[centralscot]

So, big deep breath and time to get some of the burden I have been carrying about for 3 years off my chest.

Been together with this fantastic guy for nearly 15 years. First 12 years were great and just ‘normal’.

Three years ago started to suspect something was not quite right … although he probably hid it well over the first year, but things progressively worse since then. I honestly never thought he would touch drugs as we were both very anti drugs.

Usual problems started to become apparent – higher than average spending, late nights, disappearing for days … but there were always excuses … which were plausible.

Things seemed to calm down, went on holiday to Vegas last August and ended up getting married. However, as soon as we returned home, things started to build to a point, where at my wits end, I contacted local GP and he was sectioned for 7 days. Admitted to me that he had a major cocaine addiction (worse than I ever imagined). The cocaine addiction seems to also have lead to an alcohol dependence.

Since last August, this has literally been a year from hell. Really vicious arguments on a daily basis – the ones that really cut to the bone with some of the things that are said. Sometimes its like playing bingo as I can almost guarantee what things are going to be thrown in my face – I can sit there with the board and pen and mark them off.

I now cannot remember the last time life felt normal. The definition of normal seems to change on a weekly basis, but I just feel like I am going further and further into the rabbit hole.

The list of of issues just continues to grow and grow. Constantly finding empty bags of cocaine lying around the house – sometimes hidden, sometimes not. Cut off straws. 10+ cans of lager/cider every night, never coming to bed, lies, broken promises and randomly disappearing at weird times, total lack of interest in anything.

Bizarrely, all this now seems normal as the thing I am really struggling to deal with is his mental health. It is genuinely like living with 2 people – one nice and one nasty. I’m constantly walking on eggshells – watching what I say. However, it really does not matter as whatever I do say … it will always be wrong.

I have gone through every emotion with this – shouting and screaming, crying, to biting my tongue, saying nothing or wanting to throttle him. Nothing has any effect as his brain seems add 2 + 2 and ends up at 65. Its like something pops into his head … and it becomes true. We have gone from sharing everything to him being ultra suspicious of everything. I have been accused of having an affair (in fact, I have a list of 35 people I have been accused of being with). He had a camera in the house to monitor things. I even pop on my location tracker in Whatsapp if I go out …. all just to keep the peace.

Tonight’s just the final straw through. Having had no respite from the drink (and possibly some cocaine) I get accused of cheating yet again (this is the 3 time this week). Blazing argument and he’s off out.

Personally this is killing me. I cannot eat,have lost over 1 stone in weight and a proper sleep is unheard off. I work for myself had have lots of day to day stress to deal with, and the certainly does not help.

I suppose what I am looking to find out is ….. is there a way back from all this. I keep reading about people needing to find the bottom of the barrel, but at this rate i’ll be the one in an early grave first.

Where should I turn to for help – for me and him? If he does not want the help I cannot make him. I read up pages and pages on how to approach the subject. Tried the ‘i’m concerned about you’ earlier tonight and literally got the face torn off me in response.

This would be so easy if I did not love this person. I would have been long gone years ago. However, things are never that easy 🙁

Thank you for listening x

[b8988]

Read my post, think it’s the first one. My husband and cocaine. It’s awful!

There is nothing you can do. Their brain has now been altered, my story very similar to yours, but worse in ways.

Go to al anon, this is the first step! Seek help for yourself. By building yourself back up will help you to see how crazy your life has become and unmanageable. It will restore you to sanity which will then empower you to deal with it better.

This then usually improves the situation with the addict. But your main concern needs to be to focus on you. X

[centralscot]

Thank you for you reply.

I read over your story and it sounds like we’re all on this bloody rollercoaster. Much of the things you mention are so farmiliar. I have not even mentioned half of his antics as I’m either embarrassed for him or have just blocked them out.

What I took from your story is that you need to look out for yourself. If he wants to stay in the gutter, then so be it …. but I am not going there.

At the moment he has practically alienated every member of his family – so I am really the only one left that gives a damm. Without me, he has no one.

I can see the same pattern in respect to txt messages etc … and even sleeping in the garage. Key thing is … don’t bite and just ignore. A couple of weeks ago I just switched my phone off and disappeared for 24 hours. Whilst the effects were only positive for a few days, it maybe was a jolt and a reminder that he needs me more than I need him.

Anyways, onwards and upwards. Going to speak with a counsellor and get myself in right frame of mind to deal with this crap once and for all.

