true. I drove myself mad.
All of what you say about having no money is of course driven by the drug use, debts etc. Cocaine is so expensive!
As for the snoring, well the thing is over time the method of using, up the nose will damage a person’s sense of smell and structure to the nose, can even lead to a collapse of the nose so yeh it can affect snoring etc.
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Thank you. I know he owes £4000 which hes been paying. And i know hes got a huge hole in his nose when i discovered it i cried my eyes out.
He seems to think because hes ‘clean’ now everything can be normal but the damage is already done and when hes continues to lie, it just makes things even worse if thats possible. Sorry for ranting to you, I appreciate you have taken time to message me.
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Yeh my exes nose looked different. £4000 is so much money, it’s heartbreaking. How do you know he isn’t using currently? Have you tested him? I’m not saying that as I don’t believe you, it’s I wouldn’t believe him if that is what he is saying.
If he has spent that much and has damage like that and is not getting any support or little support then I can’t see it myself. I have never heard of anyone just being able to stop like that! And if it’s only been days or even weeks then that don’t really count in my opinion as “clean”. Id say minimum three to six months off it can count as clean time.
And what usually happens is an addict would substitute so he may switch to another drug like weed or alcohol to help.
I dunno maybe he is off it but I’m like the FBI when it comes to addicts!
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Yeah I understand what your saying, the only thing that makes me think he isnt is because of being in lockdown and him not having any money. All the signs are there. His nose is always running, always has done. Blames it on hayfever. When he blows his nose he had pieces of mucusy flesh that comes out (i know that sounds awful)
I have thought about buying tests, but then i just think really should i even be having to do random drug spot checks on my partner its no way to live is it. When i said about the sessions he went to 3 in 2 months so missed 5. Lied about going to one, actually went out the house and everything. The woman who did the sessions came knocking on the door for him wondering why he hadnt been. He never went back.
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Lockdown won’t stop them, dealers are still working and as for having no money, well as long as he isn’t getting any on tick. I suppose if he isn’t going out then maybe he ain’t but if he is well then keep an open mind.
The mucus coming out of the nose is damage from drug use.
I get what you mean about testing, it isn’t a way to live but neither is worrying, mistrusting and all the other suspicious activity.
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Yes i agree, its no life either way. I would have trusted him with my life, no i find myself looking through his pockets and wallet. It what it does to you isnt it! Iv shouted at him before and said things back when hes said things to me. I wouldnt have ever done that either, but it how its getting me. I dont want to be that person, so then i feel angry with myself for getting like that.
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Of course you feel that way, as you’ve had to face disappointment and a whole other range of emotions no doubt. Your reaction is completely understandable, and yes of course it isn’t how you want to be.
We want to be loved, cared for and respected as we all do. But that’s not what is happening here is it, so in other words you are reacting to bs.
I don’t miss the heartbreak of finding the wraps, lil bags all over the place. It slowly wears you down emotionally, and believe me it can destroy you to your very core.
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I can believe that. I just need to find the strength to deal with all of this. Which is something im struggling with hes wore me down that much over time.
Thank you again for replying and for your honesty
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Well don’t go to far down the rabbit hole. When all came on top for me I was on the floor! I had people supporting me when I took the brave steps to remove him from my life, and after those many years it wasnt easy facing life separately. Still isn’t to be fair but the alternative is so much worse.
Keep reading the threads here, keep researching and keep talking.
Always focus on you and let him get on with it. If you’re going to stay then don’t look for his stuff, detach from threats and any arguments, literally let him get on with it. Wants to waste his life then let him but don’t waste your energy on it.
You’d be surprised if you stop responding he will wonder why and it might just stop him in his tracks, and keep you sane.
Always here.
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I think that’s really good advice that I’m going to try and and follow
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Thank you
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Cant thank you enough. I cant give much advise on the drugs side of things but if you ever need me to listen im here. Thank you x
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No problem and remember to look after yourself. Thank you for your kind words also
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