[danman83]

So this weekend ive lapsed on cocaine again. This time i didnt have anything to drink. I just got the urge to get it. Again am so pissed off with my self and feeling down again. Im absolutely gutted with my self. Does anyone know if they have any meetings in manchester area. Im going to try these now.

[ffd]

Hi dan

If you google Narcotics Anonymous it should be able to point you in the direction of groups in your area x

[danman83]

Ok thanks

[georgia26]

Dan, dont worry too much – just get back to it. Youve been doing really well, so focus on the positives.

Try not to beat yourself up about it too much, how much did you have? what happened when you did it? what was your trigger this time?

I hope youre ok – honestly, youve been doing brilliantly, youre bound to relapse, it happens, accept it and move forward. YOU WILL get there.

xxx

[danman83]

Gods honest truth.. aclose fam member to my son i cant say on here, sells it and i have deal with them regarding my son.

And i drove past friday.. and god knows why i just got the urge. Prob because it was so easy.. and got it.. i phoned them the day after and said. Block my num and i had a go.. because ive told them ignore me if i ask.

Im back on track again. But i just feel so down again. Im going to do a programme on a calander…

For everyday..of every month with something like this.

MONDAY- go to the gym.. Read one of my books on addiction. Listen to some addiction recovery stories. Spend 30 mins a day at least, talking to people with addictions on apps or here. And do certain activities with the kids on that day.

Ill do a box for each 1 and tick it off. Im so pissed off with my self georgia. If i didnt have my kids id just piss off to some were were theres no one in sight for a while.

Thanks for your help x

[hox]

You are still doing well Dan. Pick yourself up. You are doing the right things and getting back on track with your plan. Keep going.

It’s a shame the dealer didn’t take notice of you previously. He has no respect for you and your wellbeing. Maddening. I’m mad at him.

I do feel that keep coming on here helps. Keeps you focused. Well, it helps me but it also makes me sad and I feel I’ve been there, done that.

We do so want you to find a way.

[georgia26]

Dan, honestly mate dont beat yourself up about it, its brilliant that youve got a plan – thats so good.

Think how good youre doing, you barely do it, yes you have relapses but in comparison to some youre literally on the straight and narrow, you are almost there. Keep doing what youre doing.

Your plan sounds good – gym is my saviour when my mental state of mind is crap.

Not long now until your holiday xxxx

[danman83]

Thanks hox. Really appreciate it. Just have to knuckle down till my holl now. How are you doing? Hows he doing? Still same?

[hox]

Yeah, knuckle down. Save that money for extras on your hols, you have been looking forward to it for a long time.

Still on remand. He was on the phone consistently for two weeks as he needed to use me. Then came the nastiness. During week three he was in his bunk for three days saying he was ill.

I’m trying to keep myself busy and I’m starting to feel less anxious nowadays.

[danman83]

Id just think of yourself mate. Do you think he was ill? Or just hungover

[hox]

I’ve got to now. I’m not sure because he was always ill before with the ‘flu’

[icarus-trust]

Sorry to read this Danman. Hope you’re ok.

[danman83]

I am now thanks. Back on the straight and narrow

[danman83]

I know what u mean i barely have and your right, thats what i tell myself.. i litrally have just woke up from my night shift and had a bad dream were i was trying my best to pick up lol i felt gutted when i woke up haha.

33 days and counting lol and thanks georgia xx

[georgia26]

Them dreams are strange arent they? i get them about cheating on my bf – i am gutted in my dream wake up panicking – so weird??

You should keep telling yourself that, you arent that bad this is barely happening now which is a huge achievement.

oh wow not long now, get down the gym, feel good, get your head clear and keep up the good work!! you will get there.. atleast youre trying to stop, literally so many of my boyfriends mates do coke, all of them! glad he avoids them now tbh

[danman83]

You dream about cheating on your bf? Haha.. sorry to laugh.. but i wasnt expecting that one.. u must want to lol.. only messing 😉

Its my bday on sat. And my mums got me a card.. and she said read it… it was a long one about me being a good dad. And a good son. And she knows about me. And she thinks ive had nowt since new year. When ive lapsed about 5 about. I feel guilty for not telling her, but i dont want to upset her. Shes obv got me that card becuase how well im doing. And i feel abit gutted and let her down.. am waffling on here haha..