Thank you so much. Sometimes it just helps to vent frustrations and get it out there xx

[ash2013]

Centralscot,

We could all be writing the same posts. There are so many similarities.

One of my friends recently said to me ‘you have become desensitised to reality’ and she is right. I talked openly matter of fact about the fact of how my husband acts and was treating me, like its normal, even though deep deep down I must know its not.

B8988 mentioned to me about codependency and how we change and become codependent on them. Thats where I am, and sounds like thats where you are.

Around Christmas I said to myself, just live your life, let him let on with messing his up, theres nothing you can do about it….. thats easier said than done, because the sick feelings, the wrenching in your gut when they dont come home, the lies….. you can’t just shrug them off. Even now my husband is clean and has been for 5 months I’m no different. I recently booked to take the kids away for a couple of days to a theme park, and them whole time I was there I was a nervous wreck, worrying about him, worrying he’d fallen off the wagon, worrying when his phone was flat because I thought he might have died…. what a joke, it was meant to be a nice short break and some fun for the kids. But i’m too screwed up, or thats how it feels.

You aren’t alone in your feelings xx

[eddie]

This really helped me a lot but it saddened me even more. I wrote on this forum maybe 2 months ago and I totally forgot about it until my boyfriend relapsed.

I literally feel every word you guys are writing. That is basically my life.

I’m in constant fear of him doing drugs, lying, not sleeping not eating. He alienated everyone, including my friends. He is lying, spending all of our money and then blaming it on me and accusing me constantly. Cheating is the newest one. I know I need to leave him, but it just kills me to think about it. We’ve been together for 11 years. But he is ruining our lives.

I hope everyone is doing better and I wish you all the best. Stay strong

[centralscot]

I think I’m your mirror image Eddie. Keep ur chin up and stray string x

[centralscot]

So after a couple of days last week and during the weekend, things seemed to go back to normal – ye really, like the real person.

Been here on several occasions though. You ‘think’ things are back to normal … then BOOM! Back to square 1 with a bang. Although u know it’s coming, you always feel optimistic that maybe things will change.

Home tonight after a night visiting my parents and I’m accused of being with a random boy and it looks like he’s been on the computer ‘analyzing’ stuff. Phone records, computer code looking for god knows what. Knew all this was coming as txt messages increasing random, misspelled and bizarre.

Coming to the conclusion that life is too short for all this and I’m done trying.

[ash2013]

Centralscot,

I’ve been there, with the analyzing. I actually think my husband had some cocaine induced psychosis. It was just utterly crazy looking back on it now. Wanting to see phone bills, looking at computer data, looking on my phone inside hidden data files because someone told him they existed, the list goes on.

And heres the reality. He had been cheating on me, with a few women over the course of a few years. Actually someone once tried to tell me, so I asked him and of course he denied it, and then he was very angry that someone had dared to not cover up his affair. This was a long time ago. And i’m not saying that your partner is cheating, but they say that people who dont trust, cant be trusted, and I think that sums it up pretty well.

If you are strong enough, get out while you’re not damaged. I’m coming to realise that I’m really damaged, I’ve lost my identity.

Sending love x

[centralscot]

Thanks Jules

You are so right in everything you have said.

If it weren’t so serious it would be hilarious. He’s now changed his phone as I am supposed to have put a secret partition in his iPhone WTF!

Friends/family see me going downhill but they can only advise.

I need to hit the button and bring this to a close. I think it will be really messy ….. but life not exactly a bed of roses as things stand right now.

This full thing has just broken me.

U take care Jules x

[ash2013]

Thank you 😉 you too.

Are you some kind of techy whizz kid…. a secret partition! Now that is madness. What is this secret partition doing exactly? Look at it this way, if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t be so bothered even if he did think you had miraculously managed to do that!!

I had a feeling I had a tracker on my car, I looked for one, but not very hard. It would have made quite boring watching. Home, school, work, school, home and repeat, oh and a trip to Waitrose every now and then! I think my husband’s paranoia stemmed from my finding out about his cheating. If he was following me, it was only to make sure I didnt get anywhere near where he was, if you know what I mean.

Its crazy, that I can talk about it like its a bloody soap opera, so matter of fact, its like its normality and I actually don’t think anything could phase me anymore!

Stay safe, keep loved ones close, dont be alone and don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.

Sending love x

[centralscot]

Jules, that brought a smile to my face.

This sounds all so familiar. I’ve had the secret cameras in the house. Viewing /listening must be absolutely riveting – me sleeping/eating or watching tv. It got ripped out in a rage by him the other week and smashed to bits.

