[Frahar]

My husband of not even 6 months has gone back to using cocaine he had a problem with it before we got together and apart from a brief relapse at the start of our relationship he had left that life behind, just before our wedding his obsessive ex who had been trying to split us up finally wound me up so much I finally snapped and we ended up having a fight and because my husband put hands on her to split it up she got him arrested and took out a non molestation order and his access to his little girl was stopped, he lived and breathed for his daughter he stayed in the toxic relationship for her the ex was abusive and violent to him and had her own drug issues he would freely admit he reacted violently back to her at times however once social services became involved she claimed domestic violence to avoid legal proceedings (she had a previous child removed for neglect before my husband became involved with her) tbh I would have believed her too had I not have been on the receiving end of her lies and abusive behaviour many times myself. Anyway contact with his daughter was stopped and since then he slowly began drinking more and more then around Xmas time he obviously began using again when I say the man I know has all but disappeared I’m not exaggerating he isn’t violent but the nastiness is out of this world he has been out of our home since feb but msgs most days one minute he is sorry threatening suicide and saying how he hates what he’s doing the next he’s telling me how everything is my fault how I’ve ruined his life and I won’t go into details but he’s very very hurtful towards me I actually can’t get my head round how his personality has completely changed I’ve never known anything like it he is sniffing most of his earnings and looks terrible he is paranoid and convinced because I changed a profile pic on my WhatsApp that I’m seeing someone else (I’m not) I know somewhere in this horrible person is the man I married but the longer this goes on I can’t see him coming back I suffer with bad anxiety and I know I have took out my insecurities on him throughout our relationship (at the start of our relationship during his relapse he kissed a woman in a pub) I have accused him of cheating when he hasn’t done anything to warrant being accused since that day…. I wish I didn’t react to his ex that day then none of this would be happening deep down I think he blames me for the loss of his little girl.  I am so miserable I just want my old husband back sometimes he messages and I think he’s there then soon as he sniffs he’s gone again he currently saying we’re over and he wants a divorce soon as we’ve been married a year but he’ll probably msg saying how much he loves me again soon I feel like I’m going crazy I don’t know what version to expect but I don’t want to give up either because I love him so much.

[jamesb]

Wow, Diz I’m really sorry you are going through this and we’ll done for finding this space and reaching out.

I always start my responses on here by making sure you know I’m not a professional so I can only give advise based on my own battle with addiction. I myself am a recovering cocaine addict who has been as low as it gets so try to explain now best I can how for me at least the truths behind addicts actions. Again I can only go off myself and not every addict is going to be the same as me but hopefully I can help.

 

Right let’s get into it.

Reading everything you said and all things considered I will start with that your husband loves you. He really does.

All of the things he has gone through losing access to his child etc have been traumatic to him and as he had previously been a user of cocaine when things got too much for him mentally having to deal with it he has turned to the one thing that for him takes emotional pain away. Cocaine. I always say cocaine is a drug. Paracetamol is a drug. If you have tooth pain, you take a drug (paracetamol) to take that pain away but it doesn’t deal with the root cause of the tooth pain like an infection. For emotional pain you take a drug (cocaine) to take the pain away but it doesn’t deal with the problem on just temporarily masks the hurting. But with cocaine, regular use and addiction bring with it so much more added pains and issues.

Another thing I always say is that an addict is 2 people. The real loving person they really are, and then the addict who is all these horrible things you mention. When an addict is in the trenches it’s like having someone else in the driving seat of your brain. You say and do things that normally they would never do because the little drug monster in the driving seat of their brain needs to survive and can only do so by making sure the person continues to use and feed the addiction. So…….. You and him split up and he moved out, now he isn’t living with you he is able to use freely without you around to “police” him. This is what the little monster wants because him being with you is going to restrict him being able to use and feeding that monster. So what does the monster do when on control of their brain. Hurl abuse at you, say these horrible things and tell you he wants to get divorced.

But deep down that’s not what he wants and when he is sober he is apologising and telling you he still loves you. Then when the addiction kicks in and starts to take control and he gives in to the craving and gets back on it, he is powerless to his actions and again the abuse comes.

That isn’te making excuses for him saying hurtful things because regardless it’s wrong to talk to you that way but I myself said things to my now ex partner that I am so ashamed of now and honestly I have no idea why I said them and wholeheartedly did not mean, but I still said them.

 

Right now, the reality is he probably needs you more now than ever but it’s like being in a 3 way relationship. You, him, cocaine. In order for him to be able to think clearly, and deal with the things he is going through with his daughter and ex he needs to be sober but that’s terrifying for him because sober he is on so much pain.

 

I don’t often say this but I feel like you showing him my response here may really help. He may not realise himself why he is acting this way as when I was where he is now I didn’t. It’s only now through recovery I can be this honest about it and understand why I behaved the same way he is now.

 

He is very lucky to have someone who loves him as much as you clearly do and even more lucky that you haven’t given up on him.

 

You and him as a team will be stronger and more able to battle the legal stuff around his daughter and ultimately start moving towards the life you both want together but taking the first step and dealing with the addition is going to be hard for him but with someone like you giving him love and support he will no doubt be strong enough to do it.

 

I hope this helps and please ask anything else I may have missed or you want to know.

 

Stay strong

 

James x

[Frahar]

Thank you for replying

Wish he knew how much I love him, it really doesn’t seem like it atm, I contacted him today to see if he was OK and basically got told to f off he has told me tonight not to contact him until its time for a divorce in October I’ve been blocked from contacting him on everything. I actually feel devastated my mental health is at an all time low I’ve recently been put on medication to sleep and to cope with my anxiety which is through the roof worrying about him and wondering what he is up to.

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