Ive told my dealers block my num now. My sons mates sell it at school and ketemine! And they sell it on snapchat! Its mental. Hes total opposite of me as akid. Hea doing really well.

[georgia26]

my bf relapsed last night, after 6 months.. i am so upset, he was doing so well, his ex wife is causing us sh*t again and caused him to get anxiety and go off track, he has a kid with her, who she uses as a weapon all the time. His mental health is so bad today, it completely messes his brain up.

listen Dan honestly, youve been doing good – you arent doing it every night youve been on track, you sound like an amazing Dad and you should be so proud of yourself. She is obviously proud of you and mums judgements are usually right.

its weird you say that, my boyfriend dont wanna tell his mum either.

my boyfriend has a kid with someone else and shes basically making our lives living hell at the moment, shes got bad mental health problems and is forever using the kid as a weapon, this is why he started self medicating anyway cos she ruined his mental health. I worry what will happen to our relationship to be honest.

I am ready for a future with him but shes ruining it shes so insane, shes determined to split us up, shes threatening him saying shes gonna make the kids come and live with him, cos she knows we dont have the set up and life for them to be with us full time, shes a witch.

hes 8 years older than me btw, i just feel like my whole life i have had shit and when something is good or i feel like i am happy something comes ruins it. on top of his ex i have to deal with his relapses, its so hard, i am only young as well im finding it all hard to cope with. god, what do i do.. when you relapse how would you want your GF to act and help you?

i know getting angry dont help. I just find this shit so draining.

thankfully he has his counselling tonight.

[georgia26]

god, my trust was just coming back as well.. now i feel anxious again

[danman83]

Bloody hell. I wasnt expecting that.. im gutted for you, but i bet he feels worse.

Id just tell him, its just a lapse and not a relapse. Its only a relapse when hes back on it again as usual from what ive learned. A lapse is just once. So tell him just get back on track and its just a little blip. If he can get to the rest of the year, its just once in a year hes had it. Which is great. Id just keep reassuring him. So he doesnt have it again any time soon.

Was he on his own when he went getting it? Did he tell you when he was coming down off it?

Me personally i would want my gf say its.. ok dont worry, just get back to what you was doing and get back on track, but she dont, she shouts and shouts lol tells me go shopping, constantly saying we need this..go shop. I

[danman83]

I hate women that use kids as weapons, but why is she threatning the kids to live with him.. id be happy with that.. but mums always want there kids so thats strange.

But at the end of the day.. i suppose just do what makes you happy, your only young and have no kids.. but like you say you love him and hes only had one lapse in 6 month. Which is amazing. So i personally wouldnt worry.. but its your life and you can only help so much.

[georgia26]

well, anything that would cause him hassle she does it. He paid 40,000 court fees to fight to see his kids, she wouldnt let him, she even got the kid to call the police and say hes abusing them – now hes taken a step back and sees them like once a week shes saying you can have the kid full time – its basically anythign that may cause a problem, she will do it, cos she knows it would cause problems for us as a couple, because i dont have kids – so having a kid full time at 26 would be a problem. Its all a game to her.. its doing my head in.

She causes us so many problems honestly, she is insane, bipolar diagnosed so we get this every couple of months – it really gets him down, his kid worships the mother as well.. mental

ok Dan thanks for the advice, he does feel like shit he feels like hes failed again but i was angry then i said look dw we will get through it – youve just gone off track get back on track, bless him.. i do feel sad for him, must be bloody hard.

im 26 im worrying my eggs are drying up haha – i will need to have kids soon, but feel like theres so many risks involved, i get worried xx

[danman83]

40k wow.. i cant stand dangerous women like that.. who use bullshit regarding there kids. Its sick.

Pmsl… eggs are drying up! Hahaha…

Your only 26 i wouldnt worry just yet. Id be more bothered about him being 8 year older. Im 35 now. And id get someone preggers straight away. 3 ive had and they got preggers straight away more or less. Or i was set up lol

Would you not try now though? I would say it would make him better. But thats never the case.. and could you imagine his ex if you had 1??? Bet she would be going mental..

But you are right in away.. because depending how you go with your bf… because if you wait till he fully sorts himself that could be a while.. if he lapses again.. then another setback.

Then if you leave and you have find the right person and then have a kid… the clocks ticking lol only messing.