Cameras and CCTV seem to be a big thing for him. Caught him watching me for 6 hours on our business CCTV. I can only imagine how thrilling that must have been … not!

Am I missing something … but if I was having an affair – would I be doing anything at work or at home when I know there are cameras.

Deep breath time and counting to 1000.

Sorry to ramble, but sometimes ranting about it helps ;-).

Hugs and kisses x

And Jules, I wish he was having an affair and he could be someone else’s problem.

[huddle]

Hi just been reading the posts between you Jules and Centralscot & so many others today. Ooh it makes me so sad and angry the vile way any addiction sucks in both the addict and their loved ones, family etc. The irony is that while the addict is “zoning” out on their distance of choice we, the loved ones, the family, parents etc have to try and keep themselves sane and strong. I get the feeling of desensitisation. I am so fed up pleading with my son, going over the same old things time and time again. Listening to his false promises, being so full of hope only to see him relapse time and time again. I’ve told him I’m not getting any younger and now can’t and won’t put my own life on hold while he decides when he is going to do what he has to do to ‘qualify’ for yet another rehab. Follow the advice from all on this forum. Stay strong, look after you. Hugs x

[centralscot]

Hi Huddle

It totally destroys everything and gradually takes you with it. Don’t let it destroy you.

We were always the strong ones in the family … the ones everyone else would turn to when they needed help or advice. Thanks to this, I’m now the one left trying to keep the plates spinning (although the ones at the edge are beginning to fall and smash).

I would never have described myself as needing help or support, but am now beginning to realise that sometimes things are just to big to carry alone. I have made contact with a local support group as there are times when I get to the end of my tether when I just hit a brick wall. Apart from wishing it would all just go away, I just need practical advise about how to live with this.

In saying all that and as painful as it may be, I can always just throw in the towel and just walk away. This is not something I want, but in the end I suppose it’s an option. I truly feel for other members of the forum where this is not an easy option (son or daughter).

Onwards and upwards xxx

[rev]

Hi Central Scot

As I’ve mentioned here before I’m an addict and recognized a few months back I was becoming distant, moody etc. But I don’t believe that it should lead to cheating, your basic awareness and morals are still with you when high.

I love my fiance so much that I’ve put things in place to make it extremely hard to get as easily as I could. He needs to be stronger which is easy to say when the urged kick in but if he puts barriers in place knowing he will crave in a day or two, he can actually outwit his brain. Working for me as there’s no way I’m losing my love over it.

I also know plenty of friends that have regained control it’s not always a sad ending as it seems on here

[ash2013]

A good rant helps me too.

Well he’s definitely paranoid. I felt like I was being watched because if I had done something it would make him feel better if I was. Sad state of affairs – pardon the pun!

Sounds like your husband might be borderline personality disorder, believe me I have looked everywhere for answers as to why my husband was so intently confident that I was having an affair, to the point where it didn’t matter what I said, he just knew I was, even though I wasnt. There is such a thing as cocaine induced psychosis, tbh I think thats what my husband had, because no sane person would act like he did.

I hope you have a quiet weekend – I used to dread Fridays and Saturdays, they were the worst, out all night, AWOL, phone off.

Lol’d at your last sentence, bet he’d never leave, mine wouldn’t despite the fact he hated me for ‘trying to control him’, he just wanted to stick around and make my life miserable instead. Meanwhile having his kicks elsewhere. I think thats called having your cake and eating it!! xx

[mark165205]

Your post has really hit home to me as your Husbands behaviour mirrors mine ! Your words could be exactly what my wife might write , although she is quite naive about drugs and doesn’t know the full extent of my habit. Seeing what you’ve written in black and white has really hit a nerve with me, I’ve become a completely different person since my cocaine use has spiralled out of control, I need to take control of my life again . Thankyou for sharing and i hope with all my heart that your Husband can get his life back on track, for his sake and yours x

[daisy12]

Wow reading all your posts and seems like there is a lot of people going through the same thing. Psychosis is mental and wasn’t sure how that played out. But it’s suspicious and paranoia which all makes sense reading all your posts.

I guess that’s the horrible side effects of cocaine abuse and most probably more abusing it for long periods of times.

It’s saddening and upsetting that you all are going through this chaos which that’s exactly what it is. How they don’t see the impact it has one people love ones…

When their on a semi normal level to the regret remorse apologies and promises to sort things? Just wondered cause I have experienced similar and was looking for comfort if others had experience things. It feels like a vicious circle.

[Author]

Posts