[redfox20]

I’ve spoken to a lot of you on here so you may be familiar with my story. I’m coming on here today as im just so confused & don’t know what the best thing to do for my family is. My partner moved out last may after he kept disappearing twice sometimes 3x a month. He’s not abusive when he uses just very distant he also hides away after he uses and I think it’s because he’s ashamed and let’s us down. He’s a lovely person in between binges ive also noticed money is a huge trigger for him he lost a job due to relapsing Christmas as he was upset he wasn’t with us. Since then he’s been out of touch until the last week or so it’s been very full on we’ve spoken every day on the phone he’s checked in to see how i am we’ve also spent an evening together we cuddled and it’s clear we really miss each other an are just stuck in this nightmare ???? He’s been in touch all week today been paid as he got a new job last week and yep you guessed it he’s disappeared. What I want to know is would it be more helpful if he were back home when he’s not here I miss him terribly and worry at least when he’s here I know what he’s up to does that make sense?? I want to sit down with him and maybe see if he will let me or he’s mum take control of he’s finances now as he clearly can’t control himself, then hope in time this works and he can come back home. I dunno what to think at the min my heads all over the place and need to speak to him the only message he read today was one where I said he’s taking advantage of me and I don’t want to see him or talk to him unless it’s about the kids now I’m kicking myself coz I’ve overreacted ive sent another saying I don’t mean this, and I don’t want to not speak to him but need to find a way to not get caught up in hes problem but be supportive is that possible anyone done this i have read up on it it’s called detaching with love. I just feel that regardless of what we do whether we are there or not they will use either way so what’s better for you both some sort of communication or nothing and your both hurting? Any advice would be great, sending love & strength to you all on here. X

[unsure2021]

If you have him home your taking 10 step back , your heart must be breaking but your doing soo good ,stay strong x

[redfox20]

Hey thank you i know deep down that’s the wrong thing to do, it’s just so hard when he’s struggling & im powerless. I think the best way is to just detach when he’s using and not get in touch let him get in touch with me as this stops me getting worried and sucked back in. Hope you’re okay, it’s so tough isn’t it. X

[unsure2021]

I know what you mean, one day I’m toughening up and as you say detaching but then they hit a low and you instantly feel for them and want to help but nothing we do or say will help , just think of it like this ,when your struggling is he coming to get you out of it ? You have struggled and your getting there on your own , you should be so proud of yourself, just continue focusing on you and the family and let him carry on his way until he decides he needs to sort life out x hope you ok sending big hug

[redfox20]

Hey, its such a learning curve isn’t it i read up on it all watch all the videos yet when I’m in it all rationale goes out of the window! We have to learn how to retrain our brain too like an addict as we’re addicted to saving them, I’m really annoyed i reacted he’s read the messages where I said I didn’t mean it it’s just so frustrating because I want to have him in my life somehow but need to find a way to cut myself off from he’s problem I will get there hopefully. Thank you, I’m hoping all this back and forth with us is making him realise something has to change. How’s things with you? X

[unsure2021]

Aw we broke up got back again , he overdosed was ill but back to his usual numb uncaring self again , I’m going to his today but I am preparing myself for it to be the last time I see him he seems to think calling me up and talking to me like shit then hanging up is him having a laugh last night told him I’m not having it anymore so when I go over if he still continues being cold and distant and not even wanting to have a cuddle then I’m going to say gdbye ,it’s killing my mental health thinking I’m not good enough for him , why doesn’t he love me enough back why doesn’t he want to touch me in any way , why does he hate me so much that he enjoys saying horrible things to get a reaction, I know what to expect tonight so probably be on here tomorrow heartbroken but I need to do this x

[redfox20]

Hey, sorry to hear that things are not going well for him. He doesn’t seem in a good place mentally, & that maybe why he’s nothing to offer you. Closure could be what you need it’s so hard to step away even if you do for a little while doesn’t have to be forever until you feel better to deal with things. I hope it goes well later, never doubt yourself you are good enough it’s he’s problem it has nothing to do with you try not take anything he does personally while he’s in active addiction easier said than done I know x

[nvn]

Hi Redfox20

I am on a family support group which is helpful for me. They talk a lot about detaching with love, it’s about having your own boundaries and putting them in place and not enabling the addict. Without realising it I was enabled a lot, thinking I was doing the best for him. I would handle the finances and I left him with no responsibility really, I was ‘mothering’ him. I had to change that, he went into rehab and has since come out and is recovery. He has relapsed but he is not back at square one and he is 14 days clean again and going to meetings. I am no expert in this matter and I can only go off experience and what I’ve learnt from others that have been through this too….I take a lot from the three C’s too….I didn’t CAUSE it I can’t CURE it and I can’t CONTROL it. Accepting that I was powerless to control it is the hardest thing for me being a bit of a control freak. I know this doesn’t help you right now but I read your post and wanted to reply and say that you’re not alone, there are so many going through it all at different stages. Be strong and think of your self care. It doesn’t matter if the addict in your life is living with you, they will still use if they really want to, sometimes they need to hit rock bottom before they can seek help from themselves x

[redfox20]

Hi thank you so much for your reply. Is the support group Alanon? I did enquire about this before but haven’t joined any online meetings yet i may do it as I feel like i really could do with the support now and it will help me navigate some sort of relationship with him. I’m quite good with boundaries he’s not allowed home until he’s clean, although I questioned this yesterday in a fit of madness! I will not lend any money or help in anyway financially, i would never make excuses for he’s behaviour although I have learned to seperate the addict from the person that’s the only way I don’t hold grudges and can continue to speak to him. I do try rescue when he’s relapsing but as you know it doesn’t get you anywhere just banging your head against a brick wall. He can go periods without it it’s been 7 weeks as he was without a job sometimes he can have money and not touch it but when it’s been so long without money it’s to tempting I have asked him before to let us take charge of he’s finances he said no and got very defensive so haven’t brought it up again, i may try again though & test the waters. That’s amazing your partner is in rehab I hope he’s recovery continues to go well, i fully accept relapses are part of the process but everyone he has is so painful as it’s steps back hopefully he pulls himself out of it as he usually cuts us off and is depressed after them. Yes I have realised this he has said he’s worse at he’s mothers house but he was still doing it here when I allowed him back last year for a brief period. He’s hit rock bottom a few times lost jobs not seen the kids but he knows I wouldn’t stop him as he’s a good father and he takes care of them when they stay with him he’s mum is always there and i feel whether he sees them or not he will still use so I wouldn’t use them against him. Thank you, it really helps coming on here as much as I wish none of us were here of course. Hope you’re well x

[unsure2021]

Hey well last night went really good left very happy, I felt like the man I met was back with me last night, sitting here in cloud 9 all warm inside all happy but trying to tell myself to stop it lol , cos I know it’s not going to stay like this is it , we all know how it goes ,I love him so much but I hate that I do , sound so cheesy and cliche x hope you have had a gd weekend

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