[georgia26]

Hi Dan,

My bf lapsed again on Thursday, so twice in a week.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, hes got counselling tonight.

He did some and instantly ring me and come home straight away so no bender, he recognised it, i just feel so anxious about it all now. I feel like he was 6 months off of it and now his anxiety is back and hes self medicating again. Its his f*cking ex wife, shes insane.

I want to support him but i cant continue forever, i just hope he gets better soon.

[danman83]

Bloody hell sorry for that.. whats she doing? Least he did the right thing in ringing you.. i may be wrong here i dont know your bf.. but what coke does to you mentally.. if someone is pissing you off no matter how bad, or you have had a bad day.. your brain will tell you to get some coke it will be ok… its your brain wanting it and its secretly using the bad thing thats pissing you off to go and get it. Thats why its a creepy drug… maybe now.. tell him he cant use his ex as an excuse to use, because if he never had coke.. he wouldnt use it in this situation.. he needs plan another route to take the next time he comes to this situation. Thats my opinion anyway. But i dont know his full ins and outs.

So what you said to him then? And what your going to do?

[georgia26]

I left, I’ve packed my stuff and gone. He drank again tonight and blamed me for everything.

I’m heartbroken and struggling..its so hard to accept he won’t ever change

[hox]

I’m so sorry to hear this Georgia. I know what you have been going through and it’s hard when they blame us for their addiction. I feel for you, as you have supported him through thick and thin.

I hope through doing this he wakes up and realises what he has potentially lost, a supportive loving gf who only wants the best for him.

[danman83]

Hope your ok georgia.. i dont know how he can say that when you have made sacrifices yourself. Stay strong mate x

[georgia26]

How do I cope? I feel horrendous, I’m terrified of him going off of the rails.

I’ve tried so hard.. We’ve battled through this, he went 6 months with nothing, just these past 3 weeks everything has changed, I read through signs of a relapse and literally that’s what’s happening.

I feel so embarrassed, I’m at my mums now.. Got all my things in my car. Its all just a mess, I can only take so much you know I can’t make myself ill from this.

I truly believed he had changed.

[hox]

I’m always in the background Georgia, watching whats going on, hoping for good news with everyone.

It is hard to cope and it feels like that for a long time. I’m not gonna lie. When you love someone…….

It feels like you have been humiliated in the eyes of everyone that knows you both and embarrassed. I can tell you now the humiliation and embarrassment will fade if you tell people the truth of what has happened. I know, embarrassment and humiliation, but it works. Don’t hide what has happened. He has made this a mess not you. You are the one that has tried to clean this mess up, you alone. He can only help himself and we all know that. It is just a shame that it feels like a waste of time and effort. It has not been because you can hold your head up high and say you have done everything you possibly can. You can be there when he wakes up, in the background. If he goes off the rails he does. You will be there if needed, that is if you still want to yourself when you have healed a little. You have taken all you can for the moment and you cannot make yourself ill from this.

Take each day at a time. Small steps. Try, just try to keep busy. It is hard but you need to stay strong and look after yourself for a while. When he wakes up you will be ready for the battle that is ahead xx

[georgia26]

thank you so much.

i felt humiliated turning back up at my mums as i feel like its a told you so moment, she told me this would happen again – her boyfriend is a recovering addict of 15 years so she knows and has been put through hell so worries about me.

i am 26, felt so proud of him after those 6 months things were amazing – i dont understand why anyone would want to go back to that, hes losing everything.

you are right i have tried, letting someone go that you love is the hardest thing ever xxxxx I am at work today, which will keep me busy.. xx

[georgia26]

Thank you Hox, really glad you responded xxx

[georgia26]

i was reading about stages of relapse and he has every symptom on there , hes become like down and withdrawn now hes saying he can do it socially, when a month ago, it was completely unacceptable and he was on the straight and narrow.

he hasnt even contacted me since i left.. so he doesnt care – when he acts like this its hard to accept

[danman83]

He might of got that stuff drunk and is in bed rough.

Why did he have a drink tho? Its like its all turned upside down in a matter of hours for him.

Send him a text later or something later to see if hes alright. You know that stuff can make you do stupid things. Im just being honest with how it makes you down. If u get me. Hope your ok

[georgia26]

i am worried, not heard from him at all.

