[l66]

I am exhausted, worried and a bit frightened as I write this. He has been quiet and asleep for most of the day but now it’s nearly 11pm and he is awake and starting to move around our small flat.

My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years. At first I thought he just like to party, but over the last few years I realised he has a similar addiction pattern to alchol as my dad. And since the lockdown it seems to have triggered a cycle of heavy drinking.

Yesterday afternoon while I was trying to work and finish some ironing, he decided to listen to music in the bedroom so I could have the living room space to get my list of jobs done. I first noticed the music getting louder, and then I think he must have done a few quiet runs to the off-licence for beer. Around 9pm he come into the living room to use the kitchen and I realise he is drunk. But he is in a good happy drunk mode, not bothering me and I’ve got my own stuff to do so Im not in the mood to babysit, I stupidly just give a half hearted ‘don’t get too drunk’ to wich the answer is ‘I’m having a party for 1, and it’s not like there’s work to get up for tomorrow’ (not for him but I remotely teach English as a foreign language online and so I have to be at my computer teaching at 6am.) no covid19 affecting my work routine

Anyway a couple of hours pass and I start winding down to go to bed, only problem is my drunken fiancé is by now having a garage rave in the bedroom. I convinced him to turn the volume down because of the neighbours, and agree to him having 1 more hour then he will call it a night and switch rooms with me so I can get some sleep. 1 hour turns into 4 with me pleading him to quiet down , so it’s 1am before I convince him to stop the music, swap the beer can for a water and lye down. In between bouts of him forcing me to dance as he throws me around our bedroom and increasingly getting annoyed that I’m ‘ruining the fun’ he is much taller and stronger than me and we’ve been in violent situations which I’ve never come out of too well, so. My best tatic is to be light and nurturing so he dosent notice me getting him ready for bed etc. Although I think it’s less convincing and more that he has drunk all the beer he bought and the shop is now closed. (in the morning I counted 16 cans of lager).

I then have a tydy up of some of the mess, sort out the frightened pets (cat and guinea pig-long story) and I can get into bed, trying to ignore that horrible stale smell that comes with lying next to a drink person. Job done I think, just under 5 hours of sleep till I have to be teaching, and I should be just able to manage my 8 hour day with that and some strong coffee.

Around 2-2.30? A noise and the bathroom light wakes me, I’m a bit groggy but realise that my face is wet, thinking it is the cat dribbling I sit up to realise that my fiancé is puking in the bathroom sink, unsteadly holding himself up and retching noisily. I then realise that the bed smells awful, look down and see that I have sick dripping from my hair onto my lap. YEP, the bastard has rolled over in his sleep, thrown up over my face, and then gone to the bathroom to finish. I’m groggy still so am not as alert about this situation as I possibly could be, but as I try to make my way to the bathroom to get to the shower and wash off, he starts shouting gibberish at me and pushes me out of the bathroom. I realise he is completely unaware of where he is or what he is doing as he is so drunk. And I think, he thinks I am trying to pick an argument with him (I don’t think I’ve uttered a sound at this point) I’m not about to get into a fight covered in sick, so I go to the kitchen and use the sink there to clean myself up a bit. Come back to him wobbling up and down the bedroom and I can’t understand what he is saying as it’s all just noises at this point in his drunk scale, the point just before he passes out. So he could either sober up a bit, get angry at me and start being aggressive, or he could just pass out. Not sure which way he will fall at the moe.

I grab a few bits I can, clean pillow, medicines and cat, go into the living room and close the door.

And that is where I have spent my entire Saturday, with the door closed, didn’t get back to sleep after that so work was tough, my students could tell I wasn’t very focused. And I feel I haven’t been able to give them my best, which always gets me down when I know I’ve not been 100% with my work. I’ve cleaned the living room and kitchen, done some accounts for my mums shop, sorted a few bits and peices with the tv in the background. I’ve seen him a few times, asleep when I went to use the bathroom. And a couple awake this afternoon when he went to the kitchen to get some food and drink. I haven’t spoken to him, but he has loomed in the door way asking ‘we’ll, so when are you going to give me a bollocking for last night then!?’ I’ve just ignored him and not said a word. I’m too tired for a fight and there’s no point, any idiot can see that this is not acceptable behaviour, yet it will be me that is made to feel in the wrong and I will be the one to apologise if I start talking to him.

