[danman83]

So after 2 month of not touching coke i lapsed. Ive never been so pissed off in my life. My gf wanted to go to a 60th party and i didnt. I said can you just not stay in ill end up having coke. She said you be fine and i new i wouldnt! But i did. And now ive never been so pissed off. I feel more stronger now not to have it again. I should of just stayed in.

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to hear this Danman.

Don’t beat yourself up too much and keep strong.

[danman83]

Im trying not to. Just feel gutted. Because i know i wouldnt of had it if i stayed in. Thanks

[laura86]

You should!’t feel so hard on yourself Danman. Relapse is all part of recovery. I can understand your disappointment, but you have realised you mistake. This will make you stronger in the long run. Addiction is a disease. It takes a long time to recover. This is just a bump in the road. Pick yourself back up and continue on your journey. You have been clean for 2 months and you will be able to be clean for 2 months again. I wish you the best of luck. We are all here to support you on your journey.

[hox]

It has made you stronger. You knew you would be tempted and proved yourself right. I know you are pissed off with yourself but it’s a learning curve for you and the rest of us following you on your journey. You have done two months and know you can do it.

[dnanon]

Danman you have done so well and you knew that there was likely to be a relapse. The really good thing is that it has made you more determined. You can do this again and like you said it will probably make you stronger and less tempted again. Remember you have been clean for 2 whole months. This is just a minor set back in your recovery. You stay strong and determined.

[danman83]

Thanks for your replys. Its means a lot. I never even wanted to go out. It was my gf mithering. Ill just have to accept i cant go out like that.

[cdantro]

Hi mate. I feel for you, I’ve drifted into old habits and am pissed off about it but you’ve had 1 relapse in 2 months- be proud of that, I would be!

[danman83]

I am happy pal. But im more pissed off knowing i could of stayed in and wanted to. I didnt even want it.

But its not good staying in while yr gf is going out. But ill have accept it.

[cdantro]

Good attitude pal and well in for getting re focused

[louise1974]

Danman your posts have helped me a lot. I hope you’re having a word with yourself and get back on here soon as I know you’re helping other people. Think of the wider picture- it’s a glitch, that’s all- your not back to square one you’ve done really well remember that!

[danman83]

Thanks louise. It means a lot that. I am just taking it as a glitch..normally in the past i would just eat shit for a week or 2, and not go to the gym. But im back in the gym last night and back to eating healthy. I keep having down moments but im expecting that. I really do feel like not touching it. I hate it.

[danman83]

Cheers mate

[louise1974]

Thanks for your reply danman, it means a lot. I’m pleased to hear you’re back at the gym, I find that helps me too, I think if you’re physically fitter the mind will follow, you will get there what happened is just a glitch. I wish my ex

Bf was as determined as you, I don’t think he’ll do it he’s been on coke for years on and off – more on than off! It’s cost him so much, financially and relationships but he doesn’t want to stop- he carnt do or surely he would at least try, he’s had councilling with rehab and everything ( I think his ex wife made him) btw coke is why she left him, but he still won’t delete contacts etc plus he lives with a dealer, so it’s on tap, I do love him so much it breaks my heart to let him go but I have to or I will go down with him I’m already drinking more than I should which is a bad sign – I need to get back at the gym and knock drink on the head, just don’t know how to go about it, any advice would be appreciated? Sorry didn’t mean to go on it’s just I don’t have anyone to talk to really- Lou ????

[hox]

We are in a fix. My husbands friends and partners all do coke and most of his family do one drug or another and in one way or the other. It’s surprising how you don’t notice these things until they are on your own doorstep ruining your life. (My eyes are wide open nowadays and my ears are cocked) Like you say it’s on tap. I don’t drink much though, I’m not in the mood for it. I suppose it can either push you one way or the other. It is hard to get yourself out and about what with anxiety and the embarrassment of folk talking. I feel the same. I plan to do things but fail. I cannot go to the gym because folk know the both of us. (We live in a village) I’d love to go back though and I will do if he gets sent down. I am a strong person usually but this has messed me up big time. I have no one I can talk to properly so here helps an awful lot.

We will get through these bad times I’m sure.

[dnanon]

Hi Hox, you need to stop thinking that this is all part of your fault as it isn’t and you shouldn’t be ashamed at all. Why shouldn’t you go to the gym? So what if people know you and your husband. You might find they won’t say anything. If they do just fob them off and say you haven’t seen him for a while. Have you got any work friends you could got out with? You really need to start getting yourself out there and living your own life x

[hox]

You are right I need to go out and start living my life. I have accepted an invitation from a few old school friends who want to catch up, They have probably heard the gossip and want it from the horses mouth, but I don’t mind. It is a step in the right direction as I didn’t make excuses.