I have text asking him to confirm hes safe and ok.

usually i am there when he comes down, i worry what he will do.

xx

[b8988]

Hi Georgia, I feel for you, I really do. I do think now’s the time that you take a leaf out of your own book, you’ve given some great advice to others about walking away and leaving them to face the consequences of their own actions, now you should try to do the same.

This will continue to happen, as with addiction “as you know”, they are either in recovery or active addiction. Focus on you! stop texting him! Don’t be there to support him whilst he’s choosing to behave like this. (I know how hard this is, by the way) it’s all to do with codependency. I like you and many others, was so codependent that I lost myself, as my husbands addiction was my sole focus.

My husband is nearly 5 months clean and his behaviour and personality is back to pre drug days, however, I’m always waiting for a lapse/relapse. however, this time if he does, I think I’ll be fully prepared to let him walk. How much longer do we want to put our lives on hold? Aren’t we bored of drug talk? I know that I am!

Please think of everything you’ve been through already, practise self help and even if you don’t feel like it do stuff you’d normally enjoy until you actually start enjoying it again. His ex is always gonna be in the picture, he can’t keep using her as an excuse to go off the rails and neither can you!

My husband used me as the reason he’d use until we went to marriage counselling and it was pointed out that he was doing it to himself, not me! Google (drama triangle) me and my husband were always playing different roles, victim, rescuer and persecutor and so the cycle continued. We’ve both taken steps to come out of the triangle and take responsibility of own own actions.

No matter how tempting it is, DO NOT rescue him!

Keep strong xxx

[georgia26]

so, hes come around from his bender and is suicidal etc.. begging me for help, hes in bits, its horrendous.

i hate that this disease is ruining his life.

its so awful – i dont know what to do

[georgia26]

i love him so much i want to support him, but on the other hand, i just cant.. its making me feel ill, this will be a constant cycle. I am 26 for goodness sake, i am ready to start my life. I am scared this will be my life forever 🙁

[hox]

What more can you do Georgia. You have done your best and he threw that in your face, blaming you for everything. Then he begs for your help.

Like B8988 says, the ex cannot be his excuse. He has to take responsibility for his own actions. Be good to yourself now.

[danman83]

You can only take so much mate. You have helped him out so much. And you didnt even drink on your holiday. I couldnt see many gfs doing that.

And that what you said yesturday.. were he said he will be ok having it socially.. his mindset is totally changing back to it.. which is not good at all. I think like that sometimes.. then i think to myself what am i thinking.

Me personally i think your better off having a break from it all and think of youself. Its making you ill like you said, and you have your whole future ahead of you, and dont need to babysit someone 24/7.

You have no ties and time is a good healer as they say.

What ever you decide i hope it works out for you x

[georgia26]

thanks everyone.

his mum is going over there tonight, as hes a total state.

I am going to take some time for me and reflect on everything.

thanks so much for your support everyone.

and dan, i know, this is what worries me – his whole mindset has changed.

xx

[icarus-trust]

So sad for you Georgia. Hope you’re ok.

Look after yourself.

[georgia26]

x

[danman83]

Its a bit mad how after 6 month its just totally gone backwards. Try and have a good weekend and relax x

[danman83]

How you doing georgia? Are you still at your mums?

[georgia26]

Hi Dan, I am good, he came round from his bender – once i left that evening he was up all night. His come down, as per, was absolutely horrendous and i was worried he would commit suicide if im honest. I was at work the next day and he was begging me for help. He has now made a huge change and sacrifice for me – whats your email address or number? i just dont think i can explain fully on here – in case he sees this?

anyway – long story short, I feel like i need to get him back on track, i cant leave him not now at his most vulnerable. He went and saw his counsellor the next day.

why do i do this? i feel like such a push over.. when you absolutely love someone like i love him its so hard – its like its 2 people, the true him is amazing – everything apart from this is great.

you ok anyway Dan? you on the right path at the mo?

holiday soon!! xx

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

Heres my num {NUMBER DELETED}. I bet it is hard. But if you look at it in a positive way.. its one blip in 6 month. And if he gets to the end of the year its 1 blip in a year. Which is great.

Ye im good thanks. My gf is giving me greif all the time. I work nights and im sleeping litrally 2 hours a day. And she expects me do everything all the time and im physically and mentally drained from her lol. Shes been going on at me today. But im not rising to it so.i dont get that stuff.