I’ve not cleaned the bed, the sick soaked bedding, stained carpet or unblocked the near overflowing chunky sink water. Ive opened the bathroom window as it stinks of booze and sick in there, there are pillow cases and sodden towels strewn over the floor, but I am standing my ground this time and I will not clean up after him again. My life today feels like all I do is clean up the mess that other people make, and as soon as I have a spot tidy, someone goes and pukes all over it again (my parents have been going through a thing past couple of weeks that I have to now help my mum out with and my brother too, and my sister keeps complaining to me that I’m not helping enough, so a lot has been resting on my shoulders lately)

I am tired deeper than just one bad night on a sofa. I can hear him moving around in the next room cursing and throwing things. I know that there will be shouting, bedsheets and blame thrown at me in an hour or so. I’ve been looking through my phone to find a number of someone I can talk to, but my family won’t have time to talk. The fairweather friends won’t want to listen , and the couple I could try to talk to I don’t know well enough to burden them, and if I did talk to them I risk loosing the small friendship I have tried to build.

I feel completely alone, And stuck. Like no one has my back and there is no one I can ask for help. I know that this will pass. As will his anger and my resolve. I will end up forgiveing him after a night of enivetable arguing, because this time he wasn’t an angry drunk, this time he didn’t mean to, it was an accident. I’ll probably get up early to clean the bathroom and sort the laundry and the carpet so it’s done before he wakes up and can get in the way. As it’s quicker if I do it properly the first time than if he tries and makes more of a mess.

I know this because this is always how it goes, and I don’t know how to make it any different. Maybe next time I should keep an eye out to see when he goes to the shop and what he brings back, next time I can convince him not to drink as much. I could make it different, maybe, next time.

Or maybe next time I’ll have the courage to leave, to say this is enough and I am not putting up with anymore. To not be afraid to make it on my own, that this time it won’t be impossible. Pay bills, tackle work and family, say fit and healthy, loose weight, look happier etc etc. But I’m too stupid, I’m too weak, I’m too afraid and I am just so tired, I am just so tired.

It feels better to write things down, I don’t know if anyone will read this, I don’t fell like it’s as public as FB or social media. I don’t feel as much that I’ll be put into the pile of ‘she just wants some attention’

I possibly won’t even check to see if there are replies. I just needed to Let this out and have a cry. He is in the doorway again watching me type, so I huss ill finish my rant

[dfh]

I hope you are ok. Sounds like the kind of nightmare most of us are enduring. In answer to your questions – you absolutely will reach a crossroads where you will make a decision and won’t have to think twice or question yourself. And you will make it on your own, sounds like you pretty much so anyway so there won’t be much difference.

Anyway I just wanted to reply so you know we are here and if you need to talk pop back. Big hugs xx

[dexter2015]

Such a sad story. You need to put yourself first and either kick him out or leave. He is too self absorbed at the moment to consider you and you can’t keep living like that. I know it’s terrifying to think of being alone and looking after yourself but you will be ok. I’ve done it recently myself and I am so much happier, calmer and positive about the future. If you need any advice please ask.

[hox-26]

Nine years is a long time and it is hard to give up on the person we love. We just want that loving person back. You are not weak putting up with all this but it is finally getting you down looking after him. He has to want to stop drinking you cannot make him, you are not his mum.

You need to look after yourself. I can understand the tiredness and feeling weak and hopefully this will pass and you will concentrate on yourself and do the things mentioned above in your post to make you feel better.

Keep strong you will not be thought of as an attention seeker on here.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I really hope that you are ok. What a horrible time you are having and definitely you are not an attention seeker.

If you would like some support for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people going through dealing with a partner’s addiction. We have trained people who you could talk to completely anonymously if you think it would help.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

Look after yourself.

[Author]

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