[danman83]

Sorry lou ive been off for a couple of days i wasnt being ignorant. Bad news if hes living with a dealer. I couldnt think of anything worse!

At this moment in time me giving advice after lapsing after 2 month, just feels wrong lol but im all for it. As i feel like i dont want that stuff again. Are you in your house on your own. If you are try and take some hobbie up so to keep your mind off it. But the gym is perfect from today. Sort a 1month programme out for your self. A good diet.. if u want to gain weight or lose. Set your self a goal! And stick to it. Go gym fri night.. instead of drinking. How come you no one to talk to?

[louise1974]

Dont know why the ??? are there, tried to put an emoji and ??? came up instead- Lou

[louise1974]

Danman I’m struggling here, can you send me some words of wisdom please- Lou

[louise1974]

Thanks for your reply it honestly helps me when people get back to me – can I ask why you think he might get sent down ? For what

reason? I live in a close community also and worry about what people think too but I guess thats something you can’t do anything about -people will always think what they think and to be honest most people don’t understand I didn’t before I was in this situation as I’m sure you didn’t too, and probably judged too – I’ve stopped drinking now and feel better for it, it was just a crutch, but not a good one I know. Thank you for replying I really do appreciate it as like you I don’t have anyone to talk to apart from my dad who’s 81 and I don’t think he would understand x Lou x

[hox]

He got caught in the crossfire doing a favour for a friend. Still awaiting trial. Glad you have stopped the drinking, you need to keep yourself well.

[dnanon]

Hi Louise, I think you have already made the first move by deciding you don’t want to be with your bf anymore. Remember you have nothing to be ashamed off so try not to worry about what people think. You need to start living your own life. Get back into going to the gym. Have you got any work friends/family who you can go out with? You talk about your dad not understanding. My mum is 81 and she knows all about my son and his drug addiction. She may not understand it all but she is a good listener. She also cuts every article she finds in the newspaper about drugs out for me to read – this can get a bit OTT but she thinks she is being helpful! You get yourself out there and start living your own life.

[hox]

How you doing Danman? Focused and plenty of books to be read?

[louise1974]

Are you ok danman? Lou

[louise1974]

Thanks NaNs I appreciate your response. You’re right what you say you never fully appreciate the problems people go through until it’s on your doorstep. You sound like you’re very strong and you should remember that, don’t worry about what other people think that’s a slippery slope and hard to get off- The only thing that matters is what you think and what you think is the best thing to do – and I’m sure you know what that is, Lou x

[dfh]

One relapse – do not be so hard on yourself. You have recognised your triggers, that’s amazing. Honestly sounds like you have come further than you realise. Keep going and please don’t be too hard on yourself.

[danman83]

Thanks dfh.. ive not even thought about the stuff all weekend. Ive been decorating keeping busy. If my gf didnt blag me to ho out last week. Id be 9 week. But im not going tp dwell on it.. thanks

[dfh]

No probs danman83 – no doubt I’m going to be around for the foreseeable so if u need an ear just shout.

[danman83]

Ok cheers

[dnanon]

Hope you are still staying on the straight and narrow Danman. There are a few positives about my son. He apparently worked last week. He has also started seeing his daughter. His gf and daughter came to our house today to pick up her xbox and games to play with her dad. He also sent a message to his grandma last week to wish her a happy birthday. We did have to remind him a few times. He has responded to a couple of texts off my husband about working and picked up some of his tools. I can also see that he has opened all the previous messages sent via whatsap. I text him last night as I found one of his shirts and started hugging it and crying. He didn’t respond. I was hoping he would get in touch. This all sounds positive but we still have no idea whether he is still using.

[danman83]

Yes i am thanks..it does sound a lot positive. It seems like he is trying. I dont get why he cant reply to u tho.

[georgia26]

Hey Dan, was thinking about you last night actually – wondering how you were getting on.

What happened then? how did you end up running into coke?

whats the story, just get back on track – dont beat yourself up too much.

A part of recovery is relapsing – remember that, you will get there, how come she made you go out? bless ya

xx

[danman83]

How are you doing gerogia? Hows your bf doing? X

[georgia26]

since he started his addiction/anxiety counselling on the 4th Jan, he hasn’t relapsed since. This has been the longest hes gone without turning to drink/drugs.

I need to work on trusting him again, but it is hard when it was a continuous thing and ive been hurt a lot from it – when he goes out where people will be drinking or taking drugs it sends me into panic mode.

Apparently his counsellor said in future he may be able to go back to social drinking but i dont agree, the thought makes me nervous – what are your thoughts? he was self medicating through drinking/drugs when he had an anxiety episode.

I dont know if it would be wise, it must be hard that he cant ever drink again – the main reason being it makes him seriously mentally ill the days after – even suicidal.. drink and drugs are just poison to the brain, i know this now.