2 week sunday.. yipeeeeee haha x

[hox]

You can sleep when you go on holiday Dan. Get some wok done lol, and hopefully keep off the bad stuff.

[danman83]

You can tell he really wants it. Its a shame how just after 6 month hes done it. Maybe something is really bothering him.

[danman83]

Its not work hox.. its general stuff.. she tidys the kitchen i make tea.. and she goes ape because the kitchen is a mess.. but i say im making tea.. and this is everyday.. shes a gas lighter i can go into detail. But ill be here all day

[hox]

Not a good trait to be fighting against with your problem Dan. Now I understand why you don’t receive support. Keep stronger than ever.

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

A

[danman83]

A

[cdantro]

Feel your pain mate…if you’re interested in swapping numbers so we can support each other via text etc let me know

[danman83]

Yes (NUMBER DELETED)

[danman83]

Thanks

[hox]

Are you still on the right track Dan?

[danman83]

Yes i am thanks. Thanks for asking

[dnanon]

Hi Danman, not been on here for a bit but so glad you are staying strong and preparing well for your holiday. I hope you have a fantastic time as you definitely deserve it. Things have improved and our son is back in contact with us. He is back working and seeing his kids every weekend. He is looking well and has put a bit of weight on. So all is going well at the moment.

Georgia, so sorry to hear about your bf. He was doing so well, 6 months. I suppose the relapse was going to happen. I am sure it must be so frustrating for you, especially after so long. I don’t know what you have decided to do but wonder whether it is worth you sticking around to support him after the relapse. Also understand if you decide you have had enough.

Hox, nice to see you are still helping others with your advice. I hope you are keeping well and moving on with your life – it’s about time!

[hox]

Hi DNAnon, it’s great to hear from you. I am so glad that your son is doing well.

‘Husband’ is inside residing at hmp and I am now having to deal with his mistakes. It looks like I could lose everything I have worked for all these years. He has still got his head firmly stuck in the sand but at least he cannot get hold of the dreaded stuff. (Well I hope he can’t as what I have heard is nothing can not be gotten for a hefty price in there) Anger seems to be getting me through at the moment. I have my wobbles but I am soldiering on.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

[danman83]

Thanks.. really looking foward to it 🙂 .

Well thats great news.. im happ for you.. least you can relax a bit now. Hope your all good.

[z123]

Aww Dan i am sorry to hear this! Please do not give up and please go to professionals and counselling. You can do this! Do not allow the devil of cocaine to take you!

I am struggling myself with my partner leaving and how he has been so nasty with me even before he disclosed his cocaine use, i am reflecting over things and when he said he fell out of love with me about two years ago, i did notice how cold he was with me but he picked arguments for no reason and seemed to hate me for no reason.

You keep at it Dan and even being on this forum and talking to people, telling them your story will help and it shows that you are trying! xx

[danman83]

Thank you i appreciate it.. that were he starts arguments for nothing.. is probably him doing it for an excuse to get cocaine. Ive done. And you dont know you are doing it. But its just an excuse to get coke. I might be wrong with him. But it is a main factor in emotional relapse. I really cant stand the stuff tho amy more.

[georgia26]

Hi all,

Z123, don’t take that personally honestly the stuff changes people. He will be saying things and feeding himself things for excuses to go do cocaine. My bf has admitted in the past he used to start rows to go sniff coke when he relapsed last time, he was being so insensitive I said I was leaving I even packed my stuff and all he could say is ‘I would rather you didn’t’ the next day when he was crying etc he said that wasn’t him speaking the stuff made him like that, his brain was telling him he was fine and I WAS THE PROBLEM, mad isn’t it?

DNAnon, I’m truly so happy that your son is on the right track..i really wish you and your family all the best.

Im supporting my boyfriend and I just hope he stays on track again, but this time I’m not going to be naive, im prepared for another relapse. I know the signs to look out for now, cos the emotionally relapse comes first and for weeks my bf was different and it was because his brain was going into lapse mode before he even knew.

I’ve read up on it all to try and understand and I’m so shocked really the amount of people suffering from this, it’s so sad. I wish I could help everyone.

Hope you’re all having a nice weekend x

[icarus-trust]

Sorry to hear what you’re having to deal with Hox.

All the best to you.

[icarus-trust]

Keep strong Georgia. Good to hear about your son DNAnon.

[Author]

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