We go on holiday in 3 weeks, so thats going to be awkward.. no drinking, its weird, i feel like i cant drink – i dont mind, i would rather not if it helps him but its frustrating.

he completely removed all connections with that type of thing, any friends etc that were influencing it they are gone.

How are you Dan? strange that youre having these dreams – i feel like you dream about what you’re fearful of sometimes, its definitely true..

I think youre going to be ok, main thing is, avoid drinking – i think it lets barriers down and you go into the ‘dont give a shit mode’.

are you still reading? do you have any recommendations? i am looking for some books to take away.

[danman83]

Well i cant remem telling you.. but i asked my gf for help and just stay intogether till our hol in july.. and help me not get coke for 6 month.. just see how i am then..

Then 8 weeks clean she said.. we have been invited to her mates dads party.. i said no.. i dont want use.. she said u be fine.. and i didnt want stay in on my own.. so i went, got drunk and got some coke..

Ive never been so pissed off in my life.. part of me blames her and part me.. but that was like 2 3 week ago now. And ive not used since and ive no intentions to.

Its just because i was out. I was down for a whole week after that

Just 1 little favour i asked and she couldnt do it lol. She made me stay in when she was preggers for 9 month! But when i need the help. Nooo.

But it will wind me up knowing shes out and im stuck in.. but ill have accept it.

How you doing anyway? Hows your bf?

[dnanon]

Hi Danman, just checking up on how you are doing. Hope you are still back on track after your little relapse. What have you been up to?

Still no contact from my son. Text him to say I can only think there is one reason he has not been in touch and how much he is hurting me – nothing back. He is back seeing his kids but I still think he is using. That’s the only reason I can think of that he hasn’t been in touch with me. I don’t want them to get hurt again if he lets them down, which is what usually happens. It really gets to me when we see his exe and her husband and family enjoying going out for a meal and doing normal things. Don’t get me wrong I am so pleased for them and our grand-daughter. Or when I see his friends in Morrisons again just shopping with their families. I just want my son to be doing normal things and at this moment in time I don’t think he ever will. I just don’t know how this is all going to end and it’s all out of my control.

[hox]

I am sorry to hear that you haven’t had contact yet DNAnon.

I’m hoping Danman is doing well still too.

Do you think when you text your son that he puts up a barrier because he feels you are accusing him of taking cocaine (which he has been doing of course)? Mums are so protective and want to make everything right.

It’s good to hear that he is now seeing his kids and hopefully soon he will be able to resume a normal relationship with you too. It’s awful to say but we cannot control what happens when or if he lets his kids down. My heart goes out to you. But you yourself are not letting them down. I hope you get what you desire, a happy son with a normal, happy life.

Keep well.

[dnanon]

Hi Hox, well I got a text off my son on Sunday wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day and that he had got me a card. I text him back to say how pleased I was to hear from him and could he bring the card next week on Mother’s Day. He said he would and that he thinks of me every day, I replied me to about him. I then cried for a while. Whether I will see him or the card on Sunday I don’t know but I suppose it is a start and just to have something rather than nothing feels so good.

How are things going with you and your situation?

Thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated.

[hox]

DNAnon that’s brilliant news, it is a start in the right direction. He is thinking about you even though he’s not in touch as often as you would like. I’m so glad that he has responded to you and has made you feel good.

Husband is still in touch but only when he wants something from the house. He says he will do things for me then doesn’t. Still says he doesn’t love me but then says he misses the little things we used to do together and that he’s upset too. I cannot understand him I have to ignore him as it hurts too much. He has now admitted to me that the court case has been getting to him and that he has been thinking of all things negative.

I’m trying to keep strong but I do have my better days and the really bad.

Keep you chin up. Lets hope for better days for all of us.

[icarus-trust]

Hi DNanon,

I’m sorry that your son is still not in touch with you – that must be very hurtful and upsetting.

If you feel it would be helpful to talk with one of our experienced and trained people please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We support people going through similar issues to yourself.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[danman83]

Sorry ive not replied.. ive just been mad busy and i dont want to be near stuff that reminds me off coke lol.. but yes im still doing good. Just that 1 lapse from 5 week.

Im having bad dreams every day using it and it really is bothering me alot. But its only a dream.

I really dont know what to say about your son.. i dont get how he cant just text you.

Why would you do that to your mum? Just keep being there for him i guess, then he cant truck it in your face.

Id say give him my num if he needs some help. But i think that would make it worse.

I hope he contacts you on mothers day. Let me know if he does. X

[icarus-trust]

Hope you got your card Hox.

[jbetty122]

I’m struggling still Dan. Didn’t even make it thru the week. Do u fact swapping numbers somehow so maybe we can speak to each other? It might boost our willpower?

[danman83]

Yes but they delete the nums off here quik so here it is. [NUMBER REMOVED] just give us a text

[Author]

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